Time to fess up | I lasted almost three weeks.

The Dom I spent some time on the St. Andrew’s cross with three weeks ago had continued to reach out to me. He checked in with me the day after and continued regularly for a few days. It’s called aftercare, and it’s to be expected.

But I found myself wondering whether there was more to it than that. So I asked, and we established he thought me to be gorgeous and he was interested in potentially playing with me more. If we were going to have penetrative sex, however, he needed to ask his wife and his girlfriend (he’s polyamorous) for permission.

Early last week he asked me if I planned to be at the sex / swingers club that Friday night. I actually had no plans on Friday night, so it was a possibility. He said he wanted to introduce me to his girlfriend and they would be there that night.

But that’s not who this post is about.

This post is about Tony.

As a refresher, here’s how my timeline has played out so far with Tony:

May 18 >> I decided to give Tony some space. My goal was to make it to June 5th; three weeks. I also needed to figure out how I felt about him.

May 31 >> Drunk and missing him terribly, I break my no-contact rule and call him, but we don’t see each other.

June 5 >>  I decide it’s time to say goodbye for a longer time and I see him overnight. Of course it’s wonderful. I read his phone and it’s a shit show but he says the right things and I think we are going to be okay.

June 6 >> I realize we aren’t going to be okay and we actually break up. For real, with a decision to reach out at the end of the summer and see where things are.

July 1 >> I miss Tony and want to know how he’s doing with everything, so I call him. I don’t expect to see him but he asks and we do and it’s amazing. I know nothing has changed but he says he wants to have dinner later that week and tell me what’s on his mind and why he’s confused and try to figure out a path forward.

July 8 >> We didn’t see each other, again because of an insane work schedule on his part. He’s beyond stressed – even more than usual – and by July 8 I tell him I can’t survive on his intentions and I’m going to go quiet again for a while. My goal is to give him until the end of August. I know that nothing will change by then but I do want to check in and see how he is.

July 13 >> I send him a quick text saying I hope that his work stuff got sorted out and that he’s okay.  I do not ask for, offer, or hope to see each other. We exchange maybe two messages – he’s having a horrible time and I ask if there’s anything I can do – he says he just wants to be alone. I was slightly snarky in my response saying I was sorry I asked and hope he worked his stuff out. That was the end of that and our texting history is once again deleted from my phone. Not seeing his name there helps me to not text him.

July 20 >> Tony sends me a text message apologizing for being curt with me the week before, and says he hopes I’m well. He adds that he appreciates all I do for him and who I am. I say thank you, we exchange a couple pleasantries and leave it at that.


I was on the fence about going to the swingers club that Friday night. I asked Fox if he wanted to go with me, but he had plans. I asked Jason, but he was travelling. I asked one of my FetLife partners but he was away. I had met some men on the swingers club meet up forums and was talking to them, but honestly I wasn’t overly keen about showing up with some random guy.

Yes, I’ve done it before, but I wasn’t really feeling like engaging with strangers.

Friday July 24

I was still on the fence about going. I was tempted to go alone and just meet the Dom and his girlfriend and not worry about finding a companion to go with.

My new project is really heating up and I’m loving it. I came out of a really important meeting, had done an amazing job, and was really pumped.

Coming off the adrenaline of the meeting, I sat in my office and pondered what to do about that evening.

What if Tony came with me

The thought snuck out before I could stop it. Tony had always wanted to go to a sex / swingers club. It was in his neighborhood.

I sat back in my chair, thinking about it. I may have even spoken aloud to myself.

It’s a dumb idea, Ann. What are you thinking?

I’m thinking it might be fun. I know it’s just sex. There’s no hope…

sorry for interrupting but really? honest? no hope? Dig deep and think about it.

(Insert thinking pause here)

No, actually nope at all that anything has changed. I know this deep down. I’m not clinging to any unspoken desire that I will call and he will say “OMG Ann I’ve suddenly changed and all is great!”.

Okay, well what are the reasons to not do it?

Um…it could be difficult in the aftermath. I always have a great time with him and it could hurt that he’s not ready. 

The club could be a bad idea.

I could be giving away what he should only have if he’s in a relationship with me. 

That’s about it.

What are the reasons to do it?

It would be fun. I trust him. The sex is great.

That’s about how my internal monologue went down. For several  minutes my analytical brain reviewed the different options. At my core, I wanted to ensure I wasn’t driven by neediness or frustration with Fox or a hope of a change with Tony. I looked deep down and realized nope – it was really just about a fun sexual night.

But then I wondered – would he even pick up the phone? Would he say yes?

I dialed his number:

“Hey this is Tony.”

“Hey Tony, it’s Ann.”

“Ann!! How are you? I was just about to call you!”

“You were? Why? You go first then.”

“I was just wondering how you were doing. I’m sorry again about a few weeks ago. It was insane. How are you doing? What’s up?”

“Ah, well, I know I’m failing at no contact – this is me not contacting you. Ha ha. But I was wondering what you are doing tonight…”

(Part two)

39 thoughts on “Time to fess up | I lasted almost three weeks.

  1. And another cliff hanger! You threw me off a little with your introduction, but yep, that’s what my guess was 🙂
    Ok, you’d given strong hints in comments to me, so it wasn’t all that hard 😉
    Looking forward to reading more about it, as usual!

    • It’s going to be three parts. I’m at 1,000 words again and it’s not even 9pm 🙂

      Now my decision is whether to put up the next one day or make everyone wait until tomorrow…

  2. I’m actually really glad you reached out to and had a great time with Tony (based on your comment at the end of the most recent Fox post). If it makes you happy to spend time with him, and as long as there is no painful hangover that becomes a funk, go forth and be a grown woman and enjoy the time you are able to spend with him.

    • Thanks Janelle – I’m not sure it’s the right decision… it doesn’t hurt at the moment but I know it’s an easy fall back into expectations and crushing disappointment. I’ve been doing pretty well making different decisions that are better for me.

      The jury is still out on this one.

      • Learning new habits and retraining ourselves requires practice and experimentation. This could be the time when you don’t fall back into expectations and are not disappointed. (I pep talk myself this way all the time; sometimes it even works!)

  3. Pingback: A brief Saturday update. | ann st vincent

What do you think?