The Hail Mary conversation (part 2)

Part One

Maybe I should have written about this right after it happened; much of our dialogue has faded in my brain and only nuances and snippets remain.

It was the best conversation because it actually flowed. There was inquiry and engagement. Back and forth. Some laughs. We were honest with each other.

We spoke for almost three hours. 

Fox always maintained he was black and white. That when a relationship was over, he walked away, deleted all information, and moved on. It was how I was certain when I got those first text messages that our relationship was over. He’d told me time and time again it’s how he operated.

Which is partly why the changing tone of his text messages confused me. Here was someone who went from all of the anger and terrible things, to how much he loved me and wanted me back.

Well, he explained it to me in our conversation. He said for the last decade, his relationships were pretty much disposable. So at the point he decided he was done, he was able to move on and not look back. No regrets.

However, despite his deciding we were finished, he subsequently realized I was/am different. He realized how much he loves me. I wasn’t disposable after all. He couldn’t just walk away.

He felt true remorse for what he did, and how he did it.

We talked about what happened in the couple of weeks prior to “the incident”. How he thought things were awesome until we couldn’t see each other as much. For a variety of reasons. He said he needs to see me no matter what, even in a busy week.

He reiterated all the little hurts which were accumulating. How by the night we watched the sporting event it was all too much for him, and he snapped.

I was unemotional, but told him exactly what I thought of his unilateral overreaction. I told him for 15 years I was with someone who wouldn’t tell me what was on their mind, and who would blow up seemingly out of the blue. Fox had acted much like my ex-husband Will, and I was absolutely not going to be with someone like that again.

We argued briefly about his assertion I cheated. I told him since we agreed to be exclusive, I haven’t touched anyone else. But he had different (unspoken) expectations prior to then, and as a result he saw it differently. We agreed to disagree.
He asked me to tell him about the other challenges I had with him. It was so odd, since I figured he’d read it already.

But since I also knew he’d read it, there was no point trying to hide the truth. We talked about the verbal banter. We talked about mental and physical chemistry. We talked about his being rigid.

He asked me questions. He sought to understand. He challenged me on a few things, but wasn’t defensive. I was concerned he was taking these things as a laundry list of things to change for me, versus things that he genuinely wanted to work on for himself.

He insisted it’s the latter, but I wasn’t convinced.

Interestingly, he completely understands the challenge of not having intense chemistry. He agrees we don’t have it. In his mind, however, it’s a positive. He’s had those relationships before, and they were volatile. It took him a decade to understand it wasn’t good for him. He is looking for something like what we had.

I told him I don’t know how to be in a relationship without it.

I left it that I needed time (probably weeks) to really clear my head and feel space without him and see how that feels. He asked me to consider us as still exclusive during this period but understood I made no promises of that. Which I didn’t.

He said he’s not going anywhere. He wants me back.

In the immediate aftermath of the conversation, impressed by how he responded and his commitment to bettering himself, I was inclined to give it a chance.

45 thoughts on “The Hail Mary conversation (part 2)

  1. Hello Ann,

    Lurker, first post to your blog.

    Sounds like you two had a nice conversation, but you two are at different points in life. Why continue?

    I noticed you said “inclined” and that this convo happened last week so what do the readers know of your current status, but it sounds as if you have moved on.

    Anyway, I had the impression that you were ready to pull the plug on it, before the weekend blow up. Why the hesitation?

    • Hola and welcome. I’m a week behind…I’m trying to actually have some space to think about what I want and if i’m willing to work with Fox on our relationship. He’s been in contact regularly; I still haven’t made up my mind 🙂

      • Thank you.

        Actually I know what Fox is talking about re: intensely passionate and volatile relationships. Been there–never again.

        Compatibility, synergy, and chemistry are must haves. Romeo and Juliet-like passion? Ugh. And look what happened to them.

          • I wouldn’t have been dating him if there was bad chemistry. Physically things were good…not the best I’ve ever had, but I was okay with that. Mentally our chemistry was more of a challenge, and I’m not sure anything can really be done about that.

        • Well, there’s a pretty good story…so there’s that outcome 🙂

          But yes. Volatile isn’t good. And there’s a difference for me between physical and mental chemistry, although they are connected. And that’s where I was challenged.

  2. Wow that was fast! Thank you part 2 :-). Ok, so I think there’s a difference between chemistry and lust. If a relationship is based on lust, it fades just as quickly as it erupted. But chemistry is such a must-have….I get your quandary.

    How would you rate your chemistry specifically? Like on a scale? Is there any? At all?

    • I really wasn’t trying to leave people hanging for too long!

      Chemistry is decent. Not awesome. Physically it is/was good. Mentally less so – it’s the latter I struggled with more, because as you say, intensity fades.

      • In my younger years, I would have said “It’s all about the instant chemistry, chemistry, Chemistry!!!”

        But as I’ve hit 25 (cough, cough), it’s the mental connection that wins by a landslide. If there’s nothing going on upstairs and they can’t turn me on with their mental fortitude, it’s a no brainer. I get why you are conflicted since Fox has other endearing qualities but perhaps this is for the best.

        How do you feel about putting yourself in the dating scene again? You up for that?

        • I am not up for putting myself back into the dating scene. At least as of now, I’m not going to reopen any dating profiles. But it doesn’t mean I won’t revisit some old lovers perhaps, maybe do a sex club visit with Jason… entirely depends on my mood and my needs.

          But back to POF and OK Cupid? Gah. No. I want to just chill and spend time on my son, my health, friends, and work.

  3. Sounds like you’re back sitting on the fence again! I did read the hidden posts – I didn’t comment because I’m rushing through things the last few days – I’m doing NaNoWriMo, so pretty busy and head full of writing stuff, but just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing and say hi! I’ll be interested to see how this develops, or doesn’t.

