Maybe I should have written about this right after it happened; much of our dialogue has faded in my brain and only nuances and snippets remain.
It was the best conversation because it actually flowed. There was inquiry and engagement. Back and forth. Some laughs. We were honest with each other.
We spoke for almost three hours.
Fox always maintained he was black and white. That when a relationship was over, he walked away, deleted all information, and moved on. It was how I was certain when I got those first text messages that our relationship was over. He’d told me time and time again it’s how he operated.
Which is partly why the changing tone of his text messages confused me. Here was someone who went from all of the anger and terrible things, to how much he loved me and wanted me back.
Well, he explained it to me in our conversation. He said for the last decade, his relationships were pretty much disposable. So at the point he decided he was done, he was able to move on and not look back. No regrets.
However, despite his deciding we were finished, he subsequently realized I was/am different. He realized how much he loves me. I wasn’t disposable after all. He couldn’t just walk away.
He felt true remorse for what he did, and how he did it.
We talked about what happened in the couple of weeks prior to “the incident”. How he thought things were awesome until we couldn’t see each other as much. For a variety of reasons. He said he needs to see me no matter what, even in a busy week.
He reiterated all the little hurts which were accumulating. How by the night we watched the sporting event it was all too much for him, and he snapped.
I was unemotional, but told him exactly what I thought of his unilateral overreaction. I told him for 15 years I was with someone who wouldn’t tell me what was on their mind, and who would blow up seemingly out of the blue. Fox had acted much like my ex-husband Will, and I was absolutely not going to be with someone like that again.
We argued briefly about his assertion I cheated. I told him since we agreed to be exclusive, I haven’t touched anyone else. But he had different (unspoken) expectations prior to then, and as a result he saw it differently. We agreed to disagree.
He asked me to tell him about the other challenges I had with him. It was so odd, since I figured he’d read it already.
But since I also knew he’d read it, there was no point trying to hide the truth. We talked about the verbal banter. We talked about mental and physical chemistry. We talked about his being rigid.
He asked me questions. He sought to understand. He challenged me on a few things, but wasn’t defensive. I was concerned he was taking these things as a laundry list of things to change for me, versus things that he genuinely wanted to work on for himself.
He insisted it’s the latter, but I wasn’t convinced.
Interestingly, he completely understands the challenge of not having intense chemistry. He agrees we don’t have it. In his mind, however, it’s a positive. He’s had those relationships before, and they were volatile. It took him a decade to understand it wasn’t good for him. He is looking for something like what we had.
I told him I don’t know how to be in a relationship without it.
I left it that I needed time (probably weeks) to really clear my head and feel space without him and see how that feels. He asked me to consider us as still exclusive during this period but understood I made no promises of that. Which I didn’t.
He said he’s not going anywhere. He wants me back.
In the immediate aftermath of the conversation, impressed by how he responded and his commitment to bettering himself, I was inclined to give it a chance.