Moving forward and away from Tony. 

A few days ago I wrote about needing to make a decision about Tony and whether / how to move forward. I got some great advice and feedback on the options I presented, and it helped me cement my final decision.

I decided to end things. But not with some grand pronouncement. I haven’t heard from him since last Wednesday when we had our brief text exchange. I deleted our iMessage history so he doesn’t show up in my text messages list. I haven’t texted him, and won’t. If I hear from him I will be polite but not take the conversation forward. I won’t ask to see him and if he asks if he can see me…well, I will decline but may need help figuring out exactly how to do so. 

As my Mother reminded me, I don’t owe him anything. Telling him I was going to take a longer break this time would in essence be telling him he’s again failed and is being punished. She asked me what the point would be – I told her, laughing, I wanted him to know he’s losing something amazing due to his inaction.

I suppose if he never realizes it then he’s not the right long term partner for me anyway.

And that’s the hardest thing to really absorb. Should Tony never reach out again or fight to get me back, then I know for sure he isn’t anyone I could have a serious relationship with. While relationships can be one-sided, they shouldn’t be. I need to be with an equal partner who is equally invested in making things work.

I’m not sure whether being on vacation makes it easier or harder, but I’ve done alright since the decision was made. I went almost an entire day without thinking about him, and then remembered. Fox has been keeping me busy with fairly constant contact so he’s been a welcome distraction.

I know this is the right thing. I also don’t know how I will deal with it when he reaches out eventually. Or if he asks me out. Or when I realize it’s been a month and he hasn’t. I have a couple of friends on speed dial for the inevitable moment when I need to say “OMG what do I say back??”

But for now, it feels right, if not good.

44 thoughts on “Moving forward and away from Tony. 

    • I do hope so. I know it’s right because I feel calm.

      I know it’s easier right now since I’m not at home (although I have lots of time to think) so I’m certain this decision will be tested over time… but I will take those challenges as they come. I shouldn’t worry about it at this point.

    • I’m glad you think so; I hope so. A blogging friend said yesterday that it was hard for him to read my Tony posts because it’s hard to see a friend hurting themselves over and over. I suspect more than one person feels that way. I know I do when I see it happen with my friends.

      I also know that it might be a while before I know truly if it’s the right thing. But now, I feel calm, which is a good sign. I’m no longer debating the decision, just feeling a deep sense of loss.

  1. It seems it´s actually true what they say, girls tend to move on quicker since they get immediately with another guy or guys. I think I´m the strange one here, I really don´t need a partner, or sex gratification to distract me from a fail relationship. I´m pretty good at putting the person in the back burner of my head and then what I do do is concentrate a lot on my so called work, which is writing. But I don´t end it up with a girl, and then have sex immediately with another one in order to make me feel better.
    Cool little story, I was with this girl not so long ago, it was this year. For quite some months. And I know she´s running around fucking every cock she sees, don´t blame her, part of it I guess is survival in her world although I got to the point that even though she knew I knew and I knew she knew I knew about her being, well there is no other word than a whore, I just couldn´t handle that she would be the one then telling me how bad I was and how could not give her money for this and that or whatever other nutty thing she would come up with. So to the backburner she goes, don´t think about that girl much really except when someone brings her up and I´m quick to change the subject. Just pointless and a bit of self torture, plus I knew who this person was. Mean, and manipulative whore. No other way to say it really. But I don´t feel the desire to go and fuck everything that is nailed down to the floor to make me feel better.

    • Charly, it’s funny but what I hear (and my therapist confirmed) is that it’s men who go from one relationship into another. My ex is a good example; he started dating his (still) girlfriend one month after he and I broke up and he’s still with her.

      I’m not using Fox to get over Tony, but I’d be lying to deny it helps. I’m staying with Fox based on his own merits…and am regularly checking in with myself to make sure that’s the case!! I don’t want to use him.

      I’m sorry to hear about the woman you mentioned. She doesn’t sound like she was very good for you. When I make it to your ‘hood we can drink and talk (you can smoke; I don’t) and we can talk shit about our ex’s.

  2. The very big question is will you “cave in” somewhere down the road despite this monumental decision? This is, what, the third or maybe fourth time you’ve said you’re breaking up with Tony once and for all? And, well, okay – I don’t have to say it and I won’t.

