He’s pretending to be married.

I need to make this quick; I’m due to be somewhere with family pretty soon.

Earlier this week, after I’d asked Tony if I could see him that night and he said it would be awkward, he told me he was going for dinner with someone who works for him, that someone’s wife, and… Tony’s ex.

Oh? I said. Why are you doing that? Doesn’t he know you’re not together anymore?

No.There were lots of words exchanged, but I’m going to depart for the moment from my usual deep exploration of motivations and rationales. I’m not going to bother telling you what he said or what I said. I’m just giving you the facts.

Tony went for dinner earlier this week with his ex-wife and another couple. The invitation came to his ex’s house because the person who works for him (frequently…this isn’t a one-time thing) doesn’t know they are separated.

Yes. You read that right.

Tony went for dinner with his ex – essentially a double date – and basically, pretended to be married.

Oh. One more thing… that dinner? Was the one year anniversary of our first date.

Merry. Fucking. Christmas.

And yes, it’s been a shitty 48 hours. But I’ve managed to try to not let it ruin the magic of time with Liam and my family. Tony and I aren’t broken up, I will write about what’s been said, and I’m still going on that fucking vacation.

124 thoughts on “He’s pretending to be married.

  1. Men and Christmas are not mixing well at the moment that’s for sure. The guy I’m dating has been out of contact and is cooking Christmas dinner for his ex for the sake of their grown up kids!
    Hope you manage to enjoy family Christmas time x

    • Grown kids… right. At least Tony’s kid is 4. It’s fascinating to me how Tony is only able to equate being there for his kid as including his “ex” in that mix. I asked him whether he thought I suffered because I have two step parents. Way I see it, it’s more people in a family to love your kids. That’s how I’m seeing Will (my ex’s) girlfriend Colleen – she’s not replacing me in any way but she loves my kid. How can that be bad?

      I’m afraid this isn’t going to be resolved and if not, I know what I have to do. Yuck.

      I hope your guy resurfaces soon!
      xo

      • Hope Tony sees sense, he can have happiness with you and his child. Protect yourself and your heart, you deserve someone who treats you amazingly and pretending to be with an ex partner for the sake of I’m not sure what is definitely not amazing.
        X

        • You are totally right. Ultimately if I don’t understand the root cause of why he’s behaving this way (what he’s afraid of, I guess) then it’s hard to solve it. And yes, that’s my planner / fixer at play. I know I can’t solve it, it has to be him.

          I do think his definition of a family is part of it for sure. When my parents split, not only did I gain step parents but my Mom and I spent many major holidays with another family, who became a surrogate family for me.

          I see other people in my (and Liam’s) life as addictive. I don’t think Tony does. Maybe because he doesn’t believe it, or he’s never seen it.

          But regardless, if he can’t make the changes then there’s no point in continuing. I just can’t be an “other woman”.

    • It’s supremely shitty Gina. Thank you. As Ferns says in her comment, there is a huge difference between taking time (and even waiting to tell an ex you’re dating) and what he’s doing. And it unfortunately changes everything for me…. mostly because of the behavior.

    • We have intellectual and physical chemistry like nobody else I’ve ever been with. We have an amazing time together.
      But this changes things for me and if he’s unable to tell his ex we are together and won’t discontinue this kind of BS then I’m done.

      • I have said that my own experiences are so far removed from yours that I typically have little to add to the conversation.

        However I feel strong enough about this to toss out this observation: Even though you say you have “intellectual and physical chemistry” you said nothing about ’emotional chemistry’ which speaks volumes to me. Top it off with a guy that still “pretends” to be married to his friends? IMO it says something foundational about his character.

        All that aside – have a Merry Christmas!! 🌲

        • Thanks Vic. You’ve hit on the thing that could be the worst thing for me… what it says about his ability to lie through omission or even directly, to avoid conflict and avoid decisions. I told him that as well – that I think he lies for convenience.

          His closest friends (he doesn’t have many) know he’s separated. He says his best friend knows about me. Some colleagues do as well. But that doesn’t matter when he’s basically leading his ex and me on. Both on the hook until whenever – if ever – he makes a decision.

          Fuck.

          But thank you and Merry Christmas to you as well!!

