Why would I prolong the inevitable?

After getting drunk on Friday, talking to Tony, and our subsequent unsatisfying text exchange, I got to thinking…since I had broken my non-contact vow, what good is waiting until next Friday?

I was hard pressed to come up with answers. I know in my heart and my mind he can’t give me what I need or want. He’s highly unlikely to be able to do so in the near future. So waiting doesn’t really make a difference.

I suppose I want to have the conversation to just confirm that yes, a few weeks later, he’s no closer to making a decision about his ex. Which is the first of many things he needs to do.Β 

I wrote my post on Sunday, and the more I wrote and responded to comments, the more I realized waiting does nothing for me. I wanted to have a final conversation and wanted to have it that night.

So I called him midday on Sunday. I was neutral and rather cold on the phone – could he meet? No? Too busy prepping for the weeks work? Okay then, I would try again later.

I was about to hang up when he said – how is your job? And when I told him the good news, he was super happy for me. He inquired about whether I had a sexy new title, what I was doing, and wanted to know all about it. He wished he could be there to celebrate with me. He was so sorry that Sunday night didn’t work but perhaps we could see each other this week. Maybe Wednesday for dinner?

Sigh.

And I could feel myself getting sucked back into him. It’s what I want, this affection and love. Shared happiness and plans. His humour and curiosity.

So, under the auspices of a celebratory dinner I said that Wednesday or Friday could work.

I know the conversation I want to have. I need him to look me in the eye and say he doesn’t know what to do. It’s like I need it to hurt a bit more before I can fully walk away. But given how much I care about him, can it ever hurt enough for me to walk away without a second thought?

I don’t think it’s possible. I have realized through all this just how deeply I feel for him, as incongruous as that may be.

I want to see him. Should I? Perhaps not. Will I? Absolutely.

If he ever calls me, that is.

52 thoughts on “Why would I prolong the inevitable?

  1. I believe in every woman is a hurt dog. And as a hurt dog will crawl away when being kicked, it will instantly forget the wounds when told “Hey you! Come here! Oh yeah, you’re such a good girl, aren’t you!” and we wag our imaginary tail in sheet utter joy believing the kicking and wounds were totally accidental and unintentional.

    πŸ™‚

  2. Think about death by a thousand cuts and if you want to keep going through this over and over. If it’s over, it’s over. Just buy new batteries for your vibrator! πŸ™‚

  3. I’d like to see you have a good outcome, but, if he doesn’t call, πŸ™ that’s your answer. It’s probably time to let go and tell him goodbye. I hope I’m wrong for your sake however

  4. I am always the wisher of best outcomes for everyone and hate it when things seemed destined to not work out as hoped. That Tony cares for you is not in question, but bottom line is he is incapable of demonstrating it consistently in the ways you need and desire. It’s a poor match on a truly basic level, because you are both fabulous people. For that I am truly sorry, Ann.

    • Hi Joyce – do you know why you fall for them? That’s what I’m trying to figure out… Tony certainly didn’t seem unavailable at the start. Just a bit flakey with communications at the beginning.

      • I know why I do it. Or used to. The inadvertent reason is that unavailable or inappropriate men are doomed from the start…which doesn’t sound ideal, but what it does do is take all the pressure off of me. I can’t screw it up. I can’t be the reason it doesn’t work. I can’t have to “work on me” because I didn’t cause any issue. It’s a protection thing, but it is what it is. I guess. I don’t know if that is anything similar to what happens with you guys though. That’s just my experience. As confirmed by my psychologist.

        • Interesting. I’m not sure I actively seek them out…but that’s something I’m going to work with my therapist with – how to spot the ones that may not be right for me. Narcissistic (which Tony is not) or emotionally unavailable (which he clearly is).

          • You don’t need to actively seek them. Just sending out the wrong vibe will make they come to you πŸ™‚
            That’s why we need to work on ourselves πŸ™‚
            And why I’m happy to be in the relationship I’m int right now, which isn’t really one, that way I HAVE to work on myself and being more dependent πŸ™‚

      • Well it could be related to when I was growing up that my father was usually at work during the times I was home. He worked nights, and was usually going to work as I returned hiome from school. And on his days off he would go fishing rather than stick around the house. sometimes we would go with him though. Idk… and also it seems these men that are so busy with their lives, know just what to do and say to keep our interest. When we do see and hear from them that is. Also, they are attracted to strong independant types like us too, and I think they figure we are so strong that we are okay with not having them around or in contact as much. Of course I am no expert, but I may be right.

  5. I probably don’t need to say this, but be in it for you. Celebrate your new job, enjoy your days, enjoy your nights, live, laugh and love… if he wants to participate, that’s up to him. Don’t put those things off waiting for him to decide. You can invite people to party all you want -some will RSVP, some will show up without RSVP-ing, and others will not respond at all or cancel at the last minute. The party goes on though and I raise my glass to you.

  6. Sometimes, that need for closure when ending a “relationship” just never happens; sometimes, it’s better to just walk away and let the action speak for itself. It’s not a “nice” way to handle this situation but if you think that being in his presence or even talking to him over the phone is going to pull you back into what has obviously been an unmanageable and hopeless situation, then just walk away and leave it all alone.