    Not questioning your decision; not questioning your willpower, either. Just getting you to think, that’s all…

    • I might cave, but this is different from the previous times in that it’s not a matter of my trying to give him time. I don’t have a deadline in my head like I did before. I now recognize his timeline is LONG.

      I think the next several weeks will be interesting to see whether he reaches out to me and what kind of conversation we have, if any, about my decision. I will need to sort out what to say. I know I can’t see him; it’s too good and then too bad.

      Assuming I’m not in an exclusive relationship with someone, I would re-start things with him if he “fights” for me and is ready to have a relationship. But I’m not expecting that to happen.

      • I was just wondering if you’d given any thought about this particular thing, although I’m somewhat ‘amused’ that you think that being in an exclusive relationship is going to be proof against the possibility of caving in; if you think it is, I’d ask you to reconsider such a thought – just keep Mr. Murphy in mind, will ya?

        Handle your business, woman, and as always, I wish you the best (and can’t wait to read how this is working for ya).

        • I take fidelity pretty seriously when promised. I don’t have a 100% clean track record but when I promise to be exclusive with someone, I mean it.

          I wrote about the time I was with Jason when I was still dating Tony. There’s only ever been one other time I wasn’t faithful, and I haven’t written about it. Otherwise, when I say I’m committed to you, I am.

          So I will have to avoid seeing Tony because seeing him and not being physical with him will be impossible. I try as much as I can to not put myself into situations that are going to be hard for me to manage.

          • I thought I was pretty clear. I can’t say I’ve been 100% faithful because that’s not true. But out of all the experiences and relationships there have only been two occasions where I said I wasn’t going to have sex with someone else and I did.

            The first time I haven’t written about, nor will I. It’s the only exception to my story telling on my blog.

            The second time was when I fucked Jason while still with Tony and there’s no excuse for it. As you may recall however we were nearing the end of our relationship and I had fully planned on breaking up with him. But wasn’t able to do it, and I didn’t cancel Jason.

            My point being, I’m not going to just casually have sex with Tony if I’m committed to Fox. I know if he showed up at my front door and kissed me it would be difficult if not impossible for me to resist him; therefore I will avoid putting myself into the situation and won’t see him.

            I’m sure that makes me sound terrible, but it’s true.

          • You were quite clear; its semantics, love: Being pretty serious about exclusivity while admitting that you don’t have a good track record when it comes to meaning it – words have power, darling.

            For the record, if you caved and got with him again, I won’t “bash” you about it because I understand that when you need something from someone – and you can get it – then denying yourself, while noble, doesn’t make a lot of sense. So I say go for what you know and without shame or regret.

            This is about making promises – even to yourself – that life might not allow you to keep no matter how determined you are to make and keep them: Forewarned is forearmed, after all, and I’d hate for you to learn why you should never say never and why no plan survives first contact.

            Do what you gotta do; I just have the nerve to point this stuff out to you for your consideration.

          • “I wrote about the time I was with Jason when I was still dating Tony. There’s only ever been one other time I wasn’t faithful, and I haven’t written about it. Otherwise, when I say I’m committed to you, I am.”

            I have to agree with kdaddy here. The above sentiments are contradictory. Whether you realize it, you’re essentially saying you are faithful, except for the times when you’re not. :/

            You say there have “only” been two times you’ve been unfaithful in committed relationships, which begs the question–how do you know for a certainty that that won’t happen again, given that you’ve been unable to always maintain that commitment in the past?

          • I’m almost 42. I’ve been in many many many many exclusive relationships. The first time it happened there were extenuating circumstances which I’m not going into here. With Tony and Jason, y’all know the story.

            So I just know.

            And if I feel like I can’t stay true to someone, I’m at a point in my life where I will change my circumstances rather than be unfaithful.

          • Yes and I realized perhaps more context would be helpful. I’m being honest; I can’t just say “I’m always faithful” because clearly there has been an exception written about on this blog.

  3. Ann, my dear, dear friend. I am happy for you in HOW you arrived at this decision (rather than focusing on the decision itself). You are doing the right thing for you and for the right reasons.

    I know that I haven’t been present much these last several weeks but you are on my mind. I do lurk in the background reading your posts even if I don’t comment.

    This vacation has been quite good for you on many levels, it seems.

    Will

    • Thank you Gina!! I feel strong right now; I know at some point my resolve will be tested and I will just have to deal with it when it happens. Having Fox around is helping with that, for sure!

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