Is there such a thing as a ride tester? (The Tony ride, continued)

~Previous Post~

Yes, I took him home. Yes, we had sex; a few times. Yes, it was amazing. Yes, he slept over, we woke up together, had more sex. I got lost in the warm of his furry and strong chest.

But there was no talk of what it meant, of what it changed, if anything. No questions about my status with Fox. It just was what it was.

Later that day as I slung a heavy bag onto my shoulder, I was reminded of the bruise there, left by his teeth. I like that feeling, and I told him. Otherwise, we didn’t communicate the rest of the day or night.

I wanted more of him. I wanted to lose myself in his sensuality and our connection and just be with him. I wasn’t thinking about what it meant; if anything, I knew it meant nothing other than we wanted to spend some time together. 

I told myself and my friends I knew nothing had changed. There was no promise of more, or an expectation. I had no hope.

I invited him over for a drink and he accepted. Twice in one weekend was pretty rare – and my gut made a note of that somewhere in its ledger.

I sent him a picture of the cheese plate I’d put together – almost as attractive as boobs, I figured, and he was roughly on time.

We talked and sat near each other on my couch and it didn’t take too long before we couldn’t keep our hands off one another. The sexual details escape me but they aren’t actually critical to the story. He slept over but had to wake up early to get to his ex’s; he still takes his son to school every day. No morning sex for us.


He told me he’d thought about writing me a letter back (I shared my “from my heart” writing with him”), so that he could share what was in his heart and his head. I said I’d like that very much – delivered verbally or in writing.

I so badly wanted him to share with me, but I knew I couldn’t force it. He would open up on his own schedule.

After he left, I didn’t text him. I wasn’t about to fall down that rabbit hole again. No, I didn’t know exactly what I was doing, but I knew I didn’t want to add any hurt or confusion to my life.

He texted me that afternoon. He was preparing for a job the next day but we established we were both pretty tired but it was worth it. He said “Thank you as well. Hope you’re not too busy to do it again sometime soon.”

Huh? Who is this man, and what did you do with Tony?

I said: “Not at all. You’re usually the one with more time constraints than I. I was serious about you meeting my friend Hy so perhaps we can find an hour for a drink on Friday or Saturday afternoon? Also, I do want to hear what you wanted to write. As you know I have some decisions to make and while I’m not thinking you will tell me anything that changes what you can / cannot be available for at this point, I would like to have all the information available to me :)”

He said: “Having a drink Friday afternoon sounds amazing. Too early to confirm unfortunately, I may have another job coming up :). I will definitely write my piece for you. I hope it will explain me; but please don’t let me keep you from anything else.”

I told him I just wanted to hear what he had to say, but my decision was on my own timeline, and any decision about him was separate from decisions about anyone else. I know some of you don’t believe this, but it’s true. I knew I needed to decide about Fox based on his own merits, without influence of Tony coming back around. And vice versa.

I didn’t text him for 24 hours; and it was just to check in how his job was going. We had a brief text exchange.

I succumbed to flirting the next day; telling him I couldn’t get the thought of his mouth and hands out of my brain. Didn’t help that I was staring at a bruise on my forearm he left with his thumb.

The flirting continued and later, after I was plenty tipsy from too much wine at a work event, I invited him over that night. He agreed but then had to cancel but asked if he could come over the next morning. The next morning, he had to cancel as he got called into work. I was fine with it – I ended up having far too much work to spend a couple hours not working – but it surprised me that he would consider coming over yet again.

I picked up Hy from the airport and our fun weekend began.

Later that evening, Tony joined Hy and I at a fancy hotel bar – one of the things she said she’d like to do – and we laughed and chatted over drinks for an hour. Hy and I had already split two bottles of wine over the last several hours at my place and were on our third. Tony sat next to me and was wonderfully affectionate. He’d gone out of his way – literally – to come see us, and had to go back to a dinner later. But it felt like he was making an effort.

We flirted over the possibility of him coming by later; I knew Hy wouldn’t mind.

I realized I was maybe more than just testing the Tony ride, but I kinda liked it.

Welcome to the big top show; I know Josh has made popcorn, Taraka has wine, and Sharn has tequila.

~Next Post~

40 thoughts on “Is there such a thing as a ride tester? (The Tony ride, continued)

    • Not sure it’s a honeymoon phase if I dated this guy for almost six months earlier this year, is it?

      It may not be clear from this post but I am super keenly aware of all the things that may not happen with him. I’m being very cautious and reining in my heart as it tries to be all happy. So I guess I don’t consider it a honeymoon because I’m not sure I’m under any illusions.

      • Sure it can. You guys dated, broke up, got back together–that’s the honeymoon phase–when everything looks and feels great just when you two hook up yet again. Looks great now, but only time will tell.

        Plus tony seems like a way to get over Fox. So rebound in a way.

        • This is going to sound really callous perhaps, but I don’t need a rebound relationship to get over Fox. I miss some of the nice things he did for me, but after being somewhat unsure of him anyway, and then finding out what he did, I’m just done. I’m not grieving the way I would have otherwise.

          I think rebounds occur when I’m left feeling emotionally damaged and needy. Or maybe not having enough sex. That kind of thing. Sure, I’m exhausted, but the last thing I wanted was another romantic entanglement. I did reach out for some nice cathartic sex, however (not with Tony).

          If anything, the rebound was going to be just me, and some former lovers (not Shenanigans – Jason, and a couple others) who are drama-free, affectionate, and care about me. So this Tony thing wasn’t what I expected at all. It would have been good for him to wait a few weeks 😉

          And yes, I do hear you about the potential of having a honeymoon phase. Perhaps I am deliberately trying to not let myself get there, because I’m trying to minimize the risk to my heart getting hurt again.

