Since Friday night I’ve had the opportunity to think a lot about secrets and lies. Why we do what we do. How we parse the truth into such fine elements that we maintain the facade of truth. But it’s just that – a facade.
At the time, Tony told me he spent Valentine’s day evening with his friend Gina. It was a partial truth, and it’s how I was able to bring it up in our conversation this past weekend. But when I asked did he have sex with anyone else? Maybe not. Did he want to? Perhaps. Did he try but couldn’t? Quite possible, given the issues he was having with me at the same time. Did he have another woman sleep over?
I didn’t ask those questions. What would he have said to me if I had?
We rely on the specificity of a question and answer to tell ourselves and others we are truthful.
When he volunteered back in January that he hadn’t responded to any messages or sent any on Plenty of Fish, after he met me? Again, that’s technically true. He and Gina had moved to text messaging by then.
And then there is me. He’s never asked me the same question about sleeping with others, or being with others. I haven’t lied to his face, nor have I volunteered.
I have opened the conversational door a number of times – even Saturday morning when I said I took the break so I could figure out what I wanted, and discovered nobody else was him. He didn’t ask what I did and I certainly didn’t volunteer it.
I even told him once I had been writing and it helped me process what I’d been through. Again, he did not walk through that open conversational door.
Spending time thinking about which of our lies and omissions is worse is rather pointless, ultimately. I think his lies are bigger, when it comes to us engaging with others. I re-read every post I’ve written about him and stared at how many times he volunteered he wasn’t seeing anyone else, not talking to anyone else, was happy we were exclusive, etc., etc., when obviously there is more to the story. But again, it’s splitting hairs and it’s (I think) in the past.
But with my endless stream of thinking about this, combined with some helpful friends and comments here, I realize I may have the biggest secret between he and I – this blog. My last relationship of any merit was Johnny Id and he found me here, so I didn’t have to make a choice about disclosure. I told Andrew I wrote a blog; he had already dated a blogger and couldn’t have cared less about it – or me, ultimately.
I think Tony has some big secrets about his past: affairs, sexual desires, and his sexual journey. I don’t think he knows how safe he is with me on all those fronts.
Therefore – at least as of this moment – I have decided to open my kimono to him, completely.
I suppose I should add if the last 48 hours were a test of Tony’s ability to translate intention into action, he has failed completely. I have lost any optimism that things will meaningfully work out between us. I am beyond morose. It’s hard to put on makeup in the morning when I’m crying.
My telling him about my journey (sexless marriage, acting on an open-but-don’t-tell marriage, sexual reawakening, sexual exploration, etcetera) and my writing is not going to change him. It may at least help him realize he could have trusted me. That he’s not alone in trying to work through these things. That I understand – maybe – some of the motivations behind his actions and inactions. I suppose in the 1% chance things work out, we are moving forward with my secrets being revealed. If he doesn’t like what he knows about me, he’s not the man for me.
And assuming things go the way I think they will, at the very least I will be able to walk away (today or someday soon) knowing while he may have kept things from me, I’ve been honest with him.