A week ago, I told Fox I needed space and time to think. At the time, I told him he’d forced my hand: had he not freaked out, I would have been relaxing into our relationship, giving it time, and sorting my head out.
But since he broke up with me, betrayed my trust, and said some pretty shitty things in the process, I wasn’t about to get back together when I was unsure.
I told him that last week in our long phone call. I don’t want to get back together with him just to continue to have doubts, and then break up with him. If I’m going to take him back, then I need to know I’m choosing him, every single day.
My problem? I don’t know that I’d be doing that. There’s no question he has treated me better than anyone else, ever (and I hear some of you saying “yeah; until he didn’t“). But even he wondered if I loved him, and not just the idea of him. I angered some of you over a year ago when I wrote about us being a bunch of users. It’s an important distinction in my mind, even if I was accused of being too clinical and blind to the “magic” of relationships.
Yeah, still pissed about that comment. I will get over it eventually.
I don’t really miss Fox all that much. In the last two weeks of our relationship there was needy drama. I hate that shit, especially when I feel I am being responsive and saying and doing things to make my partner feel better. Some of you pointed out that in this relationship, I was Tony and Fox was me. Which I understand from an emotional perspective, but I was way more emotionally available than Tony ever was; I suppose it’s all a matter of degrees.
So some of how I’m feeling is probably driven by relief that I don’t have to deal with the needy shit. Yeah, I know that makes me sound like a pill. But it’s true.
Perhaps some of it is I’m busy and tired and I kind of like that I’ve been able to catch up on “The Walking Dead” and start “Breaking Bad”.
But maybe, just maybe, it’s because I don’t miss him.
I do have sentimental thoughts on occasion. Memories of the warm feeling of being adored. Of Fox being nice to Liam. The thoughtful things he did and the fun of having someone equally drive a relationship forward.
But I don’t crave his touch, or his voice, or his cock.
I may also not miss him because he’s stayed in touch. A relatively steady daily communication pattern. A constant reminder that he’s waiting, and he loves me.
Last night he left me a voicemail, which I could only partially make out. I didn’t want to talk, but I knew I had to.
We covered the same ground. He said he wanted to meet face-to-face because he wanted clarity. I have no clarity to give yet.
I challenged him on his “nice guys finish last” text and he articulated an oft-common opinion that women like bad boys and he’s not a bad boy. It was all I could do not to retort that I like men with a fucking spine; it wouldn’t have been fair.
He told me he wants someone who will work with him on the stuff he has to sort out. I told him I wasn’t sure I wanted to try to change the tires while driving the car. He wanted me to tell him the things that bothered me, so he can incorporate the feedback. I told him I didn’t want to give him a list of bothersome things so that he’d fix them for me. He insisted he was doing it for himself.
We talked about his rigidity, his rules based thinking, his one-size-fits all approach. His quick acceleration and his lack of communication about it.
He had written me a very long letter outlining his relationship history, as a way to explain himself. In it, there was a clear ultimatum – if I’m with him, then there’s to be no contact with Tony.
There was so much dialogue. I don’t need to rehash it all here.
But ultimately, I told him space and time meant actual space. Not being in regular contact. Giving me a chance to actually think; to miss his presence. I told him he needed to work on some shit. I told him – very clearly – I would not accept any ultimatums in a relationship and he would have to trust me.
I still don’t know what I’m going to do. I know where I’m leaning, and I will write more about that soon.
Despite asking for space, we are going to see each other briefly on Saturday. The one and only Hyacinth Jones is visiting me, and we’re going to meet up with Fox at a local farmers market for a short visit. Who knows if he’ll be weird or cool. Maybe she can help accelerate my thinking.