- I had an overnight with Tony after not seeing him for three weeks. I left Tony’s house to go to my parents, and then I…
- …had my fifth date with Fox at a sporting event.
- After that meeting, Fox got sensitive about asking for feedback and my feelings.
- We decided to talk about it at our next date the following Tuesday. This post is about that date.
Fox and I met after work at a hidden gem Mexican restaurant. Turns out it should remain somewhat hidden because it’s not a gem anymore. But (thankfully) that story is not the most interesting part of this blog post. I could write restaurant reviews but I don’t think that’s why you are here.
Each date with Fox gets a little better. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s opening up, or I’m getting more patient, but I don’t find the conversations as boring as they used to be. We had dinner and chatted mostly about his interests and then made our way back to my place.
We sat on the couch and I brought up our text conversation. One thing I will give the man credit for, he’s definitely open to talking about things. He said he was really only asking about sexual stuff and wanted to be sure I was telling him what I wanted and needed. He told me a story of a woman he dated a few times who he nicknamed “bad sex”, for obvious reasons. He said he just couldn’t “do it” anymore with her and had to say goodbye. He didn’t want either one of us to be unhappy with sex.
(And it’s for another post, but he pulled the “it’s not you it’s me” bullshit on her and didn’t unfriend her on facebook – which yes, means he friended her early on – and now she still texts him to ask to hang out because he said he could be friends with her. Sheesh.)
So, I told him a few things. Like when he said he wants to ravage me, I would like him to actually ravage me. Not take forever to get going and then take his time. Sometimes, sure, but not when that context is created. I said I would continue to give him feedback and I’m glad he was open to it.
I used the dating profiles example again and he complained that I don’t tell him much – in contrast, he tells me everything. Which is true; he’ll tell me exactly who he’s going out with and when, and even every meal he eats. I find it kind of annoying actually (seriously, I will get texts like “Anthony and I are having fish tacos” and I don’t even know who Anthony is). I explained I’m not the type to provide a play-by-play of my day but it doesn’t mean I don’t like telling him things.
I volunteered that I had also shuttered my dating profiles. He seemed quite chuffed; then I reminded him that hiding one’s dating profile is not the same as having an exclusivity conversation. That stopped him in his tracks, and I knew I had to explain. I had been thinking about how I could be honest while not scaring him or telling him something that could be a non-issue very shortly.
So, I told him he was the only person I was dating regularly. “Regularly?” he teased, and I said “yes, Fox, I used that word quite deliberately”. I told him I liked him and was curious about learning more and seeing where things went between us.
Then I took a deep breathe and said:
“I am not ready to be sexually exclusive, however. I have spent quite a while now exploring and I don’t want that to stop. Ultimately I would like to be with someone who is willing to explore with me. If I told you today I could be exclusive it would set me up to fail and/or lie to you. The reality is if the woman from the swingers club wanted to meet me, I’d ask you if you wanted to come along.”
While I knew this wasn’t what he wanted to hear, he took it well. Yes, I deliberately used a less threatening example. He didn’t say much in return but did kiss me passionately. We joked what I said couldn’t have been that bad because he didn’t run away.
I left him with the impression he was the only man I was seeing who I wanted a relationship with. I didn’t think I could or should describe Tony to him. He’s never asked what happened in my last relationship and that is certainly not the kind of thing I will volunteer unless it’s relevant or inquired about. I don’t think Tony is going to change and if for some reason I decided to try again with him, I would end it with Fox.
I don’t think I could continue to see both of them – it’s not right.
Fox took me upstairs, undressed me, said dirty things to me, and gave me a good seeing to. He couldn’t stay overnight given his teenager was at home, but he left fairly late. He’d told me he is the type to need some time to process things he’s heard, so I fully expected to get some conversation aftermath questions the next day. I was hoping they weren’t anything I didn’t want to answer.
I forgot probably the most important thing I told Fox that night: that I blog!
I used it as an example of how he doesn’t pick up on conversational cues. I said “I’ve said a few times I’ve written; aren’t you curious where I write?” He said “on paper?” and I said no, Fox, I write online. I’m a blogger.
I told him I have an anonymous blog and how important writing has been to me, and just like if he say my diary he wouldn’t pick it up and read it, I expect him to also not seek out my blog.
His only question: “so there’s a virtual me out there?” and I said “yes, there is”. And that was that.