He found my blog and broke up with me. 

Yup. 

Ironic that with two blogging mistakes under my belt I’ve never been found out, but a man who I trusted with the knowledge that I blogged has violated that trust.

Of course he’s hurt. He read things nobody would want to read. But he promised me he would never seek it out, and he did it earlier today. Why? He said he felt the relationship had “run its course” since he’s been saying since Oct 12 he needs more than I’m giving him.

So, he was hurt, and he violated my deepest trust.

That fucker.

The irony is my Mom arrived for the advice session literally the moment I got two long and vicious emails from him. I told her it seemed my decision was made for me. She and I talked for three hours today. I’ve always maintained you know the measure of someone when they are angry and stressed.

I don’t like how Fox measured up in this. 

I noted his IP address so I could see if he comes to the blog again. He spent almost two hours reading before sending me those texts. I went private for the moment. If any of you are willing to mention to our joint readers that I’m fine, just dealing with a bit of a crisis, it would be most appreciated. The irony (again) is I was supposed to do the same thing for Madeline today.

Oh, and I heard from Tony last week right before I left on my trip, and 5 minutes before I got the messages from Fox I explained to Tony I was dating someone and couldn’t see him.

I think the universe is fucking with me.

62 thoughts on “He found my blog and broke up with me. 

  1. Wow, you’re right. The universe is fucking with you. I agree that you know the measure of someone when they’re angry and a man who behaved as Fox did certainly doesn’t deserve your consideration any longer. I’m truly sorry for your pain. The universe may be fucking with you, but it’s also taking care of you. You learned Fox’s true colors and your Mom showed up at just the right time to talk you through it.

    • Totally fucking with me, right?! But yes, your point is well taken. I’m glad my Mom was with me. She helped me talk through some things as the texts were rolling in.

      I don’t think Fox is a bad man at all. I’m about to post a few things about what happened and you’ll see – he made a very bad decision about rationalizing finding my blog. He was understandably hurt and angry but then he responded in that frame of mind. We’ve subsequently moved off that, but it’s still over.

  2. Oh Ann, I’m sorry for this. It’s weird, I had this feeling that it was going to be a matter of time before I saw a new blog post announcing he had ended the relationship, but I didn’t think it would be because he found the blog and violated your trust like this.

    I guess the silver lining is that the doubts you were having about the relationship with Fox were proven well founded, so your intuition was good.

    I only hope that as vicious as his emails to you may have been, he will at least have the decency to maintain your real world anonymity and not be vindictive and petty by violating your trust further. If he ever cared about you at all, he won’t do that.

    Sending hugs.

    • Thank you Josh. I was floored, obviously. I will be posting more; wait until you hear his justification for seeking out the blog… I think you’ll be as shocked as I was/am.

      While my doubts weren’t really about how he dealt with conflict, seeing him in action has reinforced that we work through things in very different ways, and I’m not sure we could have survived any significant conflict.

      He has since promised to not share any blog information with anyone; and I do believe him. Whether he continues to read I will be tracking; he hasn’t tried again but he might.

  3. I do agree about measuring someone’s anger and have found with myself – it’s a valuable lesson. Even when really pissed I was able to think about what to say and how to say it….take a step back. Fox should have done the same. He must have been mulling it over since mid October and that’s why the anger was viscous. The blog just brought out what was simmering.

    • Similarly to some of the conversations you and I had, he read a lot but got stuck on the things that reinforced how he felt. There’s no question things he read were upsetting, but he also seemed to pass over all the posts about how awesome he was, and how I was enjoying the calm and working through whether I was okay with that.

  4. Ann… I’m sorry.
    I was absent from WP for a while, I must have missed a post or two. I’ll go back to read. I din’t know what you mean by going ‘private’, as I seem to see you in my reader… I’m sure you could explain, though you probably have other things on your mind.
    So: I’m sorry about the vicious emails, I’m sorry about the broken trust. I’m also sorry about Tony.
    But I don’t think that bit is the universe fucking with you. I think it’s a way of keeping you away from Tony if he hasn’t changed and a way for him to step up his game if he really is interested.

    Time will tell which it is.
    It sure sounds awful right now but I hope that your karma will soon pick up 🙂
    (Sorry if I’m not making much sense right now, it’s a bit late in my neck of the woods)

    Sending love and hugs. XO

    • Nah, you didn’t miss anything – it just happened out of the blue.

      You can see my blog because the last time I went private you were on the list of “approved” viewers. But those who aren’t will get the “this blog is private” message and you have to click a button to request access.

      The Tony stuff is interesting for sure and I will write about that once I get through processing what’s happened with Fox.

  5. Ugh. Same here. Can we have an unlike button!! Do you think this was a knee jerk reaction by him? Reading back on your last post, you did write that you weren’t sure about him. Maybe he thought, “Well I’m pulling the plug before she does?” just to protect his own heart? Perhaps he had doubts and wanted to understand your inner workings, but then curiosity got the better of him?

