How do I get excited but not ahead of myself?

My wise friend Hy and I were chatting recently about Tony and with just a few texts, she left me pondering how I can best move forward with him the way I desire.

Things are really good with him. I feel way more pleasure than pain. I know part of this is me adjusting my mindset, and part of this is him being more available. Regardless of the cause, it feels good.

Yesterday he proactively asked me to come over in the afternoon, after I dropped a visiting girlfriend at the airport. He hadn’t been able to see me all weekend. We had a few hours together before I had to be home for Liam.

We had a marathon sex session on his couch, American football playing on his mammoth television; a sexual fantasy come true. While I rode him, he told me he wanted to go somewhere warm with me, where we could have loads of sex. He wants to see his cum all over me. 

Later, I told him there was no reason we couldn’t do that; I am off work at the end of December and child-free for a week. And while he’s not the best planner, he was serious about going away together.

Which totally threw me for a loop. In a good way.

But I am constantly reminding myself to just take this one day at a time and not want any more than what he’s giving me. However, doing that is a mental counterbalance to being giddy with the excitement of someone enjoying me like this and wanting to spend more time with me. A vacation?! Isn’t that what real couples do?

And that’s where Hy comes in. She chastised me for not being able to fully enjoy this. I confess to waiting for the day he disappears, the way he used to – emotionally or physically. It’s the only way I know how to get my head into the place where I just enjoy the moments.

Desire is the source of disappointment. I’m working on not desiring more than I have – and right now, I have a lot. But here’s what I fear: fully enjoying it means fully believing his intentions will be acted upon. Fully believing he’s on the same path as me, even if he’s behind me. But if I believe those things, how do I keep my emotions and desires in check?

Even as I write this I recognize I’m not as conflicted as it would seem. I am able to enjoy it and I recognize there is lots to enjoy. I’ve come to terms with who he is and the things that drive his behavior – it’s often not about me.

I know I don’t need to pick this apart and come to a perfect solution. I’m not changing my behavior and his has been great. I am working on being positive about what is happening and optimistic it will continue as it has.

I’m also trying to protect my heart – and perhaps that’s the biggest mistake of all…

40 thoughts on “How do I get excited but not ahead of myself?

        • I don’t think I understand your point… can you clarify?

          I do not like being vulnerable in a relationship. I am uncomfortable putting myself in a place where my heart can be bruised or broken. I remain closed off at times and don’t like being dependent or being taken care of. I think much of this is protectionism… and I don’t know how healthy it is, either.

      • I get what you mean Ann. I’m doing much the same thing with my main Lover. We spoke last night of he and I going to the swingers club as he has a desire to fuck me in front of an audience. We are in it for the adventure, and it’s a pure wonderful lust for each other. Going to be seeing him again tonight! πŸ™‚ I could love this man, and a part of me does, but his disappearing act last spring to get his head together because he said if he kept seeing me he might not leave…. scares me that he might do this again. He’s planning on leaving for a long motorcycle trip next spring, and when I asked him if he’s coming back to our state his response was Not if I can help it. What am I going to do? I’m enjoying the ride with him now since we rekindled our intense lust filled sexual relationship. We did stay in almost daily touch when he decided to take a break, so the friendship is very solid. It’s going to be so damn hard on me when he leaves on his trip. But that’s months away….Sorry for my own rant Ann, it’s just that I can identify with what you are feeling… I truly wish the best for you and Tony…. And I do hope that you two will be basking in a nice warm place the end of December.

        • But I have to add this… I am a strong enough woman to handle him going away. But the thought of never seeing him again is something I can’t handle and don’t want. He knows that I would still be here for him if/when he gets this wanderlust out of his system. I could be his GF, AND let go and would want him to go on his journey. It’s something he wants and needs to do. But dammit… I’m going to miss him so much!!

  1. I think sometimes, you’ve got to throw caution to the wind and just go for it. I’m ending a 21 days meditation series on ‘Belief becomes reality’, basically. So if you believe he won’t do it, then the chances he won’t are higher. If you focus on the outcome you’d like (going on vacay with him), even without getting ahead of yourself, then this has a higher chance of happening. If you don’t sound enthusiastic, he may well decide that this is too complicated for him to make it work and you don’t really want it so, why bother.
    Whereas if he can see that you really are looking forward to it (and keep in mind that your vision doesn’t necessarily have a time stamp on it, it doesn’t have to be *that* particular time), then he may give more thought and/or energy into making it happen.
    I say this like it’s easy… I would have loved going on holiday with my Dancer. It’ll be the third time he goes away without me since I know him. Though, granted, it’s different as in, we don’t have the same sort of relationship that you have with Tony. We probably would need to sleep with one another first before imagining something like that. Even though I’d have loved to go with him, I certainly won’t push for it, because I know he needs some me time, needs to be away from people to simply be. Or go on adventures. And if that’s who he is, then I’ll accept it. He knows it’s not who I am. That I need to be with someone when I go away. Not because I can’t handle adventure on my own, but because I like to share my experience. We’re just different. And it’s OK. One day, maybe, we’ll get there, I’ll get that πŸ™‚
    So, back to you: be thrilled that he’s even considering it. Go ahead, be thrilled! And if it happens this time, great, if you have to wait a little bit more, fine. Just know he’s considering it, and that’s worth being excited about πŸ™‚

