I decided to tell Fox (most of) the truth and lived to tell about it.

My timeline bounced around a little between Fox and Tony so here’s the order of operations, for the context of this post:

  1. I had an overnight with Tony after not seeing him for three weeks. I left Tony’s house to go to my parents, and then I…
  2. …had my fifth date with Fox at a sporting event.
  3. After that meeting, Fox got sensitive about asking for feedback and my feelings.
  4. We decided to talk about it at our next date the following Tuesday. This post is about that date.

Fox and I met after work at a hidden gem Mexican restaurant. Turns out it should remain somewhat hidden because it’s not a gem anymore. But (thankfully) that story is not the most interesting part of this blog post. I could write restaurant reviews but I don’t think that’s why you are here. 

Each date with Fox gets a little better. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s opening up, or I’m getting more patient, but I don’t find the conversations as boring as they used to be. We had dinner and chatted mostly about his interests and then made our way back to my place. 

We sat on the couch and I brought up our text conversation. One thing I will give the man credit for, he’s definitely open to talking about things. He said he was really only asking about sexual stuff and wanted to be sure I was telling him what I wanted and needed. He told me a story of a woman he dated a few times who he nicknamed “bad sex”, for obvious reasons. He said he just couldn’t “do it” anymore with her and had to say goodbye. He didn’t want either one of us to be unhappy with sex.

(And it’s for another post, but he pulled the “it’s not you it’s me” bullshit on her and didn’t unfriend her on facebook – which yes, means he friended her early on – and now she still texts him to ask to hang out because he said he could be friends with her. Sheesh.)

So, I told him a few things. Like when he said he wants to ravage me, I would like him to actually ravage me. Not take forever to get going and then take his time. Sometimes, sure, but not when that context is created. I said I would continue to give him feedback and I’m glad he was open to it. 

I used the dating profiles example again and he complained that I don’t tell him much – in contrast, he tells me everything. Which is true; he’ll tell me exactly who he’s going out with and when, and even every meal he eats. I find it kind of annoying actually (seriously, I will get texts like “Anthony and I are having fish tacos” and I don’t even know who Anthony is). I explained I’m not the type to provide a play-by-play of my day but it doesn’t mean I don’t like telling him things. 

I volunteered that I had also shuttered my dating profiles. He seemed quite chuffed; then I reminded him that hiding one’s dating profile is not the same as having an exclusivity conversation. That stopped him in his tracks, and I knew I had to explain. I had been thinking about how I could be honest while not scaring him or telling him something that could be a non-issue very shortly.

So, I told him he was the only person I was dating regularly. “Regularly?” he teased, and I said “yes, Fox, I used that word quite deliberately”. I told him I liked him and was curious about learning more and seeing where things went between us. 

Then I took a deep breathe and said:

“I am not ready to be sexually exclusive, however. I have spent quite a while now exploring and I don’t want that to stop. Ultimately I would like to be with someone who is willing to explore with me. If I told you today I could be exclusive it would set me up to fail and/or lie to you. The reality is if the woman from the swingers club wanted to meet me, I’d ask you if you wanted to come along.”

While I knew this wasn’t what he wanted to hear, he took it well. Yes, I deliberately used a less threatening example. He didn’t say much in return but did kiss me passionately. We joked what I said couldn’t have been that bad because he didn’t run away. 

I left him with the impression he was the only man I was seeing who I wanted a relationship with. I didn’t think I could or should describe Tony to him. He’s never asked what happened in my last relationship and that is certainly not the kind of thing I will volunteer unless it’s relevant or inquired about. I don’t think Tony is going to change and if for some reason I decided to try again with him, I would end it with Fox. 

I don’t think I could continue to see both of them – it’s not right. 

Fox took me upstairs, undressed me, said dirty things to me, and gave me a good seeing to. He couldn’t stay overnight given his teenager was at home, but he left fairly late. He’d told me he is the type to need some time to process things he’s heard, so I fully expected to get some conversation aftermath questions the next day. I was hoping they weren’t anything I didn’t want to answer.

Postscript:

I forgot probably the most important thing I told Fox that night: that I blog! 

I used it as an example of how he doesn’t pick up on conversational cues. I said “I’ve said a few times I’ve written; aren’t you curious where I write?” He said “on paper?” and I said no, Fox, I write online. I’m a blogger. 

