What a crazy shit show the past few weeks have been.
As angry as I am that Fox betrayed my trust and violated my privacy, for what turned out to be for most of our relationship, it’s alright, ultimately. I learned things about him that may otherwise have taken a long time to uncover.
I don’t regret anything I’ve written; but I do realize I’m sometimes punchy with my comments and sure, cavalier in moments. It wasn’t quite accurate to say he doesn’t interest me on any level, for example.
But I stand behind every single thing I’ve said and done. If I had the chance to do it all again, I would still not have told him everything about Tony. I didn’t cheat on Fox, and I didn’t want to tell him anything that would hurt him unnecessarily. If it was me, I sure as hell wouldn’t want to know that the person who came before me had the best chemistry ever with my boyfriend. No way.
I would still have shared everything – except my being a blogger. I don’t regret it, because I’ve learned from it, but I won’t do that again, especially not early in a relationship.
I’m not unemotional about it, but there is no question in my mind that walking away is the right thing. My head has been there for at least a week, but I wanted to have the space from him to confirm it. Now I have it.
I’m sad when I think about what I’m losing with Fox. It was rather lovely to have someone so focussed on me and treat me well. The flowers, the dinners, the nights out, feeling like someone else was moving the relationship forward… that stuff was awesome.
It wasn’t enough to make up for the disconnects we had.
Then there’s Shenanigans.
As I briefly mentioned somewhere, out of the blue this week he again reached out. He’d done his typical “do you think of me” questioning, then told me he was still into me and liked when I would wear skirts. When I didn’t play along but said thank you for the compliments he said I was a narcissist.
He asked to see me and I told him I couldn’t; I was in a bit of a messy situation with a boyfriend. Goodness knows why, but I told him a little bit about what was going on with Fox. He asked me whether texting him was adding fuel to the fire. Which literally made me laugh out loud – this guy’s arrogance is matched only by his awkwardness – so I tried to be gentle by saying “no, I make decisions about people based on their own merit”.
He said he missed me, thought we always had a spark and an interesting connection, and wanted to see me. He offered to be a sounding board about Fox. Again I was non-committal and he explained he thought my talking about my relationship would be “hot and slightly defiant”. I told him I wasn’t going to be doing that with him.
He uncharacteristically told me directly he wanted to meet me and suggested a glass of wine would be nice. I explained I couldn’t; I had a girlfriend visiting. He countered he could bring a bottle of wine for the two of us and we could all hang out.
He subtly intimated he’d like sex with both of us. I said I wasn’t sure I was going to have sex with my girlfriend and he backed off from that line of texting.
Honestly I really didn’t care if I saw him or not. I wasn’t all that keen. But Hy and I were going to a club and so I suggested he could come and bring friends. He said he wanted something more mellow.
The night of, Hy and I had started drinking in the early afternoon. He continued to text me. By the time he asked if I was “in the mood for” him I was very drunk and at Hy’s urging, said sure. Shortly thereafter she took over my phone and plans were confirmed.
By the time he arrived to my place after midnight, I was puking my guts out in my bathroom. A combination of little food and less water, and copious amounts of wine drunk over the course of 10 hours, made for a really dumb and painful outcome. It’s been years since that happened to me.
He did come up to my bedroom later to say hello but I was otherwise absent; Hy took over host duties. She wrote about her experience with him (and it’s definitely worth reading). I was half-awake when they were on my bed, her taking off his pants. She had brought me water and ibuprofen. Later, I wanted my phone from downstairs so had to wander by them naked and fucking on my couch. I was too sick to really care.
That was just before 2am.
Tony had met Hy and I for drinks earlier and said he may come over later. At 2am (not sure how I came to be awake) he said he would come over early the next morning. I told him Hy was engaged “with a dude”.
The next morning, after they fucked (odd to hear it, but I was still too sick to really care but at the same time, sorta wishing I was also impaled on a cock) Shenanigans came into my room. He shut the door and proceeded to tell me he felt weird being with her without me. He tried to engage me physically and I told him I wasn’t well. He got up, came over to my side of the bed and stared to undo his pants – as if he was expecting a blow job. I said something along the lines to “what the fuck do you think you are doing?”
That’s when Hy came in and cuddled with me on my bed. He sat on it as well. I know we talked a little bit because I remember saying he thought I was high maintenance, and we talked about whether he was a good texter or a game player. We laughed and reassured him we were cool. Hy made coffee and I mentioned Tony was coming over and he would bring lattes. I will write more about the Tony part later.
Shenanigans got all weird that Tony was coming over and tried to understand what our relationship was. He asked whether we were going to want “alone time”. He made a snotty comment about me having multiple men in rotation. Hy and I had a good laugh about the fact he was freaking out about Tony yet here he was, actively fucking my friend.
It was all rather surreal.
But in the aftermath of that night I am hurt and angry. Not at Hy for having sex with him (or him with her); not in the least. But I realised I’ve never felt better after an interaction with him (unless it was me telling him to fuck off). I should have read my old posts before sending him even one text when he reached out this week. I don’t know why I didn’t block him the last time and I’m angry at myself for letting him back in.
Like every other interaction, he’s generally callous and a dick afterwards. But this time, instead of just fucking me, he fucked my friend in multiple places in my house, slept overnight, drank my wine, criticized me for being sick like it was a personal affront to him, propositioned her in front of me after I said no to whatever it was he wanted me to do, and for the rest of the weekend I heard nothing from him but got to witness their mild flirtation in action over text.
Had he demonstrated a modicum of care, I may feel differently. I have Jason to thank for showing me how someone should treat me after crazy sex antics. How to reinforce who has the primary relationship and ensure I feel connected. So I know how it’s supposed to be done.
Hy didn’t really know about all of Shenanigans’ shit and after reading my posts said she would have made different decisions had she known. She knew I had genuinely little interest in him; she’s not the type to sleep with a friend’s man and was genuinely concerned I was upset. Sure, if I hadn’t been felled by red wine I may have fucked him, but that would have been the first time in almost a year.
I’m going to block him but am debating whether to tell him to fuck off first.
And then there’s Tony. But he deserves a post all on his own.