Cara asked me if Tony and I had broken up or if we are on a break. It’s a fair question.
I have to think about it as a break up, from a brain / logic perspective. I need to move on, date, assume I will never again rest my head on his fuzzy chest. I need to try to not think about what he’s doing or who he’s doing it with. I know some of his issues are situational but many are just who he is. He’s not worth the aggravation and pain and all that. And he probably doesn’t love me the way I think he does – inertia is strong with him and perhaps he just couldn’t be bothered saying he didn’t feel that way about me.
Therefore, a break up.
My heart, as you know from the post she wrote a few days ago, hopes for something different. She believes – or at least hopes – that souls can sort it all out. She hopes that most of what Tony is going through is situational. That he knows her soul and loves her. That he may go on dates (he should!) but will realize there is nobody else he’d rather be with. He will come back somewhat sorted and ready to make an effort.
Therefore, a break.
If I was a statistics wonk I’d say I’m 75% breakup and 25% break today. I’m sure the stats will change over time.
I counted the days, out of curiosity. 78 until the last Friday in August. I know myself well enough that I will continue to keep that countdown in my head (not every day, but here and there), unless by some fate I really do meet someone perfect in the next two months. For the record I’m not expecting this or particularly seeking this. I don’t start every date wondering if they are “the one”.
I like deadlines. They motivate me and keep me focused. I like lists. I like accomplishments and being able to check things off a list. So this morning I wrote down the things I want to do by the end of the summer. August 28, to be precise. It’s also just before my 42nd birthday.
I am sharing that list here, because I also know that telling people helps. Support is good, as is my inherent desire to avoid the shame of not meeting my goals.
I suppose it means I should report in on these things on a regular basis. Maybe once a week. Forgive me in advance if that makes for boring posts, but I need to keep myself honest and on track.
By August 28 I will:
- Lose at least 10 lbs. My real goal is 18 but at the very least I want to fit into a particular suit and dress, and I know 2 lbs a week every week is not going to happen.
- Buy a bike and ride it with Liam on weekends.
- Sell the pile of Liam’s clothes that have been sitting in my office for months.
- List and sell all of the wedding silver on eBay.
- Settle on the dates for vacations with certain family friends.
- Stop staying up too late during the week.
- Start doing yoga again at home, at least once a week.
- Go to the gym three times a week.
- Book (and do!) the boudoir photo shoot I just bought on Groupon. Yes, again…I let the last one expire.
- Have less owing on my line of credit.
- Finalize my updated will and powers of attorney.
- Book the meeting with the financial planner.
There might be more to add, but I try to be reasonable. If I can get this list tackled I will be a very happy person indeed.
I am working on keeping myself busy. No, not just with trolling OK Cupid and FetLife. This weekend I have plans with friends on Friday and Saturday nights. I have two drink dates with new men booked for Sunday and Tuesday, then have two nights with girlfriends already in my calendar.
Next weekend, I will spend two nights with the one and only Hyacinth Jones. She and I are both in desperate need of a great girls weekend and I am beyond excited to be able to hang out with her.
The weekend after that I am away with Liam for a huge family reunion. Three weekends in July I have Saturday night plans already (although I need a date for July 25) and then the first two weeks of August I rented an ocean front property with Liam.
At least in this precise moment, I feel pretty good about keeping busy and being able to move on. And to getting my to-do list accomplished.