The date where I planned to say goodbye | Part 2

If you haven’t read [Part One] please do so first… I’ll wait…

I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to breathe deeply to calm down. It failed miserably. I thought long and hard about what I was going to say to him. What I wanted to do. I felt angry and betrayed.

The text exchanges were bouncing around in my brain. The curiosity about the escorts. But mostly, the fact that he had a woman over at his place on fucking Valentine’s Day when he said he couldn’t come with me away for that weekend. That was the thing I couldn’t let go of, even if they didn’t see each other after that date, and hadn’t been in contact for 3 months.

I had come back to bed around midnight. I watched the clock reach 1am, then 2am, then 3am. I may have snoozed for a bit after that. I don’t know when it happened, but I realized that even if he’d had sex with her, I had betrayed him equally.You may recall my adventures in New York City, where I let another blogger share my bed overnight. We didn’t kiss, but his hands roamed and it definitely crossed the line. Just because I can explain why I did it, doesn’t make it right. And I never told Tony about it.

And at the beginning of May, in the throes of thinking I would break up with Tony, I invited Jason over and we fucked. I had invited him in advance, thinking I would be single by that date. I didn’t cancel. I don’t even remember if I wrote about it. Again, while I can explain why it happened, it was definitely not okay.

I choose not to be a hypocrite. But I needed to ask Tony whether he’d had sex with anyone after we’d agreed to be exclusive, and see what he said. I wanted to know whether he would tell me he had dated someone after we’d agreed to not do so. I wanted to see how he handled it.

I realized I couldn’t tell him I’d violated his privacy. So I decided I could say I’d seen a text message from her pop up on his screen one time he was over. Text content shows up on his phone. Which I always thought meant I could trust him.

I woke up again at 5:15. He was stirring too, and reached over and put my hand in his. My body was like ice. I whispered and asked if he was awake. He said “sort of” and a few minutes later, rolled over and looked at me. I told him I had to ask him a question. Our conversation follows (his words in Italics):

“I need to ask you a question, and I need you to tell me the truth”.

“Okay, Ann.”

“Have you had sex with anyone since we agreed to be exclusive?”

He paused and looked at me with questions in his eyes: “No.”

“Are you sure? We agreed to that the third week of January”.

Again, he paused, wondering where I was going with this, and said “No, Ann, I haven’t”.

I said “please tell me the truth.”

“I am.”

“Who is Rita?”

“A friend.”

“Where did you meet?”

He paused, uncomfortable. “We met on Plenty of Fish.”

“So not a friend; she’s someone you were dating.”

“She and I met before you and I did. We never…we didn’t meet right away. There wasn’t a very strong connection between us.”

I said “oh, well I saw a text message come through from her one time when you were with me. It seemed to be more than friends but I put it out of my head at the time. You saw her on Valentine’s Day?”

“Yes.”

“And you didn’t sleep with her?”

“No.”

I reiterated that Valentine’s Day was several weeks after he and I had agreed to be exclusive, to not date or have sex with anyone else. I reminded him he told me early on he hadn’t interacted with anyone else since he met me.

He said “Ann, I needed people to talk to. I’m lonely. Most of my friends didn’t even know I’d been divorced. They do now, but sorting out which friends I have has even been difficult. I needed friends. I never slept with her. I haven’t slept with anyone else since I met you.”

Then he said “when we were on our break, I didn’t go out. I didn’t do much of anything except work. I missed you so much. You have become such a big part of my life.”

“What did you miss?”

He said “I missed seeing you, doing things with you, talking to you, texting you – everything. You are my go-to person for everything.”

I started to realize…even if I think he fooled around with her (of course they did SOMETHING), I had to let it go. I couldn’t keep asking him the same question. And I had betrayed his trust as well. I slept with Jason before he and I were on a break. I fucked another guy and didn’t tell him. So I can’t exactly judge.

I had a decision to make.

I had looked in his phone to find something painful so I could let go. I found that something, but didn’t want to let go. I want to be with him. But things had to change.

At that moment, he pulled me into him, gathered me in his arms, and we had the rest of our conversation with me nestled close to him.

