Left to my own post-coital devices, I contact Tony (2)

[Part One]

Sorry about the cliffhanger…I had to sleep and decided to just post what I’d written instead of waiting.


In a comment on Part One, Dawn asked whether I was experiencing sub-drop. Certainly the feeling of fantastic sex then being alone is never good. In this case, the let-down was both emotional and physical.

I was unsettled at Lewis’s blatant disregard for my question about when I’d see him next. I was bothered he neglected to use a condom at one point. When I told him he was hurting me that morning (my cervix was fine the night before but was protesting at morning), he said “you’re going to take it all” and didn’t stop a thing. Disrespectful more than anything else.

None of that stuff felt good.

In addition, while Lewis was a great aggressive fuck, he wasn’t dominant the way I like. He didn’t kiss me hard on the back of my neck. He didn’t lace his fingers through my hair. He slapped my ass but it was a casual thing as part of a certain position, not the kind of smack followed by a rub followed by a smack.

Finally, I also foolishly thought we might have breakfast together. I knew he didn’t need to work that day and if I like someone, there is something great about some morning sex, making breakfast, and sex as dessert.

Which got me thinking about Tony. There was a tangible difference in the sex – Tony is deliciously dominant in his own way…and it comes out when he is particularly passionate so it is based in emotion. He usually stayed overnight, and some of our best dates were those that turned into breakfast or brunch and trying to eek out as much time together as we possibly could.

I also simply missed him. He was a daily part of my life for almost six months and I really wanted to know he was doing okay. I didn’t expect him to say “OMG Ann I’ve missed you so much I’m ready for you let’s get back together pronto”.

And in knowing it wasn’t what I expected, I knew I would be okay to call him and not be disappointed.


I let the phone ring and almost hung up. But he answered, sounding distracted. When I said “Hey Tony, it’s Ann”… he was immediately and obviously happy to hear from me.

We talked for almost an hour and as usual, I can’t recount everything and I’m sure I’m missing pieces. We covered the basics of work and kids. Somehow we got on to the topic of our last conversation. He said he wanted to send me an email because he felt like I accused him of things he didn’t do. We didn’t get into specifics.

I mentioned he hadn’t called me. He said he didn’t think I meant it when he said I could, given how angry I was. Fair enough. I corrected his belief.

I asked him how dating was going; saying I’d seen him on Plenty of Fish and while it felt odd at first, I knew he had to date. He said he hasn’t reached out to anyone – he had no time – but he went online to look at profiles every once in a while.

He said it felt very strange for me to ask him about dating. I, on the other hand, was fine with it. I told him I hoped he had a series of medicore dates.

He told me he wished I wasn’t his first, first date. He’d hoped I was bad – hated dogs or was mean or some other major character flaw. He was completely unprepared to meet me.

He told me he wished I’d known that even when he wasn’t in contact with me, he was thinking about me. Or thinking about texting me. He told me he thought of me often and wondered what I would do in the situations he found himself in. He admires me and it was clear from his words.

He was very, very, complimentary. I felt like he was making a point of telling me nice things. It was clear to me how much he had missed me. And not lost on me that he’d done nothing about it except think.

We joked about my not lasting even one of the three months of space I was going to give him. I explained I figured there would be three outcomes at the end of the summer:

  1. He will fall in love with someone else who will move the needle for him and get him to a place where he can commit. I said that would gut me, but I would be happy for him.
  2. I will fall in love with someone else.
  3. He won’t have made any progress whatsoever and wouldn’t even realize three months had passed.

We both agreed #3 was most likely. He said he was probably going to be a hermit and watch TV and work and do nothing else; sometimes not being in any relationships at all was the most appealing option for him.

The conversation was effortless, as always.

He asked me whether we could go for a drink that night.

I told him it would be very hard for me to see him when I knew he couldn’t be “all in”. I was willing to be all in with him but it was too hard when he wasn’t in the same place. I knew seeing him would be fantastic and it would be too confusing for me to go back to the way things were, and I said so.

In that moment, I knew I would be okay with continuing to give him space. It truly was a “check-in” call and I knew where he was (the same place, other than realizing how much he missed me) and could get back to moving on.

I asked him whether he wanted me to continue to give him space. He said no. Of course he did – why wouldn’t he want to have me with him with none of the change required on his part? He said he was confused. He didn’t know what to do. He’d listened to so many of the things I’d told him and didn’t know what he wanted.


