I backed myself into a corner but got out. I think.

~Previous Post~

The next day with Tony was good from a communication perspective. I sent him a good morning boob shot, so really, how bad could it be? There wasn’t a ton of texting which is fine when I’m busy at work. He sent me a sweet text that his pillows smelled like me.

He actually asked about my day. Which I know is not some major fucking accomplishment but he wouldn’t always do that before. (And yes, I know what that sounds like. Hello drop of water to a dehydrated woman).

We had arranged to see each other in the afternoon for an overnight on Friday. He texted he would try to be over there as soon as I’d let him. Which made me smile. 

That Friday, we both agreed a nap was in order before we did anything. But as sometimes (always!) happens with us, he pulls me into him and we spoon and then his hands are everywhere, his mouth on the back of my neck and shoulders, he rubs up against me and I feel his badness against my ass. Soon his cock is out and he flips me over and his delicious weight is on me and he’s inside me.

So yeah, that happened.

All high on cortisol, I started to think about the rest of my weekend plans. Jason and I had been trying to coordinate schedules to see each other for dinner. Sex was clearly on the menu.

Now I felt a bit stupid. If I had just kept my mouth shut earlier in the week, and not had an exclusivity discussion, I could have gone about my merry way and fucked Jason.

I don’t know why I insist on being so conscientious about things. But Tony had told me he wanted to date and have sex with only me – except when we jointly agree to be with others. Despite my fear this is simply the path of least resistance for him, if I want this to succeed I know I have to believe him and not assume the worst.

Which means I also need to act accordingly.

Yeah, I kinda backed myself into a corner on this one.

I took a deep breath and said (basically):

“I’m not really sure how to ask you this, but before I knew how you felt about things and where we stood, I was in progress of making plans with Jason [and I explained who he was].

I want to know what you think about my seeing him; I mean, I think I heard you on Wednesday but I know I sometimes put words in your mouth so wanted to be sure I was clear on where we stand.”

He said the same phrase I’ve heard before and come to hate:

“Ann, you can do what you want; I don’t want to hold you back from anything.”

Frowning, I said:

“When you say that to me all I hear is you don’t care and you aren’t going to fight for me. I’m making my own choice to move forward with you and you aren’t holding me back; if I feel that you are, I will tell you and maybe make a different decision. I don’t need to have sex with him; if we are going to explore together I’m fine with that.”

He said of course he would fight for me. I chose to not prod him further because I’ve yet to see fighting – at least not that I recognize.

He told me he didn’t like the word exclusive because it’s too scary and final for him. He reiterated he didn’t want to date anyone else or have sex with anyone else.

I may not have said this before, but one of the times we were sorting through shit in the spring I told him it wasn’t like we were making a decision to be together forever; it was a decision to go down a path together and see where it goes.

He didn’t see it that way. He says he doesn’t think about it that way. He sees it as final…saying yes, this could be forever.

No wonder it freaks him out. I have to remember this is a man who was best friends with his wife before they started dating at age 22. It’s all he’s known.

He went on to say “look, Ann, even if we were open and non-exclusive I wouldn’t do anything about it anyway.”

Which of course made my antennae vibrate. One interpretation of this is I am a path of least resistance for him. An amazing woman who loves him and will be there for him. He doesn’t need to make any effort. Which means that if something does cross his path that is equally or more tempting, he may wander down it.

And then he said:

“Ann, we can’t keep having these conversations every time we see each other. They stress me out. They make me want to run away and go under my covers and call my son. They make me feel like a shitty parent. 

I don’t want another wife. I’m still dealing with the one I had.” 

So I told him what I needed if we are going to move forward: I need him to communicate and be honest with me. Since we’ve decided to be exclusive (yes, despite him not liking the term) if that changes I need him to know. I reminded him we already went through it once where he said he was fine with it but wasn’t.

I told him I experienced being with someone who was basically his polar opposite. That I got all the flower and words and affection and things that made my girlfriends jealous. But that I was suffocating.

