And… turns out I was violated multiple times.

As you may have read a little over 12 hours ago, I was set to meet Fox this morning to give him his stuff (at his request). Pyjamas, a sweater, a KISS t-shirt, theater tickets. I included a little gift I’d bought for Maria when I was away.

He had requested there be no “scene”. He wanted it to be very transactional – here’s your bag, here’s your book, goodbye.

Of course you know that’s not how it went down.

We met close to his office which is en route to my own.

He had brought the copy of “Catcher in the Rye” I’d lent to Maria. I walked up to him and he looked at me intently. I could tell there was something he wanted to say…and he was trembling. I encouraged him to speak.

He said he’d written out two letters for me. One was hurtful; it’s the one he’d put in the book. The other one he’d left at his office. I told him if he held both those thoughts in his head he could share both with me. He took the page out of the book, saying he’d tell me instead of having me read it.

There was something he needed to tell me, and before he got around to saying it, I just knew what it was:

“You’d read my blog before October, hadn’t you?”

Yes. Yes, he had.

He sought it out in August, likely when I was on vacation and writing about Tony and Fox. He knew I’d had sex with Tony. He knew of my challenge in saying goodbye to him.

He knew all those things.

Since.

August.

He said he loved me anyway. He knew all those things and still loved me; I was that special to him. He wanted me to know he accepted me for exactly who I am. He let me into his life, introduced me to his daughter, and told me he loved me… all after knowing my deepest thoughts.

If I forget that he violated my trust, that’s a pretty awesome sentiment.

But wait. There’s more.

While he didn’t read again until a couple of weeks ago, despite promising me over and over that he wouldn’t read again, he did. Yes, a couple of you totally called that. My trust was (again) misplaced.

He read my blog last Thursday. So he probably read the stuff my Mom said about him and whether I was actually heartbroken. He definitely read that I saw Tony two weekends ago, and he definitely read the comment I made somewhere that I hoped to introduce Hy to Tony as well.

Which led him to contact me.

So basically, everything he did after the first 6 weeks of dating was a reaction to what he was reading. For example, he told me he wanted to revisit the exclusivity conversation. It’s now pretty obvious to me why.

Maybe someday I will go back and read my posts with this new information; I’m sure some things will fall into place.

There are so many things that bother me about what I learned. His violation of my trust, multiple times, despite his assurances and promises. His ability to act like nothing was wrong when clearly he had learned things that were troublesome. His seeking out my blog for answers when he never asked me the question.

(Sidebar: the only time I got visibly angry with him was when he told me he talked to multiple people who said I had no expectation of privacy given my blog is in the public domain. I told him I knew it was a risk if someone I was dating google searched blogs about gangbangs and found me by accident, but he deliberately broke his promise.)

He held my hands, hugged me often, and said many other things. Much was positive: he told me several times that he loves me. How amazing I am. How I made him a better person. He’s sorry he violated my trust. He said he cleared out his computer (the other place he read me from) and wouldn’t read again. He said he knows it will just hurt him more. I didn’t argue; he’s right.

He said he believes there is something special between us and doesn’t think this is “goodbye”. He doesn’t know if it’s six weeks or six months, and maybe never, but regardless, he knows it’s right for both of us to walk away now.

He’s deleted my contact information. I told him he could always use the “contact page” on my blog; a moment of levity in an otherwise very serious conversation. He asked me to not reach out over the holidays or his birthday since it would only serve to remind him of what’s he’s lost. I wished him a happy birthday (it’s not until March). We hugged again, and kissed, and I walked away.

But I did turn back to look, just once more.

85 thoughts on “And… turns out I was violated multiple times.

  1. Dearest one … I hope your ok…. j x

    I have a theory. With all this information out there it is almost impossible for someone not to … take a peak … but it’s like ‘pandora’s box’. For fox it must be like … having a constant in front of his face and having to abstain… human nature says … almost impossible.

    But if one does delve … one must also be prepared to accept 100% that they have opened pandoras box.

    Ann – I am so very very sotry that it turned this wayx

  2. I’m not surprised really, it must be really hard not to seek out the blog once he knew it existed, and of course he had to act as though he hadn’t read it, even if he felt troubled, because he knew he had broken your trust in doing so. And even if he intended to read it only once, the temptation to go back would be so strong. In the end he had to confess all. Hope you’re feeling ok, all things considered.

    • Perhaps it wasn’t fair for me to believe that anyone out there could resist looking. I’ve read about bloggers who have lovers / husbands who don’t go searching for it… but that’s the minority.

      I don’t think I can tell anyone if there’s anything I’m writing about them that could be hurtful. And how likely is that?

