An account of the date with the Accountant

As I mentioned a few days ago, a very nice man reached out to me right away – within a minute – of my unhiding my OK Cupid profile. He was a 97% match and quickly proved to be mature, polite, nicely flirty, interesting, and interested.

He is 55, a self-employed Chartered Accountant, and looks nothing like any of the men I’ve dated so far, with a full head of reddish blonde hair. Glasses. Slender.

He has been divorced for almost 10 years, and shares equal custody of his two teenaged sons.

He met all of my rules; we moved to text and then he quickly afterwards asked to meet me for a drink. I chose my favourite restaurant near my office. The last time I was there it was with Tony.

Our date was this evening.

He looked exactly like the one picture he had on his profile. He was quite obviously nervous, but warmed up over time. He was polite and intelligent and we shared lots of conversation about business. Too much conversation about business…he told too many stories. There was some sharing of how we dealt with our splits, handling equal custody, and moving from finding one’s mojo to being ready for a relationship.

No, Sharn, I didn’t bring up the gangbang.

We started with just drinks, then decided to have an appetizer, then chose dinner. All in all, over two hours of conversation. He paid in cash, which made me thing of the Unfortunate Virgin Male.

It was…fine.

Just. Fine.

There was no particular spark, no raucous laughter, no wrist touching over the table. There was a quick kiss on the cheek goodbye.

I could easily go on a second date with him, as it would be a decent way to spend an evening. He would be a gentleman.

I found myself thinking – perhaps if he touched me or kissed me and there was a spark, that might change everything. But does it? Is there always that connection right from the start? That elusive chemistry? I certainly know it when it’s there…as it was with Tony, in spades.

But when it’s not…does it grow? I’ve never really put it to the test.

82 thoughts on “An account of the date with the Accountant

  1. Sometimes it can grow, but look for the spark Ann. You will meet plenty of nice men I’m sure, but when you find the right man, your soul will know. You won’t need to question it.

    • That’s what I think as well but I know in past discussions on my blog, some people have challenged my belief that chemistry is something I can gauge right away. I certainly don’t want to continue to operate under a false belief.

      For sure I know that things aren’t necessarily perfect right away – that a spark doesn’t mean endless love. I don’t get as carried away as I used to.

      I will seek the spark πŸ™‚

    • Thank you πŸ™‚
      I’m going to write a bit more about chemistry because it seems we all approach it in slightly different ways. I want a spark – but I don’t expect fireworks…I know it doesn’t always happen that way.

      • Either chemistry was built over weeks prior to our first meeting (G), or it was there right away (TH and TD).
        With my ex may be the only time when I tried to grow it over time… we all know how that went, so from my experience, I don’t really want to try and grow it. But that probably was my mistake: I didn’t wait to see if it was growing, I tried to make it grow by changing who I was. I think that’s the biggest possible pitfall…

        • It may be in how we define it (and I’m going to write more about it) but chemistry for me doesn’t have anything to do with who I am or how I’m acting… I don’t think…. it’s that combination of intellectual and physical attraction, that spark of alignment between two people…maybe stuff like what my heart wrote about with Tony’s soul.

          Now I can totally see that when something is missing we try to rearrange things to feel better about it. And agree that there’s a line between accommodation, and compromise that goes too far.

  2. As an engineer, I’d love to think you can have a nice set of rules (algorithm) that can automatically make the right connection. I guess that’s the point behind these dating sites – big data, crunch the numbers –> soul mate. Honestly it’s refreshing that it turns out that there is more to this than just some basic filter criteria. There are aspects that are unexplainable. And, at least for me, that’s cool. I realize this doesn’t help you in the least right now. But sounds like you are on the right path with the right combination of using your brain to filter out some, and then listening to your heart to make the selection.

    • I have no illusions that these will magically produce a soul mate. But yes, trial and error has proven to me that NOT following these rules gets less than optimal outcomes…at least given what my desired outcome is.

      Definitely using my brain to filter but the heart wants what it wants!!

  3. I always used to think that the spark would make itself known immediately, but I’ve since changed my mind. The one I’m hopelessly attracted to currently is someone I didn’t have a spark with on our first date. But yeah, I remember your first date with Tony. I remember the wrist moment…I too would find it difficult not to compare.