I told him I wanted to have a break for two reasons. The first was to give him space because – although I knew it was a 99% chance of not happening – I was hoping he could make a decision about his ex. I told him I thought he was confusing his feeling for her with his feelings for wanting to see his son more.

The second was that I needed time to figure out what I wanted… and I realized that nobody else was him. I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want to say goodbye.

He told me he didn’t want to say goodbye either.

I explained the times we are together it’s like nobody I’ve ever been with. It’s amazing and I feel how much he cares for me. But that when we aren’t together, I feel like I’m not a priority and I’m not a consideration. I said I need him to communicate more how he feels about me. I used the example of our Friday night away together when I said I adored him, and he responded “I have a fun time with you too”.

He laughed and said he could understand how that doesn’t feel the same. He said he absolutely adored me.

(I’m afraid to say, the truth is I think I’m in love with him. But I’m not going to utter those words or really admit that to myself. Only here, in this moment of writing, and then I’m going to push that thought aside.)

I told him I needed him to call me when he says he will. That it’s ridiculous he can’t find 10 minutes in 24 hours. That saying he was busy is insulting to me. He agreed and said he would try.

He said he didn’t know how to take things to the next level. I replied that for me, it’s not about spending 4 nights a week together. I told him what I needed to know is that I had his heart and mind.

He looked down at me and said I absolutely, completely, did.

I will confess, I melted inside at hearing those words.

He expressed concern about needing his own space and time. I reminded him I have my son every other week so naturally, there’s an ebb and flow in my availability. And it wasn’t as if I was asking him to move in with me. He’s afraid of getting into a relationship that ends up bad again. I can understand and I’m afraid of the same thing. We agreed we had to navigate our relationship by telling each other what we need, and continuing to be honest.

Giggling, I formally advised him our break was over and we were exclusive again, which includes not only sex but any canoodling with others, including kissing. When he said “these lips are only for you”, laughing I replied “unless I tell those lips to do something to someone else”.

At that point, we couldn’t ignore his morning hard on any more, his hands were more firmly on my breasts, nipples being tweaked, so he flipped me over and spent some quality time with each nipple in his mouth. As we again had passionate and connective sex in my sweaty sheets, I told myself the past is now behind us and I am ready to try again.

50 thoughts on “The date where I planned to say goodbye | Part 2

  1. 😀 This is nice. You are a good communicator, and I’m glad that he responded well. I hope he proves us (and your own doubts) wrong at every turn, and your relationship just gets deeper and more fully satisfying.

    • That is truly what I hope for as well. In this moment, I feel somewhat positive. I’m sure I will oscillate…but unless he’s an incredibly good actor, I believe him when he says what he feels about me. The key will be, can he actually make the changes he agreed to.

  2. Did he give you a more clear answer on things with his ex wife? Is he ready to really move on from her? Did he address why he saw another woman on Valentines Day instead of spending time with you and Liam?

    • I didn’t press him on the ex-wife topic. Figured we’d covered enough ground and I knew he didn’t have a new answer. It’s really about his kid, I do know that.

      I was away that weekend with Liam in a different city, 5 hours away. He said he had something on the Monday which is the day we returned, so he couldn’t come with us for the whole time and it didn’t make sense for him to travel separately.

      I saw him that Friday night, and he saw her on the Saturday.

      • The kid stuff I get. You fucking Jason while you were on a break is entirely different than him seeing someone on Valentine’s Day and flirting with them while you were exclusive. I was happy to read that you’re finally having incredible, hot, sweaty sex with Tony, though!

        • I fucked Jason before we were on a break. It was the beginning of May. I had intended to break up with Tony, so scheduled Jason, didn’t break up with Tony, and didn’t cancel.

          So in some ways it’s worse…farther along in our relationship, and all that.

          And yes, the sex is really great now. The issues that arose before are occasionally around, but it’s much less of a problem.

