Figuring out Fourteen | Can I go back to an old flame?

After our late night sexy date, Fourteen and I exchanged the standard that-was-awesome-thank-you text messages.

Then nothing. I was busy with a party (which Fox attended) on Friday, Saturday I had a family wedding and Liam was my date, and Sunday he and I did lazy Sunday type things (we saw Minions. It was great).

The following Monday I sent him a text asking how his weekend went (remember, he knows I blog). We had the following exchange:

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And I thought – hmm. Interesting response if he actually wants to date me. Unless he thinks I’m that open.

So then the inevitable “what’s next I wonder” entered my consciousness, and I also wondered if I could just ask.

I asked Hy what she thought. Hy said: just ask him, Ann.

So after some back and forth, I did. Here was our exchange.

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Hy asked if I was disappointed. A fraction. He would have been a lot of fun to date and I was definitely interested in seeing whether the things that broke us apart so many years ago did so again.

But in other ways, it made my life a little less complex.

I realized, I’m used to complex. It feels weird to not be dealing with drama or multiple men. It’s nice, but at the same time, I feel like I should be more busy, worried, confused, or both.

Maybe that’s why I feel like my last few posts have been duller than usual.

37 thoughts on “Figuring out Fourteen | Can I go back to an old flame?

  1. Sometimes we fall back on what is familiar, even if it is ultimately an uncomfortable place overall. I’ve always had drama of some sort in my life, and now, with being in a comfortable and peaceful relationship I do find myself fixating on other issues. Life would bore me otherwise.

  2. Sorry you do not get to learn new things about this later model fourteen, but happy he was honest in his assessment. Do you think being “used to complex” is a preference or simply a circumstance of the life you’re presently leading? I know you have stated a desire for a relationship and it makes me wonder if you would be content with a guy who wants to put forth effort to meet your most critical needs. Then I realize you would need to find such a person to test that theory.

    I find you brilliant in your life/dating balance and your posts are hardly dull.

    • Thank you for saying I’m brilliant… I don’t feel that way but really do appreciate the encouragement!

      I’m sorry too we didn’t get a chance to explore a bit more – I suppose it doesn’t mean we won’t still hang out every once in a while…but at least I know where he stands. There was a reason we broke up before and he’s not a slam-dunk for me, but as I said, I was curious to see what, if anything, was different.

      And about complexity: when I met my ex I used to say that the nice guys I met had bored me so I took the good with the bad with him. Ultimately I didn’t know that the “complexity” he provided was actually toxic for me.

      I do think there’s a middle ground. The “nice” guys I had dated prior to him? The better term is actually that they didn’t really have much of a backbone. They deferred to me all the time, didn’t stand their own, that kind of thing. And THAT is something I don’t like at all. Someone who is not their own person, not confident, not able to be an equal partner… that I find boring.

      I haven’t really met someone with the right secret sauce. But I believe it’s possible.

      • One of the benefits of aging is the wisdom that comes with experience. You’re learning new things with everyone you meet, every man you date. That’s worth a lot, and as long as you are mostly happy and content, it is all worthwhile.

        • I think so too. I’m happy when I can feel and see the progress I’m making and recognize – oh, hey! I didn’t make the same choice I would have two years ago – because I know I’m learning and growing. Some things will take longer and some have been easier…but as long as I’m generally moving forward, I’m good.

  3. I was going to write something in one of your last posts with Mr. Fox, (BTW, did he attend with you or just happened to be there?) when you were comparing him to Tony. In my humble opinion, you obviously are not over him to a point where your ready to start dating. What your doing vs what you are saying are conflicting according to everything I am reading…It is also hard cause I feel like the posts lately have been jumping around a lot and hard to follow in terms of a time line. If I were you, I would just start fucking like a rabbit, enjoy yourself to your hearts content, and when you find the right guy (maybe women πŸ˜‰ ) you will know…Stop looking…Simple as that! In my humble opinion…

    • I presume you mean my party reference? It was a party at my place so he came at my invitation.

      I should probably write a whole post about this – but my intention is to find a relationship, it’s not that I’m going to settle for someone just to have a relationship.

      I’d love to hear more about what you see is conflicting about what I’m writing versus my behaviours.

      I have been fucking around – a few sex clubs visits and the like. But here’s the critical thing…. I’m not going to bother trying to date anyone that’s not looking for a relationship. Because that leads to a lot of dating BS.

      But I will absolutely on occasion meet someone off FetLife or AFF which is just sex. Because I know exactly what it’s about and it doesn’t use up my emotional energy when something happens like what happened with Lewis.

      Does that make sense? Perhaps I need to write more about that.

  4. Well, at least you know where you stand! I think I prefer that, though I understand you are not used to it.
    Don’t worry, things will sort themselves out and you’ll get just the right amount of crazy in your life in no time πŸ™‚

    • Exactly. I wasn’t that disappointed in the grand scheme of things – it really was a “oh, well, that might have been fun”. But better to know where I stand with him, and what he’s looking for.

  5. Your posts are never dull I just think sometimes life takes a slow turn before it all gets crazy again.

  6. Maybe it’s time for you to ask yourself if a “relationship” – and I use the word very loosely here – is what your real goals are at this point. Do you have to have one? Are you pinning your hopes for a relationship with men who aren’t really interested in a relationship outside of spending time with you and, of course, laying the pipe to you? And do you have a problem with this aspect of things?

    I’m sure that you know what you want to do… but do you have to do it? Is it time to revise your definition of what a relationship is or, accurately, could be?

      • I’m not sure this answers the question in its entirety, not that you have to. This is your monthly head check: Are you doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result each time?

        Have you, since you started on this journey, given any thought to what a relationship means? Ever had reason to modify it to fit in 2015? It may be what you want to do… but do you have to do it?

        Nobody wants to be in a relationship with someone who “isn’t right” – but what does that mean? Does it mean the same thing it did in, say, 1997 or even 2008?

        There’s a pattern to your behavior that I find interesting and, yeah, I have the utter gall to check your head on a few things…

        • I would say that the last 6 months has been the first time since I was single that I’m actually interested in having a relationship. So no, I’m not doing the same thing over and over.

          I’ve already done quite a bit of thinking about relationships, even going so far as to define “serious” versus not.

          What’s the pattern you find interesting?
          And yes, you can always check my head.

  7. I like that he was so straight forward. It frees you up. I’ve had a handful of men let me off the hook in a similar way. Usually they’ve all gotten girlfriends lol.

    • I like straightforward. Even when I’ve been disappointed, I appreciate the honesty. Because, as you well know, in the absence of it I wonder what the heck happened.

      In this case, I’m not overly upset – I didn’t really know where I wanted things to go – but it’s far better to know where I stand. We may continue to see each other, depending how other things go, but at least I’m not wasting time wondering what’s happening and why.

What do you think?