My bed smelled like Tony and I didn’t want to leave it. We had left each other that morning with a promise of dinner and a talk; Saturday night was a potential but he said it would depend how work went.
He had two overnight shoots the next two nights and I knew it was unlikely I’d hear much from him. I sent him a meme about coffee (don’t ask) and instead of his usual tactic of ignoring my texts, he said “Can’t text right now; talk later or tomorrow. Will text you when done.”
This seemed like progress, or at the very least, consideration. I was pleased by the small gesture.
He was shooting in a very bad area of town and promised to tell me when he was done. Which he did. We had some infrequent texting that day and the next. He told me when he was signing off – again, an unusual but appreciated move.
He shot a commercial; I went for dinner with a girlfriend and then to a sex club (story to follow).
Saturday morning at 8am I asked if he was okay. No response.
I’d gotten to thinking about the things I’d told him. I realized I may have left him with two mistaken impressions. The first was I’d told him I understood walking away from a relationship when you just aren’t ready. When you still have things to explore. I had done it myself with Johnny Id.
But what I realized is if I’d met Tony a year ago and the roles were reversed, I’m not sure I would have walked away. I don’t think I could have ignored our connection and how easy things are when we are together.
The second was I realized we had been talking about a decision to get back together as if it was the last relationship decision we would ever make. I don’t want him to make a promise to be with me forever. I just want him to jump in with both feet and see where things go.
It became very important for me to tell him these things.
Saturday at 11am I suggested a plan for that night. He said he was still recovering and it was too early to call; he may just be sleeping.
Just before 2pm he said “Ann I think I need to lay low and recover tonight. I don’t think I will be very good company. Exhausted.”
I told him I understood but the next night I was free was ten days away. He said the next few days were going to be rough anyway. I said I would adjust my head to not see him in the next bit, and that I had some things I needed to tell him. I also invited him to my next party and also to a big sports event in my city.
It was dopey to do that. I suppose I knew there would be very little chance he would say yes (he declined both due to existing or pending work). But at my core, I want to spend time with him.
I tried to talk to him that afternoon but he didn’t respond. I ended up going on a first date that night (story to follow) but before I left, I let him know I was free the next day until late that afternoon. He said he would call me in a half an hour and I had to tell him that didn’t work because I was going for dinner. I texted him when I got back from my date at 11pm and he was falling asleep and asked to speak the next day.
Sunday I’d heard nothing by noon, so I called him. No answer. He called me later to say the timing wasn’t going to work; he had work he had to do. I tried to see if he would come over after Liam was asleep. Short version of the story? No.
We did talk on the phone and I told him those two things above. He said he understood about the first, but he did think about his decision as if it was for a lifetime. He suggested it was the romantic in him. I told him if we decided to be back together again I had no idea if it would last for four weeks or four months or four years or forty. We just can’t know but the decision would be to take each day at a time.
He still wanted to meet for dinner, but we had no firm date. Wednesday was a potential.
That was Sunday before bed.
I received nothing from him on Monday.
Nothing from him on Tuesday.
Tuesday before bed I asked him why he hadn’t texted me. Instantly he responded with “my computer got stolen out of my car. I’m dying. I do not even have second outside of my three jobs right now”.
I happened be online on POF at the time. As he’s still on my favorites list, I saw he’d been active on the site earlier that evening.
It wasn’t that I don’t want him to date. I really want him to date. But I figured if he had a second to be on POF he had a second to text me. I didn’t mention it. I offered to help with anything relating to his computer. He actually thought to ask how I was doing and finished by saying he was sorry but he was beyond frazzled.
Wednesday was the other potential night we were going to have our dinner. While I suspected it wasn’t going to work, I still wanted him to let me know. So at 6pm I said “I assume tonight doesn’t work since I haven’t heard from you?”. He said “No. Horrible. Dying honestly.”
While I know giving him a hard time may not have been the right course of action, honest to god there is always something with him. Work or dog or something getting all fucked up in his life. I’d had enough. I’d woken up that morning thinking about his being on POF – and not even dating, which as least would have made it better. I couldn’t get it out of my head that he was online there and not even having the courtesy to text me.
So, I took a deep breath and typed this:
“Okay. BTW I went into POF and saw you’d been online yesterday. And you wonder why I think I’m nowhere near a priority for you. I know you’ll say something like it was only 30 seconds but that’s all it would take for you to send me a text.
I can’t survive on your intentions, but I care far too much about you to say goodbye. I love spending time with you. But I’m going to stay quiet and will reach out again in a while. Please know you can call me anytime.”
“Okay cool. I had to logon to change my password. My computer got stolen – it automatically logs me into everything. I didn’t want anyone having access.
I can’t handle this right now. I’m so busy and behind because of the theft.”
I simply said I would let him know when the dating story was published and asked him to take care of himself. He said thank you.
And that was it, once again.
I hadn’t let myself believe it would be different, but I had wanted to have that dinner and hear in his own words what his struggle was. But not at the expense of my feelings yet again. As I said to him, I can’t survive on his intentions.
I won’t say I wasn’t sad. That would be a convenient lie.
But some things that happened between seeing him the week before were certainly helping to dull the pain. I promise to write as quickly as I can and tell you what those things were.