Back on the Tony ride; trying to walk the tightrope

And yes, I know I’m mixing my ride and show metaphors. But just work with me, k?

~Previous Post~

During the chaos of being sick and Hy & Shenanigans, all I really wanted was for Tony to come over. He was already at home in bed when I finally managed to get my phone from my kitchen, walking by naked couch sex in progress. But he said he’d come over early. I woke up at 5am and unlocked my door, then sent him a text telling him it was open.

It wasn’t until a few hours later that he texted to ask if I was up; I told him I was, but felt like death, and he said he’d bring lattes. I asked him to get four since Hy’s dude was still around. I wasn’t about to tell Tony that Hy’s guy was actually my guy. No need.

After their awkward greeting (which I heard about but did not witness), Tony came up to my bedroom to say hello. He lay down beside me, handed me my coffee, and I put my head on his chest. He was wearing his shirt inside out.

Shortly after, Hy came up and the three of us shared my bed and chatted like old friends. Her at the foot and me and Tony cuddling at the top. We joked about Shenanigans wanting a threesome with us, and she regaled us with sex stories of threesomes, what can go wrong, and fun sex stories in general. She asked Tony if he’d ever had one and he said no but he would have been pretty pissed had Shenanigans been the one to get one with us, given Tony had drinks with us first and therefore thought he had “dibs” on any threesomes being handed out.

Tony was very affectionate with me in front of Hy. He would casually grab a boob or nuzzle my neck. Hy asked me where I got a bruise on my bicep and blushing (under the wan hungover look) I told her it was from him, last week. He told us all the sex talk was making him crazy horny, and he got under the covers with me. His hands started to roam and shortly afterwards, Hy made a graceful exit to get more coffee and wait for pizza.

Turns out, sex is a good hangover cure. He was all over me and at one point, I looked up at him and despite all rationalization to the contrary, I swore I could see in his eyes that he was in love with me (it wasn’t the first time). Later, I told him I needed to hear what he had to tell me. I said it was so easy to slip back into things with him, and if I was going to make a mistake, at least I’d want to do it with full knowledge.

We went downstairs to join Hy for pizza – I finally felt like I could try to put something back into my stomach – and we three hung out on the couch, watching soccer. Hy and I joked about where Shenanigans’ bare ass had been hours before, and Tony retorted it wasn’t the first time a naked ass had been on that couch. It was great to have two people I adore so comfortable with each other.

Hy educated him on Instagram and boob pics, being careful to not disclose too much. Tony commented he was in heaven, having pizza, boobs, sex, and soccer. We cuddled on the couch even after Hy took a nap. He took off his shirt and I spent some time objectifying him with my hands. He said sexy and romantic things to me. Determined to watch the end of the soccer game, we teased each other until it was over then practically ran up the stairs for another round.

I was still massively hung over, but far better than when I first woke up. Tony left in the mid afternoon and Hy and I managed to get our shit together to have a couple of my girlfriends over that evening.

::

Even though I’d seen Tony twice already over the weekend, he said perhaps he could come by Sunday night after Liam went to bed. I was surprised, frankly. He’d never before been so giving with his time.

On Sunday, Tony went on a short trip to watch a big sports game and had a spectacularly bad day. He sent me a picture of his face, injured from being the recipient of someone’s anger, and said he needed to just be at home. I was fine to not have him come over as I needed to write.

He did call me before bed and we had a brief conversation.

Monday and Tuesday we bantered and flirted off-and-on via text. Each time I felt I was driving too hard and starting to wonder why he wasn’t responding, I backed off. Put the phone down. I was constantly telling myself to just chill. I reminded myself that as before, he’d always respond…sometimes it just took some time. But I didn’t want to be the one always moving things forward.

I thought about whether I can do what Hy suggested; just accept what he can give me (or not). Enjoy it for what it is, understand what it isn’t. Manage my expectations. If it’s good, then let it be. If I don’t like it, walk away.

Walking away wasn’t something I particularly wanted to do, but I had no interest in going back to that constant state of yearning and wanting more. Of being disappointed and hurt. No fucking way. So while I was reveling in how much fun it was to hang out with him on the weekend, I hadn’t fully gotten on the Tony ride.

With my giving the theater tickets back to Fox, I now had my Friday night free. I wanted to spend it with Tony. On Tuesday around noon, I asked him if he wanted to go out on Friday night. Maybe see the new Bond movie. Eat popcorn. Maybe objectify each other a little bit. He said okay; it sounded like fun.