      • Ann… despite all of this, I truly hope you have had a Merry Christmas.
        But…. Damn him!!! In a sense he’s having his cake and eating it too. And denying what you have together to her, is walking a tightrope to him, not to mention keeping you off balance as well.
        Why the hell should you have to settle for being second?
        Dammit I want you two to make it!

        • I want to make it too…. And I think she’s second in some things, not me, but she has trump cards that she uses (of course she would) on a regular basis.

          The thought of him telling her, while it’s what I need from him, also makes me nauseous. I can’t imagine being in her shoes (I’m assuming she still wants him back as she did in the spring, as she seems to be acting that way) and finding out that he’s been seeing someone for the bulk of the year and the vacations and all that.

          Awful. The thought of the pain is terrible, whether it’s hers or mine. And then it makes me like the mistress – seriously?! – and I’m the reason there’s no hope for them? That’s just fucked up and not fair to either her or I. It could have been different and it’s all his doing.

    • No it’s not… it’s hard to feel “unpartnered” over the holidays at the best of times… this is when I really miss having someone next to me on the couch, watching my kid open Christmas presents. And someone to stay up late with on Christmas eve, drinking hot alcoholic beverages and eating cookies.

  2. Wha??! πŸ™

    This behaviour makes NO sense to me whatsoever. There’s a monumental (& fundamental) difference between ‘not telling people’ (which I can understand) and ‘putting on a pretence for people’. I can’t at all imagine any sensible explanation for it other than ‘so when we get back together nobody will know what we went through’ :/. It’s bizarre.

    I hope you and Liam and your family have a wonderful Christmas and I really hope it works out for you.

    *warm hugs*

    Ferns

  3. I know it’s Christmas and all, but that deserves a nice big Oy Vey. Sorry to hear Ann. I’m sure there will be time to discuss it more, but now’s not that time. For now, enjoy your time with your son and your family–that’s what’s important.

    • Thanks Josh. And yeah, we had two conversations about it and there will definitely be more. A few friends suggested I cancel my vacation because REALLY. But I’m choosing not to do that – I feel at some level he’s opening up but if he can’t take that leap and stop this shit with his ex, I’m done. I figure I will see how our vacation goes and then take it from there. But unfortunately, knowing this is what he’s doing has changed things for me.

      • I think you might be making a mistake with the vacation. If somehow you are able to forget about this and have this great vacation you are only going to have a harder if not impossible time doing what needs to be done after. Or your going to go on the vacation with the fixer that you are and try to convince him to leave his ex once and for all for you. Something you agree he needs to do on his own. I think you would be better to say to him, unless you quit the ex, I don’t want to go on vacation with you. Give him that ultimatum before you go… Just my opinion.

        • Well we’re already in Jamaica πŸ™‚
          You see, there was no time to have that conversation as the last week has been jam packed with family stuff. And certainly I know that an ultimatum conversation wouldn’t work.

          I won’t have a harder time afterwards… It’s going to be excruciating no matter what.

  4. Oh Ann!
    It’s fucked up, isn’t it?
    I agree that there’s a difference between not shouting from the roof tops and pretending.

    The only thing I can think of to explain this is that it’s a very good client/partner who’s also very stuck up and doesn’t agree with divorce and he just doesn’t feel strong enough to tell him.
    It wouldn’t excuse what he’s doing, just explain maybe… I think Tony may be a bit unsure emotionally, and I don’t mean about you but about himself, and just goes with what’s easiest for him. He may also have been so disconnected from his wife for a while, his one and only serious lover before you if I’m not mistaken (at least in a loooong time), that this was normal behaviour in his marriage, he didn’t realise it could be hurtful to the other, got used to behaving like this, whatever was easier emotionally for him, that’s what he did… and hadn’t had a chance to be set straight (maybe communication in his marriage wasn’t all that great and she wasn’t as self aware as you about what felt *wrong*).
    I’m glad you got to talk about it with him. Hopefully now he realises he’s got to grow up!
    I’m glad you have Liam to spend time with. Try to focus on *that*, quality time with your son.
    Happy Christmas Ann.

    Hugs! Lots of them!

