I’ve been staring at this screen for a while, unsure what to say. The inability to put words on the page is exacerbated by being preoccupied by texting with Fox and listening to the humorous dialogue of my family playing Monopoly 10 feet away: “Honey, look! I get $25 for my services.” My Mom and I share a feisty sense of humour.
Today I couldn’t see the ocean due to the thick fog that lingered for most of the day. I know the water is there, but I can’t see it. It’s a bit like trying to see my path forward. I know it’s there somewhere, but it’s not clear to me.
There was also a cow that wandered out of her property and ended up on ours. The bull stayed put. I’m sure there’s a correlation there as well, but it’s elusive.
I shouldn’t make a decision about Tony or Fox based on how I feel about the other. It’s not right for me to stick with Fox because I’m bummed about Tony. Nor should I go back to Tony because Fox and I don’t share the same chemistry.
Fundamentally, I think it’s weak of me to do this – I shouldn’t use any man as an emotional crutch. Ever.
So I have to write about them separately…and any comparisons I do are just that…comparisons. For sake of discussion. And they are extraordinarily different men.
A few of you suggested Tony is doing a great job with the texting and it shows signs of progress. Well, today is Tuesday and as of this evening, I haven’t heard from him since Saturday afternoon when I texted him the view from the house I rented and made a romantic comment about the “blue” moon. It’s been 72 hours of silence.
I’m not hurt. Just unsurprised. You’d think something romantic would be response-worthy. But no. Seems he has no reason to think he needs to work at keeping me.
Knowing Hy would chastise me (quite rightly) I have not texted him since. I’ve wanted to. Even as I type this it takes all my self-control to not pop over to my messages app and send him a text. Hy suggested I delete all his info and she would do the same for her bad texter, in solidarity.
I admitted to her I am afraid if I deleted everything and never reached out to him, I would never hear from him again. When we were dating and I went quiet, eventually I’d hear from him. But now, despite him saying he thinks of me all the time and has thought of reaching out, he never has. Yes, I’m excluding last week.
I can delete his messages which at least helps me not see him there every time I text someone else. I don’t see his face at the top of my phone. But I haven’t yet. I often screen shot things I want to remember…that’s what I’m telling myself now is the reason. I will do it.
Last week, after I saw him for what was supposed to be our sex club date, I felt extremely calm about things with Tony. Not because I saw a path forward, but because I completely internalized the reality that things were unlikely to change.
My therapist said about Tony it would be hard to know which of his characteristics were a result of his situation, and which were a result of his personality.
I truly don’t believe I should consider a relationship with Tony until he’s past one critical thing – an emotional willingness to go forward. I forget if I wrote about it, but at one point I told Tony he wasn’t making a decision for a lifetime. A decision to move forward was just that…going forward. I have no idea whether a relationship would actually work out with him. I just want to give it a try.
In response, he said this is a lifetime decision for him…he thinks of it as long term. Not tomorrow. So no wonder he’s not at the point where he can really try. If I framed this as a lifetime decision I would be paralysed by fear too (maybe).
The image I have in my head is one of a busy street with sidewalks on either side. Tony and I were walking side-by-side along the sidewalk and we came to a curb. I stepped off the curb and realized as I was part way across the street he wasn’t with me anymore. I looked back and saw him smiling at me but not stepping off the curb.
Instead of continuing on my way, I walked back to the edge of the street to be with him. I tried to convince him to step off the curb; that it’s going to be fine.
He distracts me and it’s lovely but I know I need to get to the other side of the street eventually.
Until he decides to step off the curb, I cannot go forward with him.
In the absence of knowing when (or if, I suppose) it is ever going to happen, I need to figure out what to do.