Selfie Sunday | I bought a bikini.

I’m sure most of the women reading this are saying “yeah, bikini? so?”.

Let me rephrase: I bought my first bikini EVER.

Yes. I haven’t worn a bikini since I was a toddler.

I haven’t talked much about my past weight struggles on this blog. While I was never obese (well, I was according to BMI) my weight always fluctuated. When I was 14 I was 5’10” and 140 pounds…I had that long leggy look I wish I still had (Taylor Swift is that weight, for what it’s worth).

But then puberty did its thing with my hips and my relationships with men dictated whether I was heavier or lighter. I had a tendency to eat like they did and of course it didn’t work for my metabolism. At my heaviest in high school, I was the same weight I am today. 

And because I’m trying to get over all this shit, I will tell you – right now I’m 5’10 and 185 lbs. There you go, blog friends. Even Will never knew how much I weighed. I am loathe to tell people because part of it is definitely because I am tall. But, like many other things, I’m conquering my fears and ramming through the walls they’ve put up like the bull-headed lady I am.

I was NEVER sporty. I was in theater, music, and student politics. So I didn’t even have a baseline level of fitness to fall back on. I went through periods of trying to exercise regularly but it never lasted. I would diet and then fall off the wagon. I lost weight in my later high school years, and then stabilized somewhat in College.

But it was the same story after I met Will. My weight went up and down, and about a decade ago I went on another very restrictive diet and the weight came off. After that, I stopped dieting. I started making better choices most of the time. My weight stabilized. I got better at being active more regularly (although it was still a challenge and very hit-and-miss). Will had horrible eating and exercise habits so I learned slowly I had to make better choices even when my partner wouldn’t.

Meeting Faraway Lover was an incentive for me to become more active at the gym. Yes, I was the classic person having an “affair” (I had permission) and starting to pay more attention to myself. I was determined to finally get into an exercise regimen and I had inspiration to do so. I worked with a personal trainer every week until my work schedule made it exceedingly difficult to do so.

Recently, I’ve been okay with food but not with exercise. My overall goal is to be fit enough to do the things my son wants to do with me – to not be the person who has to sit by the sidelines. So while it may seem small to those of you who grew up with sports and being active, for me, buying a baseball glove so Liam and I can play catch, getting a bike and going for rides with him, and taking tennis lesson… this is FUCKING HUGE.

Back to the bikini.

I’ve always thought about my body as a destination (that sounds really funny when I look at the words, but bear with me)… meaning, when I FINALLY get fit, THEN it will be good enough to wear a bikini. I realized this goes completely contrary to how I live the rest of my life – there’s no waiting for X to be achieved…my life is RIGHT NOW.

My bikini purchase started off innocently enough. A swimwear sale at my favorite online retailer caught my eye, and I wanted something other than a boring black bottom to wear the next time I went to the sex club. Yes, for real. I found something little and cute and then saw the matching top.

My initial response was “no way”. Which in turn got me thinking.

Although I haven’t posted the final part of my sex club story from last week, there was something about being completely naked and exposed in front of many strangers…and having them not only not run in horror, but also actually be turned on by seeing me, that made me realize maybe I was the one with the problem.

Johnny Id couldn’t believe I didn’t have a bikini and said if we were together and went shopping, he’d make sure I buy one.

Most men I’ve had sex with have adored it. Andrew told me to never lose weight. Lewis expressed amazement that I didn’t have an ass pic on my dating profile and said he was even more attracted to me when he saw it in person. Some men have worshipped it and wanted to take pictures so they wouldn’t forget it. In these moments, I think “are we actually looking at the same thing here?”

They can’t all be crazy or just trying to blow sunshine up it.

So I bought both top and bottom and then when it arrived I tried it on, expecting to hate how it looked. I didn’t.

It’s taken me a very long time, but I think I’ve finally come to terms with accepting how I look, right now. I still see the flaws in this picture. I still want to lose the weight that prevents me from fitting into some of my clothes, but I am going to wear this bikini on my upcoming beach vacation.

And I’m going to share it with all of you:

85 thoughts on “Selfie Sunday | I bought a bikini.

  1. You look amazing! The suit is super cute and fits you perfectly. Awesome strides in your self confidence Hon!

    So happy for you. You rock that suit and I hope you feel as fantastic as you look.

  2. You look lovely Anne. When I moved to California, the guys around me told me to get a bikini which I never imagined I’d wear. I’m 5’2″ and about 140. At first I felt self conscious but I’ve gotten so many complements that now I just feel hot in my (many) bikinis. Here all the girls wear bikinis, no matter your size, and everyone looks sexy in them. Being hot is not about size I’ve come to understand. It’s just about being comfortable in your body, taking care of yourself, making flattering fashion choices. Enjoy yourself in your new bikini!

  3. You look fabulous, Ann, I can’t believe you’ve never bought a bikini before! I wish I didn’t have so much grading to do…I’d get into my bikini and soak up some sun!

  4. Very nice. The thing to remember is there is a huge disconnect between what the fashion world and magazines portray as desirable and sexy, and what most red blooded heterosexual men actually find desirable and sexy. The fashion world is run by gay men, who choose female models and body types that resembles what *they* like–skinny boys.

    It’s no coincidence that two of the biggest female sensations in recent memory, Sofia Vergara and Kate Upton, are both women with serious curves and are not stick figures at all. Because that’s what we hetero guys like–women with real curves.

    • Thank you Josh. I know that there are men who don’t like my curves but they self-select by not reaching out to me online. I’m okay with that… I don’t expect everyone to like me… but I’ve realized there are plenty of guys who not only accept my curves, but actually really like them.

