Is this what not dating feels like? | The Tony aftermath.

After three weeks of not seeing Tony, I invited him to a sex club and had a overnight date. Since all we had to do was hang out together, it was amazing. The problem has never been when we are together. It’s been all those times in between. Oh, and that little annoying fact that he couldn’t tell me he was done with his marriage.

Friday night, I let my heart open up again and really felt the love I have for him. It’s dangerous, this love shit. Makes people do crazy and irrational things. I felt incredible when I left his place that morning. All warm and fuzzy, filled up on affection and love.

I didn’tΒ feel like anything had changed. But I was proud of myself for telling him I was dating and he wasn’t “holding me back”. He’s not, but of course my heart’s pace of progress is a bit more difficult to speed up.

I had my Saturday night with Fox which was lovely. He’s so many things Tony is not – good things. Great things to have in a relationship, like communication, clarity, maturity, stability.

I hadn’t really thought through whether I was going to communicate with Tony again after our night together. So of course, I acted impulsively and did. I told him I had a great night with him. He reiterated and joked about choosing the meats next time (I chose a sausage he didn’t like).

Sunday I was the first to text, saying I was glad he liked the corset and heels so much. Again, he responded pretty quickly. My final text, late that night, wished him well for the shoot he had that day; he said thank you and goodnight.

Imagine my surprise when he proactively texted me on Monday to tell me how it was going. I’ve always believed in praising good behaviour and ignoring (or trying to) the bad. So I thanked him for texting me. We texted a little bit throughout the day.

Tuesday morning he again proactively texted me to ask how I was doing.

While this may seem innocuous, it isn’t how Tony usually communicates with me (or anyone else) via text – which is reluctantly. I was surprised. I couldn’t help feel perhaps my telling him I was dating lit a fire under his butt and he may have realized he could lose me.

I didn’t want to get ahead of myself, but this was definitely different.

Wednesday he again proactively texted me, continuing the conversation from the previous day. He responded to my text from the night before and said he couldn’t talk then but he would text later.

Sure. Been there before.

Imagine my surprise when I got out of a meeting and was in my office and my phone rang. It was Tony, calling me exactly when he said he would. We had a good conversation. He remembered I was leaving Saturday morning for two weeks. He asked what I was doing Friday night and asked if I wanted to get together.

I had already asked Fox if I could see him again, but he was unavailable. I had no plans that Friday night other than making sure I was packed and ready to go.

Did I want to see him? Hell yeah.

So I said yes, I would see him on Friday.

That afternoon he again texted me and we had a short exchange.

That night and the next day were back to normal; no communication. But he had double booked himself into two jobs so I knew it was unlikely I’d hear from him. That evening I checked in to see if he’d survived; he had.

I reached out to confirm plans and he wasn’t responsive. I wasn’t working that day and at the last minute decided to meet the Dom for lunch (only to get to know each other better, no sex, just a brief kiss goodbye) and was actually packed and available that night.

Tony called me at 7pm and was at my door by 8. He had asked if we could go for dinner and I’d made a reservation at my favorite place nearby. By now you know the drill. Easy conversation, banter, laughs, great chemistry, superb sex, cuddles, more conversation.

It was as if we were together again.

Were we together again?

I found his increased communication frustrating because it means he’s capable of it. And it means I found myself again hoping perhaps things could be different. But they aren’t. I do know this.

There was no discussion of restarting. It was like things never ended. We spoke of our birthdays (he’s a Leo so his is coming up, and many of you know I’m a Virgo so mine is two weeks after his) and plans and fun things to do together.

But they did end. I ended them for good reason. And even if I know he misses me and even if he knows the chemistry with have is rare, does any of that matter if he can’t be emotionally there for me?


So far on my vacation I have thought almost non-stop about Fox and Tony and how different they are and what I want and what is the right combination of characteristics for me. All of that is for another post. They feel like archetypes to me and this feels like a classic relationship-type decision. I also can’t help but feel like this is a decision whether to settle, and for what.

One good thing about not working right now is I have the time and space to let my thoughts roam free. I have organic, free range thoughts, like the exotic fowl and cattle that inhabit the land next door. And I have the time to write.

More to come.

32 thoughts on “Is this what not dating feels like? | The Tony aftermath.

  1. If it feels like you’re settling, you are, all I can say is don’t do it. Settling never ends well, one or both of you will get hurt in the end.

    Enjoy the rest of the vacation πŸ™‚

  2. Love does make us do crazy irrational things, it’s like the most amazing drug u could ever be on. I hope you end up with the one who makes your heart happy. Enjoy your vacation πŸ’‹

  3. I am finally catching up with everything and…wow! Ok, so I might be wrong but I think this is a classic mind vs heart situation. Fox seems to feel right and be right. But it seems to be Tony who is in your heart. – And with that, I do not mean I believe he can change either, no, I actually don’t think so. But can we blame you or anyone to follow their hearts? Enjoy your time πŸ™‚

    • Hey! Nice to hear from you over here πŸ™‚

      It’s a challenge for sure and I’m not sure what the right answer is. Sometimes things are clear cut and I see my path even if I don’t like it. In this case, I see various scenarios and there’s no guidebook to tell me where I need to go.

