Who needs dating sites? Or, how I went to a swingers club within a week of being single.

Fluid loss was the theme of last week.

I can’t believe it’s only been seven days since I broke it off with Tony. It feels like forever and I miss him so much. All these little things remind me of him, and my first instinct is to text or call him – but I don’t. I have held true to my self-imposed no contact promise, both in spirit and letter.

A close friend gently told me he’s gone forever; the reality is if he wanted me, he would figure it out. I can come up with all kinds of rationalizations for his behaviour, but I know deep down it’s true. Regardless, there’s a part of me that so badly hopes its not true. Hoping there is a happy and romantic ending. I guess I’m not 100% cynic.

I have managed to stay off the dating sites. But before I claim any kind of moral victory, the truth is I haven’t needed them to interact with men.

My sex with Mr Tinder was only three days after the last conversation with Tony. It felt like much longer. I haven’t heard from him since he confirmed he got home safely that night. I’m curious – nothing more – whether it’s the last time I will hear from him, or if some late night again I will get a booty call text.

When I feel something other than sad and wistful, it’s the desire to pick up where I left off when I met Tony back in December. I’m not sure how to describe it, but I don’t feel like I’m trying to fill an emotional void as much as just getting back to things. Which happens to include reaching out to some people who I put on “pause”.

I think this is also driven by my broader return to normal since Will has returned. I’m reaching out in many ways.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

The Comedian and I were trying to find a time to meet for a drink (just as friends, I believe).

Shenanigans is texting me.

I reached out to Jason, to ask whether he was around and when we could get together. He knows what I like, and what I need, and I trust him. He was away on business but said he’d get in touch when he returned.

Another former lover has been texting me as well. I haven’t written any posts about but he’s #52 on the “Men I’ve Slept With” List. He got in touch after we both swiped right on Tinder in the couple of days I was online there. More about him later.

Which also makes me realize I need to update that list. Before I forget them all 😐

One day this past week, I wandered around on FetLife. I still get notices for the groups I follow, friend requests, and the link, so have on occasion checked things out on the site. This time, I was deleting messages in my inbox I had no intention of responding to, and looking at the people who had sent me friend requests. My profile says that I’m taking a break from the site, but it hasn’t stopped people from reaching out.

Looking at my message, I paused at a message exchange between me and a couple “in the lifestyle”. They had reached out to me shortly after I joined the site, and we’d talked about meeting but it never worked out. She’s bi, and he’s straight, probably a decade older than I, they always play together, and they are very well known in swingers circles. They have a reputation for being lovely people and looked like a lot of fun. I’m curious about being with a woman and a couple like them seemed like a good place to start.

They knew I was taking a break because I was in an exclusive relationship. They knew Tony was interested in swingers clubs but we hadn’t gotten to the point of visiting yet. After a moment of debate, I sent them a quick note, to update them yet again. I told them I was newly single and would be interested in perhaps going to an event some day soon, and asked them to let me know when they were attending something local.

I also sent a quick note to another FetLife friend – one who took me on a lovely first (and only) date at a pressure points seminar, facilitated by a Dom. Which I never wrote about, but it was fascinating and fun. Nothing physical happened between us, but he had offered to help me navigate some of the exploration I want to do. He also knew about Tony.

Within a couple of hours, I heard back from the couple. Turned out, they were going to an event in a local sex / swingers club this past Saturday, and suggested I go as well. I had no child, and no plans.

I started ruminating. Could I actually take the plunge and go to a swingers club solo? Meet a sort of random couple and potentially have sex with them? With others? Was I just trying to fill some emotional void left by Tony’s departure? Or was this really just a continuation of the exploration I’ve wanted to do since my sexual barn doors were opened?

I took a day to think about it. While scared out of my mind, I knew I wanted to go. Nobody was going to force me to do something I didn’t want to do.

And then the plan came together nicely. Jason contacted me on Friday and said he was back. Knowing he had played with couples before, was bi, and loved to have sex with me, I asked him if he wanted to join me at the club on Saturday. I planned to meet the couple mid-afternoon. He couldn’t join me then, but could later that night.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I sent them a note and said I was coming. They were excited to meet me.

And I was scared shitless.

Part Two

0 thoughts on “Who needs dating sites? Or, how I went to a swingers club within a week of being single.