    • I just put up a post about some of the prelude to what happened on Friday. While he didn’t say it, I do wonder if part of seeking out my blog was because he wanted to see if there was something I wasn’t telling him.

      I also believe absolutely a big part of this was what you said – he broke up with me before I could do it. I don’t think it’s made him hurt less, but perhaps it helped his ego a tiny bit.

    • Thank you. He treated me really well but I was conflicted with how I was feeling in the relationship.

      He’s not a jerk; he acted impulsively in finding my blog and was hurtful in anger. I can’t blame him for being hurt and angry – he definitely read things on my blog that anyone would get hurt by. But he shouldn’t have sought it out. I also think he shouldn’t have made a unilateral decision that we were over… but I do think he’s fundamentally a good man.

  6. Obviously, I’m heartbroken for you, Ann.
    If you can get Fox to Niagara Falls, I know people who will “set him straight”, so to speak…

    But seriously, your fans/friends love you deeply and we’ll never abandon you. Ever.
    Take care and reach out if you need to.

  7. OMG! I’ve been following your blog for a while and was so positive about how things were going with Fox. For him to do this is just…(speechless).

  8. Hmmm…I’ve missed quite a bit. I know there is a danger in discussion your personal life online. But you are anonymous here, unless something’s changed, you don’t give your or anyone else’s real names, or identifiable details, so no one you’re seeing really has a reason to be that mad about it, in my opinion.

    • He knew I had a blog – the first boyfriend I’ve trusted with that info – so wasn’t made about that. It was what he read about himself, and Tony. And I couldn’t blame him for being hurt about it… But how he dealt with it was very uncool.

  9. Wow, just catching up and that is so so so horrible! What a jerk!! I had a similar thing happen with an ex- boyfriend logging in and reading all my facebook messages… really sorry this happened to you… Like Road Dave I hit the like button, but wish there was the “Oh Shit, I’m Sorry” button.

      • I’m not sure that I want to know. I know enough to see that you’ve been through quite a train wreck, and as a “friend” of yours that’s all that I need to know to be sympathetic and supportive of you. It’s a tough spot…we want to be free sexually, and we use blogs to tell the world private intimate things that you can’t share with your personal world. It’s a weird juxtaposition where we blast our dirtiest laundry with the world, but not with our partners. It’s understandable that they’d be mad, but still it feels like a betrayal because even though it’s public, this is a collective interactive diary. I feel for you.

        • Well, as I just said to Chris, it wasn’t so much my sexual history stuff that had him upset – he knew much of it. It was my descriptions of my doubts about our relationship, and Tony.

          It was still a betrayal because I trusted him with the knowledge of my blog and he’d always maintained he was fine with it.

  10. Hello Ann, I’m a new reader / follower.

    First off, let me say good on you for putting your thoughts emotions sexual experiences online. It is through your efforts and others like you that the world will slowly become a more sex positive place. And, a more open sex positive world is what we all DESPERATELY need.

    And….

    Since you are embracing your sexuality and questioning it all in the same place / space. Why not make your lovers / potential long term partners aware of it? It seems to me (I haven’t read the entire “fox” break up saga) that when considering somone as a long term or life partner that you should be able to disscus the contents of your blog / your thoughts with said person.

    Your sexual history and your sexual desires are a very significant portion of who you are. Shouldn’t you be openly discussing this with partners; warts, lumps, potentially hurtful things, etc. with someone that you are getting that close with?

    Just one mans observation / opinion

    • Welcome Chris; thanks for commenting. I completely agree about needing more sex positivity!!

      I have learned that with some men, they can’t handle the truth (to borrow an over used movie phrase). So I’ve been cautious who I have told about the things I’ve done.

      Fox was different. He did accept my sexual history and while he was threatened by it, he didn’t run away. Him breaking up with me because of my blog had less to do with him reading about past stories (in fact, he said he wasn’t surprised by anything really, because I’d told him most of it).

      What was the issue was how I described him and some of my challenges with him, and my feelings for Tony. Those were the things that had him very upset.

  11. Wow! Yeah… insane and ouch. I had a date lined up with a really really rad guy once, and he googled my email address and found my blog. Canceled our date. He said he wasn’t interested in becoming a blog post. Sigh. I pulled all my dating content off my site, and haven’t blogged about dates since then.

  12. Hi again Ann,

    Well maybe one of your new criteria for potential suitors should be that they know about my blog and embrace it!

    To give this a bit of credibility. I’m male, almost 50, know my partner of 7 years sexual history inside and out. And am not threatened about in the least. For that matter I have never felt threatened by any of my partners or my ex wife’s sexual history.

    So maybe, going forward, ya need to introduce your blog to somebody your thinking about getting close with.

    Once again, just one mans opinion.

    • I hear you, I really do.

      But it’s a tricky thing because it’s not just about my history. If that’s all it was, then it would be a different decision. I am pretty open with most of my serious partners about my sexual history, because I need someone who accepts me for who I am, in all my facets.

