I chose to do a fair amount of mental processing before I decided to treat him as something other than a temporary physical distraction. It did help, even if it’s painful for some of you to watch it via my posts.
My resolution is to not over think things constantly. To focus on what I have other than Tony and any men on the periphery (which amounts solely to Jason and a couple others who text occasionally; it’s sex-club-only interests which I’m not acting on). And with Tony, to enjoy what I get from him – which is companionship and passion.
It’s taken me a few days but I’ve presently worked any anxiety out of my system.
Last weekend I had Liam. That Sunday I was taking him to visit a friend who owns horses. It was an amazing day and I was very present with my son and the experience.
Tony and I exchanged a few texts on the morning. They were warm and affectionate. I knew he was trying to get some work done and I wanted to not be texting constantly, so we signed off and agreed to talk later.
That afternoon, after I got home from dropping Liam to Will’s I sent Tony a text. I didn’t hear anything for four hours and felt myself descending into that all-familiar feeling.
I knew he was working and often keeps his phone on silent to help him focus. I knew the issue was no issue and I had to change my outlook. I had a number of things I could have done to keep busy but just sat on my couch, the scene of so many orgasms, and continue my “Breaking Bad” journey.
I spent time texting with a close friend who helps people work through their shit. She has a pretty good understanding of my relationship past and present with Tony, and she gave me some things to mentally chew on.
She pointed out Tony sees me at almost every opportunity, he makes it abundantly clear, in his way, that he cares. He says nice things and does nice things.
She called out my pattern of the worry and indecision then decision making and changing my mind later. She suggested I think about why I’m comfortable in this process and why it feels rewarding. But most importantly, whether I’m trying to protect myself by making him (or anyone, really) jump through hoops which I subsequently change.
I was reading blog comments from my post on earlier that day about how Tony seems to not be committed and just wants a “friends with benefits” situation and they were getting me down (and please, don’t think you can’t say things I might not like… but I do take comments to heart and consider what they say). I was wondering if I the sense I had that something had changed was misplaced.
Then he called. Out of the blue. He’d left his phone in his car all afternoon. We had a lovely late night chat before I went to sleep.
On Monday, we didn’t exchange any texts until I sent him something about my lunch (exciting, I know). I didn’t hear back.
I didn’t get plunged into any despair. I didn’t conclude he didn’t like me. I noticed I hadn’t heard back but I was in back-to-back meetings and it wasn’t an issue.
Then he called.
I was in a meeting but saw his face light up my phone. It made me smile.
When I called him back later we chatted about our plans for the night. I was having dinner with a girlfriend and he asked if he could come over later. Which he did. I greeted him dressed up in only satin heels, frilly lace vintage underwear, and this cherry printed apron:
Which may be worth a whole post in and of itself.
He slept over but had to leave early as usual to get his kid. He sent me a sweet thank you text.
Later that day he sent me a funny sign he saw about impressing a woman versus impressing a man, and told me he was thinking of me. I couldn’t respond for a few hours as I was out with girlfriends. I tried to call him later that night and while he didn’t answer, he texted me shortly after saying he was almost asleep and we would talk tomorrow.
Wednesday I called him when I was having lunch. We chatted for a bit and before I knew it, we’d made plans for me to come over to his place early that afternoon. I had no meetings and could take off early. Although he had to spend a couple hours in the evening away from his house to be with his kid, he said I could hang out there.
He actually said something along the lines of it was no issue at all for me to hang out in his place when he wasn’t there.
Who are you, and what have you done with Tony?
I told him left to my own devices in his apartment I might end up cleaning up and hanging the art that’s been sitting on his floor since he moved in. In the past he would tell me I’m not allowed in his (insanely messy) kitchen. This time he laughed and said I could do whatever I wanted. Although I may write a separate post about it, that’s exactly what I did. And I didn’t wear any underwear.
I’m relaxing about it. I am not stressing about hours of silence… in contrast, I’m taking my own time.
And while what I REALLY want to write about is how different this seems, I’m not going to. I don’t know if it’s productive for me to spend much energy comparing response times and contact strategies and sleep overs per week. Because if I say that this behavior = he likes me, then any change means he doesn’t. It also puts my feelings at the mercy of his actions.
I do not want to set him or me up for failure.
But what I can say, from the rooftops, is how different it feels. And it feels really. fucking. nice.