This post is written by a real-life friend who reads this blog. She, like me, has come out of a long relationship and is exploring and rediscovering her sexuality. This post is about one of her recent dates; she is considered writing more and would appreciate any story and writing feedback you have.
Thank you and enjoy!
Her cheekbones could cut glass – I think that was my first thought as she crossed the street to where I leaned against the lamppost biting my lip. Her eyes were staring at me with an intensity that made me feel slightly uncomfortable but in a very, very, good way. Her stare and half smile – those lips – said that she was pleased with what she saw and as she opened the door for me, I thought to myself “Trouble”.
I was wearing a new blue dress, soft chiffon with pale grey suede high heeled boots. I wanted to look soft and approachable and utterly feminine. I wore only diamond studs. She was in jeans and a black leather jacket. A kind of 1950’s bad boy look, with her dark hair shaved on the sides with grey streaks running through it. Just enough on the top to run your fingers through.
The night was warm enough so we sat outside. The patio was quiet with only one table of gay men sharing some stories close by but far enough away that we felt alone.
Our conversation was already flowing comfortably, she had a beer and I ordered a Manhattan, I was going to need some courage to meet this woman’s confident yet controlled energy. I bubbled and giggled and blathered on about my life, throwing out jokes and rolling my eyes. She spoke calmly and with great precision about living around the word, her artistic projects and creative jobs. The time she joined a traveling burlesque show…
I wondered what talents she learned on the road, but didn’t dare ask.
She traced the lines on her face where she would put on her sideburns — those cheekbones. Was it obvious that my breath became a little ragged? Have I ever had this experience before, I wondered, an immediate attraction that was so strong I felt utterly paralyzed by it?
I played with my curls and she said how much she liked them but preferred the photos where my hair was brown instead of blonde. I briefly thought of bolting out of my chair to the nearest pharmacy for some Ms. Clairol. She said I was very beautiful and I said I thought she was too and was surprised as she briskly said “No. You say Handsome. I prefer to be called handsome”. She is a proud cock I thought. “I feel more like a straight man than I do a woman”. But she used feminine pronouns? There is more to that story but ah – I want to know what her skin feels like. I don’t care about the rest – it’s just grammar.
After two drinks, the hour was getting late. She stared hypnotically into my eyes and said “I’d like to sit beside you” and she rose from her chair, keeping eye contact. I couldn’t hold it. She laughed and said “do you want to keep your purse between us” and I brazenly said “do you want to kiss me or keep rearranging things?”
And then Oh my lord. If I had been standing I would have collapsed to the ground. My head is still spinning from the thought of her lips on mine. I have a problem with willpower and I promised myself that I would stop dating for a while after Virgo/Monkey and Libra/Tiger stomped on my heart. I need to turn down the noise in my life right now and do things that nourish me and not deplete me. Another failed relationship at this point could spell doom.
But I couldn’t hear my own words when she kissed me, all I could hear was the sound of her leather jacket rubbing against my chiffon dress and my heart thundering in my ears and I wanted with everything in my being to push her back on the bench and swing my legs around her and take over – I had to stop.
I buried my face into her neck and breathed in her cologne – so tasteful – just barely there. We sat entwined in comfortable silence and it felt extremely intimate and natural. She played with my fingers and exhaled. Was this real? Was it the Manhattan’s? Was the chemistry really that powerful between us?
I think miles ahead of every situation and I was already picturing the pleasure that I knew this person was going to bring me sometime soon. She seemed to have spent her life perfecting her sensuality. The balance of masculine energy with this stunning face, these gorgeous eyes that were daring me to find out her secrets.
But the most astonishing part about her, was this gentle warmth she exuded along with her strength that seemed to say “everything is ok. You can be comfortable expressing yourself with me – I can take it all. Give it to me”.
I kissed her this time. She sucked on my lip and the room was spinning and I knew I was going down for the count. “I can’t go home with you tonight” I blurted out like a drowning woman coming up from the water begging for help from land. And she wrapped a curl around her finger and said “I don’t want you to. I am old fashioned. I’d like to go on another date with you soon though.”….we kissed a while longer and she walked me to the cab. She checked the taxi number and looked the cab driver in the eyes, protective.
I have been alone in this world for a year now, since the divorce, with no one to care for me. I have two small children to protect and the burden of this does not weigh lightly on me. The thought of having someone to watch over me again, even for an hour or two, was intoxicating.
She opened my car door and leaned down to kiss me goodnight. She wished me “Sweet Dreams”. “Oh I’ll dream alright”, I said with a wink, “but they won’t be sweet”….
And they weren’t. But dreams, I keep to myself…..