  3. Oh Ann. This is said with love and concern in my heart.
    You are going to get hurt. Ok, I’ve said it and I know you are aware of it. That said, I applaud you for your honesty and personal accountability. You are a better woman than I. I know in my heart that I could not get past the betrayal coupled with having not been a priority. I’m sure I am not alone in saying that we will be sending positive vibes for Tony and you to work out. We only want you to be happy.
    If all else fails Hollie can lead a righteous lynch mob and she can count me in.

    • Yeah, in the cold light of day I’m pretty sure I’m going to get hurt too.

      I betrayed him as well, so I guess we are even. I am struggling with thinking he has lied to me even with faced with the direct question. I’m not sure how much it matters. Am processing that.

      Why would you say I am a better woman than you?

      I want to be happy as well. I hope this is the right decision but I think I will know in a few weeks. It won’t take long. And I’ll probably be back to having to say goodbye.

      • I think you are a better woman than I because you are willing to put in all this effort to save this relationship when you aren’t a priority. I am speaking from my heart because I have a “Tony” in my life who I am struggling with. Someone who I adore and he cares for me BUT… You get the picture.

        • I actually think it’s rather pathetic that I continue to put all this effort into the relationship when I’m not a priority, or at the very least, not what he seems to be able to focus on at all, unless he’s with me.

          • Well take consolation that you are NOT the only woman doing this. I’m works not on breaking it. Lol If I figure out the reasons I do it AND why-I will be sure to let you know.

  4. You go Ann! I am glad you got sh!t for leaving the part before this in a cliff hanger. But I am even happier that you finished it right away. It is nice to see you happy! Not conflicted. I am sure there is still some other thoughts lingering but overall I think you are in a good place.

    I think your being fair letting all past things go from both sides. I would imagine the gang bang and swingers club stories will not be told to him anytime soon. I am not throwing a dig, but agreeing even more that the past should be let go and now you should enjoy the future. One important thing I will say though, you can let it go, but don’t forget the past. Be true to yourself, no matter how hard, but must of all enjoy yourself! We only live once.

    As a reader though I hope your blog doesn’t get boring now that your “exclusive”…haha. Just kidding, you deserve it, now go have some fun and tell us all about it!

    • There is conflict, upon further reflection. I know his intentions are good – I hope he can follow through on them. I will know within a week or two I’m sure.

      And no, I do not plan on telling him what I was up to in the last three weeks. I won’t lie if he asks me. But I did give him a hint that I was engaged with some others when I told him that nobody else was like him.

      I hope I don’t get boring. I still have untold stories to tell from times past.

  5. I’m wondering, you don’t have to tell me of course, but I just wondered whether you’d thought about it for yourself – if he had asked you outright whether you had had sex with anyone else after you guys decided to be exclusive (not counting the break), would you have told him about Jason? I guess if there’s an innocent reason for him not fessing up when you asked him, it’s that he thought it would hurt you and didn’t see any reason to do that when it was several months ago and he apparently hasn’t continued seeing her.

    My feeling is that he’s not going to change with the communication thing, maybe temporarily, but if it’s his nature then he’ll probably revert, also with getting around to taking action over things. BUT that doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, no one ticks all the boxes, it just means that if you want the relationship to continue, you’ll have to accept that this is part of him – I don’t mean that to sound like I’m telling you what to do! Just my view on how I see the way forward.

    Also, I don’t get the feeling he really felt he was at risk of losing you, not really, you’re so reasonable and forgiving with him, he might take that for granted and think it means he doesn’t have to make the effort. I kind of wish he had really felt the fear of losing you. Maybe he did and it’s just that you can’t give every detail in the post.

    Sorry for such a long comment! Glad you’re feeling good and positive right now.

    • Vanessa-Jane, it’s a good point you raise. I do wonder whether he just doesn’t want to hurt me. I certainly said a number of different ways it would be okay if he had and I’d rather just know. Not knowing, or thinking he’s lied, is worse.

      He didn’t ask me, which I thought was interesting. I think I would tell him about my lapse in NYC, which was inappropriate but never kissed or actively did anything with the other person. I’m not sure I would tell him about Jason though…it was really at a point where I was sure we were done.

      But I am still struggling with knowing that she slept over at his place and he didn’t come out and tell me that. I guess I want to know all the details but also know at this point, there’s really no point other than my own mental satisfaction. I definitely don’t want to harp on it with him either. I’m working on letting it go.

