I'm chillin', but wonder if I'm crazy…is this different?

It’s been three weeks since Tony and I reconnected over dinner.

I chose to do a fair amount of mental processing before I decided to treat him as something other than a temporary physical distraction. It did help, even if it’s painful for some of you to watch it via my posts.

My resolution is to not over think things constantly. To focus on what I have other than Tony and any men on the periphery (which amounts solely to Jason and a couple others who text occasionally; it’s sex-club-only interests which I’m not acting on). And with Tony, to enjoy what I get from him – which is companionship and passion.

It’s taken me a few days but I’ve presently worked any anxiety out of my system.

Last weekend I had Liam. That Sunday I was taking him to visit a friend who owns horses. It was an amazing day and I was very present with my son and the experience.

Tony and I exchanged a few texts on the morning. They were warm and affectionate. I knew he was trying to get some work done and I wanted to not be texting constantly, so we signed off and agreed to talk later.

That afternoon, after I got home from dropping Liam to Will’s I sent Tony a text. I didn’t hear anything for four hours and felt myself descending into that all-familiar feeling.

I knew he was working and often keeps his phone on silent to help him focus. I knew the issue was no issue and I had to change my outlook. I had a number of things I could have done to keep busy but just sat on my couch, the scene of so many orgasms, and continue my “Breaking Bad” journey.

I spent time texting with a close friend who helps people work through their shit. She has a pretty good understanding of my relationship past and present with Tony, and she gave me some things to mentally chew on.

She pointed out Tony sees me at almost every opportunity, he makes it abundantly clear, in his way, that he cares. He says nice things and does nice things.

She called out my pattern of the worry and indecision then decision making and changing my mind later. She suggested I think about why I’m comfortable in this process and why it feels rewarding. But most importantly, whether I’m trying to protect myself by making him (or anyone, really) jump through hoops which I subsequently change.

I was reading blog comments from my post on earlier that day about how Tony seems to not be committed and just wants a “friends with benefits” situation and they were getting me down (and please, don’t think you can’t say things I might not like… but I do take comments to heart and consider what they say). I was wondering if I the sense I had that something had changed was misplaced.

Then he called. Out of the blue. He’d left his phone in his car all afternoon. We had a lovely late night chat before I went to sleep.

On Monday, we didn’t exchange any texts until I sent him something about my lunch (exciting, I know). I didn’t hear back.

I didn’t get plunged into any despair. I didn’t conclude he didn’t like me. I noticed I hadn’t heard back but I was in back-to-back meetings and it wasn’t an issue.

Then he called.

I was in a meeting but saw his face light up my phone. It made me smile.

When I called him back later we chatted about our plans for the night. I was having dinner with a girlfriend and he asked if he could come over later. Which he did. I greeted him dressed up in only satin heels, frilly lace vintage underwear, and this cherry printed apron:

cherry apron

Which may be worth a whole post in and of itself.

He slept over but had to leave early as usual to get his kid. He sent me a sweet thank you text.

Later that day he sent me a funny sign he saw about impressing a woman versus impressing a man, and told me he was thinking of me. I couldn’t respond for a few hours as I was out with girlfriends. I tried to call him later that night and while he didn’t answer, he texted me shortly after saying he was almost asleep and we would talk tomorrow.

Wednesday I called him when I was having lunch. We chatted for a bit and before I knew it, we’d made plans for me to come over to his place early that afternoon. I had no meetings and could take off early. Although he had to spend a couple hours in the evening away from his house to be with his kid, he said I could hang out there.

He actually said something along the lines of it was no issue at all for me to hang out in his place when he wasn’t there.

Who are you, and what have you done with Tony?

I told him left to my own devices in his apartment I might end up cleaning up and hanging the art that’s been sitting on his floor since he moved in. In the past he would tell me I’m not allowed in his (insanely messy) kitchen. This time he laughed and said I could do whatever I wanted. Although I may write a separate post about it, that’s exactly what I did. And I didn’t wear any underwear.


I’m relaxing about it. I am not stressing about hours of silence… in contrast, I’m taking my own time.

And while what I REALLY want to write about is how different this seems, I’m not going to. I don’t know if it’s productive for me to spend much energy comparing response times and contact strategies and sleep overs per week. Because if I say that this behavior = he likes me, then any change means he doesn’t. It also puts my feelings at the mercy of his actions.

I do not want to set him or me up for failure.

But what I can say, from the rooftops, is how different it feels. And it feels really. fucking. nice.


41 thoughts on “I'm chillin', but wonder if I'm crazy…is this different?

  1. I totally understand and share those self-doubts when text messages aren’t returned. What the hell is wrong with us? We are freakin amazing and hot and wonderful, yet we easily fall in the “he doesn’t want to see me anymore” mode just because of moments of silence.

