I feel no searing pain. The pain of heartbreak, which studies have proven feels as real as actual physical pain.
I am not doubled over with grief.
Perhaps it’s because I have Liam this week, work is busy, and two upcoming child-free weekends are going to be filled with girlfriends, but I don’t feel an empty space in my life.
I haven’t cried.
I got close for a brief moment when I thought of how good Fox was to Liam, and how amazingly good to me he was.
I just don’t feel much of anything right now.
I have no immediate desire to get back online and meet new men; the thought just makes me tired. I did tell Jason about the breakup; we had been actively trying to find time for a threesome with Fox. There have been some fleeting thoughts of a man one acquaintance was going to introduce me to, but I don’t put much stock in that; just my brain working through the thought of being single again.
On Sunday, Fox asked whether I thought things could be repaired, and if I wanted to try. He clearly does. I told him I didn’t know, and I needed days, not hours, to think about it. His texts have been very infrequent at this point. He’s told his daughter; she and I are still Facebook friends and I reached out to tell her she could contact me anytime.
I know I will miss all the things he did for me. He treated me better than anyone ever has and possibly ever will. But as I’ve written before – that’s missing how he makes me feel, not who he is.
I admire many things about him. He’s a lovely man.
But I can’t be seduced by how nice it felt to be on a pedestal. I was already struggling with whether he was the right man for me. How he dealt with his increasing frustration (which I can relate to but think was overblown, all things considered) was not healthy.
Could we work on that? Probably. Was it the only issue? Nope. Is it quite possible I’d get back together with him, just to break up with him later? Yes. Is the broken trust on both sides hard to get over? Absolutely.
I need to get back to him on what I want. I can’t help but think my lack of feeling about the whole thing means I’m apathetic about him. Neutral at the very least. And that can’t be good.
A few of you asked whether Tony getting in touch is factoring into how I feel and the decision I might make. The truthful answer is not really. There’s been no “I love you” epiphany. Nothing has changed with Tony. My Mom told me her feelings haven’t diminished for “her” Tony. After over thirty years. I guess I’m just fucked on that front.
So I have a decision to make. I suspect I know how this will go down: I don’t get back with Fox. I never find someone as good to me as he was. I never find someone who has the same chemistry I had with Tony. So I have two impossible standards to meet and am continuously disappointed.
And that scenario is what’s giving me pause.