      I’m not sure how much he can change either – generally people don’t change. He’s got to want to do it, it can’t just be for me. And to your point, I’m not sure either if he realizes just how close I am to walking away. I did mention I had resolved to break up with him several times and just couldn’t do it.

      I do know that he missed me a lot the last three weeks, so that’s something.

      Please, no apologies ever necessary for a long and thoughtful comment 🙂

  6. It’s hard in a relationship with a guy like Tony. He strikes me as someone you will continually have to have these conversations with about how you need/want to be treated. He just doesn’t seem like the guy to expend that extra effort of showing you how he feels unless bluntly told “I need to hear this right now”. I have no doubt he has feelings for you, but I don’t know that anyone other than himself is ever going to be on the forefront of his mind.
    With a guy like Tony it’s pointless to “plan” a breakup. This is a relationship where he will need to be the one to call it quits, which he won’t do while it’s fun and easy enough to continue on.
    I do wish you the best of luck though. These kinds of guys break hearts 🙁

    • I will definitely know pretty quickly whether is able to translate his intentions into his actions. I’m not terribly confident but I needed to try.

      I don’t think he needs to be the one to call it quits, despite my inability to say goodbye yesterday, I won’t continue with him if there is no change. I think he needed to miss me and realize I’m serious. If that doesn’t work, then not sure anything else I do will.

  7. Oh Anne, as much as I don’t want to be, as much as I have been through, I am too soft. I think you definitely do love him, and the awful thing is, its not like when we were in high school anymore when everything was so easy. As we get older there is so much stuff going on. It gets so complicated. We all have all this horrible baggage… but you know what they say, you need to find someone who is willing to help you unpack 😉
    I so want to see you happy. If this doesn’t work, it is not because you haven’t tried absolutely everything. And if it does work, well, that’s kind of what we all want isnt int? Love? I want you to have that, just as I want it for myself.
    My heart is rooting for you! If anyone can do this, it is you. Be brave, but never a door matt.
    If your heart feels happy, go for it.

    • Thanks so much Caroline. It will definitely not be from lack of trying. I figure it won’t take long for me to know whether this is going to work out. And if not, I know I’ve absolutely everything I possible can to make it work – I’m not willing to settle for something that doesn’t make me happy…at least I know that much.

      I’m hoping it all works out too. I really appreciate your ongoing support.

      Ann xoxo

  8. Well, I’m back and ready for bed, but I read the comments.
    I must say that I’m happy that you acknowledged to each other that you love one another, even if you didn’t use these exact words.
    I’m also glad you got to think and realised that you’re not all ‘white’, and he’s not all ‘black’.
    I don’t know how this is going to go forward, but you sound genuinely happy at the end of this post, so I’m happy for you too 🙂
    The fact he mentioned he doesn’t know how to take the next step proves to me that he thought about it already. Which may be what was scaring him and part of the reason why he couldn’t communicate properly.
    I guess time will tell!
    Good night my friend. Enjoy what you have 🙂

  9. I know some people are saying you will get hurt, but lots of relationships I have known start off a bit rocky in the first phase then go on to be great. If you feel like you love him and he feels the same well then that’s wonderful and the past is in the past.

    • I was hoping to find something recent to make my decision easier – something that hurt. I didn’t expect it to be what it was.

      And yes, I know it was a betrayal of trust. As was his dating someone at the same time he said we were exclusive.

    • No. We were on a break for three weeks and in the discussion where I said I was giving him space I even asked him to be sure to use condoms if he slept with someone else during that time.

      I had no expectation of fidelity during that time. I looked at this phone because I wanted to find evidence of that which would indicate to me he’s moved on. That’s not what I found, however.