      The risk lies even more in that I’m writing about my current relationships – and once someone knows that, I think it’s very difficult to not want to see what I’m writing about them. And in doing so, I lose my ability to process and have my dialogue here.

      The issue with Fox wasn’t my history (other than his surprise at how I felt about Tony); it was what I’d written about him.

      • I’ve actually been wondering how you can share your ( our) blog with people in “real” life. It’s a hard call and I think I would go with keeping it all to myself. It’s a place to process, especially if you disclose everything here. I’m sorry to hear this is how the end is for you and Fox. I have to say that it seems like you have everyone’s support here and your reader’s all “know” you from all that you’ve written. How hard it must have been for Fox to read everything with everyone’s opinion of him about intimate and non-intimate thoughts of yours about him. I can’t blame the guy one bit for reading your blog. He held out for a very long time, imo. If I was Fox and read your thoughts in 2 hours, I would think that I had been… ? “tricked”,? lied to, deceived maybe…I don’t know exactly but I can’t imagine maintaining the same connection with you after reading things you were thinking. I feel bad for all of the calls about him that he must have read. I can’t imagine what that was like. You shared things with a large audience and he had to feel close to you, right …and then after reading, he had to feel so many things maybe?betrayed? I don’t know but I feel for you and your Mom is great support. What a hard way to end things. I hope you’re both ok soon. xoxo, J

        • I’m totally with you on what it must have been like for him. I was very careful with him to say I completely understood that he was hurt and angry based on what he read. That he had read was a different thing.

          Other than Johnny Id, who found me via my blog, there’s been no other partner who’s known about my blog. As you may recall I felt I should tell Fox that I was writing; so many bloggers talk about this and I wanted to be open with him about what is an important part of my life.

          BUT I’m not sure I can do it – tell someone – without expecting they will read. And then I can’t write freely. It sucks.

          • I think your experience made the decision for me to keep the blog to myself simply for the space to write freely. …not to mention the havoc of that person reading. How long can a person stay away from their significant others blog that talks about their life? I’d have to peek at some time. I hope you have way to much fun this weekend!

          • Exactly. I don’t think I could stay away. I’d rather not know, I think. It would be disconcerting to me. I would hope to trust someone to tell me whatever it was they felt I needed to know.

            It’s definitely going to make me continue to be very very cautious about ever telling anyone I’m dating. It’s too bad it happened this way.

            I have no doubt we’re going to have an awesome time!!

  13. Pingback: Ups and downs | Dawn's Nights

  14. Hi again Ann,

    Ok, I’m going to try this one more time. I totally get that this is space where you go to process / digest your thoughts. That you need to write these things out and get feedback on what you have written.

    Isn’t it crucial that someone your considering investing in via an exclusive long term commitment; the most important piece of feedback that you can get? Isn’t that the price of admission that someone is going to have to pay to be with Ann St.Vincent?( is that she is a writer. That potential candidates are going to have to periodically going to have to read difficult things about themselves?)

    Isn’t that the price of admission that all of us in long term relationships have to pay? Isn’t that called having a fight? Isn’t the important thing not how the conflict is delivered, but how that information is taken in, and how the two of you work through it?

    By way of example. I can still remember specific fights that I had with my ex wife 20 years later. Contrast that with my current partner, neither of us can even remember what our last fight was about. In other words, in my past relationships I can still recall the conflicts and the resentment they left me with. I’m certain my ex’s have there own left over resentments. With my current partner, sure we fight, but we are good at getting through it. And, most importantly neither one of us leaves the conflict with simmering resentments. We can’t even recall what “it” was about or when it was!

    So, if your having to work this hard “mentally” in order to possibly be with fox aren’t you selling yourself short? If he reacts so vehemently against difficult to hear things, what leads you to believe that is going to change? Isn’t that just his style? Sounds like he’s the fly off the handle / overreact type. Then in the aftermath it’s time for apologies, self examination, and changed behavior. It is a legitimate way of processing the world. Is that the type of processing you want to be with?

    Once again, just one mans thoughts / opion.

    P.S. Thanks for entering into a dialogue with me about this issue. Also, thank you for tolerating my depolorable writing.

    • First of all, your writing isn’t deplorable at all!! Appreciate the thoughtful and thorough comments; thank you.

      If I think of this blog as my diary, I’m not sure I need a partner to read it, but they would know I write it. Practically speaking, it’s been a challenge.

      When I was dating Johnny Id (not sure if you know that story, but he’s a fellow blogger) there was something amazingly freeing about having what I called “hyper honesty”. We had read each others innermost feelings and knew our dirtiest secrets. so it was amazing to be able to share all those things. But being bloggers, there was a down side when things went badly.

      I do think Fox is a sensitive and emotional guy. He’s committed to personal growth but he also realized through all this that he hadn’t gotten through some things he’d thought.

      Lots to think about; thank you.

  15. GAH!!!!!Gah gah gah! I know, I know. ARRRRGH!!! Oh I have got to catch up! I still like Tony, and since I know very little about Fox (yet) I don’t like him so much……

What do you think?