I’m sick for the second day and stuck in bed.
I have very bad menstrual cramps.
I’m crazy horny.
I had concert tickets for tomorrow night, but all my friends are busy tomorrow and nobody could come with me, so I had to move my tickets to another concert.
Tony is shooting today and tomorrow so I have no time with him, even if he’d be willing to come see me when I’m sick.
And I actually feel alone.
Which sucks ass.I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, so this morose state comes as a bit of a surprise. I’m feeling incredibly sorry for myself at the moment. I actually didn’t want to type this out yesterday because I didn’t want to go down the rabbit hole, but I realize now that writing it out may help me release it.
I had a conversation with Tony on the phone last night which made things far worse. It was as if he hit every emotional trigger point.
Here are some of our conversation fragments – what we said, and what I heard, which was entirely different and admittedly irrational in some cases, I’m sure.
Me: With you shooting the next couple of days and unavailable at night, when am I going to see you next? I have Liam starting on Sunday and then next Friday I have a staff holiday party.
Him: Well you’ve had a good run but it’s over now.
What I heard: Won’t be seeing you regularly any more, Ann. Sorry, we’re done. I’m back to my usual shit and won’t be responsive anymore.
Him: And I’m getting into holiday party season so there are a few work parties I’ll be going to. They are going to be so much fun…[and he proceeded to tell me how fancy / fun one in particular would be].
What I heard: Ann, you continue to be on the periphery of my life. I don’t think highly enough of you or our “relationship” – not that I would call it that, because I don’t like labels like “boyfriend” or “exclusivity” – to consider having you be on my arm at these parties. So I’m going to do my own shit and have fun. Catch you later when I have nothing else to do.
Him: Yeah, I might take my son skating tomorrow night when the shoot tomorrow is over. It should end early and I want to take him a few times before next week.
What I heard: Ann, I don’t even remember that you and I had booked dinner plans with “school couple”, which you cancelled earlier this week because I couldn’t commit to dinner with them.
Him: Oh and on Sunday I’m taking the kid to get a Christmas tree for the house with my ex.
What I heard: Ann, don’t forget I have an ex-wife and we do family things regularly, because I’m not actually working on being divorced. Don’t forget I haven’t ever conclusively said I’m not getting back with her, for the sake of our child.
So yeah. There’s all that shit in my head.
To be fair, he also said “We’ll find time; we always seem to.”
Not to mention the little thought that took hold a couple of weeks ago that I’ve been trying to ignore, but just like the cold virus invading my body, it’s invaded my brain. It goes something like this:
I know Tony said he wants to date and have sex with only me (the exception being maybe the two of us playing with others on occasion). He also said that even if we were dating others he wouldn’t put any effort into finding anyone else.
But here’s the thing.
I’m not at all convinced that if some woman who he liked put herself in his path, hit on him, asked for his number (or whatever), he wouldn’t follow her down that path. I think he’d kiss her back.
I can’t get that fucking thought out of my head, and I don’t know how to resolve it. It’s not that he doesn’t dig me; I know he does. But I’m not sure he feels a sense of commitment to me – because that’s what scares him.
So I’m here at home, in bed, alone with my thoughts – which right now are not my friends.