I told him I have an anonymous blog and how important writing has been to me, and just like if he say my diary he wouldn’t pick it up and read it, I expect him to also not seek out my blog. 

His only question: “so there’s a virtual me out there?” and I said “yes, there is”. And that was that. 

59 thoughts on “I decided to tell Fox (most of) the truth and lived to tell about it.

    • I’m laughing at myself because I just realized I forgot another important thing… I told him I blog!! I was using it as an example of how he doesn’t inquire about things I tell him. Perhaps I will add it as an addendum to the post… be right back πŸ™‚

    • Okay I’m back. Yes, it did ease my mind…both in helping me contextualize his text messages to me (he wasn’t necessarily trying to pin me down) and also because I could be honest with him. So those were good things. And he’s still texting me πŸ™‚

  1. I may be overstepping my boundaries by saying this and also, I don’t know if I have read every Mr. Fox post…but I just get the vibe that he is a very simple man. Am I correct in this mental picture? Or is this just me overstepping my thoughts regarding your story telling?

    For some reason, I see you ultimately ending up with a very complex (yet challenging kind of man)–and I mean that in the most sincere and highly regarded way. Fox seems nice enough…but you have the upper hand in this relationship. I wonder, is it your ideal dynamic to have such control in a relationship??? You know me….alpha vs beta–where does your true heart lie?

    • Don’t worry about overstepping – if I think something’s really off-base, I will say so.

      I don’t know that Fox is simple, but he doesn’t strike me as an Alpha, either. There is more to him, however, and it’s coming out slowly. Just last night he sent a text that said “I want to make love to you on a bed of roses but also DP you with toys. Is that weird?” (to which I responded “nope, it’s awesome”).

      But you have picked up on something very interesting – I always justified staying with my ex because he was “challenging” and “not boring”. I do want someone to be my equal but I also realize that the quiet and calm can be pretty good too.

      I definitely haven’t sorted this out in my head yet. While Fox and Tony may be archetypes I hope they aren’t the only ones. But it makes me wonder whether it’s possible to have more of what I want with one man.

  2. I have been meaning to ask you….
    How would you feel if Tony found your blog? Does he know you’re a blogger? And what would you do if Fox found your blog? It seems like he’d keep his word about not seeking it out… but just a hypothetical “what if….?” I am still a bit miffed and still feeling violated that mine was sought out and found by Texas. It really put a major crimp in our relationship. I trusted him but also thought it would be impossible to find. How wrong I was. I am now wondering if I shouldn’t tell anyone ever again. πŸ™

    • Tony doesn’t know I blog but he knows I write. He never asked in what forums but he knows that a few of my dating stories have been published in a newspaper (including our first date story, which I let him read).

      I’m not sure if you were around when I was dating fellow blogger Johnny Id. It can be incredibly refreshing to have the honesty with someone when they can know your background, thoughts, and still love you. It’s also incredibly painful when the relationship doesn’t go well.

      At this point with Tony, he could read the whole blog. I have told him (not in any detail) about the broad themes he would find here. There’s only one thing I did that I feel bad about (having sex with Jason right before Tony and I broke up) that I’d wish he wouldn’t read… but if we had a tough conversation, I’d tell him.

      With Fox, I’m definitely nowhere near being able to share everything with him. I think part of the issue is where you are in a relationship. It’s too early.

      It’s also a bit of a test to see what he does with the information. I *think* he’s okay with knowing and not seeking…but I suspect he also needs to feel that I’m being open with him.

  3. I don’t know whether to nod with sagely understanding or to giggle in anticipation of whatever’s gonna happen next – this is like a train wreck about to happen. I just wish I could have seen the look on his face when you told him you didn’t want to sexually exclusive…

    Now, you did use semantics very well to misrepresent what you’re really doing, like still seeing Tony and then kinda invoking don’t ask, don’t tell. He – Fox – might be the only man you’re seeing “regularly” but he’s not the only man you’re seeing and the play on words had me rolling my eyes and laughing at how slick you were with your words to Fox.

    You say it wouldn’t be right to continue to see both of them and I wanna know why it wouldn’t be… since you’re already doing that and regularity notwithstanding. Well, regularity means nothing in light of the fact that you’re still seeing another man – Tony – while actively dating Fox – can the Dom be included here as well?