  1. Me neither 😉

    But you are right: who needs dating sites? 🙂
    So far, I’ve managed to meet more than enough men while never signing up on an actual dating site 🙂

    • Well, I’ve not met anyone EXCEPT through dating sites (Johnny Id doesn’t count), so for dating, that’s where I’ve been successful. I guess I did meet Andrew, but that started off as a threesome so perhaps a bit different lol…

      • Yes, I understand. There is value in simply going out though. I believe if you’re really open to meet people, they come to you 😉
        At least it’s worked for me 🙂

        • I’m certainly open to the possibilities. I do go out but usually is with friends. Men rarely if ever approach me. Not sure why that is, but I find I have to be the one to make the first move which I often don’t do if I’m there to talk to a girlfriend!

          I’m okay with not seeking out another relationship right now. Trying to fill my time bucket with friends, family, and I suppose the occasional casual sex. I want to give myself the next two weeks – my no contact time with Tony – and then once I confirm my suspicion that he will make made no mental progress whatsoever, I will have to move on 🙁

          • As I wrote (I can’t remember where, whether it was here on WP or to a girlfriend or even to The Dancer), that is partly why I tend to go out alone. The one time I went dancing with a group of girlfriends, someone was interested, even gave me his number, but I didn’t follow up much, because I didn’t feel right telling my girlfriends “Hey, you know what, I organised the evening, but I’m going to drop you and stay with that nice gentleman there, see where it leads!”.
            There are many reasons for me, one being that I still feel awkward displaying my sexuality so blatantly to my friends (some of them I barely knew!), the other being that I don’t want to put any of them in a tough spot if my ex decided to ask for them to testify against me. I don’t want them to feel like they are betraying me by telling a judge that I left an evening with a man instead of with them.
            Plus I was the only single lady that evening and we were definitely not looking for the same things. They were interested in looking at striking and muscular young men, to make them feel like they were still young. I was interested in men my age who I wouldn’t need to teach respect or how to take care of my needs. I know my needs are scary to some (they were to my ex), and I feel the younger they are, the more scared they’ll be.
            All this to say: try going out by yourself, and sending out the vibes that you’re available, and see what happens.
            After the two weeks have gone by, of course, if that’s the time frame you gave him and yourself.
            I know that I’m possibly a bit scary, I’m the lady who goes to dance by herself if the music appeals, even when no one else is dancing at all… not everybody can do that apparently (the Dancer and I had a discussion about it yesterday night).
            Oh well… we each do what we do in the best way we know how do it.
            And if online dating works for you… 🙂

          • I think it’s awesome you go out alone. I went on a vacation solo last year and eating dinners alone was the worst – and the thing I’m glad I conquered.

            I’ve been told I can seem intimidating. Not sure about that – I try to come across as approachable, but I find it easier when I’m with at least one friend. But I may try again!

            And the two weeks (three in total) is just my own internal pace. I gave him no timeframe. I know longer is probably better because nothing is going to happen for him in three weeks, but I needed to have what felt like a reasonable, bite sized, timeline.

          • Yes, going out alone is not always easy, but it does have its rewards 🙂
            I guess there is a problem for you between coming across as more approachable when with a girlfriend and not actually being free to be approached when you are with a girlfriend… You’ll find the way, I’m sure 🙂
            As for the 3 weeks… you are the leader of your life. Do what feels right to you! 🙂

  2. I’m glad for you that you took the plunge. Can’t wait to read about it, and truth be told, can’t wait to read up about how you felt post exploration.

    All this can be very liberating. Kudos to you!

    • Thanks Marie! While not my first club experience, it was the first time going to specifically meet someone for the first time.

      Right now it feels weird to be in my corporate environment, all executive-like, but having the physical reminders of the debauched weekend.

  3. Hopefully you had a good time at the house party. Don’t worry about being a single at the party as unicorns are always welcome. We have a couple of unicorns that we party with and they always come stag. An older couple might be good to help you ease into the party scene until you get comfortable with everything.

    • Ah, if it was a house party I would have been more comfortable 🙂

      This is an sex / swingers club in my city. It was arriving alone that I was most concerned about…just that initial nervousness of whether people would talk to me, etc. And I have gained about 10 lbs in my middle and it’s really bugging me. If everyone else was a hard body I could have been rather insecure about the whole thing.

      I am writing more about it, but I did have a great time.