      I am feeling okay, just a bit beaten down at the moment.

      • “I’ve read about bloggers who have lovers / husbands who don’t go searching for it… but that’s the minority.”

        I’d believe it’s an infinitesimal minority, especially if the SO’s know that the person is writing about them and their relationship. Sure, if I were married or dating someone who had a blog about knitting or gardening or something, I could just ignore it. But if she’s writing a blog where she talks about intimate details of our relationship, including our sex life, OF COURSE I’m going to read it, at least from time to time.

        Anyone in that situation who says otherwise is probably lying..

          • Yes, as I’ve come to understand now, this is a different circumstance than I was imagining. I thought it was he either knew you had this blog beforehand (perhaps that was how he met you) or at some point as you started dating you shared it with him, and then made him promise not to read it, as you continued posting publicly on it. That is the part that seemed like an unrealistic expectation to me.

            But now I’m to understand he just knew that you had a blog under an assumed name, but didn’t know that name or web address, so he just did an extensive web-search for certain topics and phrases until he found this blog and was able to tell that it was yours? THAT is definitely a bit…obsessive, to say the least. And he’s been subsequently reading it all this time, without telling you, but then acting upon info he read in it? Yes, I can totally understand the feeling of betrayal now.

            And, note that I did say, right from the start, that he shouldn’t have lied about it. Once he started reading it, however he found out about it, he should have told you.

  3. That is true, what Vanessa-Jane said. Beyond that truth, however, is the sick feeling I have in my stomach over having read your blog months ago. Sick, because my ex-husband read all of my journals and it took years for me to put two and two together – why he brought certain things up out of the blue, questioned me very specifically about old boyfriends, etc. He always denied it, but it made sense in retrospect.
    Anyway, it does explain some of Fox’s behavior, but still – something about him disturbs me. And this news is like the nail in the coffin. I’m so sorry to hear of it, though.

  4. Technically, his friends are right. Since this is a public blog it cancels the expectation of privacy. And yes, even when using a fake name for yourself and others, and being careful about avoiding identifiable details of you life, when you do write so often about what you’re doing, certain things may slip out, in which someone who does know you and pays close enough attention, could read this and figure out that it’s you.

    And, seriously, I don’t know how you could believe that a guy who knows you and knows this is your blog, could just not read it. I mean, I guess it was wrong of him to even make that promise, but…COME ON.

    So, yeah, as long as you continued to publish this publicly, you should have just expected that he would likely read at least some of it.

    • Yes and no. While it’s true that this is a public blog to the average person, it’s not as if Fox just randomly happened upon it, he deliberately searched for it, after promising he wouldn’t. And in all likelihood he had to read a bunch of different blogs before he discovered the right one, since he didn’t know Ann’s pseudonym. This was a deliberate search mission by him.

      That’s the equivalent of telling someone you have a personal diary in your house but asking them not to look for it or read it. Yes, they can still look for it in your house and read it when you’re not looking, but if they promised not to and then they turn around and do it, they’ve still broken their promise and violated your trust.

      There’s a saying–play stupid games, win stupid prizes. All of us have inner thoughts and feelings that if we were totally honest with our partner about would hurt them to hear, but that don’t necessarily change our feelings toward our partner. By seeking out Ann’s blog, Fox set himself up to read Ann’s innermost thoughts that he didn’t need to know. He played a stupid game, and he won a stupid prize. He only has himself to blame, not Ann.

      • Partly true. Yeah, reading her blog helped unhinge Fox emotionally, but given the fact that he was reading her blog for quite a while, he was gaming their relationship, and her feelings. This is the larger issue.

        • Of course, but him seeking out her blog to begin with was his “original sin” that started the whole problem. Him keeping silent about it and gaming the relationship all stemmed from that first act. Either way, both things show that he was immature, manipulative, untrustworthy and selfish, so it’s just a sad state of affairs all around.

    • I know others have said this back to you, but I will give you my take. While yes, in hindsight I’m not sure how I could have thought anyone could stay away (although I know some who have). But even still, he said he wouldn’t look. I didn’t give him the blog name. He had to deliberately seek it out, which was a violation of his promise.

      So I did actually believe I had privacy from him looking at it. It wasn’t like he just happened across it by accident.

      And knowing he couldn’t stay away from it, he should have talked to me about it. I checked in with him multiple times to be sure he was okay with me writing, and him not reading. He said over and over again he was fine, and each time was a lie.

  5. Wait, so instead of talking to you like a normal person he thought he’d passive aggressively relate to you?

    It doth not make sense. If Cern reads my blog we talk about my posts if he reads something we haven’t discussed.

