What not to do when you are planning to break up with someone (Part One)

With apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein, sing with me: “how do you solve a problem like To-ny“…

While he had been even more silent than usual after coming back from his vacation, Tony agreed to come with me to a concert on Thursday night. We had a little bit of text communications and a phone call leading up to Thursday night.

I have been very sad this week. Although not because of anything new, or any one incident, it felt like suddenly all the things I’ve been dealing with had managed to come to the surface. Any discussion about work, Tony, or dealing with Will and Liam, had me on the verge of tears. Sometimes, I cried. Hard. It was not pretty.

My week wasn’t all bad – I had some good discussions about job prospects. I went for an all-day preventative medical exam that did tons of blood work, heart and lung stress tests, ultrasounds of all major organs, fitness tests, mammogram, vision and hearing tests, and the list goes on. It was all good news – my year-long hiatus from the gym and results of surgery only resulted in a 6 lb increase from last year. While I lost some upper body strength, I was still above average for the other tests. My chronically elevated cholesterol is down, now completely normal. I have a 1% chance of a major cardiac or other event.

So, you guys are stuck with me for a while.

I booked an appointment with a psychiatrist, for next week.

But I was nervous about Thursday’s date. I knew I had things to say but wasn’t sure if I wanted to bring them up at dinner. I wasn’t sure if Tony was going to be able to come to my place afterwards. I knew what problems I wanted to say I was having, but struggled with determining the “so what”.

And that was probably the hardest thing to actually figure out. I’m clear about the things I don’t like. I know the mistakes I’m afraid of repeating. But ultimately, I really, really, like being with Tony.

I’m not blinded by amazing sex. He’s not giving me so much that it’s hard to walk away from. I’m not afraid of being alone. I know there are other guys out there. But here’s the thing: I know how difficult it is to find someone with whom you get along with really well, whose personality gels well with yours. Who just “fits” from a relationship perspective. I also know how hard it is to find someone with whom you have physical chemistry – particularly when it comes to being interested in exploring some new, kinky, things.

I have found fewer of the former (“relationship” compatibility) than the latter. But I am hard pressed to think of anyone who has come close to meeting both these aspects of what I need in a partner. Except Tony.

So while the timing sucks and emotionally he’s not giving me what I need, that’s the core of my conflict. I also, being the highly analytical person I am, worry that the relationship compatibility I see is just what I wish to be true. It’s what happened with my ex, Will. It is one of the mistakes I’m most afraid of making again.

We met for dinner. He complimented me appropriately. We shared a great meal, laughed, bantered, and I realized how disconnected I’d felt from him in the last month.

We walked to the concert. Survived the first half, and then his discomfort (long legs, knee and hip issues, Β and helping a friend move that day) resulted in my offering to leave. He asked to get a drink somewhere, which I thought was a great idea.

As we nursed drinks and chatted, I was completely focussed on whether I was going to take the conversational plunge. It must have shown on my face, because he asked me what I was thinking about. I said “you…and me…”, and then I took a deep breath and started to talk.

(Part Two)

0 thoughts on “What not to do when you are planning to break up with someone (Part One)

  1. I totally get what you’re saying, that you really like him on a relationship level.
    And that when you’re with him, you feel how much you’ve missed him and everything feels fine.
    I’m not going to say any more, I’ll wait for you to write about it all πŸ™‚

  2. Ann, one day at a time, my friend. Take them one at a time. I realize that people like us tend to make difficult situations increasing (internally) worse when we are left to ponder, consider, extrapolate…analyze. The funny thing with love and relationships is that analysis is almost always inaccurate because we cannot get into the head and heart of our partner. Our analysis of them is a mere surface scan and conjecture. We are then left to look in the mirror and convince ourselves to head into a predetermined direction and then we connect with our partner and the plan goes straight out the window.

    Breathe and relax. Don’t rush anything.

What do you think?