There’s no anxiety or drama. Is this how it’s supposed to be?

As wise as I may be about dating, human nature, and sex, I confess to being rather useless when it comes to actual relationships. I have lots of practice when it comes to everything else.

I can’t really count the two long-term high school relationships, right?

The first was a year with an egotistical, charismatic, and self-absorbed musician who later became a bona fide star. He was three years older yet I was his first lover. He broke my heart and I let him have sex with me for six months after he dumped me for another woman – to whom he’s still married. His band is still around and every time I hear his music I think – wow, dodged a bullet with that dude.

The other was two years with an insecure guy who adored me but who proved to have no backbone, no prospects, and who wanted my life as his own. I didn’t respect him and he refused to hear me when I broke up with him. Drowning his sorrows in flaming Zambuca shots, he had a literal scar as a reminder.

In College I had some boyfriends and a few decent several month-long relationships. But College life doesn’t feel all that real and nobody broke my heart the way the rock star did.

Shortly after I returned home I met my ex. You know the rest. My heart was shattered in 1999 and it took Faraway Lover – in 2012 – for me to even come close to letting down the walls I built to keep my heart protected.

That’s my narrative; oft repeated.

Johnny Id and I had a six-month romance and while I would never diminish it by saying it wasn’t a relationship, it was very long distance and we only saw each other in person twice. Our challenges weren’t the usual everyday relationship things.

And then there was Tony. Sigh. I was a great girlfriend to a man who couldn’t be my boyfriend in return.

So I haven’t had all that much opportunity to practice a grown up relationship with a mature and emotionally available man. I’m used to anxiety and being unfulfilled. I have had men who are really into me yet I don’t like them in return, or men who I would very much like to have explored things with, who just weren’t all that into me.

It’s so different with Fox. He adores me. He says he wants to make sure I’m happy because if I’m happy, I want to make him happy. It’s true; it works. Time with him is easy. He communicates with me and is interested in building something. He’s on a week-long business trip right now and decided he’d spend some of his late-night solo hotel time researching how to make me squirt, and dominance in the bedroom. He’s doing this because he wants me to be satisfied. I keep telling him to chill; everything is fine.

Here’s the thing. The absence of stress and anxiety is still an absence. And I find myself wondering whether it’s normal to not have these things. The hallmarks of every relationship I’ve had where I’ve desperately wanted the other person has been stress and anxiety. A yearning desire for something I can’t have. Shit; I have six months of posts to that effect about Tony. I used to tell myself I needed complexity to stay interested.

So when all that is missing, does it mean I don’t want Fox as much?

It makes me wonder whether I like him for how he makes me feel or if I also like him for who he is. I’ve written about it before and it’s worth thinking about. And no, I’m not searching for something to be wrong. I’m not looking for drama or reasons this isn’t going to work. I’m just doing what I do – observing and analyzing.

It’s not bad – in fact, I know it’s good – but it’s different and therefore requires adjustment.

I’m adjusting. I’m talking to people about it. Friends and my Mom are sending me cheesy memes about how you know when someone is right for you. You feel comfortable and secure in their arms. It’s not dramatic; it’s calm. Blah blah blah. It’s on the internet therefore it must be true.

I’m trying to put aside my natural cynicism for that kind of sentimental stuff. I’m sure there is something to it – but I’m looking for evidence. Anyone?

22 thoughts on “There’s no anxiety or drama. Is this how it’s supposed to be?

    • Thank you Gary. I hope I didn’t give the impression I’m waiting for something bad to happen, because that’s not the case. This is simply different – and I’m unlearning a pretty long standing pattern.

      To new beginnings!

  1. No stress, no anxiety, a person who will challenge themselves to be what you need, sounds like you have it made. Enjoy the days, the more I hear about fox, the more I think he’s va keeper. Hell if I were closer I’d call dibs on him if things don’t work out, but I hope it never comes to that 🙂

  2. All my life, I have been in numerous relationships – many of which were rollercoasters and filled with the anxiety and drama you describe. I think I thrived on it. I also think I thrived on the chase. Men who came too easy for me turned me off. Those who were less committed I wanted more, with a sickness that hit me to the quick.