    • Dawn you are far too kind. That is not the kind of person this other guy is. It’s simply that Tony is avoiding conflict and since he hasn’t decided 100% not to go back to Mary, he isn’t telling her about me… Otherwise that door he wants left open a crack may slam shut.
      It’s not good behavior no matter how you look at it. But yes. The other stuff you say about him is generally true – good insight πŸ™‚

      • Ah! Kindness is what got me in trouble for so many years of a crappy marriage!
        I do agree that he’s trying to avoid conflict, and it’s not a good behaviour. He needs to grow balls, and decide whether he wants you in his life or not.
        I’m sorry it’s hard. Hugs!

          • I don’t doubt his feelings either, but he needs to consciously make the decision to choose you at this point. I’m like M. I think wait until after the vacation, see how it goes, what it changes in him… and in you maybe πŸ™‚
            More hugs coming your way πŸ™‚

          • I didn’t cancel the vacation because that’s tantamount to ending the relationship. And I want to give him a chance to do the right thing…and I knew there’s no way that was going to happen this week with holidays and family plans, and while it was hard enough dealing with this news, I can’t imagine having had to deal with a breakup as well.

          • I think you were very wise. And probably there is still hope in you that you will feel differently during/after the vacation compared to what you feel *now*.
            I think it’s all complicated enough and stressful enough that you didn’t have to handle breakup. It is after all difficult explaining to your kid that you’re sad during such a fun time for them (especially as they are still young).
            Sending you more hugs Ann. Many more.

          • Thanks Dawn. If I feel differently after my vacation – at least in any sense regarding his choices being “okay” regarding his ex – then please chastise me.

            I might feel more positive about whether he’ll do what I need.

          • I do hope that you feel more positive that he’s changed and willing to face the music. If it’s anything else… I’ll remind you gently. πŸ™‚
            Reading all this reminds me how lucky I am that my lover is divorced and in no way trying to hold onto a relationship, not co-dependent. Of course, it has it’s cons too, since he doesn’t want one with anyone including me πŸ˜‰
            Sigh! One day, things will sort themselves out for both of us!
            The thing is, you’re ready for much more, I’m not really πŸ™‚
            Sigh!
            Hugs!!!

      • … If your primary concern is to avoid conflict, suppressing your substantive wants is an effective (but not healthy) way to further that goal. And if you’re suppressing your wants, then it really doesn’t matter what the wants actually are, so you can save yourself some effort by not doing the work to figure them out in the first place.

        • I don’t think anything he’s doing right now is particularly healthy, as you say. He’s not proactively communicating – he just absorbs and keeps things in his own head. I hate that.

  5. Sometimes I wish I could divorce my gender for the cowards they are. We would rather not face confrontation and upset our nearest (and hopefully) dearest and hope it all works out. My heart goes out to you Ann and hugs if you need them. Merry Christmas.

  6. That is fucked up. It’s even more curious why his wife would go along with it. They aren’t figuring out how to courteously co-parent, they’re living like they’re still together in two different houses.

    I’ll bet things will be different when she finds a boyfriend. No man would put up with that bullshit.

    You’re successful, intelligent and you have your shit together. Don’t settle!

    • She’s going along with it because she wants him back. And that’s exactly it – together but in two different houses. He says they aren’t physical and I’m trying to believe him.

      I won’t settle. I will tell him on our vacation or afterwards that if he is unable to end things cleanly with his ex then he won’t be dating me anymore.

  7. Oh Tony is certainly not making things easy. He really needs to make a final decision about his “not-so-ex”-wife before he makes a move into a new relationship. This new information is a huge piece of the Tony puzzle. Sad that it’s so disappointing. πŸ™

  8. I’m still in the camp that it sucks and it’s wrong, but wait for vacation and see if there is anymore movement after that. Maybe it’s the impetus he needs?

    • I like that you’re the optimist and I’m the pessimist… “any more movement” implies there’s been some. And I know there has been some movement…. But not in the area that really matters.

      Yes, I’m going on this vacation. I don’t know how I will get through it without having a full on screaming session at him – I’m livid – but maybe alcohol and sun will help.

      I’d love to believe a vacation with me will be the impetus he needs….

      • I think the solo time is going to be important to him. Perhaps it will enlighten him. I have hope for team Tony!

        • I know you do my dear. I haven’t lost ALL hope but it’s greatly diminished.

          I think he knows what he has in me. The vacation will just highlight it. But I don’t think, as amazing as he may think I am, it will change the fundamental issues he’s facing.

