I was thinking of creating a page on my blog called “texts and emails I didn’t send to Tony“. Because I have moments where I want to tell him something, or am just thinking about him, and it would be helpful to have an outlet.
For example…it’s been raining here, and we both love the sound of the rain while laying in bed together. I miss that. I went to get my hair cut and noticed my hair dresser uses the same phrase over and over again, just like Tony does. I was at a party last night (Liam was my date) and had asked Tony if he wanted to go. There was a concert in the person’s living room and sat there thinking of how much he would like it.
Of course, there are so many other things as well.
A few people have commented that I don’t seem as in love with Tony as I was with Johnny Id. Of course, every relationship is different, but I have come to some conclusions about the difference in how I felt about the two of them. I’m not sure I can write about it here without sounding like I’m playing revisionist history with my relationship with Johnny.
But, you can at the very least take my word for it that despite Tony’s inability to do the things I needed him to do, there are things about who he was, and the journey he is on, that I very much love.
I’ve returned to both OK Cupid and POF. The latter is where I met Tony, and he was the only person in my “favourites” list. So of course, I can see when he’s online. The first time I logged in and saw he was online the same time was a bit of a jolt. It felt weird. Yes, I know I shouldn’t look – but really? How can you not?!
But then I had an ah-ha moment… him being online is GREAT. First, because he needs to date. Lots of first dates. Hopefully all mediocre. Second, because the moment he’s no longer online, it could mean that he’s found someone worth getting offline for. Of course it could mean nothing, but it did help me re-frame how I thought about things.
I have a first date tomorrow after work. Just like last Fall, I’ve decided to focus on quality of men. I’ve ignored the majority of messages I’m receiving – I look at their profiles and if they want anything other than a relationship, I don’t care how hot they are. I’m also now wary of anyone who isn’t fully divorced. Or who can’t spell. Or who has spent no time on his profile.
Within literally one minute of my unhiding my OKC profile, a 55 year-old Accountant reached out to me. We are a 96% match, he’s polite, and he’s interesting. So he will have the pleasure of my company for an hour after work tomorrow. I probably won’t mention my gangbang on the first date.