Left to my own post-coital devices, I contact Tony (3)

[Part One | Part Two]

I decided to buy myself some time. I was seeing my friend Katharine and her children that afternoon and wasn’t sure when they were going to leave. I told Tony I would text him later in the day and let him know if I was able to see him.

Did I want to? Yes?

Did I think I should? Ummmmm…

Ultimately I decided to go for it. He suggested a beer on a patio which I figured would be innocuous. It wasn’t drinks at my place; I knew where that would end up. Or more precisely, where we would end up.

And what if we had sex? Did it change anything about where his head was at? No. I was NOT fooling myself. Not at any level.

I texted him to tell him I would be free. He was delighted.

And then in typical Tony fashion, this:

6:30pm I text to ask where he wants to meet and when. He says he has to work for a bit. No problem. I’m used to that.

7:30pm he texts to ask if 8:30 at my place is okay. I say sure – so much for the safe plan of a beer on a patio.

8:15pm he texts to say he is running late and 9pm is more realistic. I don’t have the heart to tell him I’d already assumed he’d be late.

8:45pm he calls me to tell me he is having bad stomach pain and is in the fetal position. He’s going to give himself 15 minutes to feel better and will advise me shortly what he’s going to do.

I sigh. This all feels so normal. Not in a good way.

8:55pm he says he’s jumping in the shower and will see me soon.

By 9:30pm he’s knocking on my door. He no longer felt comfortable enough to just come in. I was strangely comforted and saddened.

He greeted me with a quick kiss on the mouth and a long hug. We went to our default positions in the kitchen and I started making him a cup of herbal tea. He explained he wasn’t feeling 100% but knew if he cancelled on me, since I had called him after a month and allowed him to come over, he’d be in huge trouble. He was right.

Then he grabbed my hand and pulled me to him. Sitting on my kitchen stool, he rested his head on my collarbone and gave me a long, tight hug.

And my insides went all mushy.

And I knew in that moment I would have him in my bed later, and it would be amazing.

We moved to my couch and talked.

At some point, he kissed me, and then it was all over.

::

If sex with Tony and Lewis was a pairs skating competition, Lewis might get the technical marks. But Tony is all artistry. From that first bite on my shoulder as he grabbed me hard, Lewis’s big black cock was forgotten. I would take Tony every day over Lewis. Love makes all the difference.

The man knows how to move. He knows what I like. He is keenly dedicated to bringing me pleasure. He listens to me. And every time I open my eyes, there he is, his big beautiful brown eyes staring down at me, intently looking. When he takes my finger in his mouth (and in writing this, I don’t even have to close my eyes to picture what his face and mouth look like when he does it) I feel the electricity everywhere.

Earlier that day on the phone, Tony told me I was the only person who truly understood him. I was the only one he could fall asleep with and be comfortable.

It’s tempting to fall back on these words. To get sucked in to the comfort of the connection we share. But even in the throes of passion, I told myself this wasn’t going to last. Nothing had really changed. I had to remember that.

I may have said this before, but a couple of my dating stories have been published in a newspaper. I submitted one about Tony’s and my first date which will also be published, and I decided to tell him. I told him I’d been writing (he said “oh you’re just like Carrie on Sex and the City!” – little does he know) and had printed off the first date piece for him to read.

You might think I’m crazy, but I also gave him a second piece…the words from my heart. I was incredibly nervous to show him, and relieved when I could see from his expressions just how much he loved it. I wanted him to understand.

I fell asleep like I always do with him, connected.

::

The alarm went off at 5:45. We’ve learned to have a built-in sex time buffer before he has to leave. We used it all. I almost didn’t want to have sex with him again because I knew I had to distance myself. But because I knew it, I figured it was half the battle.

When we were done, lying side by side, I inquired what was next for us. I said “oh Tony, what on earth am I going to do with you?” Reiterating he didn’t want me to go back to no-contact, he asked whether we could go for dinner and talk, and try to find a way forward. I said I would do that if he would actually talk to me and tell me what was in his head.

