That’s all good in theory, but for this to work I have to make it practically applicable.
I’ve tried no-contact. I didn’t last very long. A few weeks each time, and then I was back in his arms. He seems quite fine with seeing me once every three weeks, but that is not the kind of relationship I want to have.
Let’s pretend for a moment that Fox wasn’t in my life. What would I do?
Honestly, from one perspective the easy route would be to continue to see Tony every once in a while. It’s so good when we are together, and I tell myself if my expectations are reasonable (nothing has changed, etc etc) and I don’t get hurt, then what’s the harm?
There is something to this argument. But then I hear Ferns on my shoulder (or banging her head against the wall from a great distance) and I think she would say I am not creating any condition for Tony to make changes, if I keep rewarding his “bad” behaviour. She has a very valid point (not a shock, to any of you who read her blog or have the honour of receiving her blog comments).
I’ve basically proven to him in the last two months I’m always going to be around. I say I need space and I take it for a few weeks, but then reach out and am lovely to him and give him my best corseted and high-heeled self. My actions only demand what he is capable of giving. He has the best of both worlds – his solitude when he wants it, and a fierce sexy wonderful creature every few weeks to keep him company, listen to his troubles, buy him contact solution (it’s a running joke), and help him relax.
Regardless of how many times I’ve told him I need more from him, my actions don’t reflect this.
Here’s the problem, however, My giving him space and time to work through his stuff and be “ready” is not a short-term thing. It’s not measured in weeks or even months. It could be a year. It could be never.
So what do I do, since I know halfway is not good for me?
Option 1) Continue to stay in touch every once in a while, like I’ve been doing, but with less frequency. Depending on what’s happening with my other relationships, see Tony (I can’t see him and not be with him…pretty sure that’s impossible to expect). But at the very least, check in, see how he’s making progress, and continue to evaluate what’s best for me in terms of contact.
Option 2) Tell him once again I need space and he needs time. Plan to meet at some pre-determined date, time, and place, to check in. Perhaps December 23 since it’s when we met last year. Stay committed to not contacting him in advance of that, even if I’m single and lonely and missing him terribly. Don’t stalk him on Twitter (where he’s rarely active) or POF (which involves me unhiding my profile or asking friends to look). Who knows what relationship state I will be in by December, but it’s a way to perhaps rekindle something if the stars align, or know for real it’s never going to happen.
Option 3) Say goodbye and mean it. Delete all of his contact information. Tell him if he’s ready someday, to call. Internalize the belief it will likely never happen. Probably wonder “what if” for the rest of my life, unless I happen to be lucky enough to meet someone who does all the same things for me that Tony did, and more.
In this moment, sitting in a meadow, listening to the water, and watching the fog roll in and out, I know what I should do. I’m curious whether you agree.
Blog lovelies, what do you suggest I do?
(And if you have an option 4, I’m willing to hear it as well).