A few days ago I wrote about needing to make a decision about Tony and whether / how to move forward. I got some great advice and feedback on the options I presented, and it helped me cement my final decision.
I decided to end things. But not with some grand pronouncement. I haven’t heard from him since last Wednesday when we had our brief text exchange. I deleted our iMessage history so he doesn’t show up in my text messages list. I haven’t texted him, and won’t. If I hear from him I will be polite but not take the conversation forward. I won’t ask to see him and if he asks if he can see me…well, I will decline but may need help figuring out exactly how to do so.
As my Mother reminded me, I don’t owe him anything. Telling him I was going to take a longer break this time would in essence be telling him he’s again failed and is being punished. She asked me what the point would be – I told her, laughing, I wanted him to know he’s losing something amazing due to his inaction.
I suppose if he never realizes it then he’s not the right long term partner for me anyway.
And that’s the hardest thing to really absorb. Should Tony never reach out again or fight to get me back, then I know for sure he isn’t anyone I could have a serious relationship with. While relationships can be one-sided, they shouldn’t be. I need to be with an equal partner who is equally invested in making things work.
I’m not sure whether being on vacation makes it easier or harder, but I’ve done alright since the decision was made. I went almost an entire day without thinking about him, and then remembered. Fox has been keeping me busy with fairly constant contact so he’s been a welcome distraction.
I know this is the right thing. I also don’t know how I will deal with it when he reaches out eventually. Or if he asks me out. Or when I realize it’s been a month and he hasn’t. I have a couple of friends on speed dial for the inevitable moment when I need to say “OMG what do I say back??”
But for now, it feels right, if not good.