    Not busting your cute ass, hon, but, yeah, I’m gonna call you out on this and ask you if you think it’s more wrong to gaslight Fox about your involvement with Tony instead of telling him the truth. I, guessing you’d be livid if some dude ran that okie-doke on you.

    Don’t forget, you have the right to remain silent…

    • Well, let me play a few things back to you.

      At the time of our conversation I had seen Tony only once since I met Fox. Prior to that, Tony and I had exchanged some text messages but that was it. So I’m not sure it’s right to say I was seeing Tony regularly.

      Also, with Tony, I don’t intend to keep seeing him. He’s not ready and it’s not good for me to continue. While absolutely, right now I’m dating Fox while in love with another man, I’m not sure that’s going to fade any time soon. I could be waiting years and I’m not going to do that.

      The night I saw Tony I asked Fox first. Yes, I could have not gone, but he also knew I was likely going to go anyway and I even asked him how he felt about that (I forget if I put that in my post). He said “it’s not like I can provide what he provides”.

      I haven’t had penetrative sex with the Dom. The only thing sexual he did to me (I don’t consider the cross stuff sexual) was lick my nipples and at the very end of the scene with him he finger fucked me until I squirted. Again, that was pretty soon after I met Fox.

      If I went to see the Dom again, I would invite Fox to join.

      And finally, when I said I wasn’t ready to be sexually exclusive, I didn’t imply my only options were women, although it was the example I gave. But given it’s not as if I’m pursuing other sexual partners with fierce regularity right now, I also didn’t want to leave him with the impression that I was out with other people on a regular basis. I’m more reactive than proactive at this point – however temporary. I wanted to keep my options open without having lied to him.

      • I didn’t say you were seeing Tony regularly – I just said that you were… I just found the use of the word “regular” an interesting one. You know I’m on your side and I got your back but consider this a cautionary thing, hon; if we were really dating, I would have called you out on using that word and would have asked you about anyone you were seeing that wasn’t regular and the search for the whole truth would have begun in earnest. Not really a bad thing but it can be if you’re not quite ready to put all your cards on the table.

        Fox asked you the wrong question… but because he did ask, “Regularly?” there’s an implied thing that he didn’t pursue… but it might be running around in his head so you might wind up revisiting a few things around the use of that word.

        I might lose my man-card (again) but “regularly” is a red-flag word so when you’re talking to any man, be careful of how you use your words unless you happen to like drama.

        Yes, yes, we know you’d rather put Tony out of his misery but you haven’t – sorry, hon, but I’m just stating the facts as you’ve provided them. You know it’s not good to keep going with him but you can’t seem to leave him alone. Now, I ain’t saying that’s a bad thing because despite his faults, Tony brings you a lot of joy as well which is probably why you keep him hanging around despite having broken up with him. Handle your business but remember to be honest with yourself in the process – this is your PSA for today.

        Finally – and this one had me laughing – I’m no expert on BDSM but if you were on that cross and got fingered into a gushing orgasm, um, that’s sexual; just because he didn’t give you the high hard one doesn’t mean what he did do to you wasn’t sexual. I laughed because what you said reminded me of something a lot of guys say: “I didn’t fuck her – all she did was suck my dick so we didn’t have sex!”

        And that’s not exactly the truth, is it? Just another PSA about semantics, hon. I’m not busting your ass but just giving you a guy perspective about being careful how you say things; it’s not always what you say that might bring the drama, okay?

  4. And so continues the journey of exploration.
    It is only right in some way to be honest when it takes a serious turn. And truth be told, there hardly is a right time for it. But he took it well that is for sure.
    Second to that a weight has been lifted.

    Keep on smiling

  5. I’m thinking he might not be able to resist trying to seek out your blog at some point. I don’t think I would be able to resist, would you? Even if the intention is to resist, in a weaker moment of doubt, after a few drinks maybe… Whether there’s enough identifying details in it for him to find I don’t know, but are you prepared for it if he does?

    • I don’t think I could resist at all – there’s no way. Particularly if I felt someone wasn’t being completely forthright with me.

      He may look and I know that’s a risk I took. I asked him a couple of days ago if he told any of his friends he was dating a sex blogger and he said no, he was discreet. I told him I’d rather he didn’t tell anyone because I also didn’t want any of his friends trying to find me. He seemed perfectly fine with that.