  4. Ahh. So has being totally open about how you feel with him changed where you are mentally?

    I agree that chemistry, so long as it’s there doesn’t have to include fireworks. To be honest that hot blinding passion, I’ve found, splutters out quicker than a slow building of feelings & chemistry.

    Hope your head isn’t feeling too overwhelmed.

    Xoxox

  5. That last sentence… doesn’t bode well. For the relationship, I mean.
    But I like that you were able to talk like this. And I’m glad that he realises that you’re different and worth more to him than any of his other relationships. And that his daughter was able to point out to him specific things that you brought him that make this relationship worth it (for him) no matter what.
    I’m curious where this goes. But I do understand that it may take you time to figure it out 🙂
    XO

    • I was pleased we could talk that like as well too; it’s what helped me feel more positive about things; at least from the perspective that he was open to talk, and not defensive, and willing to hear what I had to say.

      But yeah, I don’t know what will push me one way or another.
      xo

  6. Hey Ann – I’m not entirely convinced that you and Fox belong together as a couple (and I don’t think you are either). I just don’t think you 2 are on the same “relationship page” .
    Sorry, I hope this doesn’t offend you.
    Kim xxx

      • It’s just that he is starting to come across as rather clingy / needy (since the breakup which he instigated) and I’m not sure if you need that??? Also, If it was me, I don’t know if I would be able to overcome the fact that he violated this space…….can you be absolutely certain that he won’t do the same again when he feels insecure??
        Sometimes it’s only after a while that you get to know the true colours of a person…..and his seem a bit blurry right now.
        (I may be completely off base here)
        Love always Kim 🙂

  7. I think lust has a close relationship with chemistry in the beginning. But the one that makes it work in a long run is the chemistry.

    It is crazy though you mention the laundry list it is almost like you are saying he had read loads and wants to know about what was meant with 1 or 2. Strangely enough it is how it felt to me reading this.

    Nevertheless it is a good idea to clear the head before making a final choice. Though there is one part that would keep me from making one all together.

    Big hugs Ann I am sure it is not as easy as it might be to us reading only parts of a whole.

    Take your time.

  8. But what if it really is a “I did this, this and that” list and he insists on, well, insisting? I know you will make the right decision for you, and every relationship has some degree of need involved, but he still seems overly so.

    • Yes, I do think he has a higher need of interaction and connection then I do, even when we are both feeling secure. I am more independent than he is, and that’s not going to change. I can see us continuing to have conflict in this area.

  9. This is all very intriguing. I think this happens when you break up with someone though. You have that closure conversation where you are not as reserved and are more honest. Plus you have the comfort of knowing them. This as a whole confuses things that are otherwise straight forward.

    I am interested what you did Friday night? Was it with another gentleman?

    • Glad I can intrigue 🙂

      I do agree; it was easier to talk to him after this, but more so because he had read my blog. There wasn’t much worth keeping from him at that point.

      I will write soon about what I did that Friday and yes, it was with another “gentleman”.

      • Doesn’t that answer everything then? Why is continuing with Fox even a consideration? And if he knew this, do you think he would even want to continue? That all I will say about that…Looking forward to hearing about Friday.

        • What happened on Friday has no bearing either way on how I feel about Fox or what I may or may not do.

          He and I are on an official break and while he asked me to consider remaining exclusive with him, he also recognized he has no say over what I do right now.

          • I think you know from my previous postings I disagree that it has no bearing or doesn’t say a lot about where you are. I just think that if you were meant to be with Fox or any person, the thought of someone else would not even be appealing right now. That is me personally, you could be totally different. It is why I love reading all the different blogs.

          • Fred, what I meant is that I am making a decision about Fox irrespective of those Friday night plans. I don’t disagree that wanting to be with someone else is a sign – and frankly it’s one of the reasons I made the plans I did; I wanted to see how I would feel in the situation.

  10. I think it’s too bad Fox disclosed his neediness, too bad events triggered that response in him because it probably isn’t who he is basically. If you were not in a place of looking back and comparing there would likely be a quiet slow build with who Fox really is. I don’t know if even then he’d be your guy or you his girl but I do think he’s a quality guy and you would benefit from what his brand has to offer. Thing is, the best of him comes when he is comfortable in his own skin. I understand (though I think it was wrong) why he read your blog. It was the nagging feeling of being out of the loop & unable to connect even when everyone seems to be trying. I think he was looking for and found answers. How things should proceed from here, I think, largely depends on your ability & desire to build anew without looking at the skeletons in the closet. If you can do that Fox will sense it and you’d see the rest of him. Whatever the end result, you’ve both learned things and sometimes that’s the best you can do.

    • He is definitely a quality guy; no doubt in my mind. He’s got many good characteristics, and lots of them were good for me.

      There are some incompatibilities in what we need from relationships, and our mental chemistry. I don’t know that those are fixable. I can move past the whole “reading my blog” thing, but it does make me worry that his issues escalated so quickly after just a few months together.

  11. I think one sees another’s true colors when they are upset or stressed. Fox didn’t handle the stress well. I think you already have your mind made up. I’m very curious about Friday also.

    • I completely agree; it’s when we are really tested. It’s easy when things are going well.

      I have a leaning; I won’t lie. But I’m not trying to make a rash decision.

      And yes, I will write about Friday.

  12. Hey Ann, I had a nice email to send you after your “trust” post but decided to see how you let this play this out. In hindsight I should have at least sent a note expressing my support, sorry.

    I get Fox’s point of view (not saying he is correct). In the past I had a tendency to let the sum of the little things build to point to where I was getting angry over relatively insignificant issues. I decided to change rather than risk losing what was (and still is) the best thing that happened to me.

    Regardless of which ever path you take, please know that I’ll support you.

    All the best,
    Coop

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