    • My Mom just said something similar – that sometimes it takes time.

      I do know that usually there is an energy and banter that hooks me – and that doesn’t have to be with someone I’m typically attracted to. I want to give the right guys the right opportunity, but I also don’t want to lead anyone on.

      And yes, the chemistry Tony and I had was insane. Mental and physical. It’s hard to compare anyone to that so I’m trying not too, as hard as it is.

  4. Playing devils advocate here. How’s that spark thing been working for you so far? Give him a couple more dates. As far as good mold. Cheese! Penicillin!

  5. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years now. At first the sex was reasonably good but after several weeks of getting to know each other in and out of bed, the passion grew. Then we feel in love and the sex was amazing. Years later the passion hasn’t diminished and I don’t expect it to. Luckily I gave it enough time or I would have missed out on the love of my life.

      • There really wasn’t an immediate spark. But he was a nice man and the sex was adequate enough at first to keep me coming back. Then we learned each other’s preferences and how to read each other and began sharing fantasies etc. and the sex improved. Then a month in he suddenly broke things off (long story). A couple weeks later we decided to meet again and it was fireworks and has been amazing ever since! Then we fell in love and are now living together and planning our future together.

        • That’s a great story Holly. Glad it worked out for you!

          In this case, we didn’t even kiss…I know that sex isn’t always fireworks the first time and it definitely gets better over time with the right partner.

  6. Spark. It’s not a penis. I don’t believe it can grow.

    You know within a fraction of a second. At least that’s how I always felt it. And his business stories? Those will grow. Can you imagine an entire weekend of accounting stories? How would you restrain yourself from whacking him on the side of the head with your cast iron pan just for a moment of silence?

    • Oh my goodness Marie thank you for that laugh… I may have to quote you “spark. it’s not a penis.” LOL.

      I have always thought it’s either there or it’s not. At least that initial chemistry and energy between two people. I’m decently good at seeing beyond initial nervousness or anxiety.

      But I also recognize that some of the things I did in the past didn’t get me the results I wanted… so am open to, well, being open.

      • I know. But trust me – accountants? They’re like cops in a way, and there’s a reason why they choose these careers specifically.

        I dated an accountant for close to a year and ended it by… well let’s just say it needed to be ended when I was sitting on a countertop with my best friend facing me and let’s just say it’s been feeding some of my best sexual fantasies ever since. The accountant? He’s not fed any fantasies, but sure had many accounting stories to help me sleep at night!

        πŸ˜‰

        • Ah, Marie. Yeah, to be honest I can’t see this accountant feeding any sexual fantasies. But we are pretty much completely aligned in our OKC questions about sex… so there’s something there…

  7. Maybe if you’d offered to crawl under the table and give him a BJ? πŸ™‚ Seriously being an accountant is probably a lot like me, an engineer. We tend to be cautious and methodical, which initially may make us seem dull. My advice would be to take stock of how your interaction was during the date and if that’s how you want to proceed. Certainly it sounds like he’s not the type to drag you to a den of inequity on the first date but if you’re interested hang in there. We are not all as dull as we appear on the outside. LOL

    • Good advice, Larry. The interaction was just fine. He told a lot of work stories but they were grounded in commonalities we had found. There were just too many of them, and not enough questions directed at me that would have allowed him to get to know ME much better. Sure, where I worked and how I came to have the job I had, but not much about the core of who I am.

      I don’t think he’s dull – he couldn’t be to be a 97% match with me on OKC… but there wasn’t that delicious chemistry that occurs with some people. That’s what is tripping me up, because I generally look for that, but not sure if it can develop over time.

  8. In the book, “It’s Just a F**cking Date” by Greg Behrendt and Amira Ruotola, they have an awesome scoring chart to analyze if a guy deserves a second date. Their rationale is that on the first date people are nervous and if a person scores well on a number of things, they deserve a second chance. They don’t believe in the chemistry spark. It’s an awesome list (was he on time, did you like what he was wearing, was he easy to talk to, etc.). I would suggest that he deserves a second date. He may have talked about work because that is an easy default that is comfortable for him. I am extremely guilty of that one, so I sympathize with him.

    • It’s great advice Maggie. I think I would consider a second date if he asks.

