I'm not going to keep writing the same post over and over.

That’s a lie: I just might.

I haven’t broken up with Tony. I’m sure some of you are pleased to hear this and some of you just banged your head on your screen in frustration.

I know I don’t want to hang by a thread of hope for something to change. I know I don’t want to live off scraps of communication and affection. I don’t want to be constantly frustrated at wanting more, and not getting it. I know I’m worthy of someone amazing.

I also know Tony and I have a wonderful time together, he cares about me, and makes me laugh. He’s intelligent, passionate, and curious.

My new nickname is Cactus.

Tony joked last night that while I said I was a cactus, it’s not quite accurate. Of course, I said – I’m probably an Orchid (thanks, Hy!), who needs lots of care and is occasionally fussy. But explained that in the moment of our conversation last week that trying to explain I’m a medium-maintenance plant kind of diminished the point I was making.

I know I am behind on responding to comments and appreciate your patience. This decision is weighing heavy, so I’m trying to think about alternatives to how I’m framing my problem. Perhaps the solution is not a month of silence. Perhaps it’s not saying goodbye. Perhaps it’s not stepping back and opening up our relationship. Perhaps it’s none of those things.

I can’t remember a time I’ve been so conflicted in making a decision. My gut knows what couldΒ happen in these various scenarios (no change / some change / endless frustration, etc). But it’s also yelling about me about how much Tony and I get along.

So, there it is.

I will write more. But I’m late for work. And I’m seeing a Psychotherapist this afternoon.

Thank you from my bottom of my heart and the deep recesses of my brain for all of your comments and suggestions. It’s been immensely helpful in sorting things out, even if I haven’t come to a conclusion yet. It’s stopping me from being dramatic and rash…


0 thoughts on “I'm not going to keep writing the same post over and over.

  1. I, for one, am so happy the voice is telling you to hang on. You were so convinced yet so unhappy with your decision to end it. Some time can’t possibly hurt and you are being so very thoughtful. The right answer will show itself more clearly. But, like Tony, it may need some time to get up to speed.

  2. Take your time my dear!
    There is no rush, this is your life, live it according to your terms. When a decision needs to be made, or when you’re ready to make it, you will know it.

  3. You can keep repeating yourself.

    Sometimes people come into our life that for some reason we connect with. They’re easy to be around and there is always some undefinable “chemistry”. For you, Tony is that guy. No amount of professional help or wise comments on your blog is going to change that fact.

    There is no good ending or right answer. Giving up on him isn’t going to make you feel any better and you will have a hole in your life to fill not to mention all the regrets. On the other hand, not ending things with him is going lead to more frustration.

    I wish you well.

    • Thank you. I don’t want to give anyone post-fatigue πŸ™‚

      You are absolutely right. We have a great connection and great chemistry..it’s one of the strongest connections I’ve ever felt with someone. But the timing is wrong. I can’t fix his timing and not sure I’m willing to adjust mine.

  4. When I was an avid dater (pre marriage) I tried to look at it in terms of good vs bad. Does the good outweigh the bad in this relationship. Over all is there more good? I think when it gets to a point where there is more bad, the answer becomes more obvious and it’s not so hard of a decision. I believe you are still on the side of “there is more good to this”. Tony sounds like he is a good boyfriend when he is in your presence. It’s the whole “out of sight/out of mind thing that’s an issue) (even though you aren’t out of his thoughts it probably just feels that way) . Hopefully during this time Tony will figure out how to be a good boyfriend when he is out of sight.

    • Yes, it’s quite true. It’s great when we are together… and mostly silent when we are apart. I’m sure he thinks of me, but it’s not enough most days.

      I do think there is a fair amount of good stuff. And while it might be outweighed by the bad, there’s a part of me that’s deferring this decision simply because of all the other shit going on in my life.

  5. I think I’ve been in the mental space you’re in at the moment. In the end you’ll make the decision that feels right for you and hopefully things will work out as they should.

    For myself I wish I had listened to my gut and remembered that alone doesn’t mean lonely, if only because of the huge amounts of time that were invested in what turned out to be a doomed relationship. So much time that many things in my own life were neglected.

    • Thank you Vanessa.
      It’s harder for me right now because I don’t have my son full time anymore…so the quiet house makes it a bit worse. But I do know that I can focus on myself and find time for friends and getting back to activities that make me happy.

      • I think it’s perfectly fine to continue a less than perfect relationship – as long as you keep looking after yourself and your responsibilities in the meantime. I made the mistake of neglecting mine, which has made the resentment and anger linger longer than it should.

  6. Nothing and nobody is forcing you to make a decision. It’s totally ok to allow yourself to simply go with the flow, and to not struggle against it.

    Your time with Tony is fun, so spend time with Tony. Don’t over analyze it, or criticize yourself over it. Just enjoy the wave while it’s there! He isn’t fully available, so just cherish the availability he can offer you, and live in the moment without concern for all the endless what if’s. Because “what if” can go fuck itself for all I care.

    And when you’re not with him, be with yourself and take care of yourself. Therapy, time with your kid, working on your resume and all that crap. Go out on girls’ nights and laugh your heart out!

    Oh and on the topic of looking for work, not sure how that is coming along for you, but I stumbled on the most amazing thing at strikingly.com where when you log in via your LinkedIn account it creates a really cool live portfolio/website pulling all your info from LinkedIn – I promise it’ll make you look super pro and tech savvy! I created mine in under an hour (because I’m fussy and had to mess with logos and stuff) but it’s the bomb! And I’m not saying all this because I make money off them, I just love it and want others to reap in the benefits as well… πŸ™‚

    • I read your comment yesterday and it got me thinking about whether I can do what you describe. I’ve come to the conclusion that one month of no-contact does nothing. And it could hurt him more than I’m considering.