    You know, like two adults.

    I think you’re well out of that Ann. He just doesn’t seem to have the emotional maturity to relate to you like an adult. With words.

    Re his reading it, I don’t see how it would be that hard not to. I asked Cern not to at first and he waited. Then I threw caution to the wind and said fuck it. But it was a choice I made. Not one he took from me.

    Either way, I’m sorry it went bad. Spoil yourself silly. Xx

    • I know there have been people who have managed to stay away, and I was inspired by that. Like you say, he could have told me he was having trouble, that he was wanting to read, and we could have figured something out (and yes, I would have been muzzled and not liked it).

      And I certainly could have talked to him about a lot of what I was writing about. I did share some of the stuff about Tony. I hadn’t shared some of the concerns I had with Fox himself but could have, definitely.

      But he made a bunch of bad choices. He knows it; he knows what he’s lost.

  6. This is probably an indication that I need to get my mind out of the gutter… but when I first saw this title I thought we were finally going to get the story of your Friday night. My bad, wrong kind of violation.

  7. For what it’s worth, I disagree with most of the comments here. But you sort of know it already 😉
    There is no expectation of privacy… except Ann asked him not to seek it and he promised. Except once he found it, he should have told her, at least discussed the things that bothered him about what he read. Instead, he chose to act unilaterally on them
    Ann, it turns out you *could* have given him our blog posts on squirting in the end. I’m surprised he didn’t go and read them after my suggestion in a comment 😉
    Also: I am with someone who knows I blig, knows I write about him and others… and just reiterated that he had no intetest in looking for my blog, and that even if he found it, it wouldn’t change anything. I’m nit sure about that last part, but I know it was important for me that he knew.
    Maybe it’s different because there is no expectation of exclusivity between us, because we’re so open about that…
    There are still things about me he doesn’t know (my participation in Boobday and other things I’m about to write shortly). But I do believe we could get through that. Maybe after a long discussion or some time out. But I don’t think it is a must that someone knowing about my blog will seek me.
    He would have other ways to find me (poetry challenge for example), or sauna experience, or putting my words in a search engine (he reads some of my posts).
    I trust him that he won’t amd also trust him that he’ll try to discuss things if he were to find me.

    Right. This said, it doesn’t change the fact that Fox broke your trust and was never a really good communicator, he was only steering the conversation to places he wanted based on knowledge he had that you didn’t know he had.
    That’s pretty bad.
    I say good for him for not freaking out completely after the corset thingy. And for trying to move forward. But as long as he didn’t understand that honesty is central in a relationship, there never was any hope, really, was there?

    Hugs Ann. A bath sounds lovely!
    XO

    • Ok, my fat fingers on my phone left awful typos… maybe you can correct them?
      And also… maybe that’s why from yhe beginning you have had this fishy feeling, sensing something wasn’t right?
      XO

    • Oh, I agree, he was WRONG for promising not to. And then for continuously lying about not doing so. Especially if, as I assume (again, I’m still fuzzy on the details due to not being online for many months), he was reacting things he read in the blog while denying reading it. Yes, that is some shady passive-aggressive B.S.

      I guess I’m just saying that I never would have extracted that promise in the first place, or assume he’d stick to it. It’s just not human nature.

      I look at it as like if you had one of those old fashioned journals. An actual book that you write you deepest thoughts in. Even say it had a lock, as some did, so whenever you’d finish writing in it you’d lock it, and then put away in a private drawer underneath your socks, or something. Now say we live together, and I know you have a journal. I will not go through your stuff to find it and then try to pick the lock to read it.

      But if you just leave the journal, unlocked and open, sitting on the coffee table in the dining room every day, I think at some point the temptation would get the better of me, and I’m going to open it and look inside. As would most people.

      • I agree about the old diary with a lock.
        Except Ann writing anonymously is her hiding the journal away, so if you go looking for it, you’re going through the sock drawer in search for it. Ok, her diary doesn’t have a lock. You still went to look for it even though she’d hidden it.
        It’s quite different from her giving you the URL, essentially leaving it open on the coffee table 🙂

    • Good for him for not freaking out about the corset, but isn’t it more freaky that he knew and maintained his composure? I remember he said something to me by text about how excited he was to be the first person I was with in the corset; had he already read my blog and was he fishing?? That kind of acting and manipulation has me really weirded out.