      I wonder why they don’t believe in the chemistry spark – I definitely feel it with some people. Perhaps it’s just it can lead us astray…

      and I just read a synopsis of their book and some of what I read sounds like my “rules” post!!

  9. We go on dates for many reasons. The main one is to pursue a connection. You may or may not have found one with this man. The other is to push us out of our envelope and try something new. You’ve been doing that really well with your sex club outings, but has it been a while since you’ve been on a quiet date? Sometimes, when we are really used to the intensity of sex, or romantic drama, a quiet and measured date can be a good stretch as well. You come home realizing that you aren’t totally emotionally and physically spent. That kind of evening may seem boring in the long run; you don’t want that every night, but it can be necessary to have a night like that every once in a while. I like first dates because we arrive with no expectations; it means less artifice, less trying-to-be the person whom the other expects us to me. I find myself talking about topics I almost never hit with my familiars. I find that I can share things that are often hard to share with people I know. I see myself as glass-half full, I see the other person that way, too. I see the world that way, too. Having the freedom, the courage, the self-confidence to go on a first date is a big thing. Even if the chemistry isn’t there, and both parties carefully avoid making promises for a next-time, unless the other person was a royal disaster, I usually feel like the world is a better place after a first date, and I feel good about myself for going out there. On the other hand, there are those dates where the chemistry is there, you both have two drinks, and you end up going back to someone’s place. Those are uplifting, too, ha ha ha.

    • Brilliant comment, very well said.

      I’ve had two first dates now this week (the second one is yet to be written about) and there is something wonderful about someone who isn’t just trying to get down my pants. Not sure if you follow Hy of http://adissolutelifemeans.com but she just talked about the same thing – it’s a bit jarring sometimes when you are used to just being with people for sex, to then have someone just sit across from you and want to talk. And not rush into something physical.

      We sometimes want to have it both ways – a man to be fully respectful and recognize we are more than just sexual creatures, AND who want to touch us, desperately and passionately. It’s hard to reconcile those things sometimes.

      A slower pace is a great thing for me. I just want to have the slower pace plus that spark of – ooooohhhhh this person I really like. Not fireworks, just a spark.

  10. In my experiences, chemistry doesn’t always happen at first sight or any form of immediately although it would be nice. Sometimes, you have to go looking for it in someone or, if you’re of a mind to, create some chemistry if you find them interesting enough to put yourself such an exercise.

    If you can find one thing you like about them, you can find other things about them that’s likeable but, then again, that’s why we often say, “Let’s get together and see what happens!” because we don’t know that we’re automatically gonna click with that person but since we live in an era where instant gratification is so important, learning how to create chemistry seems to have become a lost art. Just my opinion (and related to this somewhat) but we also rely too much on attraction to decide whether or not the sex, if and when it happens, is going to be da bomb; if looking at them doesn’t make all the blood drain to our crotches right away, we don’t wanna be bothered and won’t even give them a chance to see if it’s even possible to get peeled off the ceiling by someone’s not so obvious talents.

    On a first date, the one thing I’m looking for is whether or not they have potential to be more interesting than they are at that moment; if we click, fine, but I’ve learned that if it isn’t there immediately, I know how to create it and now the real question is, “Is she the kind of woman I can make some magic happen?”

    But that’s me and, for the most part, not how women operate in this situation. Besides, it’s all sweeter when you have to work for it but, yep, it can be nice when it just falls into your lap, too.

    • Reading this, I thought to myself “It all depends what your goal is”.
      If what you’re aiming for is just god to great sex, then this can work. If you’re looking for a relationship, I’m not so sure trying to find things that you like about them works so well.
      At least, I tried it, a few times. Most decided after a little while that they didn’t like me in the end (I don’t blame them, I was really messed up!), the last one stuck with me. What happened was that I gave up who I was so much, trying to make it work, that I lost myself.
      Since then, I suppose I didn’t do proper dating the way you do in North America, so I can’t really say what works or not.
      All I know is that I fear it is too easy to get lost again, so I’d rather stick with people with whom I have a spark of some kind…

      • Well, yeah – we all tend to do that which is the easiest thing for us to do in these matters, don’t we? And why wouldn’t it work for a relationship when it’s really and actually about relating with the other person and in as many ways that can be done?

