After getting drunk on Friday, talking to Tony, and our subsequent unsatisfying text exchange, I got to thinking…since I had broken my non-contact vow, what good is waiting until next Friday?
I was hard pressed to come up with answers. I know in my heart and my mind he can’t give me what I need or want. He’s highly unlikely to be able to do so in the near future. So waiting doesn’t really make a difference.
I suppose I want to have the conversation to just confirm that yes, a few weeks later, he’s no closer to making a decision about his ex. Which is the first of many things he needs to do.
I wrote my post on Sunday, and the more I wrote and responded to comments, the more I realized waiting does nothing for me. I wanted to have a final conversation and wanted to have it that night.
So I called him midday on Sunday. I was neutral and rather cold on the phone – could he meet? No? Too busy prepping for the weeks work? Okay then, I would try again later.
I was about to hang up when he said – how is your job? And when I told him the good news, he was super happy for me. He inquired about whether I had a sexy new title, what I was doing, and wanted to know all about it. He wished he could be there to celebrate with me. He was so sorry that Sunday night didn’t work but perhaps we could see each other this week. Maybe Wednesday for dinner?
And I could feel myself getting sucked back into him. It’s what I want, this affection and love. Shared happiness and plans. His humour and curiosity.
So, under the auspices of a celebratory dinner I said that Wednesday or Friday could work.
I know the conversation I want to have. I need him to look me in the eye and say he doesn’t know what to do. It’s like I need it to hurt a bit more before I can fully walk away. But given how much I care about him, can it ever hurt enough for me to walk away without a second thought?
I don’t think it’s possible. I have realized through all this just how deeply I feel for him, as incongruous as that may be.
I want to see him. Should I? Perhaps not. Will I? Absolutely.
If he ever calls me, that is.