      On the other hand, saying goodbye-for-now-but-my-door-is-open feels so… finished. Some would say this is the right thing.

      But I would love to be able to just truly be okay with what he can give today, live in the moment, and focus on all the other things that give me joy.

      And I used that site and it’s very cool! Thanks for the tip πŸ™‚

      • My ex used to always say that the best way to solve a problem is to do nothing, problems like to solve themselves. Although that may seem like a copout, there’s a great deal of zen spirit in it. It’s like saying that the universe will take care of you. And it does. It’s like doing an imaginary trust fall and knowing you will be caught before falling and hurting yourself.

        So yes, focus on the joy… I know you’ll work your way through this!

        • Your ex sounds like Tony. He takes the path of no resistance I think, lets others dictate what happens to him. He was prepared to stay in his marriage – super unhappy – for his kid. It was his ex who finally pulled the trigger.

          And in observing his behaviour unrelated to me, I see a pattern that means its highly unlikely he’s going to really take any action to meet my needs, either.


          It’s hard to focus on the joy, especially when I’m not with him and little to joy is being created πŸ™‚

  7. Glad to see this is the path you are one. I think you are doing the right thing. You might be amazed by the therapist. Often they say something that makes you facepalm and wonder why you didn’t see something so obvious!

    I’m so hoping for good things for you!

    • It was a good discussion. She was very insightful, and while I didn’t learn anything truly new, she validated a lot of the things I’d been thinking about. Especially as it relates to my father and the relationship choices I’ve made.

  8. Ann,

    You needn’t concern yourself with any of our feelings regarding your decisions. Just go with what is working (or that is a least pointed toward the general vicinity of working) for you. One day at time.

    • Thank you Will. I’m actually not too concerned with anyone’s feelings regarding my decisions…I just recognize there is a difference of opinion amongst my readers. While I definitely solicit and absorb all the input, ultimately the decision is mine to make…and I have to live with the choices I make.

      All y’all have to do is read about them πŸ˜‰

  9. It’s hard making decisions about a relationship that’s become important (or vital) to you. I hope the clarity comes quickly for you either way

  10. Pish posh. Do what you think is right honey.

    At the moment if you believe that Tony still has things to offer you and you’re happy to wait, then wait.

    If you aren’t and you need him to change, put the cards on the table. I think it’s time he understands what you need from him in clear and uncertain terms.

    If you feel that not being with him is what’s best for you then do that. I can’t presume to know how or what you feel or what’s going on in your head and heart. You obviously have some strong feelings for the guy. Otherwise you’d not be so conflicted.

    It ultimately comes down to can he or is he willing to give you what you need to maintain your orchaidy ways? (I’m with Hy, Orchard is way better)…

    <3 xox

    • Thanks hon.

      I agree I need to tell him in no uncertain terms. I’ve certainly shared my feelings with him a couple of times, quite clearly. I’ve given examples to illustrate my point (like the whole “good morning” text message thing).

      But I haven’t actually said: here’s what I need, today. I’m coming up with that list, and I think it’s pretty short. But each items is rather significant and I’m not sure he can meet my needs.

      • Well, let’s see if he says he can or not.

        At least you’re getting it out! It’s up to him to step up or not.

        Hugs. X

        • i think he’s demonstrating he can’t. I know he will say it’s because he’s insane at work. But I’ve been there too, and still manage to let someone I care about know I’m thinking of them.

  11. Funny (my situation) I’m having something similar with my far orchid. I’m afraid to ask her what does she feel and why things couldn’t be easier because if I say it I know she’s going to feel rage against the issue that should be obvious to me. So I came to read your words to know if there is a conclusion. Of course I know there aren’t recipes and every relationship is different but always your perspective gives me a bit of sense to guess what’s happening to other person in a relationship. To don’t fall in dramatic mode I shake my being doing something superfluous, like shopping something unneeded, waste the time an hour in some park instead working. Like a symbol to turn the tragedy in something just almost trivial.
    I hope things have for you a happy continuation or at least a better end.

    • Francis, I’m sorry to hear you are going through something similar, but pleased that my words can provide an iota of insight. I’ve learned quite a bit from my fellow bloggers πŸ™‚

  12. There really are no final conclusions. It’s a continuum that flows from one incident into another. The best we can hope is to manage the flow. Glad your talking to someone. I did once and it was a tremendous help. Blogging is nice but if you really want to peel it down the core, you’ll have to put in some face time.

  13. I never know, anymore than anyone else does, whether a situation has been given enough chances and its time to walk away, but there certainly seems enough in this one to “Hang on in there” for a while and see what develops. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you anyway πŸ™‚

  14. I think deciding not to decide can be a good thing. I also think a therapist will be really helpful (I’m optimistic, what can I say). I think time is really important, given all your considerations of this relationship. Having that Connection IS really important, and it can trump lessor issues (provided those issues aren’t harmful to anyone). I keep thinking about a speech Joel Osteen made about accepting your partner for being human – that no one is perfect – and you have to consider that all the good things you have between you trumps your irritation with him leaving his dirty socks everywhere. Oops – sorry – I didn’t mean to make this about me. πŸ˜‰

    In any case, have you considering not doing anything? In either direction? Just keep status quo and let time handle things? How will that affect you, ultimately? I wish you the best.

    • I have considered not doing anything and it was an appealing concept. Until I went almost a day without hearing anything from Tony. It’s so clear to me that he can’t even move one inch from where he’s at today…. to make 30 seconds of effort in a day to say hello? Sheesh.

      So yes, I absolutely know that nobody is perfect. And I’m willing to overlook the daily pot smoking, the messiness, being way too laid back to move forward, and back hair… but this lack of communication, even at it’s most basic, is too much for me right now.

What do you think?