Is it easing into a new relationship or not being that into someone?

Mr Fox and I had three dates in three days. We had not had sex although he’d given me an orgasm.

I completely forgot something important in my last post. When I asked him to come upstairs to my bedroom, I paused and realized I might have to explain my bruises. So I pulled away from our kissing, looked him in the eyes and said:

“If you come upstairs with me, you may see my ass. Which means I need to tell you about something you are going to see. I am very bruised. 

I’ve been exploring my sexuality and one thing I was curious about was my submission, in particular being “beaten” as it’s unfortunately called. So this past Friday night I met a Dom at this sex club and he had me on a St. Andrew’s Cross – do you know what that is? – and I was naked in front of an audience and he beat me. And I liked it.”

I paused and looked at him, questioning. He paused then said: “that is so fucking hot.”

And he proceeded to show me how hot he thought it was.

Later when he had me on my bed, he stopped kissing me for a moment and said: “Oh Ann…aren’t the men lined up around the block for you?” To which I said “not the ones I want.

::

Three dates in, I still found him handsome. He doesn’t mind that I have some kinks. This is huge for me. He appreciates the whole package that is me, and frankly that’s even bigger.

There is no doubt in my mind he is really into me. He says things like: 

Which feels fantastic.

Two of my close female friends swear it’s way better to find a man who’s more into you than you are into him. They both have amazing marriages (one is famous on this blog for their “five of seven” rule) so perhaps there is something to it.

I am not used to this. I’ve had my share of emotionally (or just generally) unavailable men. My internal debate is whether someone being into me is actually a turn off. It’s not a pattern I’m familiar with, and it throws me off more than anything. It’s not what I’m used to.

I don’t stop liking men because they are into me, but when I think of the ones who were really into me who I also broke up with, it was generally because they were into me way too soon. In a “let’s accelerate this relationship” way, which is a big red flag. While I can get excited about chemistry with someone really quickly, and see amazing potential with a man, I’m not going to really start thinking about someone as long term boyfriend material until I’ve seen them angry, stressed, seen how they talk to their mother, etcetera.

A big difference after three dates with Fox? I didn’t feel any of that internal yearning or being off kilter when I’m not sure how someone feels. For example, I wasn’t hyper aware when there was a pause between texts.

I felt calm. Calm is unusual. I’m not sure if calm is boredom…it’s hard for me to tell the difference.

Fox and I had a date coming up on Sunday for dinner. I was going to be kid free and while we had to work the next day, it was the next available opportunity. He kept joking it was our first date since it was originally said I would first be free.

I guess we technically had sex on the first date, by that measurement. But it was actually date number four.

I think waiting that long may be a new record.

When he showed up at my door we both understood that sex was on the agenda ahead of dinner out. He still took forever to get around to it. Sometimes I just want a put-me-up-against-a wall-and-fuck fucking. This was not one of those times. I know he’s learning my body and desires and figure he will get there.

He is quite skilled with his hands and mouth. No complaints. He’s still a bit gentle at times. But he stood at attention at the right time and I climbed on top of him and I’m not sure how he managed this feat, but I was able to have not one but two full body orgasms in short successions. For the record, I never managed one with Tony. They are the only orgasm that knocks me out – for about 15 minutes – before I want more. I told him that. He was pleased.

He had been worried about it being his first time in a long time. I didn’t see why he was worried. But he did fumble quite a bit with the condom. I felt like we were teenagers.

We laid in bed and talked for a bit. I asked him why he never asked me anything and he said he preferred information to come out organically. I told him I interpreted it as lack of interest. And as I write this, I realize the other thing I find different is he doesn’t share a lot of stories about himself.

We went for dinner and – despite trying to not have the ghost of Tony on every date with me, I couldn’t help but think how different conversations are with him, or even my old ex boyfriend I’d seen for drinks earlier that week.

Back home at my place, we had a second round of sex that did end in a few minutes. He apologised profusely and I said all the right things about not caring.

I do believe these things can get better. But I do find myself wondering whether this lack of deep yearning is a good or bad thing…

37 thoughts on “Is it easing into a new relationship or not being that into someone?

  1. Maybe calm is good. Calm is unusual for me as well and I always interpret it as I guess I just don’t care, but perhaps I’ve got it all wrong. I am a magnet for an emotionally (or actually) unavailable man so my version of normal is absolutely skewed. I need to work on it. Ugh.

    • That’s exactly the issue I have. I’m not sure how to deal with it…and then I question whether I’m settling for something because there should be more of that crazy intensity.

  2. I agree try to ease into this one and don’t try and push it. If it’s right for you, it will happen. I take it as a good sign that he didn’t freak out about your ass or throw a jealousy fit. I’m not sure if you will ever be satisfied with just one guy and maybe he’ll be okay if you get passed around sometimes. 🙂

    • He definitely didn’t freak out. He’s visited a sex club before and I know he’s got some kinks he’s interested in exploring…and his drive is also high… so there’s definitely a good foundation there for us to be aligned.

      I’m not sure whether he’d share, but that’s a conversation for another day 🙂

  3. I think calm is great. The fact you have a good time with conversation, even if it’s different from Tony, the fact he accepts your kinks, the fact he likes the whole package without sounding creepy…
    Don’t overthink it. Take it one day at a time, go with the flow. Enjoy 🙂
    For the rest: time will tell!

  4. Reading this I can’t help but think of the classic “nice guy” paradox, i.e. the guy who’s into a woman and readily available to her isn’t as hotly desired by her as the guy who blows her socks off out of the gate but ultimately is either emotionally unavailable or only interested in having some fun and nothing more. Or the “slow burn” versus the “flameout”.