      • I won’t comment too much about the club vs house party bit. Going to a house party if you don’t know the hosts woukd be quite daunting to me, whereas a club allows for anonymity…
        However, I want to comment about the 10 lbs.
        First, please (re)read my post Flaws 😉
        Secondly, I’ve had more than one man telling me that my curves are beguiling. And make no mistake: I’m tall and overweight. Imposing, some might say. But yesterday I was told that I have an African ass that apparently makes more than a few men go wild. You’ve seen my boobs. Nothing dainty about them. What you haven’t seen are my thighs. They match the rest. So does my belly. Yet since I’ve started to accept my body as beautiful in and of itself, I have met more men than ever before.
        And yesterday I was told again that someone loved the hair on my arms. Go figure!

        All this to say: don’t feel bad about your body. Be proud of it for serving you so well. What makes someone most attractive I’ve come to realise is how they move in that body, much more than what the body looks like!
        If you don’t like something about yourself, chances are someone else will!

        I think my time at the club was great for showing me that. I am much more attractive than I had been made to believe in all these years of marriage, or than I had started to believe.
        I’m hoping your time there taught you a similar lesson. If not: go back and try agsin until you’re sure of it 😉

        • Thank you my dearest. I really appreciate the support.

          Generally, I love my body for what it’s capable of. Right now however, especially since this came on so quickly as a result of the stress, I find the weight gain stressful in and of itself. Also because I know how hard it is to lose.

          I will try to at least have it not get worse. But I don’t know that I can handle any kind of serious diet and exercise regimen in addition to everything else right now.

          • I completely understand. And I haev taken the same approach as you: I try to have it not get worse. But I have just too much on my mind, I cannot concentrate on losing anything. And I am discovering that I am still attractive exactly the way I am, so I don’t let it bother me too much any more 🙂
            Good luck with the ‘everything else’. The weight will sort itself out when the rest sorts itself too. And there is still a valuable lesson to be learnt from it: you are desirable because you are you, not because you weigh this much or that much.
            Hugs!
            OX

  4. This is the Ann I’ve come to know. I think I understand what you want to do, what you wanted with Tony, and I’ll never say that you’ll never have that… but you need to give your emotions a break and reset… but, in the meantime, you still have needs that have to be fulfilled and if you’re fulfilling them, I have nothing to say about that other than be safe and have lots of fun.

    Through any of this, we have to be true to who we are as a person and sometimes the things we might want to do just won’t ring true against the person we need to be. You could, like maybe other women might, let yourself be all down in the dumps about Tony, start “swearing off men,” become celibate out of a sense of worthlessness (I guess that’s what it is) but, obviously, that’s not what you’re doing and I applaud you for not doing that.

    When you are once again ready to settle down, Ann, I have no doubt that you’ll be able to accomplish this goal but until you do, you still have a life to live… so live it.

    • Your comment just helped me figure out how to say where my head is at. Thank you!!

      While I know some people have suggested I need to take a break from all sex / dating, I feel differently.

      I’m not broken as a result of this breakup. I don’t feel worthless, or rejected, or insecure about who I am. I don’t think I could have done a damn thing differently with Tony – it’s all him, not me.

      I miss him terribly, and want to reach out to him many times a day. I wonder how he is doing, and wish things were different. None of which is a surprise: I was with him for 5 months and depending on the day, wonder if I fell in love with him when I wasn’t trying to.

      So while I’m not keen to jump into dating right now and fill my emotional and relationship bucket with someone else (at the very least, I probably need to validate my assumption that a few weeks will do nothing for Tony’s decision making process), I feel like I can do the kinds of things I am doing, without damaging myself.

      It’s different than before, where I would feel rejected by someone and dive back in to help erase the pain of their rejection. I write that and challenge myself – is that really true, Ann? – and all that comes back is – yup. I’m good.

      • Glad I could help. Should you take a break from trying to have a more, ah, monogamous relationship? Kinda – at the least, reset your thinking on this. Should you just stop doing the other things you need to do? Hell no – and I’ve never really understood why women will do this on the heels of a breakup.

        If you’re good, it’s all good…

  5. I remember the days after the ax club passing by in a haze. A good haze. One that kind of dulls other senses. Right now I think this is perfect for you. Needs met +

  6. Reactivating all these former lovers AND heading off to a swingers club all within a week of a break-up…what would you say if you had an imaginary daughter she told you that she was doing this?

    • To be clear, the only lover I reactivated was Jason. The Comedian and I are friends first. Shenanigans reached out to me – and per my earlier comment back to you, I would have to be very bored and very horny to contemplate having sex with him again. I’m unlikely to be that bored.

