A small morning surprise.

Late last week I had my first real struggle accepting Tony’s communications behavior. He’s been relatively quiet since late last week, as he’s been preparing for and running a few shoots.

On his night-before drive to his location we spoke, and texted a couple of times the next day. He said the shoot was running late but he was hoping to have phone sex on the ride home.

Several hours passed with no communication. My evening got fucked up; I was supposed to be at a formal event for work but my nanny lost my house key (and car fob!) which meant I had to go home instead to let her and Liam in. I was irritated. I sat my ass on my couch and watched “The Walking Dead” and was feeling empathy for Tony that he was stuck on a long shoot.

By 10:30 at night I texted him to ask how the shoot was going.

His response?


Are you kidding me? I thought. Here I was thinking about how shitty it was he was having a 16 hour work day. Nope. He didn’t even have 5 seconds to say “hey leaving now but  can’t talk”.

So I just said “Oh okay”.

He said he was exhausted and setting in. He said it definitely crossed his mind to call.

And he asked me to call him.

I sighed internally and externally.

He sounded wrecked. I knew the drive was on dark windy country roads. I knew he was tired. But I also knew it didn’t take much to send a text saying “hey finished on my way home will call you when I arrive”.

I didn’t really get into it with him; I knew it wasn’t the point. When he asked how I was doing I said I was frustrated about a few things and he said “gosh I hope I’m not one of those things; I’ve been so good”.

And he’s right.

We made tentative plans for the next night to go to a friends art gallery for an opening; he was still non-committal about going as he said it would depend how long his work day went and how he felt afterwards. I have learned from prior experience with him; I was going to go either way.

The next morning I was getting Liam ready to go to school. Tony sent me a good morning text and we chatted a little bit as I was getting ready. Then 10 minutes before we walked out the door, he texted:

I don’t want to tease you – but I will have some time to kill. On my way! To your place for coffee.


At first I thought he was just kidding. Then I told him it was mean and at the end of the day I was all his.

Tony’s favorite coffee place is on my way to Liam’s school. I texted to say I was passing it and he responded Minutes Away.

I asked him if he was serious and he confirmed indeed he was. I dropped Liam off at school, Tony parked at my place, and we met at the coffee shop where he bought me a lovely latte.

It was nice to give him a kiss and get a big hug and sit with him for a few minutes before I had to make my way to work. It was a sweet little surprise.

45 thoughts on “A small morning surprise.

      • Are you KIDDING me? He was just after the coffee? Sigh Ann, BIG sigh!
        If he was just after the coffee, he wouldn’t have needed to text, would he?

        • I think the reason he said he was teasing me is because he didn’t think I’d be there and it would be frustrating for me to know he was in my ‘hood… but it was a bonus to see me for sure 🙂

    • Oh he does and we talked for over an hour on his drive up. I can understand, after a day of being with people all day, he may not have had to have one more discussion. My issue isn’t that he needed some space it was that he set the expectation to talk to me and then didn’t tell me it had changed.

      • I’m gunning for you. I really am. We are all busy (although maybe not as busy as Tony) but something just doesn’t seem right about his lack of communication which may sit closely with a lack of interest. You seem to be heading back to where you were.

        • He’s been pretty good actually, which many of my prior posts have been about. He also struggles with anxiety and gets overwhelmed and I know at those times he needs his space; which I completely understand. I just like to know when that’s the case.

          • Yes, I have told him that. I said (more than once) that I understand he needs his space every once in a while and it’s perfectly okay to want to be alone! I need it as well.

            I also said regardless of that, what I need is for him to let me know when he needs that time. For example, a quick text to say “hey at home watching soccer will text you tomorrow” does me just fine. And he’s been good about that – even when he’s working – to say things like “hey swamped will check in later”. And then I’m good.

  1. He is certainly getting better and part of me thinks he may be close to his limit for what he can achieve….and you will be accepting or not. Even he acknowledges he is trying. Hopefully he stays on the “better than before” side when work gets really busy.

    I’m with you though and don’t understand why people can’t just shoot a quick text. Unless perhaps they assume it opens conversation? I never get it.

    • For him he has consistently told me he gets stressed about texts…so much of his work is text based and each “ping” is someone asking for something. We’ve joked maybe he should change his sound for me. But then again, maybe then he would know he can ignore those.

      And also, he says I never stop texting, so I’m working on that as well. Recognizing when I don’t have to respond, which makes him feel like he has to keep chatting.

      He’s definitely making an effort, which feels great.

    • I think you’re onto something here M. If they’re like me, they assume it’s to start a conversation. And if I don’t have time for one, I will probably not send a text to begin with. I’m really not a good texter!

      • Well, Ann is like me and we are quick and easy communicators…but I think not all people (as you say) perceive communication to be as “easy” as we make it out to be.