    I think it’s good that while you were clearly having this internal debate (questioning your lack of yearning, calmness, etc.) you were at least willing to be open to further exploration with this guy and see if it could lead to a meaningful slow burn. Of course you’re many days behind in your writing, so maybe you already have the answer. 😉

    • I’m definitely open to further exploration with him. I know not every relationship starts off with a bang (pardon the pun).

      I don’t have the answer yet, actually. This is still an active internal discussion I’m having.

      And he’s not a typical nice guy in the stereotypical way we talk about someone who is passive etc. He’s definitely mature and respectual. So yes, nice… but I don’t see him as passive which is why I find the dialogue is generally about when we say “nice guys”. But do I see that the same way you do?

  5. Perhaps you are making this too complicated. It sounds like he has many good qualities and you have enjoyed being with him. If you can look forward to the next time you’ll see him, then that’s what really matters at this early stage. Have fun and don’t get caught up in overthinking. I also think you get way more intrigued by men who are less available and that the guys who check all the boxes seem less interesting to you. But perhaps a man who is respectful, follows through on his word, is open to feedback, etc is exactly what you need right now.

    • I’m don’t believe I’m over complicating this at all, just pondering the difference in my reaction to him. The calm is good, but there’s also an ambivalence which I don’t think is great.

      I obviously need to write more about it, because there is a clear delineation for me between who I find interesting and those that are more known patterns. I found the guy I had no physical attraction to very interesting. I also found Lewis very interesting. Them being interesting is an intellectual thing. My feeling yearning for them is emotional.

      Fox doesn’t actually check all the boxes, but he checks a lot of them… so that’s where the pondering comes in. How long to give an opportunity to let things progress and get better, versus my gut already telling me if the conversations are rather halted and boring to me today, what’s it going to be like in six months.

      • One more thought–sometimes people are uninteresting, but I know that in my case I’m introverted and slow to warm up to new people. It takes time for me to get comfortable and for conversation to flow. Sometimes people are put off by that initially and assume that because I’m somewhat quiet I’m not interested in them. You are obviously an extrovert and a great conversationalist so I can imagine it could feel a bit awkward to get to know someone who’s wired differently.

        • That’s exactly the kind of thing I’m getting better at seeing, Holly, so thank you for that. Not everyone is going to start things off the same way, but it doesn’t mean that they aren’t good for me.

          Basically, if I want to not have the same things happen to me, I need to change my behaviors and attitudes toward things.

      • Just don’t go looking for the perfect man (checking all the boxes) – “perfect” doesn’t exist, that is an illusion. However wonderful, compatible, loving, fun, sexy….those things are tangible.

        • I definitely don’t look for perfect. Nobody’s perfect. I’m not even sure I would find “perfect for me”…I don’t think we know exactly what that looks for until we find it.

          I also know that past decisions didn’t exactly get me the results I wanted. So I’m trying to do things differently and figure out what works.

  6. I’m sorry Ann. I see problems ahead. One thing I’m finding very interesting is so many bloggers who are now on a sexual journey are from relationships that had little or no sex. I can also say this from my own experience.

      • You are already questioning his ability to communicate (chit chat) while lying in bed. Can he stimulate you with conversation?

        You mentioned other bloggers you know. Can you recommend any. I like reading about people like yourself who are on a voyage of discovery after “their wilderness years”.

  7. Sometimes I think we obsess so much about this “being into” thing that we have expectations of how it’s supposed to happen and that’s kinda crazy because every situation you find yourself looking at isn’t going to be the same as the last situation you faced – how can it be? Not only is every man you can meet is different, you are in a constant state of change as well and this can affect the whole “being into” dynamic.

    Yes, yes – I understand women are all about a guy being into them; they get spooked if it’s happening too fast, get bent out of shape if it’s not happening fast enough for them, and get disillusioned when it doesn’t happen at all… which is why some women fully embody this definition of being insane: Doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result.

    Men can bug about this, too – we just don’t talk about it all that much, if anyone was wondering about this.

    I’m not saying that wanting a man to be all into you is a bad thing… but to always expect it to conform to a preconceived idea is kinda nuts. I know that there are a lot of writings out there that supposedly can tell you when a man is into you and all that but you can note that there are a LOT of these writings and they’re not uniformly consistent… and that’s because “being into you” can take any form, take any amount of time to set in and other things that just cannot be predicted… and, oh, yeah, there’s your idea of “being into” and the other person’s idea of it – and good luck if they’re exactly the same thing… and they really never are.

    That’s why I approach such situations from a “let’s see what we can do together” frame of mind and more so since whatever thoughts I have about a woman being into me is, in fact, a figment of my imagination and one that probably doesn’t reflect any real-life scenarios. It’s about establishing that bond and in whatever way that might happen and with the full realization that it might not happen at all and despite everyone’s best efforts.

    Yeah, Ann, I know – this is my school of thought and I am a guy and all that. But it just seems to me that if you’re a woman looking for a guy to be into you, well, maybe you’re going about it the wrong way or not looking with better eyes and an open mind. That bond, that whole being into thing, happens if and when it’s supposed to happen and not always because we need it to happen; if we put all of our hopes and whatever expectations we have for relationship happiness in the basket of “being into me,” it’s no wonder that more often than not, we wind up sorely disappointed.

    It’s not about what’s supposed to happen: It’s about what we can make happen together and it’s during this discovery that will determine if we’ll bond well and deeply or not. Just my fourteen cents worth…

  8. You know, it’s possible to over-analyze. I wonder if maybe the blog writing causes you to analyze. and examine relationships more than if you didn’t have the blog. And if so, is that helpful or harmful?

    • Hey Rob!! He’s actually been to a sex club once before. He’s definitely curious, and interested in exploring his boundaries. So from that perspective, I think things have potential.

What do you think?