I told him I didn’t need him to be in touch all of the time but I needed him to respond to me. If he can’t keep texting that’s fine, just tell me. If he’s going into “hermit” mode to please just tell me. I said he was being pretty good at that lately and it was what I needed.

We were good.

He then did something a little odd and I’m reluctant to even mention it. But honesty prevails. He then masturbated. Which isn’t unusual; sometimes he needs to finish manually to cum, when we have sex. But this was out-of-the-blue, without a ton of interaction.

All I can think is that it was a stress release for him? Any suggestions welcome. In the moment though, I felt odd. He did seek me out and kiss me and hold me.

When he was done, our “nap” was over. He hopped up and was itching to get a snack; I told him since he’d just done his thing I’d just hang out and masturbate as well.

Which I did. With gusto.

 

He came back up and told me how hot it sounded.

We spent the night actually watching Netflix and chilling. We joked later about talking all the time and at one point I retorted he should be so lucky to have someone who WANTS to talk to him and be with him. He knows it.

He spent the night, and the next morning we had crazy intense fantastic sex that ended 10 minutes before I had to leave.

Picking up Liam from my parents house, I obviously had a post-coital glow since my Mom took one look at me and commented I must have had a very good night.

Depending on how I think about it, I suppose I did.

36 thoughts on “I backed myself into a corner but got out. I think.

  1. Your posts are so different in tone, when speaking about Fox v Tony. I love the spark and fire that Tony seems to give you. Even comes across in your writing. 🙂 xoxo

    • You aren’t the first to mention that Andi – even when I was writing about all the good stuff with Fox. I keep coming back to a dinner with a friend (she comments here as “Madame”) and I was telling her about Fox and she asked me if I was happy and super excited and I said all the right words but inside it felt flat.

      I don’t feel that way about Tony.

  2. I find surprise masturbation a bit weird too… like dude, tell me if you’re going to start jerking off while I’m lying next to you so I can get my toys and get off watching you get off, yanno?

    Maybe next time ask him to let you know so you can be ready too?

    Unless you aren’t into the getting off watching him get off thing that makes me a bit hot and bothered.

    Either way, it is a bit strange, but men be strange creatures I’ve decided.

    • Totally. That’s how I feel about it too. think it was a stress response…it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. He was pretty recently fucked (like, 15 mins prior) and while he might start off solo he ends with me (or vice versa).

      Anyway; not worrying about it. Just was curious what you thought!

  3. Ann, I think you may be over-thinking things with Tony. I would suggest you “go with the flow”. Keep your plans with Jason, but be discreet. “Don’t ask, don’t tell”. I think you are being too honest at this point and your forthrightness is making Tony uncomfortable because he feels like you are asking for a commitment that he isn’t ready for. Thus, his sudden urge to masturbate.

    You just reconnected with him. Give it some time & space to see how he handles it. He may be a “one at a time” dater, but that doesn’t mean you have to be and I think that is what he is trying to say. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less but he has a more open, non-judgmental opinion of relationships. Enjoy the ride. Relax and live your life — I think if you do that, things will sort out with Tony.

    • My plans with Jason fell through anyway so it wasn’t an issue. But Tony did say (yes, when asked) that he’d prefer I just had dinner. He doesn’t really like to share. I was trying to honor that. But you’re right… it was probably too much for him to deal with and I should have just stayed quiet about it.

      But what’s done is done. I’ve seen him since and he’s been available and present. All good. Working on not overthinking now 🙂

  4. I am happy that you reconnected with Tony. I would probably also buy another ticket for the ride… Life is short, right? And if you are in love with someone…
    However, reading your conversation with Tony… From the breakup tears, etc., it genuinely seems like he does care about you, but when these conversations stress him out that much, and the word ‘exclusive’ freaks him out, it seems to me that he was exactly where he was before – the only exception being that he is willing to spend more time with you and admitted to a strong physical connection. So he wants you to be kind of like his girlfriend, but without the commitment. Sounds an awful lot like friends with benefits to me.
    That said, I really do hope that he can give you more than that in the long term. Chemistry (in AND out of bed) is a rare thing, and if I were you I would probably also want to see where things lead, given the opportunity.

