Let’s wrap this sh*t up (a post about Fox. Again.)

So much to write about, but being over 40 it would seem that drinking way too much and not getting enough sleep does some serious damage. I’m still recovering from my wild Friday night.

But before we get to that, I want to write about Fox and where things are at. Yes, I will get to Tony and Shenanigans, but first things first.

As I said a few days ago, Fox and I spoke again earlier in the week. I reiterated that I needed actual space and time; meaning, I didn’t want to be in regular contact with him. He said he understood. 

I did however arrange to see him briefly on the weekend Hy was here. The main reason was I wanted to see how it felt to see him. Doing so under the guise of him meeting a friend took a bit of the pressure off of having a big conversation. We were going to go to a local farmers market with lots of distractions.

I also was curious what Hy’s impression of him would be.

It didn’t feel like a big deal.

Tuesday and Wednesday I had space. There were no texts and no phone calls.

Thursday mid-evening, Fox texted me since he wanted to firm up his plans for Saturday, asking me to confirm where and when we would meet him, if we were still doing so.

I responded I wasn’t sure exactly what time, since we were going to be out the night before. Given when Hy had to be up for the flight here, I didn’t want to drag her ass out of bed to meet him if she was exhausted. So I gave him a rough time and asked if we could play it by ear.

He then offered to bring something to my place if that was easier. He joked about maybe hanging around if “squirting lessons were still on”. One night a few weeks ago, when he had again tried to get me to squirt, I jokingly suggested Hy could show him since ego prevented him from wanting a male teacher. But I wasn’t serious and I hadn’t asked her.

He then said “But I am pulling the male stripper off.”

I had no idea what he was talking about, so I asked. Apparently the first time we spoke about a girls night, he said he’d send a stripper. He then said:

“My biggest regrets: not dancing with you to ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’, and no threesome. Besides the shit I did.”

His tone was so odd to me. I wasn’t sure why he was bringing up all this sex stuff. But I was saved from having to address it because he then asked me about the tickets to the show he had bought for us and said I could keep. He said “Can I also ask a) am I going to the show, b) have you committed them to someone else. If neither a or b can Maria have them?”

I told him the truth; I hadn’t really thought about it but of course Maria could have them if she wanted. He asked me to bring them when we saw him and if that didn’t work out, asked me to give them to him on Monday since he was travelling the rest of the week.

Okay, no problem.

There were still more texts trying to sort out the plans to see him; since I wasn’t going to commit to a specific time I finally said if he couldn’t be okay with somewhat last minute I understood.

He then sent a long text about how he would do anything for me; my happiness was his happiness, as long as nobody was getting hurt. He said he was “preparing for the worst while hoping for the best”.

We signed off and I thought we were done.


I went to sleep and was woken up just before midnight to my phone ringing. It was Fox. I didn’t answer and went back to bed.

The next morning I woke up to an incredibly long text message that he’d sent right afterwards.

He said in his head he was meeting Hy on the weekend then expected I was going to invite him to the show over the course of the week. He said my “reaction to the tickets” told him everything he needed to know.

Which confused the hell out of me. I’d just had 48 hours of space and time to think. Yes, we’d been in way less contact than before, and I haven’t seen him, but my whole point was trying to get some distance and see how I felt. Guess I wasn’t meeting his expected timelines.

He’d made his decision. He said there was no point to meeting Hy. He asked me to meet him Monday morning to give him the tickets and the stuff I had of his.

He said:

“I honestly believed we could work now that everything was on the table and we could be ourselves. I will miss you. 11 years for me between I love you’s. You are that special. I doubt I will ever be able to share the things I did with you, with another woman. You are unique. Spectacular and beautiful. I only wish you peace and happiness in your life.”

All lovely. But he went on:

“It was too soon for you after Tony; and yes your sexuality as much as I was embracing it; it was a bit intimidating.”

I know some of you agree I needed space after Tony. But the way I see it, I spent several months even in that relationship preparing to get out of it. And the challenges I had with Fox weren’t because I wasn’t ready. At least, I don’t see it that way at all.

It’s weird to watch someone’s progress of compartmentalizing and justifying why things didn’t work out. But I watched it through these and other texts from earlier in the week.

He told me whoever I dated right after Tony would be doomed; that I needed to resolve Tony before I could have a healthy relationship.

