As you may have read a little over 12 hours ago, I was set to meet Fox this morning to give him his stuff (at his request). Pyjamas, a sweater, a KISS t-shirt, theater tickets. I included a little gift I’d bought for his daughter when I was away.
He had requested there be no “scene”. He wanted it to be very transactional – here’s your bag, here’s your book, goodbye.
Of course you know that’s not how it went down.
We met close to his office which is en route to my own.
He had brought the copy of “Catcher in the Rye” I’d lent to Maria. I walked up to him and he looked at me intently. I could tell there was something he wanted to say…and he was trembling. I encouraged him to speak.
He said he’d written out two letters for me. One was hurtful; it’s the one he’d put in the book. The other one he’d left at his office. I told him if he held both those thoughts in his head he could share both with me. He took the page out of the book, saying he’d tell me instead of having me read it.
There was something he needed to tell me, and before he got around to saying it, I just knew what it was:
“You’d read my blog before October, hadn’t you?”
Yes. Yes, he had.
He sought it out in August, likely when I was on vacation and writing about Tony and Fox. He knew I’d had sex with Tony. He knew of my challenge in saying goodbye to him.
He knew all those things.
He said he loved me anyway. He knew all those things and still loved me; I was that special to him. He wanted me to know he accepted me for exactly who I am. He let me into his life, introduced me to his daughter, and told me he loved me… all after knowing my deepest thoughts.
If I forget that he violated my trust, that’s a pretty awesome sentiment.
But wait. There’s more.
While he didn’t read again until a couple of weeks ago, despite promising me over and over that he wouldn’t read again, he did. Yes, a couple of you totally called that. My trust was (again) misplaced.
He read my blog last Thursday. So he probably read the stuff my Mom said about him and whether I was actually heartbroken. He definitely read that I saw Tony two weekends ago, and he definitely read the comment I made somewhere that I hoped to introduce Hy to Tony as well.
Which led him to contact me.
So basically, everything he did after the first 6 weeks of dating was a reaction to what he was reading. For example, he told me he wanted to revisit the exclusivity conversation. It’s now pretty obvious to me why.
Maybe someday I will go back and read my posts with this new information; I’m sure some things will fall into place.
There are so many things that bother me about what I learned. His violation of my trust, multiple times, despite his assurances and promises. His ability to act like nothing was wrong when clearly he had learned things that were troublesome. His seeking out my blog for answers when he never asked me the question.
(Sidebar: the only time I got visibly angry with him was when he told me he talked to multiple people who said I had no expectation of privacy given my blog is in the public domain. I told him I knew it was a risk if someone I was dating google searched blogs about gangbangs and found me by accident, but he deliberately broke his promise.)
He held my hands, hugged me often, and said many other things. Much was positive: he told me several times that he loves me. How amazing I am. How I made him a better person. He’s sorry he violated my trust. He said he cleared out his computer (the other place he read me from) and wouldn’t read again. He said he knows it will just hurt him more. I didn’t argue; he’s right.
He said he believes there is something special between us and doesn’t think this is “goodbye”. He doesn’t know if it’s six weeks or six months, and maybe never, but regardless, he knows it’s right for both of us to walk away now.
He’s deleted my contact information. I told him he could always use the “contact page” on my blog; a moment of levity in an otherwise very serious conversation. He asked me to not reach out over the holidays or his birthday since it would only serve to remind him of what’s he’s lost. I wished him a happy birthday (it’s not until March). We hugged again, and kissed, and I walked away.
But I did turn back to look, just once more.