      I actually talked about it with the Psychotherapist I’ve seen a couple of times (and some of that is repeated in comments). I am not using this to “get over” Tony. I am not having sex to fill some emotional void that’s been left. I haven’t gone back onto dating sites to get attention or feel wanted again. I wouldn’t even say I’m using sex as a distraction from the breakup.

      I am mourning the loss of him in my life, and allowing myself to feel that fully.

      The exploration with that couple was something I put on pause when I met Tony. Same with going to the club. He was willing to go with me, but we hadn’t gotten around to doing it yet. So I took these things off pause, and giving circumstances, it happened faster than I expected.

      The therapist said that it’s not harmful based on why I’m doing what I’m doing, and how I’m using it. She used an alcohol example – if you have a couple glasses of wine every night because you are out for dinner, or have it with dinner or after work because you appreciate wine, etc., that’s one thing. If you have a couple glasses of wine because you like that it makes you feel fuzzy and forget your hard day, that’s the problem.

      I like sex, I’m highly sexual, and I’m exploring my sexuality. I haven’t gone on dating sites to try to find a new relationship because that’s exactly the equivalent to drinking to dull the pain. I don’t want to do that, I want to break that habit – which I’m doing. I’m not texting old lovers or men who never got off the ground from a dating perspective, in the hopes that something can happen. A year ago, that’s what I would have done, and what I was doing.

      If I had a friend or daughter who was doing that (and I do – one public one is a fellow blogger) I would counsel her to not try to fill the emotional needs and hurts with another man. It’s not the path to emotional health.

      I’m fairly certain you won’t believe me, but you should. I know what’s in my heart and mind, and that emotional neediness I had in the past simply isn’t here.

    • If you’re like most people, your teenage years were hormone filled and constant thoughts of sex. As adults a lot of people seem to forget that stage in life sort of like “I smoked but never inhaled.” We should always realize that our kids are no different and we should accept their choices after they become adults. I’d suggest that you try to not picture your daughter with her ankles tucked behind her head. I always remember the old saying, “You call me a slut like it’s a bad thing.”

      • I turned out okay (well, some may disagree) and I started having sex right before my 14th birthday. Definitely wish I hadn’t started so young, but I was also not in a place where I could separate the emotional void I was using sex to fill, and the sheer fact I was very sexual.

        Now I’m in a way different place – I don’t engage with men that I don’t want to, just because they do. That’s fundamentally the biggest difference.

        What I can hope to give my child is a feeling of security and no abandonment that they may fill with others at some later date, in an unhealthy way.

        • I would think also trying to instill a level of trust so that he/she could come and talk to you about things without you going into orbit. I believe people should try to be practical with their kids as you might not agree with what they do but hopefully you have some control or influence over their actions. If they want to climb into the backset of a Honda then there is no way you’re going to stop them, however my back is starting to hurt with the thought of it. LOL I started having sex at 14 myself and so would be not the right person to preach also.

          • I completely agree with you. I want to be able to help my child make strong choices and be able to come to me to sort things out. Even if I don’t like that he’s having sex with a certain person, I would want him to at least treat him / her well and be safe, that kind of thing. And hopefully do things because he wants to, not because he feels pressure.

            I was assaulted once and I don’t think I ever talked to anyone about it. It was someone who I didn’t really like but went to his place anyway. There were definitely men I fucked when I was younger just because I wanted to feel desired, I guess.

        • I had typed a long comment, then my broadband crashed… Let me try again!
          I think you turned out Ok, just as I did (though I feel the same sort of people in my life may disagree…).
          And I totally agree with Larry too: I want to keep the channels of communication open with my kids. I want to discuss with them the pros and cons of all things, I want to give them facts, so that they know what they aer getting themselves into. And then, I need to let them make their own mistakes, learn what they need to learn at a given time.
          But most of all, I want them to know that, no matter what, and irrespective of gender, they can come to me and ask me questions about anything. And that if they feel they need help, they can always count on me to come get them, even if there may be consequences afterwards, that they at least shouldn’t fear my reaction.
          As for having sex… I’d rather they have a safe place to have their first time than do it at the back of a car. After all, I reserve that for myself 😉 (jk!)

          • Yeah, the one thing you don’t want to happen is to have your kids screw up (like getting PG) and then make dumb decisions without knowing better or getting your input. Learn from others as life is too short for you to make all the mistakes yourself.

  7. Dawn – PG is preggo, in a family way, the rabbit died, taking seriously what was poked at you in fun, “It’s no big deal, I’m always late”, don’t worry I’ll pull it out before I cum like in the porn movies and spray all over your face.

What do you think?