Getting back on the Tony ride | When the show comes to my town.

Thank you for your patience while I dealt with the end of Fox and was sidetracked briefly by Shenanigans.

Back to Tony, figuratively and for the moment, kinda literally.

A few weeks ago, on the day I was set to leave on my vacation, I received a text message out of the blue from Tony. It was a picture from a local sporting event and a reference to a page number from a newspaper. No “Hey Ann”. Just the pic and the page number.

My immediate thought was – well that’s awkward; must be a mistake. I texted Hy and she sagely commented that after over two months, I wasn’t going to be high up on his text history. She said with certainty it was no mistake.

So I just said “hey Tony…was that text meant for me?”

He confirmed yes; he was at the game and in the picture in the newspaper. He knows I’m a huge fan so wanted to share. He said:

“I splurged on great seats before they got expensive. You almost got the call πŸ™‚ but took my brother; needed to patch things up.”

My heart immediately started beating faster. The thought of him reaching out to invite me somewhere; the thought of him. And simultaneously I realized it was the same story – he intendedΒ to do it, but didn’t follow through.

We had a very innocuous chat about the game. I remember (ironic now, given I later found out Fox read my blog) thinking I wanted to be completely above board in my responses to him. I actually said to myself “Ann, respond as if Fox would read every word”. I knew Fox wouldn’t like that I was responding at all, but I was.

Tony said he hoped I was well. He’d remembered my general trip dates and asked if I’d returned. I said no, I was just about to leave. He then said:

“I want to hear the stories. I miss my Ann updates, even if they make me sad :(“

At this point, I reached out to Hy again, asking her what the hell I was supposed to do. Her advice, which I followed, was to say nothing in return. He hadn’t actually asked me out and wasn’t moving the conversation forward.

So I didn’t respond. I went on my vacation, and didn’t think much of it. I figured it was just one of those things and I wouldn’t hear from him again for a while. I was okay with that.

But I was wrong.

After I returned, he texted me to tell me he bet big on his team, knowing I was where they were. He believes I’m lucky; they won.

Then he said:

“On another note, I will be finishing that job today (hopefully). If you are ok with it – I would like to celebrate with the promised bottle of champagne and a snack. But let me finish it first.”Β 

Shit.

I didn’t respond. The night I told him I couldn’t see him anymore, he said he would still call me when he finished a job that was taking him forever to wrap. Β I knew there was NO WAY I could meet him when I was in a relationship. I didn’t want to do that to myself, or to Fox. I told myself yet again, nothing had changed. I needed to try with Fox.

He texted again and we did have a back and forth about the jobs, and I was very careful to be neutral. Until I opened a flirting door inadvertently when he said he would have loved to play rugby and I responded it was a rather hard core game.

He responded “I’m not that soft :)”

And while I had a pavlovian response and my breathing increased just at the thought, I managed to keep things light and neutral.

We signed off and I didn’t hear from him the next day or night; which happened to be that fateful night where Fox went off the rails and decided we were over. I had received Fox’s late night missive telling me I needed to think about whether it was him I wanted.

The next morning, having received yet another lengthy text from Fox asking to book the time that we would talk about our relationship, I was rather frustrated.

I was leaving to get a hair cut. And while I’m loathe to admit it, I texted Tony. I said “I assume you’re still not finished the job; hope it’s progressing well.”

We continued an innocuous conversation. He told me about some of the progress he’d made on mundane tasks like getting his TV fixed. And the whole time, I was struggling with figuring out why he wanted to see me. Why he’d reached out. So I just asked.

He said he enjoyed my company. He never wanted to stop seeing me, but he “guessed” he wasn’t able to provide what I needed, but it never stopped him from want to just talk to me or have a dinner and listen.

And I told him the truth in return:

“I understand that. My feelings for you haven’t diminished. I’ve been in a relationship for a bit, but it’s not going well at the moment. On the surface he’s been wonderful to me, but what’s missing is what you and I had. I always said to you I knew it was near impossible to find and its proving to again be true for me. But it is hard for me to talk to you and see you when my feelings aren’t reciprocated.”

I know I should probably haven’t mentioned the part about what was missing with Fox. It was a weak moment.

Tony said he was sorry and he wasn’t trying to make anything difficult or sad for me. I told him he didn’t need to apologize and I knew he wasn’t trying to hurt me. Then he said:

“I’m a bit of a hermit. In moments of joy or celebration I tend to reach out to those I like. I get it – I’ve felt that way before. I’d love to be a friend and confidant, but understand that doesn’t work. I’d love to reciprocate your feelings. They are there; just the timing is wrong.”

It was the first time he’d told me he had the same feelings. But no matter. I told him I’d love to believe the timing would some day be right, but that hope was a dangerous thing. I told him I couldn’t see him while I was in the relationship with Fox.

I told him I would get in touch if I ever thought I could meet him and not go down that rabbit hole. He said he hoped I would call sooner than later but he understood. I had said goodbye to Tony once again, and he knew not to reach out.

That was 12:25pm.

At 12:26pm, my Mom walked in my front door to talk about Fox.

At the same time, I got the breakup text from Fox, referencing my blog.

In shock, I texted Tony: “Ummm… the timing is insane of this but I was just dumped by text.”