      In some ways, I suppose I want to have the complete honesty I had with Johnny Id. It was amazing for someone to know all of these things about me and still love me and accept me. I get the sense, from what Fox has told me, he may be one of those men. Which is why I told him.

      It could end horribly I know. Especially if I keep writing about how much in love with Tony I am 😐

  6. I don’t get the play by play texters. Like, whatever, if you wanna tell me your every move, fine… But I hate when I say I’m at lunch and then get “who are you with? What did you order? Is it good? What are you doing now.” Sttttooooopppppp.

  7. I have to be honest. While I think it was good you were honest with Fox about sexual non-exclusivity and your blogging, you kept from him the one thing that potentially could matter even more–that you are in love with and been in and out of contact (both sexually and non-sexually) with Tony–a man who if he were to come back to you at some point and say he wanted to be with you and give you what you’ve asked for from him, you’d dump Fox to do it. That’s a shitty place for a person to be who clearly is developing an attachment to you.

    You gave Fox the honesty about where you are sexually, but not emotionally, and so while you gave him the opportunity to choose if he could handle the situation sexually, you have not given him the opportunity to handle the situation emotionally and protect his heart, which he absolutely should be given the choice to do given where (and with whom) *your* heart is.

    You say you didn’t tell Fox about Tony because he didn’t inquire about your “previous” relationship, but it’s disingenuous to say that, because you are still absolutely wrapped up in that previous relationship emotionally. If you would dump Fox to be with Tony if Tony came back and was ready for you, that’s something that’s extremely relevant.

    There’s a saying–never make yourself a priority to someone who only considers you an option. Fox has clearly made himself a priority to you, but in your heart he is still just an option, and Tony is still the option you would choose first.

    IMO, Fox has a right to know about your situation and feelings about Tony, so that he can figure out for himself what is the appropriate level of emotional vulnerability to allow himself with you at this stage. Otherwise, you could be setting him up to be potentially really hurt down the road, and that’s not fair to him.

    • I don’t disagree with you Jeff, but I know that there is absolutely zero chance that Tony is going to get where he needs to be in order for me to consider a relationship with him. So sure, technically you are correct, but it’s just not going to happen.

      I suppose if I thought it was different I wouldn’t approach Fox in the same way. But I don’t think Tony is a going concern. I hate to say it but when I’m feeling realistic, I think Tony will be an unrequited love. Perhaps forever.

      • Understood. But (at least as of date #5) with Fox you had again been in in contact with and slept with Tony. You even admitted after sex with Fox you couldn’t help but think of that morning and previous night’s sex with Tony.

        It’s not so much about whether Tony will actually ever “get there”, it’s about the fact that you are still very much in love with him. And even that wouldn’t necessarily be a problem if he was truly in your past and not your present. But he’s not. You’ve continued staying in and out of touch with him, both sexually and non-sexually, even as another relationship develops. This wouldn’t be a problem if he was just another FWB, but he’s not.

        So even if Tony never “gets there”, he still has a very strong pull for you, and as long this pattern repeats he’ll never truly be in the past. And at some point that’s going to become a problem, if not to Fox then whoever else might present themselves as a potential relationship.

    • Oh, and the other thing is there is a TON about Fox that’s really awesome and makes me feel wonderful. Things I didn’t get from Tony and probably won’t ever get. So Fox is hardly a consolation prize.

  8. To Tell or Not to Tell – that is the question all anonymous bloggers face. Before getting serious with the Hunter, I would mention that “I wrote an online diary” because that’s what my blog is for me. Nobody was curious when I phrased it that way. I now read all my posts to the Hunter and he kind of knows the name of my blog, but he also respects my privacy and doesn’t seek it out. I haven’t censored myself in any way and reading the posts are really, really helping him to understand me better. But you aren’t at point with any of your men, so I would suggest less is more with regards to the blog.

    As for your conversation about Fox being the only guy you are dating right now but you aren’t sexually exclusive — just keep in mind that people only hear what they want to hear. I will wager that in his mind he will gloss over your subtle semantics. Good luck!

