If you haven’t read [Part One] please do so first… I’ll wait…
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to breathe deeply to calm down. It failed miserably. I thought long and hard about what I was going to say to him. What I wanted to do. I felt angry and betrayed.
The text exchanges were bouncing around in my brain. The curiosity about the escorts. But mostly, the fact that he had a woman over at his place on fucking Valentine’s Day when he said he couldn’t come with me away for that weekend. That was the thing I couldn’t let go of, even if they didn’t see each other after that date, and hadn’t been in contact for 3 months.
I had come back to bed around midnight. I watched the clock reach 1am, then 2am, then 3am. I may have snoozed for a bit after that. I don’t know when it happened, but I realized that even if he’d had sex with her, I had betrayed him equally.You may recall my adventures in New York City, where I let another blogger share my bed overnight. We didn’t kiss, but his hands roamed and it definitely crossed the line. Just because I can explain why I did it, doesn’t make it right. And I never told Tony about it.
And at the beginning of May, in the throes of thinking I would break up with Tony, I invited Jason over and we fucked. I had invited him in advance, thinking I would be single by that date. I didn’t cancel. I don’t even remember if I wrote about it. Again, while I can explain why it happened, it was definitely not okay.
I choose not to be a hypocrite. But I needed to ask Tony whether he’d had sex with anyone after we’d agreed to be exclusive, and see what he said. I wanted to know whether he would tell me he had dated someone after we’d agreed to not do so. I wanted to see how he handled it.
I realized I couldn’t tell him I’d violated his privacy. So I decided I could say I’d seen a text message from her pop up on his screen one time he was over. Text content shows up on his phone. Which I always thought meant I could trust him.
I woke up again at 5:15. He was stirring too, and reached over and put my hand in his. My body was like ice. I whispered and asked if he was awake. He said “sort of” and a few minutes later, rolled over and looked at me. I told him I had to ask him a question. Our conversation follows (his words in Italics):
“I need to ask you a question, and I need you to tell me the truth”.
“Have you had sex with anyone since we agreed to be exclusive?”
He paused and looked at me with questions in his eyes: “No.”
“Are you sure? We agreed to that the third week of January”.
Again, he paused, wondering where I was going with this, and said “No, Ann, I haven’t”.
I said “please tell me the truth.”
“Who is Rita?”
“Where did you meet?”
He paused, uncomfortable. “We met on Plenty of Fish.”
“So not a friend; she’s someone you were dating.”
“She and I met before you and I did. We never…we didn’t meet right away. There wasn’t a very strong connection between us.”
I said “oh, well I saw a text message come through from her one time when you were with me. It seemed to be more than friends but I put it out of my head at the time. You saw her on Valentine’s Day?”
“And you didn’t sleep with her?”
I reiterated that Valentine’s Day was several weeks after he and I had agreed to be exclusive, to not date or have sex with anyone else. I reminded him he told me early on he hadn’t interacted with anyone else since he met me.
He said “Ann, I needed people to talk to. I’m lonely. Most of my friends didn’t even know I’d been divorced. They do now, but sorting out which friends I have has even been difficult. I needed friends. I never slept with her. I haven’t slept with anyone else since I met you.”
Then he said “when we were on our break, I didn’t go out. I didn’t do much of anything except work. I missed you so much. You have become such a big part of my life.”
“What did you miss?”
He said “I missed seeing you, doing things with you, talking to you, texting you – everything. You are my go-to person for everything.”
I started to realize…even if I think he fooled around with her (of course they did SOMETHING), I had to let it go. I couldn’t keep asking him the same question. And I had betrayed his trust as well. I slept with Jason before he and I were on a break. I fucked another guy and didn’t tell him. So I can’t exactly judge.
I had a decision to make.
I had looked in his phone to find something painful so I could let go. I found that something, but didn’t want to let go. I want to be with him. But things had to change.
At that moment, he pulled me into him, gathered me in his arms, and we had the rest of our conversation with me nestled close to him.
I told him I wanted to have a break for two reasons. The first was to give him space because – although I knew it was a 99% chance of not happening – I was hoping he could make a decision about his ex. I told him I thought he was confusing his feeling for her with his feelings for wanting to see his son more.
The second was that I needed time to figure out what I wanted… and I realized that nobody else was him. I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want to say goodbye.
He told me he didn’t want to say goodbye either.
I explained the times we are together it’s like nobody I’ve ever been with. It’s amazing and I feel how much he cares for me. But that when we aren’t together, I feel like I’m not a priority and I’m not a consideration. I said I need him to communicate more how he feels about me. I used the example of our Friday night away together when I said I adored him, and he responded “I have a fun time with you too”.
He laughed and said he could understand how that doesn’t feel the same. He said he absolutely adored me.
(I’m afraid to say, the truth is I think I’m in love with him. But I’m not going to utter those words or really admit that to myself. Only here, in this moment of writing, and then I’m going to push that thought aside.)
I told him I needed him to call me when he says he will. That it’s ridiculous he can’t find 10 minutes in 24 hours. That saying he was busy is insulting to me. He agreed and said he would try.
He said he didn’t know how to take things to the next level. I replied that for me, it’s not about spending 4 nights a week together. I told him what I needed to know is that I had his heart and mind.
He looked down at me and said I absolutely, completely, did.
I will confess, I melted inside at hearing those words.
He expressed concern about needing his own space and time. I reminded him I have my son every other week so naturally, there’s an ebb and flow in my availability. And it wasn’t as if I was asking him to move in with me. He’s afraid of getting into a relationship that ends up bad again. I can understand and I’m afraid of the same thing. We agreed we had to navigate our relationship by telling each other what we need, and continuing to be honest.
Giggling, I formally advised him our break was over and we were exclusive again, which includes not only sex but any canoodling with others, including kissing. When he said “these lips are only for you”, laughing I replied “unless I tell those lips to do something to someone else”.
At that point, we couldn’t ignore his morning hard on any more, his hands were more firmly on my breasts, nipples being tweaked, so he flipped me over and spent some quality time with each nipple in his mouth. As we again had passionate and connective sex in my sweaty sheets, I told myself the past is now behind us and I am ready to try again.