    It’s quite possible that even he “hopes” you’ll just stop talking to him and walk away from him as quickly as you can, not out of some uncaring sense or rudeness – it’s just the “best” way to do this and minus any emotional input that would suggest to either of you that it’s still possible to do this when logic says that it can’t be done.

    So why continue to torture yourself? As messed up as it sounds, sometimes, Ann, the best thing to do is to just give up, walk away, and do your best to not look back… unless you like keeping your emotions on the spin cycle. You tried your best to make this work; maybe he did the best he could under his circumstances – and they were circumstances beyond anyone’s control… and even the best of us should know when to “admit defeat” and just walk away without saying anything – and more so when you know that nothing’s going to be said that’s going to change anything for the better.

    This is so… heartless; it says, bluntly, that you just don’t care anymore – even when you actually do. But I understand that need for closure… but I also understand that we don’t always get closure when we need it.

    And life continues to move forward… with or without you, doesn’t it?

  7. After reading this… I just thought how funny that the strongest women the sexual adventures women are the first to fall hard in love with someone hard.

  8. When we love we always hope that miraculously they will give us what we need or want in a relationship.

    Not all men will adhere to that because sometimes they just can’t.

    I’m not going to tell you what to do sweetie. Do what you feel you need to. If you need to see him to finalise it in your head, do it. I think you’re self aware enough to realise that sometimes loving someone isn’t enough.

    When you’ve reached your enough you’ll walk. Until then be kind to yourself. Each of if you need to, my talk function is always on.

    Love xx

      • I’ve missed you too! Been catching up on your shenanigans with joy.

        And at the end of the day you need to do what feels right. Damned what everyone else says πŸ˜‰

        Stupid work has cottoned onto my wordpress addiction and blocked all my favourite sites. So am hiding in the toilet and responding to posts. Bollocking Bastards!

        • I saw that post!! Just hadn’t gotten a chance to respond yet. I keep fearing my work will add WordPress to their blocked sites…because it’s too damn hard responding on my phone.

          • I hear you. I hate my phone for that reason alone. Let alone trying to do an actual post on it? No way. I put it in the too hard basket!

          • My crappy posts were all written on my phone. I just can’t edit the same way! Or link. But I’m trying to write more during my commute, especially the weeks I have Liam.

  9. Ann, I do truly understand what you’re going through. I’m on the same boat, AGAIN, after breaking up with him. He came back. He said I left him just because I didn’t want to put up with his shit; that he needs me there, etc. We’re meeting today. I’m excited. Sad. Worried. It’s just a crazy mixture of emotions. Good luck. Let’s see what happens.

    • I’m sorry to butt in but… he needs you? So what? What if he doesn’t deliver what *you* need? So what if you left him *just* because you didn’t want to put up with his shit? Maybe that’s just why you left him, and maybe that should be his clue to change and get his shit in order!
      This is emotional blackmail, at least that’s what it feels like to me!
      My advice in this instance is: don’t fall for it, it’s a first step towards an abusive relationship (at least emotionally).
      And Ann… why is the fact that a man needs you ‘the right thing’?
      Getting off my soap box now!
      Sorry πŸ˜‰

  10. Rip the band-aid off, my friend. Let the air get at your raw parts, your hurt feelings. We’re here for the times it’s painful.

  11. It’s Wednesday – I’m anxious. I need to know everything right now. You know what you want and need. Let yourself have it and then grow from it. Easier said than done, but like…you know… do it.

    • Today isn’t happening; I wasn’t prepared to be in limbo about whether he was coming, and I’m not feeling well either. So we are seeing each other on Friday – of course, my original date for contact.

  12. Right, now let me comment…
    I have had two different kinds of experience. One as a teen, with my first boyfriend, who walked out on me without a word, without even telling me before end that there were any problems (so I guess different from what you’re doing). It hurt like shit and I know this is still affecting me to this day. If I don’t hear from someone on the day, I feel like hey’ve changed their mind and don’t care much about me. This is actually one of the things where being with the Dancer has been good for me. He is far from a great communicator. He even told me once, after 3 days without any news, that he hadn’t opened his emails in so long! Impossible in my world, and really hard to stand. When it gets to being too long without news, I start to get angry and think I hate the person any how. So this is actually good practice for me, knd of like desensitizing with allergies. So I stay in this non-relationship πŸ™‚
    The other experience I want to talk about is with G.
    I know that not being able to see him regularly drove me nuts, and in the end, it’s what made it drag on, because I just needed the confirmation that things were just not going to happen the way I needed them to happen. That he wasn’t available for me.
    Yes, love makes it all harder to break apart, because you keep hoping that it will eventually work out. In the end, I wasn’t able to end it face to face. Or rather, he didn’t want it, because when I tried to start the conversation, he deflected and I didn’t have the strength to stand my ground and do what I needed. So it happened on the phone, which wasn’t ideal. But at least, I had had ‘proof’, when seeing him, that it was never going to go any further and that was not what I needed. It was hard as hell, but I needed to break up in order to feel free to experiment other things, to be open to other things.
    I often think about him, have often felt that I wanted to write to him, but then other shit in my life means that I never set aside the time to do this, so I still haven’t had any contact with him since the breakup Which was more than 6 months ago. One day, I’ll get around to it, when it is important for me πŸ™‚

    All this to say: good luck my friend, do what you need to do.
    Hugs
    XO

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