  9. I THINK the guy I’m currently sorta seeing knows about the blog, in an abstract oh-yeah-that-sounds-familiar kind of way. I doubt he’s read mine. It’s not primarily about dating, though, so there’s no issue of privacy/disclosure related specifically to him.

  10. To be honest with you, Anne I really do feel scared and fed up with all those relationship stuff…No, not with your blog of course, and not with you!! But I have been going through these ups and downs with the guy I am dating and then reading stories of other bloggers and I come to a conclusion that it’s all very tiring and not worth spending the energy on. I wish I wasn’t in love…

  11. Ann, I have to ask – don’t you feel that what you told Fox here, is sort of the situation that you hate?

    As in you enjoy exclusivity, and you felt annoyed that Tony wasn’t giving you that. Or there were other situations, where you had interest in people, but you found them not to have interest in you exclusively. And you wanted to be the person that they thought of and longed for.

    Here in this situation (granted I havent’ read on) you’re telling Fox that you want to pursue something with him, but you’re not ready to have him be the only penis you see!

    Sorry I had to ask – I’ve been following along religiously, and this thought just popped up. Maybe I’m understanding it wrong – not trying to rock the boat. I swear! πŸ™‚

    • It’s a good question and I take no offense to it at all.

      I think the difference for me is that I want to be in a committed relationship. But on occasion maybe we play with others – together. It’s still a theory for me but it makes deciding to be exclusive less scary. I don’t want to end up in a sexless relationship again.

      The men I dated before weren’t interested in being a couple. They wanted to have multiple, separate, partners.

  12. Re: His only question: β€œso there’s a virtual me out there”, :/ I just read today’s post, I see what you mean and I know from looking into blog security, when people know there’s a block it’s kinda easy, unfortunate when they are a private diary, at some point I may have to be more careful.

      • I have to agree, we both follow (a lady I won’t mention here), I guess the reality is keep these as a personal private diary, and then I’m almost sure know one will find out!

        • Yes, although one key difference is while I may have curious lovers or friends, there aren’t any wives looking for me…I didn’t tell a married lover I was a blogger. That’s pretty dangerous, when things don’t go well.

          I’m not really afraid of anyone finding me with malicious intent, as I certainly wouldn’t mention my blog to anyone who I didn’t trust (or think I could). But I do know it’s happened to my friends. I know there’s a risk… and in this case, I was the one that told Fox about it. Obviously, that was a mistake… but on the other hand perhaps it was just as well that I found out these things when I did.

          • I’ve just put my name and WordPress combinations through Google search and nothing, I know there aren’t any angry women after me, but I have a supervisor who’s a bit of a cunt and stupidly I have………… anyways long story, perhaps tonight I’m a bit spooked and need to rationalize. Bye x

          • Sorry for stopping like that Ann very VERY rude of me. The story is, at work I once left the WordPress site on the screen, I know silly HOWEVER I was logged off so nothing has ever been seen. I’m not over worried I’ve blogged about escorting and I guess the worst that can happen is embarrassment……… escorting is legal in the UK, consensual and IMPORTANTLY over 18.

          • Here’s how I think about it:

            If people know your stories and they happen to search for things that are similar (like me and gang bangs) then it’s possible they will find you, even if they aren’t looking for you. Especially if they know / read blogs.

            If you’ve told someone you blog, they’re likely to look for you. If they know your stories and you are high up in the google searches, they are likely to find you.

            Until Fox, the only people who I told about my blog were some girlfriends who knew everything in it anyway (well, maybe except the sex toy I built). Jason also knows, but he’d be fine to read it all.

            I sure know now that I’m not telling anyone unless I’m comfortable with them reading every. single. word.

          • Ah I see now!! At work no one even suspects quiet nice sweet Andrew pays hookers so I guess they won’t put escort into an engine. I HAVE always been careful to keep that secret.

  13. I’ll leave it a while, have a good think, I shouldn’t have WordPressed at work and shouldn’t have called the blog using my name…….. I know I know very silly but when you start blogging you never know where you’ll end up!!!!!!!!

      • After 9 months blogging I’ve read bloggers write about how they’ve been discovered ALL are relationship based, the most upsetting was a husband finding his wife’s and she’d gone and written about separation. My advice to anyone starting DON’T tell another soul you blog and yes you’re right I’d guess the nosey sleuth would really have an idea what their looking for…………. It don’t happen by chance!

What do you think?