He agreed.

He left and I found myself once again laying in bed, pondering the previous night and morning’s activities.

What the fuck was I going to do now? I knew nothing had changed for him other than he seemed to really miss me. But he wasn’t declaring some big change. He hadn’t even gone on a date yet.

But that siren song of promise and intention…I knew it would be the death of me. I needed to know what he had to say. I had to see him again.

26 thoughts on “Left to my own post-coital devices, I contact Tony (3)

    • Then the next post I’m writing will probably make you cringe.

      Yes, it should be way less hard than it is. But it’s not hard when we are together; it’s almost effortless. Which makes things so much worse.

  1. Ugh. At the risk of sounding repetitive, I feel that he does care for you. Perhaps he doesn’t trust himself to be in love again right now or, at the very least, isn’t comfortable with declaring something so… so…committing. Probably he is enjoying the freedom of answering to no one (which, admittedly, can be quite intoxicating) and maybe there’s some fear around commitment that would take that away. Nevertheless, and I’m sure you’ve already thought of this, I also believe that you’re not going to get very far until HE seeks YOU out first and wants to have “the conversation.” It’s the only way you will know for sure that he’s ready and willing to be all that you’re asking.

    Effortless when you’re together is a REALLY good thing, though. Now, to bridge the gap between “together” and “apart.”

  2. Good luck to you. He does in fact seem like a mystery, but I have to agree with Taraka. I think he does care for you, but is enjoying the freedom. As someone who can have a really really hard time making decisions about and for myself when important people are involved, I can understand. I know that I am insecure and want to do what is best for others before myself…but then I realize that I have my own interests and desires. There is a fierce internal battle that takes place, that looks to the outside world like aloofness or detachment. I can’t jump in to anything with both feet in situations like that because I’m balancing what I think others want with what I think I want, and am trying to figure it out. I don’t know if that’s his issue, but it sounds kind of familiar. Good luck!

    • It does sound very much like it’s his issue… I don’t write about everything we say to each other but yes, he’s spoken of that kind of internal struggle.

      I have to realize he’s enjoying that freedom even if he’s not doing with it what I think he should.

      • If he’s anything like me, and that’s a HUGE if, he struggles with it all the time, but isn’t likely to let you really know about it till he’s 10000% sure that he can trust you with his feelings. I quite honestly didn’t even realize my own behavior until I went through an affair and counseling…till I was able to take a step back and examine what I do and why. To this day I still struggle with it. There is what I want (which I’m not always sure of), what I think others want, and what I think I should do. The battle between the three is fairly constant, when there is any conflict. Rather than have that battle in the open (because it is entirely psychological) I become kind of detached, diffident, somewhat moody and melancholy. It makes me seem unclear in my intentions, or reluctant, and makes me want to push off the decision till the last minute possible, and often means I miss doing things because I late circumstance drive the bus. I see the similarity between Tony and I because of his aloofness, and because of his passion toward you when you actually are together. When I am with someone, I am with them 1000% percent, and am laser focused on them. It just can be hard to get me there.

        • This really helps, thank you. I know he and I are wired very differently so it’s hard to read. So many people just say “well if he doesn’t act a certain way it means he doesn’t like you”, where what I see (not just because it’s what I want to see) is someone who is truly conflicted, gets overwhelmed at decisions, prefers to not be in control because he can’t make mistakes that way (he said that to me once), etc., etc.

          I do think some of what I’m seeing is situational but definitely some of it is just who he is.

    • Wow. That “fierce internal battle… that looks to the outside world like aloofness or detachment.” That is so me – or so always had been me – in perfect words. Seriously, I’m blown away at this assessment, because I’ve never been able to put it into words so clear and concise. Never was self aware enough to even realize it was what i was doing.

    • I suspect that’s part of it. I know he’s waffling between the freedom he now has (from everything) and all the great things I bring to his life. The core issue as I see it is that while he needs time, it’s much more time than I can wait, and he may never get there.