  4. Well… from your writing, I do know what’s in your heart.
    Now, I just don’t understand you. Tony is obviously changing, doing things he didn’t use to do and doing them without being prompted, yet… it’s not enough!
    I wonder… do you always do things perfectly the first time around? In your last post, you told us about wondering about getting on your bike but deciding that, yes, you would. A change for you. And you told us how difficult the climb at the end was, but that you applied yourself and got there in the end. Not as fast as other people (Will) would have, not as easily, but you tried and succeeded. And even if you had had to stop and finish walking, what counts in my mind is that you tried, and eventually got to the top of the hill.
    Now… you didn’t do it perfectly but took little steps (taking the bike, trying the hill, even if in first gear). It took you a little while, but you got there.
    Do you actually expect others to perform perfectly from the get go?
    What I mean is: Tony used to be unable to communicate. Now he has shown you (over a course of a few weeks, since I remember you writing about how surprised you were that he kept up his part of the communication before the missed sex club night). And he keeps at it. And yet… you are saying he’s not moving fast enough.
    I must say: I don’t get it!
    I understand that he hasn’t made a decision yet about his marriage (at least, not consciously, or not that he’s told you). Maybe he’s afraid to tell you because he doesn’t want to crush your expectations if things don’t happen as fast as they used to. Maybe he’s not telling you for all sorts of reasons. Maybe he doesn’t know that he’s made a decision. But the way he behaves… he’s put you at the top of his priorities, one of the three main ones, with his job and his son. That has to count for something, hasn’t it?
    I’m afraid that if you want everything to be perfect, or if you don’t want to listen to your heart, you *will* settle for someone who doesn’t make your life sing (Fox)… Because when you write about Fox, it’s all so much more guarded, distant, almost hygienic.
    I don’t know. Sorry for going on and on about this πŸ˜‰

    • I love how invested you are my dear πŸ™‚

      You are absolutely right about people taking their time and all that. But Tony isn’t really on that path – and even if he texts me every day (which he hasn’t; I haven’t heard from him in 3 days now) he has not sorted out the one most critical thing – an emotional readiness to be in a relationship. Without that I risk being quite heartbroken.

      I do hear you. It’s been tempting to believe he’s changing. I’m sure if I keep in touch there will be things that get sorted, slowly.

      But without that most critical piece I’m not sure much else matters.

      • I know. I think though that we live in a society that makes us want everything *now*, and if it’s not available the way we want it when we want it, we tend to dismiss it as not being good enough…
        I think there is value in taking things slowly. But I know that you have invested a lot of time with Tony already.
        As for the not hearing from him in 3 days… I know someone who thinks that would be giving me time off, a much needed vacation and so on. And maybe he’s right πŸ˜‰
        Obviously, I can’t tell you what to do, only you get to find your own way. I wish you all the best my friend. Hope the journey is pleasant, because it’s all we really have, isn’t it?

        • I’m taking things slowly with Fox, for what it’s worth.

          And yeah, 7 months with Tony. I’m not sure getting back together with him is the best thing – I can’t see a path forward at this point that doesn’t end in frustration. But if I leave him for good I am walking away from a very very deep and fundamental love. Sigh. Hence needing to write about it all.

          • I do understand. I was about to write that it’s Ok, because I know how much writing about things helps sort them out, sort our feelings and emotions, help figure out where we want to go and with whom…
            I know my post yesterday helped me take the anxiety off and be able to see things more clearly. I’m in a much better state today, yet people reading it must think I’m wallowing in despair. Which may not have been true even last night! πŸ™‚
            I didn’t mean to sound critical in my comment. I apologize for that πŸ™‚

          • I’m glad you are in a better place today.

            I don’t mind critical from you. I know you have my best interests at heart and in matters like this I appreciate all feedback. It’s not clear cut, at least in my opinion….so scenario planning helps πŸ™‚

  5. That sudden text reaction my inner self says… I been there uh huh she was jealous of the attention given.
    Not saying it is just how it felt. Though it does not make me one to judge. (I learned my lesson)

    It isn’t always easy to let go if one already did. There is always a piece left behind.
    One can never force something on somebody, but I do not see you loose focus of your own self being.

    Enjoy the holidays.

  6. Though I’ve been catching up on your posts, I was pleasantly surprised to hear the dude kinda kept the communication going on a daily basis. I do hope it lasts, although with men, you never know. Good luck anyways and kuddos to you for moving on and letting him know that you are.

    • Thank you – nice to see you back here πŸ™‚

      It didn’t last. I’m away now so who knows how he thinks about things. I can’t help but think he thinks I’m going to be around no matter what. I definitely haven’t him reason to think otherwise…

  7. I’m glad you’re finding time to write, I know that helps you sort out all the crazy love stuff! Im finding no time to write these days!

  8. “Were we together again?” Hell, woman, you’ve never really broken up with him, have you? I know what you’ve said, how you feel about the not-so-good parts of Tony and how they ain’t working for you and how you need to move on and have by dating Fox.

    But Tony still :lives” there with you…

  9. I’m wondering why you feel you need to “decide”? You were honest with both of them about where you are, and so therefore I’d think be inclined to just take it one day at a time (sorry for the old cliche). Enjoy the view from where you are, enjoy the company of both of them, and appreciate what each brings to the table for right now. Yes?
    And lucky you to have some time to write. I’ve been trying for over a week and life just won’t stop (and now my pc isn’t working and I’m actually using my cell for reading and commenting, ugh.)

  10. I’m usually not forgiving of people’s behavior. Typically I have to have people tell me I’m allowing someone back in whom I shouldn’t. Good luck and have fun on your vacation.

What do you think?