~Next Post~

31 thoughts on “Getting back on the Tony ride | When the show comes to my town.

  1. >My feelings for you haven’t diminished.

    Even if Fox hadn’t screwed things up, I think the above sentiment guaranteed he wasn’t fated to be anything more than a rebound, as much as you may have wished for it to be more than that.

    Ultimately, as long as you are still in love with an ex, I believe it’s going to hinder your ability to grow and sustain any new serious relationship, as you can’t use a new relationship to get over an old one except as a rebound.

    The only cure is real time and space–the type you never truly gave yourself from Tony. Of course, all this is moot for the moment if you are in fact still back on the Tony ride, in which case I’ll make the popcorn. πŸ˜‰

    • I prefer my popcorn with butter and salt. Settle in and enjoy the show πŸ™‚

      I know in retrospect my perspective may change. But at the moment, I don’t know that much is going to change with regard to how I feel about Tony. I did much of my healing in the couple of months before I met Fox; and when I was away the beginning of August I was able to finally let go.

      While I could certainly move on from him, it doesn’t mean that the feelings aren’t there. Even my Mom says she still has the same emotions for her Tony, and that was 30 years ago.

      But I can see that if the person is anywhere in the concentric circles of your life, then that pull could always be there to bring them back into the centre.

      Perhaps I’m always screwed, then.

      • Well, I would disagree with the assertion that you got the space and time you needed to truly move forward, given that you were still seeing/sleeping with Tony at the beginning of your relationship with Fox. The fact that you are still in love with Tony even now is proof that you have not been able to truly move on.

        I also disagree with the premise that past is prologue, vis a vis the example of your mom and her “Tony”. Just because that was her journey or experience, doesn’t mean you are fated to repeat the same outcome. The ability for you to have access to and meet a much wider pool of potential partners thanks to technology is far different from back in your mom’s day. Therefore, just from a numbers and odds perspective, you have much greater chances of meeting another Tony than your mom did back in the day. Hell, you met your first Tony thanks to the internet, so there you go. On a planet of 7 billion people, the idea that you couldn’t meet another person with whom you have the same chemistry is bunk. But you have to truly be open to and ready for it to happen.

        But if you do keep your current Tony in the circles of your life despite wanting to find a relationship with someone else, then yeah, you are indeed screwed.

        In any case, the butter and salt is ready. πŸ˜‰

  2. “’I’d love to be a friend and confidant, but understand that doesn’t work. I’d love to reciprocate your feelings. They are there; just the timing is wrong.”

    The entire first sentence seems to be consistent with his actions all along. He has been a friend, albeit with benefits, but those were negotiated terms. You knew what you were getting and accepted them until you didn’t. I don’t know what the second sentence means in light of the first. If someone would love to feel something but the timing is wrong then it seems to say they think they should feel something but don’t. Maybe it’s the timing. It feels to me like he’s saying to you what you’ve been saying to Fox, except there seems to be more of a foundation for friendship. I don’t think continuing with the benefits will change that. I don’t think time would’ve changed it for Fox either. There was just something missing. I could be wrong, but in all my years I’ve never seen a man display excellence in staying away from something he really wants. So the ball is in your court, enjoy it for what it is but stop playing trick or treat with your heart.

    • Well, for me, the first sentence was a reaction to my telling him I couldn’t see him when I was in a relationship. He was saying that he’d love to “just” be friends, even if it couldn’t be more. He was saying it couldn’t work because I told him it couldn’t. There was no way we could go from what we had to just being friends. I know I would be far too tempted by him and did not want to put myself into a position where I cheated on Fox.

      With regard to his second statement – it was consistent with much of what he and I had talked about before; that he cared for me very deeply but being new out of his marriage and wanting to explore, he struggled with the thought of committing to me. I’m familiar with that feeling, having gone through it myself.

      I have always believed to my core that he feels very strongly about me. Maybe even loves me. But if he’s not ready for that, then there’s nothing I can do. And if he can only give me X and I want X+Y, then I can accept it or not.

  3. With Tony – what you see is what you get. Has there ever really been a question about who he is and how he operates? I’m honestly asking, because I feel like he is who he is and he’s never made any secret or game about it. I say enjoy the ride – because, as Cheri said, she’s never seen excellence in a man at staying away from something he really wants (which by that definition means Tony really does want you) – and I think the same holds true for women too. Josh is on point as well. As long as there’s even the tiniest bit of fire left in that torch, it’s hard to move on in a real way. Enjoy the ride. We’ve got popcorn – I’ll bring the wine. Who’s got the cheese?

    • You are right; he’s generally been exactly what he says he is. Although way back when, he did agree to be exclusive but then had a hard time with it, and he didn’t bring it up.

      I do think he wants me, but I’m just not sure he can really be there for me. At least prior experience last April told me that. I can get my head around someone who needs space, because I need it too… but if I need them, then I want them to be there for me. I’m not sure he can do that.

      Sharn has tequila so I think we are set πŸ™‚

  4. “He intended to do it, but didn’t follow through.” But… He thought of YOU Ann!!! That’s rather telling… He loves you and you are important to him. Maybe he held off from asking you because he thought you would not accept. And also it is great that he is working on patching things up with his brother. But what do I know… I always wish you the best Ann.

What do you think?