    I was thinking about your last post and someone had commented that with Tony there will never be closure, because “he’s not that kind of guy” (or something like that). I have one of those. Someone I wished to have closure with, that I will never have…and I’m okay with that. I’m finally fully “over” it.

    My husband and I don’t have drama (at least not our own – but we seem to attract everyone else’s) and there’s no stress – just contentment. I know this intrinsically, but after your last post I really thought about it – would I ever, ever, want someone else? And the answer is no. And I KNOW this. This is huge – because I have always, always thought of others in every other relationship.

    I’m sorry for my wordiness. I don’t know if it’s advice or just understanding.. but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in your experience of that emotional turmoil that accompanies some relationships and how the pattern repeats itself because it is what is familiar. It creates so much heartache, but yet there is some comfort in it, because it is what we know.

    • You don’t need to apologize! Thank you for the advice and understanding 🙂

      I do think we get used to things a certain way and changing patterns is difficult. I’m trying to be aware of why things feel different but I know that this is very, very good for me.

      Not saying I know what will happen long term, but I’m going to enjoy it right now!

  3. It sounds like given your relationship history you’re having trouble recognizing a truly good relationship when it presents itself. From everything you’ve described, this one is it. Fox is doing everything you would want in a healthy, mutually rewarding relationship.

    Your cynicism may have been well earned based on your previous life experience, but at this point it’s time to put it away and enjoy the ride with Fox. You–and he–deserve it.

    • Thanks Josh. I know this is good, I really do. But I’m still missing a feeling I usually have and so need to ensure it’s okay – I’m not missing that stress because I’m not invested. It’s because, as you say, it’s actually rather good.

      Changing these things takes some work so I’m trying to recognize the feelings and sort them out. I’m completely open to moving forward with Fox.

      My cynicism isn’t about relationships in general; I’m actually rather optimistic given everything I’ve been through. I just don’t like platitudes and cheesy memes 🙂

  4. It is amazing how situations that are so right can feel the opposite because we have taught ourselves the opposite is normal. It sounds like it is a big change for you and in a way totally confusing. But…it makes complete sense. It is not your norm.

    My advise. Keep doing what your doing. Try not to over analyze and take it slow. Even if in the end you both go your separate ways it teaches what you want in an ideal relationship and more importantly what you don’t want. You might find out you want the drama.

  5. There’s something about the sentimental stuff… else, it wouldn’t be sentimental but what I learned is that they’re sentiments spoken by folks who have someone and have been with them like forever – kinda like people who have a secure job telling other people they need to look for a job.

    But you know me: I’m gonna ask – if you’re being a cynic about the sentimental memes, which are about loving, being loved, and comfort in a relationship, then what in the name of all that’s holy are you doing? Will you be as much a cynic whenever Fox expresses these same sentiments to you and if so, wow, woman…

    Put whatever past failures you’ve experienced on the shelf and leave them there because until proven otherwise, Fox isn’t any of those other dudes who caused you so much stress and anxiety… and turned you into a cynic; you won’t be fair to him if you let the ghosts of your past hang around.

    • My cynicism is really only about not liking platitudes and memes. I’ve never been a fan of saccharine short words that try to describe complex things.

      That’s all. I can be rather clinical at times but I do enjoy hearing the great things Fox is telling me. I have my romantic moments and definitely am hopeful about relationships. I’ve generally held my optimism even in the shittiest experiences.

      I totally know Fox isn’t like anyone else I’ve been with. I’m not expecting something bad to happen. Just recognizing that the absence of the stress and anxiety I’m used to feels different, and I need to work through it.

      I hope that makes sense…

What do you think?