      • It would have me weirded out too! If he is reading this, and there is no reason he isn’t, I hope he gets a better idea of how to handle things with the next person he claims to love 🙂

  8. I’m really sorry to hear that… I was expecting Fox to read your blog again as he seemed so consumed with the breakup. But for him to have read your blog and use the invasion of your privacy to manipulate the situation… NOT cool.

  9. Oh my God, I want to smack him. To me, this reads as emotionally manipulative. “Oh, Ann, you did so many things wrong*, but see? I still love you.”

    I’m creeped out.

    *I mean from his POV, not mine.

  10. So he’s been manipulating the game the entire time, set it up for you to never get ahead in his mind, and acts petulant at the end with the deleted forever drama.

    No matter…I am so sorry that it turned out this way. You deserve so much better ((hugs))

  11. Fox, I know you’re going to read this…

    You need to go get some help with your issues.

    You’ll never have what you want and be able to keep it until you do.

    Ann, you have a knack for getting involved with emotionally handicapped people…Sorry to say, but Einstein’s definition of insanity applies here…

    • Yes it was the same… On the one hand it does mean something to me that he read all that months ago and still loved me, despite everything. But maybe he liked the idea of me more than the actual me. Dunno. I’m sure as I come out of this fog I will get more clarity!

  12. Remember when I first found your blog? Remember how I read, and read, and read, and didn’t comment much? Since I have been in my funk, I haven’t done many of the things I used to enjoy. I am right back at square one here Ann! So much catching up to do!!

      • Oh Ann. The funk has been….exploded?? elevated?? I am pursuing counseling currently. Last Monday someone pulled up in front of my house and opened fire. I believe 5 shots. No one was injured in my home, except my microwave, refrigerator, bottle of sloe gin, and the window, and walls of the house…. I believe it was meant for my neighbor. I don’t think I can pull myself along with my children through this alone. I don’t even know if I should post this comment…

          • It is quite a bit to wrap ones head around. Truly. I have lived in this house for 29 years, not very far from the suburb (of Chicago) I grew up in. I have never felt unsafe. and I don’t know how to make my family feel safe again.

  13. I think ultimately he felt as though he could never compete with Tony. And actually now that you know what you know, that’s true. Sorry he violated your trust for so damn long. HUGS!!!!!!

  14. Wow, wow, wow. ASV, you have had your hands full. I do not like Fox’s deception one bit. That’s just creepy. Be glad you are done with him. You learned some valuable lessons with him – both good and not so good.

    As for blog privacy while in a relationship – that’s a tough one. The Hunter knows all about my blog. If he wanted to read the archives, he could because even though I haven’t told him its name, he knows my first name and he’s seen it up on my iPad.

    He doesn’t snoop for two reasons: 1) I read him all my posts about him and now I just read what I write because we like the communication. Sometimes it’s hard for me to be confrontational, so the blog can bridge that gap. I haven’t felt like I am censoring myself in any way. He wants to hear what I’m thinking, so he knows he has to be ready for anything. 2) he doesn’t want to know details about my sexual past, so he stays away.

    I must be one of the lucky ones, but I also think that your blog is yours to share or not. To go creeping around the internet to find you is a violation of your trust first and foremost. You deserve better.

    • You are definitely one of the lucky ones. I know it’s possible but I guess pretty rare for someone to be able to know and stay away. I can understand (to an extent) Fox trying to find it in October when he felt neglected and may have thought I was hiding something, but in August? That just puzzles me; things were going really well.

      I appreciate your support, Maggie!

  15. I’m just catching up on this so I’m late to the conversation. While I totally understand that it would be extremely difficult, or next to impossible NOT to look into your blog once he knew about it (I don’t think I could resist the temptation), it’s another thing to read about it secretly and use it as a tool to manipulate you. If he read it, and was open about it that’s one thing, but to read it and to base his actions with you around it…that’s poor. I’m sorry you had to go through that. Maybe for all of us entering a new relationship while blogging it’s best to be 100% honest, tell our partners about the blogging, and let them know precisely who we are and let them chose to be there or not. Either that or bury it all where no one will ever find it…

    • Yes, I agree with you. In retrospect I made a mistake telling him and thinking he could avoid trying to find it.

      But then yes, as you say, to find it and then use it to manipulate conversations and situations… makes me a little sick to think about it, frankly. I’m not sure it changed the nice things he did, but maybe it did, and I just don’t want to go down that thought rabbit hole.

        • I have no doubt that Fox loved/s me, or the thought of me. Because as you say, he still moved forward with me even after reading all those things, and knowing about my last relationship which of course would raise red flags.

          I just wish I didn’t know about him reading me way back in August, because it’s hard to wonder what was different about things he said or did as a result of having all that information.

What do you think?