Reporting in on Day 3

On what would have been my 12th wedding anniversary, I decided to practice letting go of desire. Not for sex, people, that would be crazy!

I have very large post it notes with “LET GO” in big red block letters posted on my bathroom mirror, and beside my bed – and I may also put one up at work. They help.

I’ve likened this process to how my yoga instructor used to assist in my meditation. I was supposed to focus on my breathing, and if I found my mind wandering to other thoughts, I needed to recognize what I was doing, tell myself to put that thought away for the moment, and get back to my focus.

So, when I feel that pulling feeling of needing to hear from Tony, get some positive reinforcement, or go on to Tinder or OK Cupid to get a little boost, I stop, recognize what’s going on, and do something else. It actually helps – especially because I do my yoga breathing at the same time πŸ™‚

So far, so good.

I’m not working next Monday and I also have Liam, so I have three days to plan with him. There are a few options I’m going to float to Tony when he surfaces after two days of shooting, and we’ll see how that goes. BUT I’m going ahead with those plans regardless. If he joins me, great, and if not, I’m going to have an excellent time regardless – and not be disappointed. His loss.

And that’s the kind of progress I’m talking about.

0 thoughts on “Reporting in on Day 3

  1. Sounds like you’re getting very grounded. I have been working hard at letting go for the last six months, and I feel so much stronger from doing so. I also meditate, and it works wonders. I would recommend it to anyone who wants to become more aware of subconscious patterns. It’s almost like magic how even addictions don’t sound as fun…they just naturally seem to fall away.

    Have a fun, extended weekend with your son, sweet Ann!

    • Thank you, Jami. I remember your meditation comments from before and agree – I need to get back into yoga which is good for my body and mind.

      I’ve been good the last few days of letting go of that neediness as it relates to Tony. At the very least, it’s helping me focus on the other crap I’m dealing with right now.

  2. THAT’S IT ANN!!! That’s it! That’s what I was trying to tell you!! I am so happy to see you talking/thinking like this!

  3. Hmm, I don’t think I’d let go of my desires… but I wouldn’t let them have so much control that they’d make me behave like Pavlov’s dog. We need our desires… we just don’t have to give into them when it’s not in our best interest to do so.

    At turns in our lives, we have to not ask how high when our desires tell us to jump; they can get in our way, cloud our thought processes, rearrange our priorities, stuff like that. Yes, we should be aware of them – we should want what we want – because, well, life would be pretty uninteresting without them. Still, we do have to learn to not let our desires run our lives so much and more so when we have more pressing things that require our attention – and you, my friend, have a lot of pressing things on your plate.

    Letting go of one’s desires – and in any context, I think – is akin to killing ourselves a piece at a time. Without any offense to any women who might read this, I’ve noticed that when women face troubling situations, they tend to just shut themselves down, like becoming celibate or refusing to date or act as if the things they need to make themselves happy have zero importance and those things – like desires – are really more trouble than they’re worth, and other stuff like that. I’ve always thought that this is a mistake – and a grave one. Yes, focus is important when you need to get some shit done but you don’t focus by letting go of stuff (and in any context this might mean) – you just temporarily set them aside, downgrade their importance (in a sense) so that you can concentrate on whatever you need to be focused on.

    And, yeah, I could be wrong… but I had to say something to you about those pesky desires. We need them, can’t really ignore them, but there are times when we want what we want and in the way we want them, not now, but after (add something here) gets taken care of.

    • I absolutely appreciate what you are saying to me, and I’ve been unable to describe how I’m letting go of desire but not my desires… I will give you an example.

      I want someone to be emotionally engaged with me, who reaches out and gives me their time and attention. I’m NOT going to let that go. In my relationship with my ex, after being brutally hurt in the early days, I did what you described – completely shut down. I have no intention of doing that again.

      What I am going to do, however, is recognize that my wanting people to be engaged and interested in my life, and help me feel loved, doesn’t have to come from a man, and it doesn’t come from one person.

      Said another way – when I’m feeling lonely, there are a lot of people I can reach out to. It doesn’t have to be Tony, and it doesn’t even have to be a man.

      I think if I can truly fill my life, heart, and soul, with my friends, my interests, my family, and me, then I will be a much better partner when someone comes along who’s right for me. While I not completely at the start of that journey, I want to be farther along than where I am today.

      It allows me to take the pressure off needing things that Tony can’t give me right now. Perhaps he never can, and I will make a decision sooner or later if that seems to be the case, but for now, practicing letting go of my neediness, and redirecting it elsewhere, is helping me not bang my head against a wall every five minutes and is making me feel even stronger.

What do you think?