For the breakup prelude and texts, start with this post.
This is the final post on this for the moment. It’s weird to post five things in one day but there’s no point in making anyone wait for any of this.
My Mom sat with me until mid day on Saturday. I had long-standing plans to go out with some girlfriends; the timing couldn’t have been better.
So I stopped texting for the most part, but found his change of tone rather unsettling.
By now you’ve probably read how the texting ended. I still haven’t responded back and am thinking through what to do. That’s actually not entirely true; I know what I need to do but am getting my head around it.
My Mom sent me an email about Fox and our relationship which I found pretty insightful. Thought I’d use her words instead of mine, for a change.
This will be simply a list of things that I observe -accurate or not…..
What struck me is the similarity between Fox and Roger [one of my Mom’s ex boyfriends]. They do all the right things, are Mr nice guys, BUT things are processed privately rather than working through things TOGETHER, etc. And then POOF you get the big announcement or acting out. You don’t know what is coming from left field, so to speak…. Introvert vs extrovert to some extent…..
This business of saying to you the “good guys finish last” is so telling. I see it as a self defeating and self serving comment. It in essence says that “I did the best I could and the fallout is not my fault. It is your responsibility cause I’m a nice guy”…..I’m the good guy, you failed, so time to move on…….
You felt there was no drama or stress in the relationship – well seems there is some now…..There WAS conflict but Fox would not talk about it – I’m referring to the times when you asked if anything was wrong and he denied same. So what does he do – keeps score and dates and then goes off and makes a UNILATERAL decision to read your blog (to know what is really going on????) after promising you he would not do so). Seems to me he decided the relationship was over – forget discussing the issues – thus not in the relationship any more so he no longer need to hold to his promise of not reading your blog.
To be fair, you were also holding back on some of what you were feeling (and I do understand why) and trying to figure things out. But at least you were not acting unilaterally in terms of making a decision AND you had the decency to discuss with Tony along the way, why you were not able to continue that relationship. I suspect you would have tried to do the same with Fox if you had decided to dump him…..
In essence you opened your heart to Fox and trusted him. And he simply walked away after the first several bumps in the road. You can assure him long term relationships will not work like that….I suspect Fox is an introvert and is very accustomed to putting things in boxes so there is no hair out of place. I also think it is his nature to look in the box and keep track of all that is in there and then make decisions. IF Fox could have acknowledged that there was an issue/s, he could have responded more honestly to your questioning him if anything was wrong – could have said yes but I can’t/don’t want to talk about it now but will have the conversation later.
Part of the issue for the 2 of you is visibility and transparency. However, you had a very short road of getting to know each other.
I think Fox is a very private and tight person and is probably used to sorting things on his own (yes, I know he was in therapy but seems he may need some more depending on the kind of long term relationship he wants). I suspect he is not used to having to come to decisions through a process with another person. In other words, I think he likes to solve his own problems and then proceed. This pattern often will not work in a relationship. This may be innate to Fox’s personality and may be something very difficult to change or not…..
Another thought – seems the drama that was missing was there – BUT it was hiding inside. Things were black and white and there was no gray…..but when the door opened, it was all black.
Now after I have said all that, this does not mean Fox is a bad person. It simply means this may be how he operates and it really is all a matter of whether or not you can accept the way he operates. And he may be willing to work at that.
Yesterday you said your gut has been screaming at you about the disconnect or at least that is my interpretation. It is very important to listen to what your gut is telling you. Now that you have had some drama with Fox, you may have a clearer answer. I did like the fact that Fox treated you well and he was pleasant to meet. But the crux of a relationship is how well you can sort out your issues.
Whatever you decide, you know I am always here for you.