I resolved myself to then back off from the communication. I was physically and mentally exhausted from the shit with Fox and my weekend with Hy, and I didn’t want to get all intense again about anything. I’d been texting with Jason and arranging a dinner with him. My old boyfriend, #14, and I had been chatting all along about his sexual exploration, so once he knew I was single again he made sure I knew he’d be pleased to have a threesome or moresome with him and his current lover.

Much to my surprise, my phone rang that night. It was Tony. We hadn’t been texting and I hadn’t asked to talk to him. He just called. We chatted for a little over an hour; I happened to mention I wasn’t working the next day; I had to take my car into the shop for a long appointment, about a 45 minute drive from my house.

He expressed interest in seeing me, so we made plans that he would meet me there and we’d hang out while my car was being worked on.

I always remind myself to listen to my gut, but when my gut told me something was different and he was making an effort (out of his way to meet Hy! coming over with coffee! calling me out of the blue! and then shuttling me around for an appointment!), I shushed it and said – nope, Ann, that’s you just getting your hopes up. Nothing has changed.

But something was different the next day.

38 thoughts on “Back on the Tony ride; trying to walk the tightrope

  1. I love this story. I feel like eventually it’s going to be a full blown romance. I know you don’t want to get your hopes too high, and you absolutely shouldn’t, but my hopes are getting higher for this relationship this time. I love hearing about what a wonderful time you have when you are together. Can’t wait to hear what happens.

  2. I love that you saw love in his eyes, and that you are trying to shush your mind and just enjoy what happens. I’m hoping you can find the ride more pleasant that way.
    What I mean is: if you decide you want him, you have to accept all of him. Including the fact that, maybe, he won’t text as often as you’d like.
    I need to go. I feel a bit run down today. Too much hurt going on in the world.
    It was a nice change to read your story of love. 🙂

  3. um. I have always been pulling for you and Tony. I believe my words of wisdom to you included “patience”. I know how hard it can be, but the Tony ride wouldn’t exist if he weren’t interested. I think there are a lot of men who freak themselves out when the thought of becoming committed to a relationship, for whatever reason, it just scares the shit out of them. I think maybe Tony might be part of this population.

    Sorry, still trying to catch up…..

    Hang in there my friend, Good things are in store for you dear Ann…

    • Thank you Julie. He did tell me a long time ago that he doesn’t see it as just deciding to start a relationship – he believes its a decision for life. Which is of course terrifying, given how his last relationship (which lasted a very long time) ended up.

      I’m not that good with patience but I’m going to try.

      • Best we can do sweetie!

        Either way I do hope it works as you want. I’m just scared that he’s having another go to keep you interested but 2 months wouldn’t have given him time to change.

        So in that way I just hope you keep your heart intact. At least I hope he’s changed and my hand wringing is just that.

        <3

        • Sharn – I don’t think he has actually changed, other than he’s starting to get some of his work shit together. I do, however, believe that he’s realized two of the three things I told him were conditions of us staying together. He had to realize I was awesome, that what we have together is pretty rare. The third, which he’s working on, is getting his divorce settled.

          And having realized those things, my gut tells me that he’s opened up a little bit… especially given the conversation we had about sex.

          I could be projecting. But I don’t think so.

          • I hope for your sake that’s what it is love.

            From what I can read he hasn’t really brought anything to the party – he’s still petrified of commitment (whether that’s personal or text or whatever)…

            I just fear you’re going down the same rabbit hole as before and he is promising exactly the same things he did last time.

            X

  4. I have such a hard time with guys who aren’t good communicators. I’ve been practicing the backing off via text thing and it’s super hard.

    Trust your gut, but tread with caution. Isn’t that how it should always go?

    • Yes! It is hard… and he definitely doesn’t like talking about his feelings 🙂

      I’m practicing backing off texting as well. In some ways its good for me. Keeps me focussed on work or home. But the key for me is feeling pretty sure in how someone feels. Once I start feeling insecure, then everything becomes a big deal (kinda like what happened with Fox at the end).

      How do you manage to back off via text?

      • I have trust issues which lead to security issues naturally. In this instance, I find I just have to send a text and then delete the message so I don’t check my phone multiple times. I find it’s easier to wait on the guy to answer. The current guy I’m seeing isn’t a big texter so I have to do that. I remind myself he’s busy when he can’t reply immediately and backing off means he tends to engage me more often.

        • I’ve done that too… if I see it then I’m reminded they haven’t responded. And it’s hard. I know that some people are less tied to their phones and it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care!

          I remember Tony said to me once he wished I knew that even when he wasn’t texting me, he was thinking about me. Or thinking about texting me 🙂

          I am going to try to trust that it’s true.

What do you think?