Fluid loss was the theme of last week.
I can’t believe it’s only been seven days since I broke it off with Tony. It feels like forever and I miss him so much. All these little things remind me of him, and my first instinct is to text or call him – but I don’t. I have held true to my self-imposed no contact promise, both in spirit and letter.
A close friend gently told me he’s gone forever; the reality is if he wanted me, he would figure it out. I can come up with all kinds of rationalizations for his behaviour, but I know deep down it’s true. Regardless, there’s a part of me that so badly hopes its not true. Hoping there is a happy and romantic ending. I guess I’m not 100% cynic.
I have managed to stay off the dating sites. But before I claim any kind of moral victory, the truth is I haven’t needed them to interact with men.
My sex with Mr Tinder was only three days after the last conversation with Tony. It felt like much longer. I haven’t heard from him since he confirmed he got home safely that night. I’m curious – nothing more – whether it’s the last time I will hear from him, or if some late night again I will get a booty call text.
When I feel something other than sad and wistful, it’s the desire to pick up where I left off when I met Tony back in December. I’m not sure how to describe it, but I don’t feel like I’m trying to fill an emotional void as much as just getting back to things. Which happens to include reaching out to some people who I put on “pause”.
I think this is also driven by my broader return to normal since Will has returned. I’m reaching out in many ways.
At least, that’s what I tell myself.
The Comedian and I were trying to find a time to meet for a drink (just as friends, I believe).
Shenanigans is texting me.
I reached out to Jason, to ask whether he was around and when we could get together. He knows what I like, and what I need, and I trust him. He was away on business but said he’d get in touch when he returned.
Another former lover has been texting me as well. I haven’t written any posts about but he’s #52 on the “Men I’ve Slept With” List. He got in touch after we both swiped right on Tinder in the couple of days I was online there. More about him later.
Which also makes me realize I need to update that list. Before I forget them all 😐
One day this past week, I wandered around on FetLife. I still get notices for the groups I follow, friend requests, and the link, so have on occasion checked things out on the site. This time, I was deleting messages in my inbox I had no intention of responding to, and looking at the people who had sent me friend requests. My profile says that I’m taking a break from the site, but it hasn’t stopped people from reaching out.
Looking at my message, I paused at a message exchange between me and a couple “in the lifestyle”. They had reached out to me shortly after I joined the site, and we’d talked about meeting but it never worked out. She’s bi, and he’s straight, probably a decade older than I, they always play together, and they are very well known in swingers circles. They have a reputation for being lovely people and looked like a lot of fun. I’m curious about being with a woman and a couple like them seemed like a good place to start.
They knew I was taking a break because I was in an exclusive relationship. They knew Tony was interested in swingers clubs but we hadn’t gotten to the point of visiting yet. After a moment of debate, I sent them a quick note, to update them yet again. I told them I was newly single and would be interested in perhaps going to an event some day soon, and asked them to let me know when they were attending something local.
I also sent a quick note to another FetLife friend – one who took me on a lovely first (and only) date at a pressure points seminar, facilitated by a Dom. Which I never wrote about, but it was fascinating and fun. Nothing physical happened between us, but he had offered to help me navigate some of the exploration I want to do. He also knew about Tony.
Within a couple of hours, I heard back from the couple. Turned out, they were going to an event in a local sex / swingers club this past Saturday, and suggested I go as well. I had no child, and no plans.
I started ruminating. Could I actually take the plunge and go to a swingers club solo? Meet a sort of random couple and potentially have sex with them? With others? Was I just trying to fill some emotional void left by Tony’s departure? Or was this really just a continuation of the exploration I’ve wanted to do since my sexual barn doors were opened?
I took a day to think about it. While scared out of my mind, I knew I wanted to go. Nobody was going to force me to do something I didn’t want to do.
And then the plan came together nicely. Jason contacted me on Friday and said he was back. Knowing he had played with couples before, was bi, and loved to have sex with me, I asked him if he wanted to join me at the club on Saturday. I planned to meet the couple mid-afternoon. He couldn’t join me then, but could later that night.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I sent them a note and said I was coming. They were excited to meet me.
And I was scared shitless.