I’m on a many hour plane ride home. After watching two movies on a small screen, I started “A Little Chaos” (love Kate Winslet) and re-read some old posts. That Kate is pretty distracting but even still, I read the same themes over and over in my writing.
I detest my ability to summarize six months of a relationship with Tony in just a few thoughts: We got along amazingly, I fell in love with him, he intended to love me back, he couldn’t, I struggled to let him go.
Yet I wrote tens of thousands of words exploring that basic truth. Thanks for sticking with me.
And now to Fox? I feel the same thing is happening again.
No, not the same story: a news reel in my head, over and over. Does this sound familiar:
I met a caring, mature, communicative man, who accepts me as the multifaceted woman I am. He wants to please me and grow with me. Time with him is lovely, he has many good qualities, yet he lacks the intellectual and quick-witted nature I have always said I need. I love him, but not passionately.
I am really struggling with this.
My work is all about making change happen, so I’m well-versed in the psychology of change. Change is uncomfortable. I’m trying to change my relationship patterns; be with someone who is truly good for me. I have found someone who fits this bill, yet instead of being in blissful relationship fuzziness, I am in an endless loop of questioning.
I have told myself to relax into this relationship. Many of you have said the same. And it’s truly lovely.
Then why do I keep questioning? I’m not trying to find something wrong; there are real things I don’t like. Do they matter to me? Obviously.
Does it make it worse that the last man I loved had the qualities that I’m missing with Fox, and had at least one of them in larger quantities than anyone that’s come before?
Yeah, I know that doesn’t help.
Last night my friend Katharine helped me break it all down for me: from 1-10 where is Fox on sex, taking care of me, and the like. She established there are only a couple of things missing, and even though I’ve been consistent in needing them in a partner, she suggested, not unkindly, that I suck it up.
I’m not sure how to get out of this loop.
And I need to talk to my Mom.