I haven’t written about this much but it’s running through my head almost constantly. Admittedly less this past week than previous, but it’s still there some days.
I feel I don’t have the words to clearly articulate what I want to say about Fox. I’ve tried verbally with friends and it comes out wrong and awkward. I will say “but he’s so… nice.” And rightfully they say “and what’s wrong with that, Ann?”
There’s nothing wrong. I’ve said before that this relationship feels different, and it’s not in any way to suggest different is bad. Quite the opposite. I’m not keen on repeating past experiences with men which left me feeling empty and desperate for crumbs of attention.
At the core of it, I’m struggling to figure out which characteristics of a partner I must have to be happy and interested in the long term, and which are those I may want but ultimately aren’t critical.
And then, as I start to think these thoughts, another one takes over – why should I compromise anything on what I want? And if I do compromise, am I giving up?
Then the next thought is: am I giving up because I’m tired of all the bullshit I’ve been through in the last year and am simply dazzled by the sparkly object which is how well Fox treats me?
And then I think – no, he’s not like the other men I’ve dated who put the world at my feet. They haven’t all been like Tony. Way back when, the Giant wanted me to be his girlfriend and was lovely to me. Johnny Id treated me very well. There were other men I didn’t date for long who I know adored me.
So it’s not about Fox giving me that glass of water after being in a desert. Others have offered and I have declined.
He is special. I like him as well as how he makes me feel.
So then why do I feel slightly unsettled?
And that my friends is how my brain cycles through these thoughts and leaves me tired.
Lots with Fox is very, very right.
He does lots of great things for me. He’s communicative. He accepts me for who I am. He’s a committed father. He makes cupcakes from scratch. He cooks for me. He’s tall and handsome. He’s willing to do lots of different things with me. He has a high sex drive. He knows about my sex drive and adventures and while it makes him worry he’s not going to be able to be / do all the things I want, he doesn’t shy away from trying. He’s a kind and thoughtful friend. He listens. He does romantic things. He has a good job. He gets along with his family.
That’s a pretty long list. I’m sure there’s stuff I’m forgetting.
So when I think of the things I’m less fond of, they seem minor in comparison:
We have good chemistry but it’s not the best I’ve ever experienced. While he takes direction and feedback well, his touch and kisses don’t hit a bulls-eye. We have no problem spending a day together and chatting, but he doesn’t have the quick wit rapid-fire banter I really enjoy. He doesn’t make me laugh hysterically. He believes in personal growth and stretching boundaries, but is also very content. He says he’s a simple man. He’s a type-B.
My Mom broke up with my Dad after YEARS of cheating that started when she was pregnant with me. She decided the most important characteristic in her next partner was honesty.
Not a big surprise.
My step-father is not who I would choose for her. One reason is he doesn’t have the humor or intelligence she and I share (or my Dad, for that matter). I asked my Mom about it once and she concurred, but also said it wasn’t her primary focus. She said gets those witty conversations from others.
I guess she ascribes to the belief that you don’t have to get everything from one person.
Is this settling for less than greatness? Or is it a practical and appropriate approach?
It runs counter to how I’m wired in so many other life venues. I have a visceral negative reaction to Fox saying he’s “just a regular guy”. I loathe the thought of being regular or average.
I loathe the thought of saying “oh, he’s just fine”.
But obviously he’s way more than fine. He’s not perfect, but who is? How do I know if he’s perfect for me?
One friend asks if I can see myself across a table from him having dinner for the next 30 years. Would those perceived shortcomings bother me?
Then I think about it another way. I was married to Type A, quick witted, great banter, not content for a moment with what he had. And that relationship wasn’t for me – so that alone doesn’t do it.
I dated crazy intense chemistry and lots of laughter. And that relationship wasn’t for me either.
But what I definitely need are those things that Fox gives me. Without those, I’m miserable. He meets the criteria I wrote about ages ago about what I wanted and how I want to be treated.
Do I actually believe those memes that say you feel calm when you meet the right person for you? Can I reduce my relationship decisions to some trite Facebook post?
So where does all this leave me? This post feels as roundabout as the circular thoughts. I can’t even write a conclusion because then it all starts again.
Suffice it to say –
Scratch that. I can’t even write that.