    • Thanks Nadia!! I’m happy to at the moment.

      It feels like more than FWB because of his desire to be essentially exclusive (as in, only date me, and play with others on very rare occasion but do so as a couple), but I can certainly see where you are coming from. There’s no question he’s not ready for Fox-like commitment. Perhaps he never will be.

      But yes, as you say, I need to see where things lead and it’s on me to determine whether I can handle what he can provide.

  5. Look – if he wants to be committed to you he will bring it up when he is ready but you GOTTA stop trying to be the one to define this. He knows very clearly how you feel and what you want. You have made an offer to him of exclusivity and he has said “Im not really ready yet” but you keep forcing the issue. Now he has agreed but it isn’t authentic. He simply isn’t ready yet but when he IS ready he likely wants you to be that person.

    If pin him down against his will what fun is that going to be for anyone?

    He was jerking off to show you who’s boss.

    • Well, he told me about sex with others; the fear of just one partner being what was holding him back. I asked him if he wanted to date others and pursue sex independently. I asked the question without judgment and was very calm. He said no; he wants to date only me. Wants to have sex with only me. He’s reiterated it a few times now.

      Do you not think that’s sincere?

      I told him I wanted to play with others as well; that I didn’t want to think of having sex with just one person. I thought he and I were aligned on this. What do you see that I am missing?

  6. My two cents is that he needed to masturbate as a stress response.

    Someone already commented about the “friends with benefits” thing and right now it feels like that is what Tony wants/needs. He had realized how much he enjoys you and missed you and wants to keep having sex with you. He doesn’t want to commit to being exclusive but sounds like he is trying to compromise so that he can keep seeing you.

    My suggestion is to try to accept it for what it is….this is all he is offering you right now. Don’t keep having a conversation about the relationship status because he is going to bail. When he wants to commit he will but if the idea of only being committed makes him want to run for the hills the you should probably keep your options open and don’t ask/don’t tell.

    • Well, he did say he wanted to date only me and have sex with only me – the exception being he (and I) are interested in maybe exploring others, as a couple. So yes, I know that doesn’t mean exclusive technically, but it’s not like either of us want to be open or regular swingers or anything like that.

      I agree with you that his commitment level – in terms of becoming serious, getting integrated into each others lives – is not the same as what I’m ready for.

      Maybe that’s okay. Maybe it wont’ be.

      • My thought is to just enjoy it for what it is and try to not look for more from him right now..he does sound like he had stepped it up as much as he can and for now it’s the best he can do. What will be will be and you might as well have fun with him in the mean time.

    • Yeah, it was the fact that I was right there, and not engaged with him at all. Normally I don’t care if he starts or finishes that way. But this was odd to me. Oh well, not going to overthink it (that’s my new mantra lol)

  7. First off I have to say I’m really happy to see Tony back in! I like Tony! I like that you like Tony.

    The masturbating alone, at fist I thought you were having that convo with him over text. Then I forgot, wait he’s over! Then I realized, that’s kinda odd. But stress relief is pretty accurate, but not if you’re having regular sex, which from the story sounds like you are.

    Odd. (But I still like Tony!)

    • Good to know you are #TeamTony. There are several of you here 🙂

      It makes me happy too. He’s fun to be around.

      And yeah, we’d just had sex and finished about 15 minutes before! So a bit odd to me but I’m going to try to just not think about it 🙂

  8. I’m sticking with my “gun shy” theory for Tony. And I agree with the excitement you write with when he is involved I haven’t gotten through the Fox story, and frankly not sure I want to being as I started with the back end. I think Tony knows exactly what he wants, and it scares him. I applaud your honesty and of course he would rather you just had dinner with Jason, or you know, not see Jason at all……whew…

    • It might be interesting to read some of the early Fox stuff if only you can see how awesome he treated me. It was a nice thing to experience.

      Agree with “gun shy” as well. Perhaps he’ll never be capable, but hard to know at this point.

      And yes, Jason and I haven’t connected at all, although he did just text to ask if I had time to play…

What do you think?