I reiterated my understanding of the process he was going through and explained it’s why I wasn’t angry with him (the only thing that made me angry was his deception early on). I told him a little bit more about my journey. I told him about breaking up with Johnny Id because I wasn’t in the right space yet to commit to a relationship. I told him a bit about my sexual exploration.

He asked me whether we could see each other that night.

I had no plans.

Could I see him and come out okay on the other side?


[Part three]

47 thoughts on “Left to my own post-coital devices, I contact Tony (2)

  1. “When I told him he was hurting me that morning (my cervix was fine the night before but was protesting at morning), he said “you’re going to take it all” and didn’t stop a thing. ”

    I’m sorry but with a big dick comes responsibilities and Lewis seems to be a little short in that respect. To me the object is to give your partner as much pleasure as possible and while he may be hitting your cervix, he doesn’t seem to be hitting the mark! I would think that it’s pretty obvious what you need and he should be giving that to you.

    • I tend to agree. I suspect I gave him the impression that I could handle it all – which in the evening was true but the next morning it was different. And he was definitely not sensitive to that.

      • No, no, no don’t start thinking that. He’s well aware that he’s big and should be treating you better. I’m sure that he’s got a few inches on me and I know how I am and what I can do. For a girl whose not used to serious dick then the guy has to be careful, no matter how much they beg and it doesn’t sound like you were begging to be pounded. If every time he screws you, you are out of commission for 2-3 days, that doesn’t sound like fun. Cause if it was me then that would be 2-3 days that I couldn’t be banging you. 🙂

    • Well, I agree with Larry and ‘Kdaddy… bigger ain’t always better. That’s why bigger scares me. 🙂
      I’m pretty sure I would have had a very different reaction to Ann’s when face with him the first time!

      • Properly handled, a big dick is most girl’s dream and I’ve watched my wife swoon over 10+ inches to know it’s true. But if all he wants to do is get in and pound away, that’s not going to work most of the time.

        • My experience with guys (at least when I’m still in a thinking state, so bear in mind that it still doesn’t amount to much) is that they often think they are bigger, better than the next guy.
          My experience with guys who actually are bigger is split in two categories. The guy who thinks that because he has a bigger dick, he is all powerful and that simply sticking it in will magically make you swoon, and the guy who is humble, doesn’t brag about the size of his dick and just focuses on other, much more important things, like making sure you enjoy yourself and knowing that just rubbing it in may not be enough. Ok, I may be harshly biased, because I’ve been with smaller dicks to very pleasant outcomes, and with someone whose dick was very long but average girth… and it didn’t do anything for me. Maybe because he refused to perform oral, or even use his fingers, which could have helped, frankly.
          So I totally agree that the get in and pound away doesn’t work. And this guy thought he was such a catch, and thought I must somehow be strange that I’m not magically coming from his pounding. Really, in the end I was lying there, I felt like a hole and I’m sure he had as much chance at making his blow-up doll come as he had a chance of me coming. And I know it’s not all on me now, because I don’t need much to get there. But obviously, that was too much for him, that his magic wand wasn’t magic…

  2. I 200% agree with Larry; dudes with big dicks tend to use them more as weapons than a precision tool. Bigger ain’t always better but it is painful and potentially damaging.

    And why am I not surprised that on the heels of this… debacle, you’re talking to Tony – again?

  3. It comes up the first time someone comments (I approve all first comments) and sometimes it happens later, perhaps if there’s a change on the blog / email address / something else.

  4. Ann…looking forward to part three. Have so many comments to write but I have no clue where to start…From the sex club(I think you should of left the pic up, it is your blog), to Lewis (what a disappointment he was), and now Tony (need p3)…So I hope we get part 3 today…Just out of curiosity, do you regret anything in the last two weeks?

    • Get writing 🙂

      I will write about the sex club, I’m still a couple days behind my sex club visit! Working on it…

      Part 3 coming soon. Might be tomorrow; depends if I can get to writing in the next 12 hours.

      Do I regret anything? Yes. I wish I hadn’t said anything about my sex drive and being kinky to Lewis. It would have at least eliminated one possible reason things ended up as they did.

      • I think you shouldn’t regret that. The way he handled you was a choice of his, nothing you did or said could have changed that. He’s a dick, a big one at that 😉

        • I regret it because I didn’t have to say it. It was impulsive and in the moment, and unnecessary.