        What, do people think relationships just happen because they’re supposed to? It’s not as much the goal as it is how you go about that whole process and, yes, culturally and globally, we all don’t go about this the exact same way (that would be so boring and predictable, wouldn’t it?) – but would you really want to get into a relationship with someone without discovering a “reason” or two for engaging with them at this level?

        Why is it said that you can or have to learn to love someone and that a lot of people don’t believe in love at first sight? It’s because you’re looking at a lot of things with that person, what you like and dislike about them right alongside of what your needs in this are.

        People approach relationships looking for that spark, that click, that instant chemistry and, often, get bummed out because it doesn’t magically appear – but it doesn’t always happen like that and, realistically, it can’t just happen like that even though we desire/want it to be that easy.

        Such things take time… and fewer people these days want to take the time to find out if the pieces are going to fit and it’s just my opinion that this is the wrong way to go about (a) getting laid on the fly and (b) trying to see if someone can be relationship material.

        Yep, ya need a “reason” to be in a relationship with someone (and not much of one to get laid, to be honest) but if you’re not willing to look deeply for those reasons, why bother? If you’re not willing to communicate effectively and take the time to do this so you can learn about them – like going on several dates with them, then why bother?

        It’s just my thought that if you meet someone and you’re expecting the click to happen immediately, well, jeez, that might not be the “smartest” way to go about it because if you’re expecting it, you might get very disappointed (or whatever) when it doesn’t appear right away – so why would anyone let such an unpredictable expectation be in charge of things?

        That’s why I learned that if it doesn’t happen “immediately,” if I wanna be with them in any way, then I have some work to do; I’m either going to find what I’m looking for in them or I won’t – compatibility just doesn’t happen all by itself; I gotta find out how we can do whatever we’re gonna do together, even if it’s just sex – and that’s something I’m self-motivated to get into; I don’t have to rely on attraction or clicking to decide whether or not to get laid (and nothing more than that) is a good idea unless, of course, the other person says or does something that’ll make me put my dog back on its leash – but that’s different… and if I go into this thinking that it ain’t gonna work for any reason, to me, that’s self-defeating and more so if you’re the one looking for a reason not to engage with them.

        The spark is nice – I’ll never say it isn’t… but I will say that if you don’t know how to create the spark, maybe figuring out how to do it is in order; again, if you can find one thing interesting enough about them, you can find other things that will, ultimately, justify your actions. If you go into this with an “agenda,” you could be setting yourself up to fail so why not approach this from a mindset of, “Let’s see what we can make happen? I’m game if you are!”

        Just my ninety-nine cents worth – and I know that I could be wrong.

    • First of all, I completely agree that the way someone looks on the surface is not going to predict good sex. My story about one of my first dates is testament to that. He’s still the best kisser I’ve ever had. And boy, could he fuck.

      I also agree with you that there are things you can learn about someone that can make a connection deeper. That chemistry can grow.

      But when it comes to whether there is chemistry, for me I know within a couple of minutes. There can be things to make it deeper, or for it to evaporate (at least the mental part), but it’s there or it’s not.

      I’m going to write another post about it because it seems to be a topic people have a lot of varying opinions on…and we seem to define it differently.

      • It makes sense that the definitions vary because we’re all different… but we do know about it in “general” terms then tailor it to fit how we handle this business.

        The big question is what do you do when it’s not there? Will/have you just walked away feeling some kind of way because it wasn’t detected within that couple of minutes or would you stir the pot a bit more to see what’s possible?

        And if you wouldn’t, why not? The psychology happening here is interesting…

        • I rarely if ever just walk away after a couple of minutes. I sat with the Accountant for 2 hours even though my first impression was – meh. We talked about multiple things…I explored a few different topics. I wanted to see how he’d be when he was less nervous.

          But there’s an energy between two people that’s either there or it’s not. I’m not saying it’s the ONLY thing that matters.

  11. With DH and I, our chemistry was nothing like I had experienced with others when we first met. But he was consistent and constant, and our spark was like a slow burn that built and got brighter with time. It was not always exciting or edge-of-my-seat, breathless anticipation, but it has been a long and enduring flame. This potential may not exist with this accountant, but he sounds like an experienced dater who is definitely seeking something more than instant pyrotechnics phenomenon may produce.

    • What were the things that attracted you to him at first and made you willing to see him again?

