I’m sure most of the women reading this are saying “yeah, bikini? so?”.
Let me rephrase: I bought my first bikini EVER.
Yes. I haven’t worn a bikini since I was a toddler.
I haven’t talked much about my past weight struggles on this blog. While I was never obese (well, I was according to BMI) my weight always fluctuated. When I was 14 I was 5’10” and 140 pounds…I had that long leggy look I wish I still had (Taylor Swift is that weight, for what it’s worth).
But then puberty did its thing with my hips and my relationships with men dictated whether I was heavier or lighter. I had a tendency to eat like they did and of course it didn’t work for my metabolism. At my heaviest in high school, I was the same weight I am today.
And because I’m trying to get over all this shit, I will tell you – right now I’m 5’10 and 185 lbs. There you go, blog friends. Even Will never knew how much I weighed. I am loathe to tell people because part of it is definitely because I am tall. But, like many other things, I’m conquering my fears and ramming through the walls they’ve put up like the bull-headed lady I am.
I was NEVER sporty. I was in theater, music, and student politics. So I didn’t even have a baseline level of fitness to fall back on. I went through periods of trying to exercise regularly but it never lasted. I would diet and then fall off the wagon. I lost weight in my later high school years, and then stabilized somewhat in College.
But it was the same story after I met Will. My weight went up and down, and about a decade ago I went on another very restrictive diet and the weight came off. After that, I stopped dieting. I started making better choices most of the time. My weight stabilized. I got better at being active more regularly (although it was still a challenge and very hit-and-miss). Will had horrible eating and exercise habits so I learned slowly I had to make better choices even when my partner wouldn’t.
Meeting Faraway Lover was an incentive for me to become more active at the gym. Yes, I was the classic person having an “affair” (I had permission) and starting to pay more attention to myself. I was determined to finally get into an exercise regimen and I had inspiration to do so. I worked with a personal trainer every week until my work schedule made it exceedingly difficult to do so.
Recently, I’ve been okay with food but not with exercise. My overall goal is to be fit enough to do the things my son wants to do with me – to not be the person who has to sit by the sidelines. So while it may seem small to those of you who grew up with sports and being active, for me, buying a baseball glove so Liam and I can play catch, getting a bike and going for rides with him, and taking tennis lesson… this is FUCKING HUGE.
Back to the bikini.
I’ve always thought about my body as a destination (that sounds really funny when I look at the words, but bear with me)… meaning, when I FINALLY get fit, THEN it will be good enough to wear a bikini. I realized this goes completely contrary to how I live the rest of my life – there’s no waiting for X to be achieved…my life is RIGHT NOW.
My bikini purchase started off innocently enough. A swimwear sale at my favorite online retailer caught my eye, and I wanted something other than a boring black bottom to wear the next time I went to the sex club. Yes, for real. I found something little and cute and then saw the matching top.
My initial response was “no way”. Which in turn got me thinking.
Although I haven’t posted the final part of my sex club story from last week, there was something about being completely naked and exposed in front of many strangers…and having them not only not run in horror, but also actually be turned on by seeing me, that made me realize maybe I was the one with the problem.
Johnny Id couldn’t believe I didn’t have a bikini and said if we were together and went shopping, he’d make sure I buy one.
Most men I’ve had sex with have adored it. Andrew told me to never lose weight. Lewis expressed amazement that I didn’t have an ass pic on my dating profile and said he was even more attracted to me when he saw it in person. Some men have worshipped it and wanted to take pictures so they wouldn’t forget it. In these moments, I think “are we actually looking at the same thing here?”
They can’t all be crazy or just trying to blow sunshine up it.
So I bought both top and bottom and then when it arrived I tried it on, expecting to hate how it looked. I didn’t.
It’s taken me a very long time, but I think I’ve finally come to terms with accepting how I look, right now. I still see the flaws in this picture. I still want to lose the weight that prevents me from fitting into some of my clothes, but I am going to wear this bikini on my upcoming beach vacation.
And I’m going to share it with all of you: