It’s over.

Not Fox and I; hope I didn’t give anyone a start.

When I was on vacation I did a lot of thinking about Tony. I was able to get to a place where I truly could let go of him emotionally. You can read about it here and here.

And no, it doesn’t mean I was able to cut off all emotions – it doesn’t work that way. I spent too long cramming feelings into dark recesses in my heart. I’m letting myself feel everything. What it does mean is I finally internalized the knowledge he can’t give me what I need, and continuing to see him on a few-week or monthly basis doesn’t do me any good.

This internalization also allowed me to fully focus on Fox and agree to being exclusive with him.

But how to end things once and for all with Tony?

There was great disagreement. Everything from suggestions to ignore all of his messages to – well, in fairness, nobody thought anything on the other extreme. A few people suggested I continue to see where things go with him, but I already know how that story plays out.

I decided the best thing to do was not ignore him when he reached out, which I knew would be rare. But I wouldn’t move the conversations forward and wouldn’t open the door to seeing him. If he asked to see me, I knew I had to say no and my only internal debate was what else to say to tell him it was over. I wasn’t going to say it was because of Fox, because it’s not causal.

Well.

As I mentioned, he was in touch before I returned from vacation and he called me shortly after I returned. He’s been in touch twice since.

While before I was relatively content with a reactive strategy, what happened was I ended up thinking about Tony more than I should – not regret or desire – just wondering if / when he would again reach out and what I would say. I decided I needed to proactively close the door. I needed him to stop reaching out.

He hasn’t asked to see me, so I haven’t had the obvious opening I was hoping for.

Two Saturday’s ago, he reached out to wish me luck on my boudoir photo shoot. The guy remembers everything I tell him so he knew when it was. I responded briefly with thanks. He didn’t ask to see me and the conversation ended there.

The following Saturday, one week later, he texted me again with a funny question relating to my office tower and where he was filming. He then confirmed my street address, ostensibly to send something for my birthday. He wished me a happy birthday as he was shooting the day of. Yes, that meant 5 seconds couldn’t be spared. Typical.

At that point my curiosity took over and I decided to wait until after my birthday to call him.

Nothing has arrived.

It’s time for me to make that call.

I texted him just a couple of hours ago and asked him if he could talk either today or tomorrow after Liam goes to sleep. He said of course. He tried to engage me further in conversation so there was a bit of back and forth. I ignored his question whether I was in town this weekend. It felt odd to not respond in kind when he flirted with me, but I managed to deflect. Soon enough he’ll understand why.

But now, I have a time to say goodbye, and I will.

25 thoughts on “It’s over.

  1. So he couldn’t spare 5 seconds to text a “happy birthday”? That’s speaks so clearly of his priorities in his life. I highly doubt he would ever change, I am glad you are closing that door. Fox is so much more the man you need and deserve.

    • Yup, he couldn’t. He sent that text saying “happy early birthday; it might be crazy on the first and don’t want to forget”. Which totally sums up why it would always fuck me up – his intention is good and it sounds sweet, but on the other side, as you said, he couldn’t take 5 seconds to say “happy birthday” the day of? Sheesh.

      And yes, this in stark contrast to Fox who was upset he couldn’t be with me on my birthday, made me dinner etc etc and arranged for those gorgeous flowers to be sent to my office.

      I hope it was clear because I wrote this quickly – the door was closed in my head but he kept knocking on the door… so I needed to actually tell him it was closed. That’s a terrible analogy lol… but I think you know what I mean 🙂

      • I think it was a good move. Tony would always continue to reach out occasionally and of course he would be waiting for you to suggest a get together. You would always be left waiting and wondering when the next contact would be made and worrying how to manage it. At least now you can know it’s done and just look forward. With Fox!! 🙂

          • Good luck! Maybe telling him that although you really enjoyed your time with him, and you appreciate his recent contacts, you are finding that it makes it difficult to truly move forward and that contact needs to end. That way you are not reiterating to him that he fails to meet your needs (time and time again) but are still being honest with why there can’t be contact.

            Also, I know it’s a long shot, but what will you do/say if he tries to make (probably false) promises of wanting to improve and be the right person for you?

            I feel like I am over Tony now since he couldn’t even swing 5 seconds for your actual birthday. That really irks me. I am completely Team Fox now.

          • Ah thanks for that laugh. Go Team Fox 🙂

            I will always love Tony. I know if things don’t work out with Fox I would for sure call Tony to see how he’s doing. I know even if he can’t be my boyfriend I will always care about him.

            And yes, I like how you phrased that message to him. I don’t need to tell him he’s failed – he just is incapable and that’s different from treating me badly.

            If he says he’s ready? I will tell him it’s too bad but I’m dating someone exclusively and I suggest he go on some dates. Even if he thinks he can do it, I know he can’t. He hasn’t even proactively asked to see me in the last month!

  2. If nothing else, Fox proves that what you need DOES exist. I’m still sorry Tony is irreprehensible…..he’s losing out on a great woman, but one’s loss is another’s gain.

  3. Ann. I’m sorry. I know its painful.

    I can’t express what I want to say in a comment.
    Suffice to say I know your pain.

    All the best (And love)
    Coop

    • Thanks Coop, but I’m actually okay. I dealt with most of the emotional loss when I was on vacation. Admittedly though, hearing from Tony last weekend was very difficult – it brought up the feelings I have (and will probably always have) for him all over again. It’s what led me to realize I need to tell him straight out that it’s over between us, and stop waiting for an opportunity to present itself.

      We’ll see how the conversation goes. I suspect it will be pretty straightforward.

  4. I was so unhappy for you … until I realized you were speaking of Tony and not Fox. I’m sorry Tony’s haphazard way of managing relationships continues to be an issue for you and that you have to officially close the door to put it to rest, but you deserve to be happy, to be properly celebrated on your birthday. Fox is doing a splendid job of behaving as a properly considerate boyfriend and I am so delighted for you.
    P.S. – Happy belated birthday. I have been MIA from blog reading and commenting the past week or so and apparently missed your birthday post.

    • Janelle – sorry to make you worry!!

      I’m not surprised or hurt by any of Tony’s behaviour these last few weeks. If anything it just continues to solidify i made the right decision when I was away.

      Fox is doing amazing and it’s so lovely to be in a relationship that isn’t stressful. I’m not sure how to deal with it, actually…so just trying to enjoy it!!

      And thank you for the birthday wishes. Much appreciated!

  5. I did not have my head screwed on for past couple of days and sure I flew by with my head in a cloudy mist.
    Happy Belated Birthday Anna. xxx Loved the shoes *Wink*

    As with the other story. Letting go is hard and with such strong feeling there was never an easy answer. Right wrong nobody knows.
    When love comes into play there isn’t a single right answer only multiple wrong ones. It is about finding one’s own.

    Have a good weekend.

  6. I think you are doing the right thing, but do it quickly. Like pulling off a bandaid. I also think you tell him the truth – you are with someone who gives you the time and attention you deserve. He is very newly single — he really does need to spend some time alone to figure things out. Go Team Fox!

    • I’m sorry to hear that, Emma. My pain was felt over the last several months and it’s now more a sense of loss… but I’m okay with it. I know it’s the right thing for me to do. The pain of trying to make something work when it clearly can’t is worse for me.

What do you think?