        • Oh, I think I communicate fairly easily, but I do recognise that if I don’t have enough time, I’d rather not start anything. It is hard for me to say “Sorry, don’t have much time right now” because I always want more communication, and it leaves me frustrated when I’m unable to respond in the way I’d like to. So I prefer not to initiate. 🙂

  2. I’m quite positive that it wasn’t coffee he was after…! : )
    And really, I wouldn’t stress much about his gaps in communication. As an introvert I have times (often after a day filled with interactions), when I just want to be with myself and not communicate, and there is nothing personal leveled against my loved ones. Perhaps it’s just that for him.

    • I think he didn’t realize I’d be there and was teasing me by telling me he was in my ‘hood… but I also think I was a bonus 🙂

      And yes… he’s also an introvert and definitely needs his own time. That’s the thing I’ve really learned about him, and know to not take it personally.

  3. I think he’s been doing quite well really. And knowing not to get your expectations too high means that you won’t feel rejection when you get nothing for a day.
    I know it’s counter-intuitive for you. It was for me too. I went from a 100 emails a day with G to maybe one every other day with The Dancer. And it’s actually done me good. Made me less dependent.
    You may not need it as much as I did, but… it can be good too 🙂
    Remember to enjoy what yo get when you get it, and don’t project too much onto his actions (or lack thereof) or the future 🙂
    Just breathe!

    • Good advice Dawn!

      I’m glad to not be texting constantly. Fox was a bit intense in that respect and it drove me crazy.

      But you are right about expectations. I’ve been doing pretty well in that regard, with exception of one hiccup… but I’m back on track.

      • I’m glad to read you’re back on track 😉
        I realise that my late night brain may not have been very clear earlier.
        What I meant with “You may not need it as much as I did, but… it can be good too :-)” was that maybe you don’t need to learn how not to be dependent. Not as badly as I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet, or find support elsewhere, not depend on only one person for all my needs. And having someone give me space and learning to not feel threatened by it, or rejected, did me a world of good!

  4. Yeah, I don’t think he just wanted coffee Ann. I think these are all steps in the right direction. Take it easy, breathe, and be patient. It appears Tony is trying, and clearly he’s interested……

  5. Great for you. Your showing your strength as he is getting better. I myself prefer calling my partner than texting to hold a conversation about our plans. Also, a good chance to use words to stimulate her before I get there.

    • Thanks Forester! I just posted a new post that shows where I took a step back… but I also managed to get myself out of it 🙂

      He much prefers phone calls and he’s been calling lots more than last time we were dating.

  6. If I were dead tired and I have enough energy to get home, I wouldn’t have texted you either; let me get home in one piece then I can text or call you! It’s about priorities, Ann; it’s not that you’re unimportant but I can take the time to text you, have my mind on you and not on my driving, and maybe not get home… or I can use you as inspiration to make sure I get my ass home safely so I can then text or call you and tell you that I used my thoughts of you to make sure I had a big reason to get home safely: Which do you really prefer?

    • The latter sounds better but doesn’t feel better. He and I just work really differently – if it was me, I would be walking to my car and texting something like “totally wrecking; leaving now will call you when I get home.”

      But he’s not me!

      • Yes, and that is exactly what you must always keep in mind: He’s not going to do what you’d do… and because he’s not you. Sounds kinda stupid, but this is a key relationship thingy and regardless of the kind of relationship. You have expectations of what he’s supposed to do and I’m think that if you don’t directly tell him that you want him to stay in touch with you no matter what, he’s going to do things as he wants or needs to.

        As a man, I can tell you that if you even hinted to me that this is what you want me to do, eh, I might decide not to because I’ll start thinking that you’re trying to change me into the man you want me to be… and not so accepting of the man I am. Yes, I’d do my best to accommodate you but if I can’t, I can’t. Yep, my reason(s) why I can’t might not make sense to you… but they make sense to me and even if I can’t find the words to explain them to you.

        If you asked me a question – or a few of them – yep, courtesy says I should answer them ASAP… with a bit of emphasis on the P… and that’s provided I have an answer to begin with… and maybe I don’t right now. Honey child, you’re thinking about you and what you would have done and getting a little bent because he’s not doing it like you would have; you ALWAYS have to remember that he’s not ever gonna be you and he’s not always not going to do what you expect him to do and/or when you expect him to do it.

        I don’t do that and I’m about as woman-friendly as a guy can be; I’m all about whatever makes you happy… but I’d know right off the bat that I’m not always gonna be able to do that due to situational things. If you’re “easing” yourself back into Tony, and I’m not opposed to the notion, by the way, then you have to adopt a different mindset that takes this man into consideration so that you won’t be stressing yourself out.

        I know you’re trying, dearest, and that’s good… but you know I’m saying this to you so that you can try to do even better.

What do you think?