  5. You’re totally rocking that bikini! What prevents me from wearing a bikini is the stretch marks on my stomach from having children, so while I’m reasonably happy about my size and shape, I just feel so self-conscious about those and cover them up, and no amount of exercise or dieting will get rid of them. I wish I had the confidence to not worry about them, but I don’t! What I have instead is a couple of those swimsuits that have the cut away sides and back, so they’re alluding to being skimpy like a bikini, but there’s that front panel bit that covers up most of my stomach, the worst parts anyway, and actually from the back it does look like a bikini.

    • Thank you!! I know the kind of stretch marks you are talking about and lots of women are insecure about them. I have stretch marks from my weight gain last Fall but I know it’s not the same.

      I’m glad you’ve found something you are comfortable in and I’m sure you rock it as well 🙂

  6. Not bad at all; wondering why you were bugging about this but, okay,you’re a woman – and women love to bug about such things. Admittedly, I’m not crazy about the color… but the body inside the suit? Let’s just say that I approve and it works for me and in so many ways, okay?

    Okay!

  7. Ann, I was “sporty” but had weight problems (note that I didn’t battle…I surrendered). I am proud of you in all that you are doing for yourself! To quote the great Freddie Mercury, “Get on your bike and ride!”

  8. My first thought was “OMG I JUST BOUGHT MY FIRST BIKINI TOO!” But I then ran from that thought because I’m in my early twenties so it isn’t NEARLY as impressive as you but I still kinda feel the same way.

    I’m much shorter than you– 5’3 and at my heaviest I was 176lbs. So I was heavy. Most would say fat. I was fat most of my life. I was bullied a lot growing up. My weight was an issue that at the tender age of 9 I couldn’t figure out what to do with. The skinniest I was in highschool was 145lbs for about a year. By the end of highschool I was 176.

    My relationship with weight was very odd. Sufficed to say, I was very self conscious and had (still have) problems with my body.

    BUT! I changed my life a bit. Changed how I ate (not a diet, they didn’t work for me). I can’t eat like a normal person (I’m an endomorph) generally but I deny myself nothing. I just watch portion sizes and eat specific things during the day so I can be a little more free at night.

    I’m now 135lbs. I’m not skinny. I’m happy though. I look great in my clothing. I can drive guys crazy as is. I still have days when I look at the squishy bits of my stomach and think “WHY WORLD WHY?!” but those days are so much rarer now. I’m happy and even though I am not what I used to consider the perfect ‘bikini’ body, I bought one anyway. And I look awesome in it.

    And so do you. Completely beautiful and sexy. And womanly.

    I can only hope that when I am your age I can look as good.

    • Cherry – congratulations on your purchase as well 🙂
      Wish I could have done it at 20 because looking back I think I looked awesome then!!

      And I think that’s the best compliment a 20-something could give me 😀

  9. Well, I tried to buy a bikini. For the first time in years. Unfortunately, I was less successful than you.
    Ok, I am 5’8″ and probably 5lbs more than you. I don’t know for sure, as I haven’t weighed myself in quite a while, but yes. I’m overweight. I know it. And I’m learning to accept it.
    Add to that the stretchmarks from my pregnancies… I stopped wearing bikinis about 15 years ago.
    Plus, you know, I had someone at home who would complain if I didn’t cook nice meals, but would also tell me I looked horrible because I’d gained weight, so I didn’t quite have the confidence to wear bikinis.
    I’m starting to do better and was really hoping to buy one, but nothing I found fit both bottom and top. And I may not have been in the best of form as it was on the day I started to get sick.
    I haven’t found the strength to go back out there and look. I wish someone could come with me, but then I also know that this is a battle that I need to win by myself.
    When I came home from trying to buy one, I at least came home with nice underwear. Of course, I haven’t dared wear most of it since I would have felt I needed to throw them away a few days later, so it’s actually rather a good thing.
    Sigh! Yes, it’s a hard thing to do, getting over this body issue thingy.
    Well done you!
    Sigh! I think I need a hug now. :-/

  10. Thats awesome Anne, you look fab 🙂 I need to take a lesson. I am so self conscious and never feel good about myself. I’m 5’5. At my highest I was 175. I lost tons of weight and kept it off for about ten years. I’m now 125, but I still would never have the guts to put on a bikini. All I tend to see are my flaws.

  11. I think you look great, and just by your stance, the way your hand falls on your side, everything in this picture screams “woman.” Curves are beautiful. Embrace your body, and love it. It will love you back…

      • I am really enjoying your blog. I was in a similar place about 15 years ago so I can relate on many levels – I was just never brave enough to write about it. I crown you Queen of Suspense too. You always leave me wanting more. Did I really just say that?

        • Bwah ha ha!!

          In my sex life I’m the opposite of leaving them wanting more…I give them everything and hope they come back 🙂

          Perhaps it’s just me, but any blog post much longer than 1,000 words I get impatient with. I will sometimes write more than that here (a recent one was 1,400 words) but generally speaking I try to make them more consumable. Which I guess makes me a tease 🙂

          I’m so glad you are enjoying my blog. That makes me happy!! Do you ever want to write about it now, even though it was in the past?

  12. You look great! I’m 5’2 and currently weighing in at 142 (which is much heavier than I’d prefer) so I have some extra “bits” (I love this word) around the middle and my thighs are larger than I’d like (plus they rub together which I HATE). However, all that being said, I still wear a bikini (always have) and am more self conscious of those bits than ever BUT… I’m 46 and as I see it, I should be too old to give a shit and we need to rock our bodies and own them, because we are REAL women.

  13. While I may not take the time to comment (yes, I know that is selfish of me), I always enjoy your posts and the photos you share. You look good, I’m glad you felt that comfort to rock that bikini. Makes and old gent dream…. 🙂

What do you think?