  9. Wow, Ann. I don’t have any words for this. But I AM sending you long distance hugs. With the time difference, you may not get them today, but I’m thinking of you.

  10. Ahhh, the bad boys. They take shape in oh so many forms. Tony is a bad boy. He’s handsome, smart, charismatic but he is also a crappy communicator, non-confrontational, selfish (“I can string along both my Ex and ASV so I don’t have to choose”).

    Sorry, I thought he was doing better and I was optimistic for you both. Then came him having to paint his son’s room. Ding, ding, ding went my alarm bells. If he is trying to disassociate from his wife AFTER A YEAR, this was a chore to be outsourced. His 4-yr-old kid didn’t know nor care if his room was painted and by whom, but his mom – Tony’s wife – sure did.

    My next alarm bell was the office holiday parties. Those events are minefields. I get it, but now he’s using his wife as a beard?! I think Tony the Bad Boy was taking the path of least resistance and it smooths things over with the wife before he jets off to sun and fun with the other woman in his life.

    He’s a Bad Boy. If you want to play with a Bad Boy, have at it. Just know that they usually end up being nothing but trouble unless they are truly willing to reform their “bad boy” ways.

    I am so, so sorry about this turn of events. I am rooting for you and my heart aches for you. I hope drinks and sun ease things. I always say a defining moment in a relationship is traveling together. It can make or break a relationship. Good luck!!

    • Thank you Maggie; this truly caught me by surprise. I knew he hadn’t told her about me but thought it was mostly about timing and fear… Not that it went farther to active participation in deception and stringing both of us along.

      It just makes me so fucking sad (angry too, but sad more), because this goes deeper than just him having trouble sorting out a divorce. It’s about him and his personality, fundamentally… Maybe exacerbated by the situation.

      I just can’t see him doing what I would need him to do in order to stay with him. I’m willing to give him the chance, but that chance has a hard deadline.

  11. I’m dumbfounded…and dying to hear the rest of this story. What. the actual. fuck.

    The only “good” news here is that he told you. I can’t imagine how that came about, but not denying it to the end is at least “better” behavior. Still shitty.

    HUGS! I’m hear to tell you that alcohol (with or without sun) is not going to keep you from having a good yelling session. The good and bad news, is that you’ll be in another country. He’ll have to listen bc he has nowhere to go, but then again, after-the-fact, neither do you.

    • I do think it was somewhat positive that he told me. Unless he’s delusional and he thought I wouldn’t care. It means he trusts me. I told him how I felt and yes, will write it as soon as I find the time and feel like it. Maybe next to him on the plane πŸ˜‰

  12. Damn that is weird, what type of relationships do you get into?…..humans humans to complicated to understand thatΒ΄s why IΒ΄m so shallow I think. But hey! Merry fucking Christmas. Mine is not you can say is all beauty, no tree nor material gifts, really the familly is pissed off so…fuck it, Merry Christmas again.
    That Tony…..you gotta get him really jealous, you invite me to the U.S as your fiance since that way I can get a visa (then probably overstay it) and boom! The Spanish stallion will make Tony jump right in your arms and not let you get away (if you want that is, the him getting away part).

  13. I’m not quite sure why you’d want to go on holiday with this guy, especially when this is ask in the air. I’d never enjoy myself in that situation and would rather not put myself through it.

    But that’s a call you need to make. I just hope it turns out the way you want. X

    • Honestly Sharn, I want to have the opportunity to tell him what I need and ensure he knows if he can’t do that (which I’d understand), then I can’t be with him anymore. That wasn’t a conversation we were going to have this week with everything going on, and we leave Monday morning.

      I know we will have an amazing time together; even the day after I found out I was able to enjoy him. I suppose another part of me hopes that spending 5 days together and having the great time and conversations and all that might be the tipping point for him knowing what he needs to do.

      There’s a faint hope. Not much, admittedly.

  14. That just sucks. The Tony pretending to be married, not the Christmas with family. Merry Christmas Ann. I hope everything else in your world is ok this weekend. As usual I’m still not seeing you in my reader feed, but I’m happy to come looking for you!

    • I wonder why I’m not in your reader? What happens if you unfollow then follow again?

      And yeah, it sucks, but I’ve managed to have some good times too, although this shit hasn’t been far from my mind.