          My next post refers to “walking the tightrope” and I may not explicitly say why I chose that analogy – but it’s what I’m saying. I’m enjoying him coming back. It’s fun to be with him. There are some things he’s said that give me hope. But if I run with that, I’ll fall off the tightrope. I need to find that balance between hope and being very very careful to not make the same mistake twice.

  1. The last man I was with… I got so turned on by the marks he would leave on me. I miss him. Play it cool like you are doing, and expect nothing from him except fun. He has to decide he want to be with you all on his own. I want this to happen for u ❤️

    • I know I’ve written this before, but it was made real again for me… just the way Tony moves I find such a turnon. The way he will slide his arm under me, when he’s on top of me. How he will bite out of passion and leave a mark…

      and then yup, all those things come flooding back when I see that little bruise.

  2. Like so many others, I am a huge fan of Tony personally, not so much of a few behaviors toward you. Mostly I just want you to have a steady who delights you, as Tony obviously does, and someone who seems to have your back while not imposing too much relationship angst or drama, as Fox did. My hope is that Tony has had a little time for reflection in your absence, and that it has indeed made the heart grow fonder … and more responsible in how he manages his time within the dating zone. Your wariness is justified, Ann. However, you seem to be finding the balance between enjoying the moments as they occur and letting them happen without putting forth too much effort. I know it’s hard, but kudos to you for letting your caution and protecting your hear guide your patience right now.

    • Thank you Janelle. I hope for things things as well. I do get excited to see him.. it’s fun. And easy. And yeah, if he can be more responsible in dating then it would be lovely.

      But I’m trying to chill out about it. With varying degrees of success depending on the day 🙂

  3. The late, great Luther Vandross did a song where the chorus begins, “I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else’s…” and ends with, “I’d rather have the one who holds my heart…”

    The song is named, “I’d Rather” and if you’ve never heard it, find it listen closely; your test ride reminds me of this song and this song never fails to bring me to tears.

  4. I must say… I agree with Hy. Maybe simply take the time to just be, without trying to force the pace. Enjoy what happens when it happens, and keep busy with your life when things don’t happen.
    I think there is more to this Tony story than went on the first time around. I can’t tell how long it lasts, no one ever really can. But… enjoy the ride, while it lasts, take from it all the lessons you can take. And just be 🙂
    XOXO (still horribly tired, so not sure I make sense…)

      • HAve got my kids, tons of writing to catch up to, and… see no real nap in the near future! 😉
        Hopefully I can finish one post soon, and will leave the next until tomorrow then 🙂
        Keep working on just chilling. 9 months in, I’m still working on it too, but with much more success I must say 🙂

  5. I know you know this, but this is for the romantic commenters who are all gooey eyed…


    – “we didn’t communicate the rest of the day or night.” [no comms from him after sexy times]
    – “he was roughly on time” [he was late]
    – “He texted me that afternoon” [you give him a big bunch of brownie points for this small thing…:/]
    – “I didn’t text him for 24 hours” [he didn’t text]
    – “I succumbed to flirting the next day” [he didn’t initiate this]
    – “He agreed but then had to cancel” [he cancelled]
    – “The next morning, he had to cancel” [he cancelled again]

    There’s no honeymoon period here, nothing has changed.

    If you can enjoy it for that it is, please do. I know you are working really hard on that, but the heart can justify anything if it gets fed a few crumbs. Please look after yourself with this.


      • Oh, don’t worry. Not everything feels wonderful… He’s come to realize a few things in the time we were apart, but that doesn’t necessarily translate into actual change of behavior.

    • Thanks Ferns… it’s neat to have the insight into the things you pick up on in my posts, and you are 100% right about those translations.

      I feel like I have my eyes wide open. Of course there’s what I WANT to believe is true, and then what I KNOW to be true. I can honestly say there are a few things that have shifted for him mentally, but I don’t think that’s going to translate into a change in behavior.

      So yes, I need to be guarded and I can say my tolerance for letting myself be hurt by him is pretty low.

  6. I strongly suggest you go back and read all of your posts expressing your frustration with Tony. Nothing will change…it’s too soon…but if all you want is good sex, we all know that’s what Tony provides…

    • It’s good advice Lisa, for sure. I am very keenly aware of the struggle with him, and seeing him a little bit brings it all back. There’s been a bit of a shift mentally on a few things but I’m not sure at all it will translate into different actions…which is what really matters.

  7. Oh I both love and loathe the Tony ride.

    I like Tony because of the connection you have with him. I think we have all had that kind of chemistry and connection at least once in our lives. We use it to rationalize our behavior. It’s fun to feel those feelings, those amazing butterflies, that ease, and that spark. And of course Tony feels it too and he wants those feelings back. I don’t think he wants to hurt you. I think he would like to be who you need but I don’t think he can long term.

    I also believe (and may be completely off base) that Tony’s reappearance in your life as things got harder with Fox did have some impact on your decision making with Fox. I think thoughts of Tony and comparisons were likely present and would always over shadow Fox. I’m not suggesting you should have worked it out with Fox. Not at all. I’m kind of off Team Fox. But I do think Fox was much easier to give up since Tony was back in the texting picture. Just my opinion though.

    Regardless of whether it’s a wise decision, you are going to take this ride with Tony, and I think you need to. You were never really done with him, you were always on his hook. This was bound to happen at some point. You will figure things out with him in time. It’s nice the small efforts he has put in so far to see you, he clearly has missed the connection as well, but as already pointed out, time will tell.

What do you think?