          I’m not thinking it would have changed anything, but at least it would have eliminated my fear that I said something that made it happen.

          • You never have to say anything. We could all choose to go around silent. However, as a social species, we built a need to communicate. You didn’t just blurt it out like that, over dinner. No, you were in a sexually laden situation when you said it. It was part of the moment. That’s it 🙂
            I’d advise to not sweat it, but I know it’s typically the sort of thing that is easier said than done!

  5. OMG u are on a roll with the cliff hangers today lol. I’m glad you got to discuss things and it seemed relatively positive even though it wasn’t 100% what you might have hoped for. Can’t wait for part 3 ☺️

  6. “When I told him he was hurting me that morning (my cervix was fine the night before but was protesting at morning), he said “you’re going to take it all” and didn’t stop a thing. ”

    Is that not bordering on being non-consensual?!?

    • Well, we’d been having pretty rough sex and I think there’s a fine line… I hadn’t said “no, seriously, you need to back off”. He could definitely have been more sensitive but it wasn’t non-consentual.

  7. Just go see him and enjoy! Life is too short to not enjoy it! Im in the same situation and I fall for him each and every time again! He missed you and it is clear he doesnt want to be in relation right now, but you can both each others company and the sex! That’s what I do as well! Follow your heart and see where it leads you together!

    • Marielle, I appreciate that you are in the same boat and it’s what you do, but it’s actually not something I can do.

      I’m in love with him. Being with him and not getting what I need or want is actually damaging and hurtful. I can’t enjoy his company and sex in a casual way – I care too much about him for that. I can’t be all in with someone who doesn’t make the same kind of effort.

      And frankly, it gives him no incentive to make any changes or different decisions if he has me all the time without my asking for more. Doing that just reinforces his existing behavior as something I will accept.

      I followed my heart for months and where it led me was hurt and building resentment. There’s no question in my mind I’m in love with him, but the timing is wrong.

      Perhaps someday, but not today.

  8. Honestly, I think there’s something genuine in there with Tony. However, as you said, he’s just not in the right place yet. At least he seems more willing to express the truth in that than he was previously. I would have a terrible time turning down the chance to see him, were I in your shoes. I would do it, without a single thought to what the outcome for me would be. Remembering you’re human goes a long way in these situations. I hope it was good for you. 🙂

    • There is definitely something genuine with him. I do believe he cares very deeply for me. He has the right intentions but no capacity to act on them. It makes me very sad 🙁

      As you say, he’s not in the right place and there’s nothing I can do to accelerate his progress.

      If it’s meant to be, it will happen… I do believe that.

      And yes, I did remember to be human which definitely guided my decision whether to see him…

  9. Well… You know what I think about Lewis.
    As for reaching out to Tony… it sounds like it was a good thing, you got some answers, so did he… waiting for part 3 😉

  10. Two things: 1) Lewis was a jerk. 2) You are a strong woman for trying to avoid Tony when you’re both not in the same place, of course I haven’t read part three yet…

  11. I see some amazing emotional forward movement on your part here! Understanding that however disappointing it isn’t his fault that he isn’t where you need him to be right now and that he WANTS to be where you are – it just takes time. Grief is a process and he is working through his too. xo

  12. So I’ve just been a lurker up until this point but I just have to chime in here, I am really rooting for Tony. It is obvious how smitten you are with him and I think he is with you as well. And that is a huge thing in this me, me, me age. I’ve been married for 23 years and would LOVE LOVE to have the chemistry you and Tony have with my Hubs. Damn it I need this to work. Lol

    • Thanks for coming out of the lurking 🙂

      As much as I’m cynical about it, I’m rooting for us too at some level. I’m sorry to hear you don’t have the chemistry. I’m not sure how you can maintain it, honestly. But I know what he and I have is awesome and wish he was in a different place.

      I will do what I can not to let you down!

  13. “In this case, the let-down was both emotional and physical.

    I was unsettled at Lewis’s blatant disregard for my question about when I’d see him next. I was bothered he neglected to use a condom at one point. When I told him he was hurting me that morning (my cervix was fine the night before but was protesting at morning), he said “you’re going to take it all” and didn’t stop a thing. Disrespectful more than anything else.

    None of that stuff felt good.”

    And yet you still want to see him again? Ah the power of oxytocin and an enormous cock

What do you think?