  15. Huge red flag. Huge.

    This guy is a chameleon. You will never really know where you stand with him.

    His acting out such a lavish deceit speaks of a fundamentally weak character. Weak people are never to be trusted. Just look at what he is doing to those other people at that dinner table. You’re allowing yourself to be one of the satellites in his orbit.

    Going away on vacation will not change the fact that, as I now see it, he is a narcissist.

    If a year ago I told you that you’d be in this position with such a person, what would you have said?

    What you choose to do next will speak volumes about you.

    Too much honesty?

    • I know exactly what it says about me. That fundamentally I’m a trusting person, think the best of people, and believe that as grown-ups we all have the capacity to change, if we want to.

      Not going on this vacation would equate breaking up with him, something I wasn’t prepared to do until we’d had a proper discussion about what I need in order to stay with him, and what I will need to do – for myself – if he can’t.

      It’s a fine line between control and an ultimatum, and the message I want to give him. I can’t tell him what to do, nor can I make his choice for him. But I can tell him what is acceptable for me, and what I need. I will understand if he’s unable at this point to shut the door on his marriage, as he’s been very open to me about that.

      But if he still in any way is continuing a relationship with his wife that implies anything other than they are separated, I can’t be in the relationship.

      So I guess the other thing my behaviour says about me is that I’m compassionate, understanding, and fair even when hurt and angry. But I’m no pushover.

      And for what it’s worth, yes, I do fear that this behaviour is fundamental to him. He’s not a narcissist – I’d be interested in hearing your data points for this diagnosis. Is he acting selfishly? Yes. But it’s not as straightforward as that. But no matter what the reasons / root cause, I can’t be in a relationship with someone who is having more than one relationship.

  16. Ann, I’ve noticed a movement in these comments toward suggesting you not go on vacation. I am grossly unqualified (for many reasons) to advise anyone on such matters, but it seems to me that if you don’t, you’ll regret not giving it a try. I hope the next few weeks bring you all that you need.

    • Oh I for sure have to. Cancelling this vacation would basically be breaking up with him, and without having a conversation about what I need and giving him a chance to make a change, I’m not going to do that.

  17. oh Ann! I read this the other day when you first posted and decided not to comment right away as my first instinctive comments weren’t very nice. Warning, time has not changed them. Some observations…

    Someone else has already pointed out the obvious that he is not pretending to be married, the fact is he is married.

    I understand that you have an ease and connection with him that you’ve not had with any one else but you are letting that cloud your common sense. You need to shake this one out of your system and quick.

    Even in the face of being slighted by him, you continually make excuses for his bad behavior. You let him manipulate you over and over and over.

    Do yourself a favor and compare this infraction to the one Fox made, which is worse?

    If this was happening to a friends and not you, what would your advice to that friend be?

    Ann, this guy is TOXIC! He doesn’t deserve a vacation with you or a chance to explain himself. There is nothing to explain. This may very well be the hardest one you’ll ever have to walk away from but you have to because he wont. He’s not invested like you and for fucks sake don’t you want someone who’s invested? Sigh…

    Also, what does Mom think about all of this?

    Lastly, I know this is all a bit on the harsher side but I sincerely want the best for you. Love and Hugs, Ann! xo

    • Hi hon. Sorry it took so long for me to respond to this. Honestly, in the last couple of months since getting back together I haven’t seen much, if any, bad behavior from him. For example, he’s been communicative and responsive to me. Although hard to explain it, he’s been much more receptive to the notion of being boyfriend/girlfriend. So especially after reading all my posts from early this (last!) year, I knew things were different.

      Now, this piece of news regarding the dinner completely threw me for a loop and made very real the nature of the tie he still has to his ex. This is uncool with me and I won’t be able to stay with him if it continues. While I seek to understand him, it doesn’t make the behavior okay with me.

      With regard to Fox? Well, that’s a tough one. I don’t choose either, they are just different infractions. Fox betrayed my trust and manipulated months of our relationship with information he had and never told me he had. Tony has lied through omission on more than one occasion, yet when directly confronted he’s been honest. And yes, I know I shouldn’t have to push for the truth.

      But yes, this is going to be horrible to walk away from. You’re right about what’s clouding my judgment – I put a very high price on how I get along with someone, but I know that price can’t make up for the cost I’m paying right now.