    I fucking hate that about me, and you probably feel about the same. I constantly want to slap myself out of the self-deprecation and feelings of non-worthiness


  2. My two cents? You’re not crazy, this IS different.
    Because you’re not the same Ann you were before (having had the whole Fox intermission) and he isn’t the same Tony (having realized he doesn’t want anyone else).
    Enjoy what it is. I know sometimes waiting for days before getting an email would drive me nuts, I’d start to question everything I’d done or said or written. Did I go to far, did I do/say/write something wrong? Of course, if he wasn’t replying, it had to be my fault, right?
    I wrote many angry, scared posts, trying to talk some sense into myself, to take things as they came, trying not to force things through a pace they were not ready for, trying to reassure my heart that even if his silence meant he *did* decide to leave me (bear in mind that we had never even been ‘together’!), then it was on him, not me. And also that, no matter what, I would come out bigger from this relationship, having learnt things about myself.
    As happens now… I am glad I had some time to work around these insecure emotions. Because, with time, the emotional anxiety I used to experience is becoming lesser, and also happens less often.
    So I say: when you’re unsure of yourself, of him, or of your relationship, focus on the things you’ll have learnt from this relationship even if it were to stop tomorrow.
    Sending hugs!

    • Thanks Dawn!! You’re right. I’m progressing…maybe he is too.

      I don’t worry too much right now about his response times, but it’s mostly because he’s in touch regularly and when he’s been silent I know why. That was my ask of him and so far, it’s been good. I hope it continues that way.

      • Don’t doubt what you feel. Of course he is too.
        I know, I’m one to talk, considering the number of posts I write where I doubt what I feel from my own Tony 😉
        My experience with communication is: trust. Trust him, trust yourself that even when he isn’t communicating, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care or doesn’t think of you. My dancer has become a much more regular communicator lately. And his words are usually exactly what I need when I need them.
        So yes, when he’s silent… know it’s not that he is disinterested. He has proven that he IS totally interested. He has proven it in the way he has stepped up with his communication, and I’m sure with other things, and you can feel it in your gut.
        Trust your gut. 🙂
        Ok, need to get on with my day. Sending love!

  3. In reading this post, (of course) Bobby comes to mind….I struggled a long time (as did he) if we loved one another…and his actions were much louder than his words. I see Tony as being the same. Many times when Bobby would write something it sounded a little flat, or he would disappear into a day only to pop up on my phone later feeling perfectly happy that he had a busy and productive day…it took me so long not to read into what he wasn’t doing as a problem and just come to understand he had his own style and he was consistent.
    So, as long as Tony remains consistent with communication, you may just need to adjust to his style. I don’t see that as a bad thing and I do see improvement rather than someone who just wants FWB. He absolutely seems to have realized what he was missing with a little time apart and is making an effort. I say, just be patient.

    I wish I could listen to my own advice.

    • Oh, I would say you’re far TOO patient lol.

      Yes, consistency is key. If I understand his rhythm of communication and his routine, it’s much different. It’s the contact then silence that’s troublesome.

      But so far, I’ve been aware of when he’s going to be silent – and it’s never been for long.

  4. Yay! Happy!

    That is it’s nice to see you riding the waves instead of getting anxious about getting dumped.

    I think your outlook has changed too. And maybe he has changed. But these things… You never know until you go with it.

    So for now I’m cheering for you 🙂

    S x

  5. I’d be lying if I said I did not get anxious when my main lover doesn’t message me in a timely matter. I hate the self doubt and like you I am kicking it to the curb!!! Ann… enjoy this!!! Enjoy him!!! Enjoy that it is changing in many wonderfuls way between you two. But don’t forget to breathe…. XOXO!

    • How are you kicking it to the curb?

      It’s not a great feeling for sure. Tony has so far come through every time. I’m trying to temper my feelings but reminding myself it could change when he gets busy with work or something else comes up.

      But I am enjoying it!

      • Well i remind myself that he’s busy working, and that we have a solid friendship no matter what. And I sometimes have to snap myself out of it by putting on a great song to sing and dance to too! That helps! Oh and I might re read his messages to me to reassure myself (again) that yes we are on the same page.

  6. This sounds so similar to the start of my relationship, and we’ve been together almost 7 years now! I’m definitely someone who gets really worried about not being texted back right away, but I’m also so terrible at texting back people! Good luck with the relationship, sounds like you’re in a great place atm!

  7. I can finally “like” a post about you and Tony!!! (lol) I like your thoughts, feelings, and your ability to let the “little” things go…you have grown in many ways and it’s nice to see you are taking in the advice you have gained from others…who knows what will happen, but I see this as a GIANT step for you and I am happy for you =)

    • Thank you so very much, Lisa. I appreciate your comments and support so much. I do feel like I’ve made progress – some of it is me, and it helps when Tony is being responsive right now.

  8. I agree with the others that you have changed. You are relaxing into whatever direction this relationship is headed. Just stay the course. Live your life, make plans regardless of him and you become more attractive to him — if you come off clingy or needy, I think it spooks him. Congrats!

    • Definitely spooks him. I know he didn’t like feeling before like he was always letting me down. He doesn’t like pressure or expectations, that’s for sure. And I for sure don’t want to be waiting around for him. So yes, moving my own life forward is key to that!!

What do you think?