Sorry about the cliffhanger…I had to sleep and decided to just post what I’d written instead of waiting.
In a comment on Part One, Dawn asked whether I was experiencing sub-drop. Certainly the feeling of fantastic sex then being alone is never good. In this case, the let-down was both emotional and physical.
I was unsettled at Lewis’s blatant disregard for my question about when I’d see him next. I was bothered he neglected to use a condom at one point. When I told him he was hurting me that morning (my cervix was fine the night before but was protesting at morning), he said “you’re going to take it all” and didn’t stop a thing. Disrespectful more than anything else.
None of that stuff felt good.
In addition, while Lewis was a great aggressive fuck, he wasn’t dominant the way I like. He didn’t kiss me hard on the back of my neck. He didn’t lace his fingers through my hair. He slapped my ass but it was a casual thing as part of a certain position, not the kind of smack followed by a rub followed by a smack.
Finally, I also foolishly thought we might have breakfast together. I knew he didn’t need to work that day and if I like someone, there is something great about some morning sex, making breakfast, and sex as dessert.
Which got me thinking about Tony. There was a tangible difference in the sex – Tony is deliciously dominant in his own way…and it comes out when he is particularly passionate so it is based in emotion. He usually stayed overnight, and some of our best dates were those that turned into breakfast or brunch and trying to eek out as much time together as we possibly could.
I also simply missed him. He was a daily part of my life for almost six months and I really wanted to know he was doing okay. I didn’t expect him to say “OMG Ann I’ve missed you so much I’m ready for you let’s get back together pronto”.
And in knowing it wasn’t what I expected, I knew I would be okay to call him and not be disappointed.
I let the phone ring and almost hung up. But he answered, sounding distracted. When I said “Hey Tony, it’s Ann”… he was immediately and obviously happy to hear from me.
We talked for almost an hour and as usual, I can’t recount everything and I’m sure I’m missing pieces. We covered the basics of work and kids. Somehow we got on to the topic of our last conversation. He said he wanted to send me an email because he felt like I accused him of things he didn’t do. We didn’t get into specifics.
I mentioned he hadn’t called me. He said he didn’t think I meant it when he said I could, given how angry I was. Fair enough. I corrected his belief.
I asked him how dating was going; saying I’d seen him on Plenty of Fish and while it felt odd at first, I knew he had to date. He said he hasn’t reached out to anyone – he had no time – but he went online to look at profiles every once in a while.
He said it felt very strange for me to ask him about dating. I, on the other hand, was fine with it. I told him I hoped he had a series of medicore dates.
He told me he wished I wasn’t his first, first date. He’d hoped I was bad – hated dogs or was mean or some other major character flaw. He was completely unprepared to meet me.
He told me he wished I’d known that even when he wasn’t in contact with me, he was thinking about me. Or thinking about texting me. He told me he thought of me often and wondered what I would do in the situations he found himself in. He admires me and it was clear from his words.
He was very, very, complimentary. I felt like he was making a point of telling me nice things. It was clear to me how much he had missed me. And not lost on me that he’d done nothing about it except think.
We joked about my not lasting even one of the three months of space I was going to give him. I explained I figured there would be three outcomes at the end of the summer:
- He will fall in love with someone else who will move the needle for him and get him to a place where he can commit. I said that would gut me, but I would be happy for him.
- I will fall in love with someone else.
- He won’t have made any progress whatsoever and wouldn’t even realize three months had passed.
We both agreed #3 was most likely. He said he was probably going to be a hermit and watch TV and work and do nothing else; sometimes not being in any relationships at all was the most appealing option for him.
The conversation was effortless, as always.
He asked me whether we could go for a drink that night.
I told him it would be very hard for me to see him when I knew he couldn’t be “all in”. I was willing to be all in with him but it was too hard when he wasn’t in the same place. I knew seeing him would be fantastic and it would be too confusing for me to go back to the way things were, and I said so.
In that moment, I knew I would be okay with continuing to give him space. It truly was a “check-in” call and I knew where he was (the same place, other than realizing how much he missed me) and could get back to moving on.
I asked him whether he wanted me to continue to give him space. He said no. Of course he did – why wouldn’t he want to have me with him with none of the change required on his part? He said he was confused. He didn’t know what to do. He’d listened to so many of the things I’d told him and didn’t know what he wanted.
I reiterated my understanding of the process he was going through and explained it’s why I wasn’t angry with him (the only thing that made me angry was his deception early on). I told him a little bit more about my journey. I told him about breaking up with Johnny Id because I wasn’t in the right space yet to commit to a relationship. I told him a bit about my sexual exploration.
He asked me whether we could see each other that night.
I had no plans.
Could I see him and come out okay on the other side?