Things are really good with him. I feel way more pleasure than pain. I know part of this is me adjusting my mindset, and part of this is him being more available. Regardless of the cause, it feels good.
Yesterday he proactively asked me to come over in the afternoon, after I dropped a visiting girlfriend at the airport. He hadn’t been able to see me all weekend. We had a few hours together before I had to be home for Liam.
We had a marathon sex session on his couch, American football playing on his mammoth television; a sexual fantasy come true. While I rode him, he told me he wanted to go somewhere warm with me, where we could have loads of sex. He wants to see his cum all over me.
Later, I told him there was no reason we couldn’t do that; I am off work at the end of December and child-free for a week. And while he’s not the best planner, he was serious about going away together.
Which totally threw me for a loop. In a good way.
But I am constantly reminding myself to just take this one day at a time and not want any more than what he’s giving me. However, doing that is a mental counterbalance to being giddy with the excitement of someone enjoying me like this and wanting to spend more time with me. A vacation?! Isn’t that what real couples do?
And that’s where Hy comes in. She chastised me for not being able to fully enjoy this. I confess to waiting for the day he disappears, the way he used to – emotionally or physically. It’s the only way I know how to get my head into the place where I just enjoy the moments.
Desire is the source of disappointment. I’m working on not desiring more than I have – and right now, I have a lot. But here’s what I fear: fully enjoying it means fully believing his intentions will be acted upon. Fully believing he’s on the same path as me, even if he’s behind me. But if I believe those things, how do I keep my emotions and desires in check?
Even as I write this I recognize I’m not as conflicted as it would seem. I am able to enjoy it and I recognize there is lots to enjoy. I’ve come to terms with who he is and the things that drive his behavior – it’s often not about me.
I know I don’t need to pick this apart and come to a perfect solution. I’m not changing my behavior and his has been great. I am working on being positive about what is happening and optimistic it will continue as it has.
I’m also trying to protect my heart – and perhaps that’s the biggest mistake of all…