That’s a lie: I just might.
I haven’t broken up with Tony. I’m sure some of you are pleased to hear this and some of you just banged your head on your screen in frustration.
I know I don’t want to hang by a thread of hope for something to change. I know I don’t want to live off scraps of communication and affection. I don’t want to be constantly frustrated at wanting more, and not getting it. I know I’m worthy of someone amazing.
I also know Tony and I have a wonderful time together, he cares about me, and makes me laugh. He’s intelligent, passionate, and curious.
My new nickname is Cactus.
Tony joked last night that while I said I was a cactus, it’s not quite accurate. Of course, I said – I’m probably an Orchid (thanks, Hy!), who needs lots of care and is occasionally fussy. But explained that in the moment of our conversation last week that trying to explain I’m a medium-maintenance plant kind of diminished the point I was making.
I know I am behind on responding to comments and appreciate your patience. This decision is weighing heavy, so I’m trying to think about alternatives to how I’m framing my problem. Perhaps the solution is not a month of silence. Perhaps it’s not saying goodbye. Perhaps it’s not stepping back and opening up our relationship. Perhaps it’s none of those things.
I can’t remember a time I’ve been so conflicted in making a decision. My gut knows what could happen in these various scenarios (no change / some change / endless frustration, etc). But it’s also yelling about me about how much Tony and I get along.
So, there it is.
I will write more. But I’m late for work. And I’m seeing a Psychotherapist this afternoon.
Thank you from my bottom of my heart and the deep recesses of my brain for all of your comments and suggestions. It’s been immensely helpful in sorting things out, even if I haven’t come to a conclusion yet. It’s stopping me from being dramatic and rash…