      Harsh is okay. I need to hear it.
      xo

  18. Tony revealing the machinations that are him make you feel special and trusted and he gets brownie points because it is a leap for him to do so? Wow, this has gotten twisted. These things would be great if you were his psychiatrist but you are his girlfriend? The basis for a relationship is those things. They are not treats from him to you but somehow believing this obscures the quality of what is being offered. Really Ann it just stinks. You assume his behavior is based on fear and it needs a solution, a fixer; that he is avoiding conflict and needs to make a choice. Where do these beliefs come from? Gently, it feels to me as if all of those things apply to you. It is painful. I am sorry, Tony is not pretending to be married, he is married and it appears that sometimes he practices being married and thinks about staying married. I don’t know how the revelation “My wife and I went on a date with another friend and his wife” got interpreted in any way as a measure of girlfriend trust. If anything maybe it’s girlfriend test. Unless Tony was drunk or stupid it was a revelation with a purpose. Have you considered that Tony is not afraid and that all this isn’t just for the child? Is it at all possible that Tony’s relationship with you and his wife is the solution he wants, at least for now? Intellectual and physical connections generally aren’t one-sided but that does not mean he wants to trade. In my opinion, it is patently unfair to talk of being strung along. Only hopes and wishes have been strings and those belong to you without any help in the building of them as far as I can tell. Based on what you have told us, Tony has told you the unflattering truth. Perhaps the translator is broken. Some would like to paint the wife as either a manipulator or victim. Quite likely she is neither. She is really doing as wives often do, act like wives. If she wants him she is acting like she does. Why should she do otherwise. It is not her job to give him away. So you want to go on vacation and recount your needs again and hope that something there will eclipse his marriage. In light of all this, something seems so terribly wrong with that but it appears all the players are doing what they need to do for themselves. If anyone actually acted on behalf of the object of their affection this would all look very different.

    • I will respond more Cheri but just had to say – I don’t hope to have something on this vacation that eclipses his marriage. I can never compete – nor want to – with 20 years of history.

      • Then what are you hoping for that is not that. If I read you correctly, you need him to start acting like he is separated and stop acting like a husband. You need him to choose you. This does not need a discussion Ann.

        I’m sorry, I know you are in love but it is time to let go. He will fight for you if he wants it another way.

    • I wrote a super long response and it got eaten!! Damn.

      I will try again but this may be shorter. My beliefs about what drives him come from my observations and all our discussions for the greater part of a year. He’s frozen and unable to move forward with his divorce because he sees every option as being untenable when measured against how he feels as a father.

      Of course he has a strong connection with his ex; they’ve been together since they were 22. But he’s told me consistently (and I believe him) that the marriage was dead for a long time. When she asked whether they should get back together he didn’t because he knows it won’t be good. But there is absolutely a pull of family and normalcy that is very appealing to him.

      But to be clear, he’s not the one that needs to choose anything. If I was chill with all of this, I don’t think he’d move forward with any speed. The fork in the road is mine only; not his.

      And regarding his ex? I have no desire nor knowledge of her as a victim or manipulator. I don’t pretend to know her motives or her behaviors or her wants. Based on what I know of the things she and Tony still do with their son, I think it’s a reasonable assumption that both of them have trouble doing things solo versus continuing the family stuff they’ve always done.

      I have said to Tony before – and I mean it – that I want him to be happy. If I thought the object of my affection would be happier back with his ex then I would support him in that decision. I’ve done it before even when in love, and I would do it again. I broke up with him several months ago to yes, stop my own pain, but also to give him space and time.

      • I have learned that the framework of “family” in thoughts is very complicated. Children are a factor but usually not most of it. It takes on a dynamic of its own. Maybe that’s what it’s supposed to mean, I really don’t know. Frankly, I struggle with this myself.

        I hope your heart will be ok and that it can find every song. Best wishes!

        • Yes, you are quite right. Some of my friends have been reminding me of their own challenges with moving on, and they aren’t trying to screw over the people they are dating.