      And yes, this guy is very mature, very experienced, very centred. It was not a bad date at all.

      • I had dated my share of flakes and unavailable for a variety of reasons in addition to those seeking a stable of fuckable women. DH was stable, steady, consistent. If he said he’d call, he called. If we made plans on Monday for Friday he was confirming with me Thursday night and showing up when he said he would on Friday. If I had a kid crisis he was rolling up his sleeves and helping in whatever way he could. He had an interesting life full of hobbies and friends yet was willing to make room for me and my tribe of (then) munchkins and enjoy fun at our level. He’s not a big guy (long-distance runner thin physique) but is very masculine and stand-up-for-his-family kind of powerful. Plus he liked talking to me, listening and sharing. I found that enormously sexy as time went on.

        • Janelle, this is a great perspective. I remember my Mom telling me about the things that she wanted to find after being with my Dad – and while there were things about my Step-Dad she didn’t like, he had the qualities she found critical. Honestly, commitment to her, and to me. Those were far more important than other things.

          I should ask her whether she felt an initial spark with him…

  12. I can’t speak from any sort of wisdom from my dating years, because I can’t say I’ve ever “dated” someone. I’ve only ever been romantically involved with friends and co-workers. I can imagine casual dating and constant first time meetings must be the hardest way to actually meet people if you need instant chemistry to move things along. In all my entaglements, which aren’t very many, attraction grew over time until self imposed personal boundaries couldn’t be maintained.

    On the one hand you can’t risk letting a stranger into your life if the relationship isn’t going anywhere. On the other hand, it’s impossible to know how many people are discarded because they needed a time to grow on you.

    Your an executive so I’m sure you’ve seen all sorts of workplace affairs? Often the 2 people aren’t even attracted to each other at first, yet after being close to each other for a while feelings grow and they lose their minds for each other, trash their marriages, and maybe ruin their careers. Now that’s chemistry!! I speak from experience here.

    Another lesson from work is first impressions and how wrong they usually are. I’ve frequently been in a hiring position and my first choice is almost always not the best. The best employees….the ones we value most….are almost always the 2nd, 3rd, or 4th choice. Not a perfect analogy, but if humans generally suck at HR, why would be any better at long term mate selection. The divorce rate suggests we’re not.

    I also wonder how much timing plays a role in chemistry. Basically people are all about feelings and emotions. If we meet someone at just the right time under the right circumstances there’s a spark. A day before or a day after there’s nothing.

    One last point. Some people have something about them that creates instant chemistry. Looks can be part of it, but there are plenty of attractive women I have zero chemistry with. There are some people, men and women, that just seem to have SOMETHING about them. The problem is that they likely have instant chemistry with almost everyone of the opposite sex. Maybe Tony was one of the those people.

    I’d say give the accountant a chance if you find him attractive and interesting. Who knows, he might grow on you. Hopefully he hasn’t moved on already.

    • Thanks for your thoughtful and detailed response. I think you and I may see chemistry in slightly different ways – and I’m going to write more about it.

      Chemistry for me is mental and physical and just a certain “something”. They don’t have to be conventionally attractive for me to experience it. And it happens with friends as well. New people I meet all the time – some I have chemistry with and others I don’t.

      So it is either there, or it’s not. There are varying degrees of the chemistry I feel with people.

      What you describe from workplace affairs I think could be chemistry but is more likely, from what I’ve experienced and what I’ve read, has to do with shared experience and proximity. People who work together tend to share stress and other experiences and that draws us to them. Especially when there is chemistry as well.

      And Tony is not the kind of person to create chemistry with everyone. I’m outgoing and fun and studies show that extroverts are more likely to experience chemistry with people – but there are plenty of people I don’t “click” with.

  13. Yes.Yes.Yes! Absolutely it can grow. Strong initial chemistry is fantastic and is very like a drug high…but growing chemistry is so much fun! Taking things slow…becoming comfortable gradually…I love it.

    • What if you don’t have initial chemistry?

      I’ve been reading psychology today and what they say creates chemistry…I will do a follow up post because this seems to be a hot topic.

  14. I don’t know about you, but with me I know within 2 minutes of meeting a man whether I’ll bed him or not.

    Within 10 minutes I know if I want to know more about him and not leave it just as a physical thing.