      As my therapist said, some of the issues with his communication and ability to be “all in” could be situational, or it could be just who he is. It’s hard to know how much of it is one or the other… only time will tell.

      But I can’t wait for him – or at least, I have to move on in the interim. Who knows what the future will hold.

  3. Anne. Great post. I identify with your struggle. Brief moments of clarity where it should all be so simple. “I love you. You love me. Let’s make it work. Love wins”. Alas shit starts happening, fear insecurity, doubt. and the moment of clarity is gone. I have some friends that did this for almost 20 years. Finally they married at age 55 and are very happy together.

    • My Mom told me when I started dating that timing was everything – and it’s especially true at my age when I could date 10 men all the same age and all looking for different things.

      The bottom line is he’s just not in any place where he can move forward, and I’m not willing to sacrifice so much of what I need in a relationship, when there’s no real promise things will change.

  4. This sounds all very familiar, but in the end he makes you happy and that is what is important. I wish it all the luck and hope he figures out what he wants, what he has, what he can lose or better said, what he doesn’t want to lose?!?!

    What is going on with his pot smoking? I know in the past you said he was a huge pot guy. Is this still his thing? Does he do it when with you? It sort of sounds from being a ex huge pot smoker, that he gets high and gets into his work. He can sit back and focus on it and forget about all other things. He thinking about things but does not have the motivation to act. He basically takes care of the things of the “have to do’s” and then gets high.

    • Hey Fred. The problem is that he makes me happy when I’m with him. When I’m not with him, it’s like I exist only after he’s dealt with the things that stress him out. And he gets stressed pretty easily. My ability to deal with shit exceeds his, which I also find frustrating (I just think – well shit, just do X then Y then Z and your problem is solved).

      He is a daily pot smoker and has been for a long time. He says it helps him focus instead of taking him off track. But I know there are times where what he needs is just to smoke and sit in front of his TV and not worry about anything. His need to do that, again, is stronger than mine (minus the pot smoking!).

  5. Oh Love! That feeling, where you open your eyes and he’s there, watching you back!
    Ugh!! I want to feel it again too!
    I too have had these moments when all of a sudden, everything stops and I can *see* his smile, or the way he’s looking at me. Sigh!
    I’ll know more tomorrow night. As for you… I’m sending hugs! It must be awful knowing what you want with this man and knowing he isn’t able to give it to you, at least not yet.
    Who am I kidding. I know *that* bit too :-/
    Though, unlike you, I haven’t communicated yet on the things I would like… One day I’ll get brave 🙂

    • Oh honey you can be brave!! You are surviving quite a bit these days, it’s got to be very difficult. One step at a time.

      And yes, it’s really bad. But what helps is knowing that there isn’t really any chance that he can be / do what I need. I’m not hoping for something that is impossible and I’m okay with moving on (as I was before) in my life.

      I will likely reach out to him again at the end of the summer, as i originally planned. I doubt anything will change but I do care about him and want to know how he’s doing.

      • I’m so sorry for your pain – I can feel it and just wish I could make it better. Wish TONY knew how to make it better. Even as an outsider, I can see the tug-of-war he has going on in his world. I’m so impressed with your fortitude and ability to reflect and know you are still fabulous and deserve nothing short of wonderful and lasting love. {{HUGS}}

  6. DAmmit, I liked Tony a lot. And I can see why you like him a lot. I have strong thoughts about the whole relationship, but alas its too late now.

    When I read this post, one thought just popped into my head, Tony is like a drug you gotta have. He’s good, but in the end you’ve made up your mind that he’s doing more harm than good!

    • I liked him too, obviously. There’s always going to be a part of my heart reserved for him. I doubt I will ever experience chemistry like that again… which is very difficult to give up. Obviously.

      But yes, although in the past I would have continued with him longer, I knew I just couldn’t make the same choice again. I tried so many times to make it work. But bottom line was he couldn’t give me what I need.

What do you think?