      So yeah, you missed a few posts…

  10. I don’t know whether to laugh at all of this or to feel some other kind of way. Sometimes, women baffle the hell out of me; they’ll get pissed if they have reason to believe that their man slept with someone else, feel all betrayed and hurt, but if the relationship hasn’t really settled down and she sleeps with someone during a “break” then that’s somehow okay when the truth is that you’re either seeing each other or you aren’t; you’re either in a relationship or you aren’t – that “taking a break” thing never made much sense to me (which isn’t the same as needing some space) so a lot of people would say that if you found him guilty of some hanky-panky, you’re just as guilty and more so given your, ah, recent activities because, darling Ann, until you officially say that it’s all over with, you’re still in the relationship with them.

    The phone thing… that didn’t make me feel good – there’s no justification for violating someone’s privacy like that. Now, I don’t know about Tony, but the moment you started asking me questions about something I never told you about, I would know that you accessed my phone… and you really don’t want to know what I would have been thinking except it wouldn’t be good and I would have been debating on whether to step off in your ass about it or not to get mad… but to get even later.

    I’m sure you wouldn’t have liked it if he had gone snooping through your phone (is your locked against intrusion?). There’s some lack-of-trust shit going on here that I find bothersome but, eh, you do what you gotta do.

    Not condemning you or passing judgement on you (or him) and the bottom line is that if you two think you can get this to work some kind of way, I hope it turns out well. Someone worried about you getting hurt and,well, that’s almost inevitable for anyone who dares to love and tries to be with each other; common sense says that if you don’t like getting hurt like this, don’t ever get into any kind of relationship with anyone but, yeah, I’ve always thought that it’s crazy for anyone to get into a relationship and then expect never to get hurt in some way.

    Oh, like being hurt about my “partner” possibly fucking someone else while I was out fucking someone else behind his back, for instance. But I digress… and in a way, this is funny, almost predictable, but the reality is that sometimes things just work in this insane fashion. It exposes our insecurities big time, wouldn’t you agree?

    So… now what? Will Ann be able to focus all of her wants, needs, and desires on Tony, a man who has deep feelings for her (maybe it’s love, I can’t say) but can be so very distant toward her and has “proven” that he’s not always equal to the tasks at hand? Will Ann need to seek the comfort and succor of others to fill the voids Tony will create in her life, not out of meanness or deliberate neglect, but because he has a life just as much as she does? Will Ann ask him about his predilection for transsexuals – and how will she react? Will Ann confess to her recent sexual orgy?

    Stayed tuned – this is about to get interesting. I do hope that you learned a valuable lesson in this, though…

    • This is a great comment and it’s going to take me a while to process and respond to it all.

      One question, because I don’t remember if I wrote this in the post where I told Tony we were taking a break – I told him that I only had one ask…that he use condoms if he were going to have sex with anyone else during the time apart. So there was no expectation of fidelity. I also didn’t set any time frame…I could have been done for 4 months for all he knew. Does that make a difference to any of the comments you made?

      • It could… but is it really relevant if you got miffed about Valentine’s Day and what he might have done? See, Ann, it’s not about who did what or when – this is about getting pissed so that you could do something that you didn’t want to do… or you did… kinda.

        I figure that if you (not you, hon) have to find a reason to be angry to break it off with someone, that’s rather telling and more so when you want exclusivity with someone who, at this time, cannot give you that. You know this and you do your best to work with what you do have even when you also know it’s not enough – and I will applaud you for this if no one else will. But you’re either going to stay the course… or do nothing at all because, honestly, being in the middle of this really isn’t good for you.

        It might be suggested that you bail and save yourself but I say that you’re smart enough to make this work… so make it work so you can stop messing with your own head, okay?

        Don’t feel – think, decide, then go back to feeling and, oh, yeah, everything is negotiable.

        • I’ve written a bunch of responses to this. I think I need to write a post.

          But quickly…

          …he is exclusive with me now; they haven’t been in touch since March. Now, of course I could wonder what would have happened HAD they had a “connection”. But I don’t want to torture myself with that.

          I’m willing to let the past be the past. I think. As much as it bothers me that he deceived me the way he did (multiple conversations, evasions, straight out lies), I know it’s not how things are now.

          I think.

  11. He’s just another fuckup feeding his ego. But two drunks leaning against each other doesn’t make either sober.

    I can’t help wonder what’s on his second phone. You know, the one that has the apps on it.

What do you think?