    Within a few weeks I start falling if everything fits perfectly and all the boxes are ticked.

    I knew with Cern as soon as I saw him that I would be bedding him. I knew after our first coffee date that his intellect interested me. I knew after the first week that our sex life was still awesome. I knew after the third week that I wanted something more with him. And by the end of the month I was looking at breaking up with him rather than continue because I believed he didn’t want a relationship … until he proved me wrong and chased me down.

    Moral of the story?

    You know when there may be something there. Trust yourself.

    <3 xoxox

    • Definitely he was like that. Given our high match (which includes sexual questions) I don’t doubt his alignment to me (maybe not as extreme), but it was hard for me to not feel any sexual energy from him. Just different.

  15. I’ve had both experiences myself. With my ex-boyfriend (we broke up in January after dating almost a year) the feelings I had for him developed slowly with time. We met at a charity event; he approached me and struck up a conversation. I remember at the time thinking he was pretty good-looking, but I felt quite indifferent. I wasn’t sure if it had to do with the fact that I’d recently gotten out of a relationship that had badly hurt me so I was just jaded. I gave him my number, he asked me out, and on our first date I found him VERY attractive, but again, felt indifferent. He was perfectly nice and intelligent and ticked a lot of my boxes so I couldn’t understand it and blamed it on him not being the same person as the one I still pined for. We had a second date, there was making out and I was still going “meh” in my head!

    My mother convinced me to give him one more chance because I was convinced we were clearly not a match. Well…this time something changed. After that date I started falling really hard for him. There was talking, connecting…and he was smart, educated…and so good-looking to boot.

    But you know what? Sometimes I look back on it now and wonder if it wasn’t for the best; that maybe I’d managed to convince myself to fall in love with someone who wasn’t right for me because he looked right on paper. During our relationship, when things seemed to be going well, I always thought the chemistry had developed like a slow burn because I’d been so sick and tired of dating, and was so jaded I couldn’t let myself fall too fast for someone new.

    But I haven’t ever really felt a serious “spark” after meeting someone right away until I met the man I’m now seeing. So I know what that feels like too. With this guy, it was like immediate fireworks; we met through a friend at an event and he tracked me down afterwards to stay in touch. The first time we went out there was nothing physical beyond a hug at the end of the night but we laughed and talked and hung on to each others’ every word the entire time.

    So, I guess what I am saying is that it can work both ways…at least it did for me, if that means anything. It’s my experience at the very least. Maybe that means both are possible, and one is not better than the other, and who’s to say one way guarantees a lasting relationship over another? Those factors that give a relationship staying power are unrelated to initial chemistry, as we all know. It’s timing, compatibility, emotional connection and a host of other factors.

    I would give it a chance but if you’re still feeling nothing after a couple dates move on. You’ve got nothing to lose. Good luck.

    (Sorry this was so long!)

  16. I’ve never known it to grow and STICK. I think we can sort of settle and say it’s not bad, but chemistry is either there or it isn’t. For me at least.

  17. In my experience, chemistry is either there or it’s not. But, it is often impossible to tell until you kiss. For good or bad. If a man is interesting to talk to and I would potentially enjoy spending time with him again based on his personality, I almost always think it’s worthwhile to find out if there’s any chemistry once we kiss. This is also part of why I think man should always kiss a woman on the first date if he thinks it went well and he would like to see her again. And why I’m opposed to first dates over lunch, since those are unlikely to be conducive to kissing.

    • I know if there’s chemistry before we kiss… because it’s both mental and physical. Then, with kissing, you establish sexual compatibility…which adds fuel to the chemistry.

      But yeah, I love to kiss on the first date (trying not to do more these days) because I like to know whether we work well together. You can tell a lot about a person from their kiss.

      Thanks for the comment!

    • Unwilling to work for a spark? Do you really think it works that way?

      And I am willing to work for it. God, all this feels like is work. I could have walked out of the restaurant after downing my first drink but I gave him a chance to be more comfortable and see how that worked. I spent over two hours talking to him.

      Spark happens plenty of times – with friends and dates. It’s not common that there in INSANE chemistry. That’s pretty rare. But I’ve been researching about chemistry and found some interesting things…which I’m going to write about.

What do you think?