So much to write about, but being over 40 it would seem that drinking way too much and not getting enough sleep does some serious damage. I’m still recovering from my wild Friday night.
But before we get to that, I want to write about Fox and where things are at. Yes, I will get to Tony and Shenanigans, but first things first.
As I said a few days ago, Fox and I spoke again earlier in the week. I reiterated that I needed actual space and time; meaning, I didn’t want to be in regular contact with him. He said he understood.
I did however arrange to see him briefly on the weekend Hy was here. The main reason was I wanted to see how it felt to see him. Doing so under the guise of him meeting a friend took a bit of the pressure off of having a big conversation. We were going to go to a local farmers market with lots of distractions.
I also was curious what Hy’s impression of him would be.
It didn’t feel like a big deal.
Tuesday and Wednesday I had space. There were no texts and no phone calls.
Thursday mid-evening, Fox texted me since he wanted to firm up his plans for Saturday, asking me to confirm where and when we would meet him, if we were still doing so.
I responded I wasn’t sure exactly what time, since we were going to be out the night before. Given when Hy had to be up for the flight here, I didn’t want to drag her ass out of bed to meet him if she was exhausted. So I gave him a rough time and asked if we could play it by ear.
He then offered to bring something to my place if that was easier. He joked about maybe hanging around if “squirting lessons were still on”. One night a few weeks ago, when he had again tried to get me to squirt, I jokingly suggested Hy could show him since ego prevented him from wanting a male teacher. But I wasn’t serious and I hadn’t asked her.
He then said “But I am pulling the male stripper off.”
I had no idea what he was talking about, so I asked. Apparently the first time we spoke about a girls night, he said he’d send a stripper. He then said:
“My biggest regrets: not dancing with you to ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’, and no threesome. Besides the shit I did.”
His tone was so odd to me. I wasn’t sure why he was bringing up all this sex stuff. But I was saved from having to address it because he then asked me about the tickets to the show he had bought for us and said I could keep. He said “Can I also ask a) am I going to the show, b) have you committed them to someone else. If neither a or b can Maria have them?”
I told him the truth; I hadn’t really thought about it but of course Maria could have them if she wanted. He asked me to bring them when we saw him and if that didn’t work out, asked me to give them to him on Monday since he was travelling the rest of the week.
Okay, no problem.
There were still more texts trying to sort out the plans to see him; since I wasn’t going to commit to a specific time I finally said if he couldn’t be okay with somewhat last minute I understood.
He then sent a long text about how he would do anything for me; my happiness was his happiness, as long as nobody was getting hurt. He said he was “preparing for the worst while hoping for the best”.
We signed off and I thought we were done.
I went to sleep and was woken up just before midnight to my phone ringing. It was Fox. I didn’t answer and went back to bed.
The next morning I woke up to an incredibly long text message that he’d sent right afterwards.
He said in his head he was meeting Hy on the weekend then expected I was going to invite him to the show over the course of the week. He said my “reaction to the tickets” told him everything he needed to know.
Which confused the hell out of me. I’d just had 48 hours of space and time to think. Yes, we’d been in way less contact than before, and I haven’t seen him, but my whole point was trying to get some distance and see how I felt. Guess I wasn’t meeting his expected timelines.
He’d made his decision. He said there was no point to meeting Hy. He asked me to meet him Monday morning to give him the tickets and the stuff I had of his.
“I honestly believed we could work now that everything was on the table and we could be ourselves. I will miss you. 11 years for me between I love you’s. You are that special. I doubt I will ever be able to share the things I did with you, with another woman. You are unique. Spectacular and beautiful. I only wish you peace and happiness in your life.”
All lovely. But he went on:
“It was too soon for you after Tony; and yes your sexuality as much as I was embracing it; it was a bit intimidating.”
I know some of you agree I needed space after Tony. But the way I see it, I spent several months even in that relationship preparing to get out of it. And the challenges I had with Fox weren’t because I wasn’t ready. At least, I don’t see it that way at all.
It’s weird to watch someone’s progress of compartmentalizing and justifying why things didn’t work out. But I watched it through these and other texts from earlier in the week.
He told me whoever I dated right after Tony would be doomed; that I needed to resolve Tony before I could have a healthy relationship.
There was a lot more. His texts are practically blog post length. He referenced mistakes he thinks he made (fine), when he was going to start dating again (weird), and commentary on future sexual exploration (um, okay). He reiterated his need for how often I should have been able to see him during the week, and concluded that the reason it changed is because I needed to see him more often in the early days to help get over Tony.
I won’t deny that meeting Fox helped me to stop seeing Tony, but the change in my schedule availability had nothing to do with my emotional availability – it was everything to do with work.
So I told him that.
And that was the end of it.