          • I know I wasn’t trying to screw over G, but I probably should have ended that relationship a month or two earlier… I had to learn how to find the courage to do so, and it was a good lesson to learn in a way πŸ™‚

          • I’m sure in hindsight, once you’re on the other side, it’s easier to see that you could have done it earlier. I choose to believe Tony isn’t a bad guy but is just stuck. I don’t think he’s intentionally deceiving anyone… but it doesn’t change the impact it has on me, feeling like the “other woman” who has to hide our relationship – from at least a few meaningful people in his life.

          • I understand. But… it’s not you who has to hide anything from these people, is it? This is Tony’s choice, hence Tony’s job, not yours! πŸ™‚
            Hindsight is 20/20, always πŸ˜‰
            I know Tony isn’t a bad guy, otherwise your gut would have told you to move along a while back πŸ˜€
            But I agree, it has an impact on you. And only you can decide what to do about that impact. πŸ™‚
            Hugs!

  19. wow…
    Ann, I’m sorry, but I’m not surprised. Check that, I’m a little surprised at this level of deceit after all of your history together.
    Regardless of what he promises , expresses and/or rationalizes on your trip about what happened and why, I would say that this is an excellent time to get the fuck off the Tony ride. This fuck-nut can’t be trusted.

    I hope you enjoy the trip none the less.

    All the Best!
    Coop

    • Thanks Coop – by level of deceit I presume you mean him going out for that dinner? Yeah, I was surprised too. Although he did tell me, so he didn’t lie about it and easily could have done so.

      I will confess to having an issue trusting him, and I hate that.

  20. I am always amazed by men who seem to be the dominant, alpha, strong male. But when you start to peel away the layers, some of them just have no balls. Nothing more frustrating or unattractive as a man who is too afraid to leave and too afraid to stay. This question could be seen as rude but is this the best you can do, Ann? I know the answer. But do you? Love matters, yes. You can’t help who you fall for. But you can make a choice not to follow your heart if it isn’t a healthy situation for you.

  21. If this all goes down the shitter, I want you to know that you are not alone. I had a similar though perhaps more extreme experience recently if you ever want to commiserate. It is a deeply painful decision you have to make, whether or not you decide to stay or let him go. I’ve been there.

      • I believe you when you say he isn’t a douchebag. I want to believe mine wasn’t either. The point, however, is that this hurts you, diminishes your trust in him and causes you to question the character of the person you will potentially be with for the rest of your life (or at least some substantial amount of time). You are in love with him, maybe he is in love with you too. Timing, however, is a bitch. He needs time to decide whether or not he wants to save his marriage or move on, which so long as he has both of you willing to be strung along, he’s simply not compelled to do. Even if he chooses to leave his marriage and own up to his behavior with his wife, you will then have to question whether he is really choosing you or using you to ease the pain of letting that relationship go. You have to choose what you want too. There is no judgment from my end on that one even if you choose to stay knowing all that you now know, only compassion and understanding. We don’t get to choose who we fall in love with and controlling our behavior in the midst of that is exceedingly difficult.

        • Timing is truly a bitch, isn’t it?
          He said to me on our vacation that he didn’t go back with her this spring when she asked because he knows it won’t be good or right. It sounded like he’d made that decision but not sure he’s really verbalized it before or had that discussion with her. And regardless, he hasn’t moved forward with settling his divorce, so it doesn’t really matter, does it?

  22. oh. well…fuck. ahhhh…fuck.

    Ok. Here’s my thoughts. (you know me with my rose colored glasses)…I perceive both you and Tony to be much more professionally successful than I. I believe there can be much pressure around your personal lives….to keep outward impressions…positive??? Conforming??? Socially acceptable??? I get the impression that the perception of your colleagues could weigh heavily on your success. Both of you. Perhaps Tony is afraid of that? I am still so totally Team Tony, and I am pulling so hard for you! No one gives a shit what/who I see or do professionally. I am just not that important, but I get the sense you both are. This is in no way an excuse for his behavior, but more an insight, from someone who doesn’t know any better, but wishes for the best……

    • You’re important to me, Julie!!! I appreciate your support of #TeamTony, I really do. His issue is that he’s in a very gosspiy and connected industry – film & television – as is his ex. So as someone already naturally private, it’s not great to have people talking about you. My ex was the same, so I get it. He rarely ever told colleagues about any personal stuff. But Tony ensured on more than one occasion on our trip to tell me which friends and colleagues knew about me, and just how much on the periphery the guy is who invited him and his ex for dinner…

What do you think?