There was a lot more. His texts are practically blog post length. He referenced mistakes he thinks he made (fine), when he was going to start dating again (weird), and commentary on future sexual exploration (um, okay). He reiterated his need for how often I should have been able to see him during the week, and concluded that the reason it changed is because I needed to see him more often in the early days to help get over Tony.

I won’t deny that meeting Fox helped me to stop seeing Tony, but the change in my schedule availability had nothing to do with my emotional availability – it was everything to do with work.

So I told him that.

And that was the end of it.

32 thoughts on “Let’s wrap this sh*t up (a post about Fox. Again.)

  1. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    Well. Then.

    That’s just. Weird? Silly? Stupid? Emotionally manipulative? What the fuck were you meant to say about the tickets? Was there a right and wrong answer? What the fuck?

    I’m so confused so therefore I’m not going to write anything more.

    I’m so glad you and Hy got to have a wild weekend. You deserve it.

    <3 xoxox

    • Thanks for that laugh, hon. I felt that way about the ticket thing too – like huh? It meant something?? All it meant was I was actually taking time to sort shit out!!

      But it helped make my decision for me, obviously, so there’s that…

  2. Hi 🙂

    I’ve been refraining from commenting because last time I expressed an opinion (about Andrew) I was completely wrong, and I hate when that happens. Heh.

    Thing is though, for a while Fox has been ringing my Nice Guy (http://geekfeminism.wikia.com/wiki/Nice_Guy_syndrome) warning bells. He keeps saying he loves you but expects your behavior to be dictated by his feelings, not yours (because he’s so nice *eyeroll*) and don’t get me started on the passive aggressive shit.

    I think he appeared in your life for a reason; you saw you could have what you wanted from a relationship. But his part is done, and he should be a man about it, damn it.

    • Oh!! If I didn’t write when I was wrong I’d be silent most of the time… No need to not say things for fear of being wrong.

      But I’m glad you said something. Thank you. I agree on the passive aggressive stuff – it drives me crazy.

      Given how these things have played out with him I can’t see going back at this point.

  3. Hi Ann! When things get represented linguistically as “drama”, that’s usually not a good sign… That aside, looks like Fox’s insecurities took over and made him bolt rather than be dumped, but you don’t seem to heart-broken. Annoyed, rather.

    • I did think I could relax into it and enjoy the good stuff, while sorting out whether I could deal with less excitement.

      But yes, with the way things have been in the last few weeks, it’s made me realize it wouldn’t have worked long term.

  4. Ha! (giggling over the emotional retard comment)
    I’m sure he’s nice but his insecurities would have driven me nuts by now and I’d be glad he was the one who cut it off so I wouldn’t have to. Something about his behavior is disturbing, and I’m not entirely sure you’ve heard the last of him. Eleven years between “I love yous” begs further evaluation – by a professional. I wouldn’t engage in any further dialogue with him other than what you have to, to return his stuff, and even then I think you’re best to bring a friend or meet publicly.

    • I’m not sure what the “11 years” comment triggers for you? He hasn’t been in love for that length of time… he’s been divorced for 14.

      And yes, he’s in therapy again to sort his stuff out.

      But he’s not dangerous at all. I have no concerns on that front.

  5. I feel like laurel right now scratching my head and looking stupid. No confused. Dumbfounded.
    Never mind I just raise my shoulders in an fashionable way As i have no clue what he was on about.

    It is true over 40 we do lose a bit of alcohol tolerance but doesn’t mean we have less fun than what we had in our early days.

    Enough shenanigans…. LOL
    have a great day.

    • Thank you for that!!

      Yes, enough Shenanigans. In the aftermath he’s proven to be as inconsiderate to me as he’s always been. The dude simply doesn’t make me feel good about myself.

  6. Good Lord.

    I know missed a lot over this past year, so I don’t know all the background of you and “Fox” but those last emails sound SO pathetic. I frequent the dating and relationship forums on Reddit, trying to give folks advice and this is such a common mistake among mostly young and inexperienced men. When they think they’ve found “the one” they just want to pour all their feelings out in emails and texts, either when they’re first trying to get the woman or when they think they’re losing her, and I’m always trying to stop them from this, telling them it’s too much and makes them look insecure, and does not help.

    It’s too bad he didn’t have any friends to tell him that beforehand.

  7. I’m not sure which was the bigger headache: your hangover or Fox’s texts. How exhausting. Can you imagine what a nightmare it would be to spend years with this man and attempting to manage all the peices of his fractured personality? You’d be better off punching yourself in the tit half a dozen times.

What do you think?