      • Ha! Considering how highly I think of your mom, and the support she’s giving you, I feel honoured in a way πŸ˜‰

        And I’m glad to know you’re working on it. Reminds me to keep on trying today, because I sure need to envision the best in my proceedings with the ex :-/
        Ha! Another sort of trial placed on my way. Not that the dating thing is smooth sailings πŸ˜‰
        Sigh! Wish me luck πŸ™‚

        • Well even in the worst dating situation, I still know I’d never prefer to still be married.

          I do hope for your sake that your divorce can get settled soon. It’s not a great thing to have over your head.

          • Oh, I know that for sure, he’s made sure I could never regret my decision to leave him!
            I don’t hope as much for rapidity as I hope for fairness and an ability to live a good life afterwards. I don’t especially like having this over my head, but I’d rather take the time needed to make sure I’m not cheated out of a normal, independent life. πŸ™‚

  2. While I’ve been a voice of caution with Tony, I will present the other side of it, given that you want to be with him and he wants to be with you, to the extent that he is capable.

    I think the thing to remember is that every day of life two people choose to be with each other or not. Declarations and intentions of commitment don’t guarantee anything–you learned that first hand with your marriage that ended, with Fox, and so on. Ultimately, nothing is guaranteed or promised in love or in life–hearts and minds can change, and ultimately all that any of us really has is this moment (as Michael Hutchence presciently told us).

    So all you can do is be in this moment with Tony–enjoy it for all it’s worth, because in the end that’s all there ever really is–the here and now. And if at a certain point Tony isn’t able or willing to give you what you need then you’ll deal with it at that point.

    • Josh, that’s an excellent point. One never knows where something is going! Best to simply be present in the moments and enjoy what I have. And to your point, if / when something changes, deal with it then.

      Thank you πŸ™‚

  3. N oone can blame you for protecting yourself, Ann.
    Just adopt a pace that feels right and stick to it.
    You’ll open up fully (stop snickering), when you’re ready.

    • I’m working at it!!

      I am wired to plan things and fix things. I’ve always been that way, since I was little, and it’s now also my job. It’s completely in my nature to identify what “A to B” is, plan how to get there, and execute that plan.

      So it’s very different for me to just take it one day at a time and not try to manage it. But, so far it’s working!!

  4. Who really knows what tomorrow will bring for any of us, even those of us in committed relationships only really have the right now. I have had to work hard to spoil things by thinking about tomorrow too much. Sometimes you just have to enjoy something for enjoyment sake and fuck tomorrow…. and hopefully tomorrow also brings more fucking πŸ˜‰


    • That’s very true, Molly. As I said in an earlier comment, I’m hard wired to identify a goal, plan how to get there, and execute that plan. Planner and fixer, as it were. So it’s against the grain for me to just let things be and not know what’s going to happen… it feels odd but it’s also somewhat liberating!!

      And yes, there’s always the fucking. If I get fucked silly on a regular basis it’s easier for me to not plan…because my brain doesn’t work as well πŸ™‚

  5. Stay the course. You are self confident, able to handle the ups and downs of a relationship. Take the vacation, enjoy the get away and relish what may happen. When you return your strength will keep you on track.

    • The vacation is a funny one for me because I’m always the planner and social convener. I’m practicing not peppering him with questions this week about going away, since he’s busy with a job. But I will gently ask at some point whether he was serious and if he’d like to try to make that happen… I guess said another way, I want to seek permission to plan it, but I also don’t want to pressure him.

      Regardless, I’m making plans with friends which will keep me busy and not regretting it if we don’t manage to get away πŸ™‚

    • Well, you know that’s not the easiest thing for me to do. But so far I’ve been fine… I’ve been able to stick to this mindset for a few weeks and I know practicing will make it a habit.

      I feel pretty good about my progress right now!

      • Yes, I do know that… which is why I said what I said. Sometimes, my dearest Ann, you make things harder for yourself than you have to so, at least in my opinion, the more you make it easy on yourself, the less stressful things are.

        It’s okay to have “relationship agendas” but, my friend, you still have to live in the moment and do your level best to enjoy those moments – you just gotta make the best out of every situation, right?

What do you think?