After three weeks of not seeing Tony, I invited him to a sex club and had a overnight date. Since all we had to do was hang out together, it was amazing. The problem has never been when we are together. It’s been all those times in between. Oh, and that little annoying fact that he couldn’t tell me he was done with his marriage.
Friday night, I let my heart open up again and really felt the love I have for him. It’s dangerous, this love shit. Makes people do crazy and irrational things. I felt incredible when I left his place that morning. All warm and fuzzy, filled up on affection and love.
I didn’t feel like anything had changed. But I was proud of myself for telling him I was dating and he wasn’t “holding me back”. He’s not, but of course my heart’s pace of progress is a bit more difficult to speed up.
I had my Saturday night with Fox which was lovely. He’s so many things Tony is not – good things. Great things to have in a relationship, like communication, clarity, maturity, stability.
I hadn’t really thought through whether I was going to communicate with Tony again after our night together. So of course, I acted impulsively and did. I told him I had a great night with him. He reiterated and joked about choosing the meats next time (I chose a sausage he didn’t like).
Sunday I was the first to text, saying I was glad he liked the corset and heels so much. Again, he responded pretty quickly. My final text, late that night, wished him well for the shoot he had that day; he said thank you and goodnight.
Imagine my surprise when he proactively texted me on Monday to tell me how it was going. I’ve always believed in praising good behaviour and ignoring (or trying to) the bad. So I thanked him for texting me. We texted a little bit throughout the day.
Tuesday morning he again proactively texted me to ask how I was doing.
While this may seem innocuous, it isn’t how Tony usually communicates with me (or anyone else) via text – which is reluctantly. I was surprised. I couldn’t help feel perhaps my telling him I was dating lit a fire under his butt and he may have realized he could lose me.
I didn’t want to get ahead of myself, but this was definitely different.
Wednesday he again proactively texted me, continuing the conversation from the previous day. He responded to my text from the night before and said he couldn’t talk then but he would text later.
Sure. Been there before.
Imagine my surprise when I got out of a meeting and was in my office and my phone rang. It was Tony, calling me exactly when he said he would. We had a good conversation. He remembered I was leaving Saturday morning for two weeks. He asked what I was doing Friday night and asked if I wanted to get together.
I had already asked Fox if I could see him again, but he was unavailable. I had no plans that Friday night other than making sure I was packed and ready to go.
Did I want to see him? Hell yeah.
So I said yes, I would see him on Friday.
That afternoon he again texted me and we had a short exchange.
That night and the next day were back to normal; no communication. But he had double booked himself into two jobs so I knew it was unlikely I’d hear from him. That evening I checked in to see if he’d survived; he had.
I reached out to confirm plans and he wasn’t responsive. I wasn’t working that day and at the last minute decided to meet the Dom for lunch (only to get to know each other better, no sex, just a brief kiss goodbye) and was actually packed and available that night.
Tony called me at 7pm and was at my door by 8. He had asked if we could go for dinner and I’d made a reservation at my favorite place nearby. By now you know the drill. Easy conversation, banter, laughs, great chemistry, superb sex, cuddles, more conversation.
It was as if we were together again.
Were we together again?
I found his increased communication frustrating because it means he’s capable of it. And it means I found myself again hoping perhaps things could be different. But they aren’t. I do know this.
There was no discussion of restarting. It was like things never ended. We spoke of our birthdays (he’s a Leo so his is coming up, and many of you know I’m a Virgo so mine is two weeks after his) and plans and fun things to do together.
But they did end. I ended them for good reason. And even if I know he misses me and even if he knows the chemistry with have is rare, does any of that matter if he can’t be emotionally there for me?
So far on my vacation I have thought almost non-stop about Fox and Tony and how different they are and what I want and what is the right combination of characteristics for me. All of that is for another post. They feel like archetypes to me and this feels like a classic relationship-type decision. I also can’t help but feel like this is a decision whether to settle, and for what.
One good thing about not working right now is I have the time and space to let my thoughts roam free. I have organic, free range thoughts, like the exotic fowl and cattle that inhabit the land next door. And I have the time to write.
More to come.