Having a moment of clarity I'm trying to hold on to.

Yes, I know grammatically it’s proper to say “clarity to which I’m trying to hold on” or something like that, but I read recently even though proper, it’s offputting to read it that way. So I may just let go of that as well. Leave participles dangling all over the damn place.

It’s been a lovely warm weekend in my city. On Friday I spent the afternoon and overnight with Tony. He was going to accompany me to court, where I was fighting a parking ticket I got, ironically, the last night Johnny was here and got his tattoo. But Tony managed to convince me it was far better for us to stay at my place so he could use some of my toys on me, and we could have a nap.

So that’s exactly what we did.

I had a headache I couldn’t shake, and was exhausted. We had dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant in the neighborhood, and then after some debate, decided he would drive us to his place because he had weed. We smoked up using the vaporizer (which is really the only way I can do it, now), watched Blackfish, which left me super sad. I was also super stoned. We had some crazy sex which featured a pair of pink soled Betsy Johnson 4″ black satin heels of mine, his waist high bed, and lots of lube.

The next morning he drove me home so I could get Liam and drive the 90 minutes to my brother’s for an overnight party.

I had invited Tony to that party, and also to my outing with Liam the upcoming Monday (with or without his son). He didn’t come to my brothers (he had a meeting with his ex to discuss their son’s schedule) and said he didn’t think Monday would be possible.

On the drive, thinking whilst singing loudly to the crazy mix in my car, I had a moment of pure clarity.

I thought: what the f*ck was I thinking to invite someone to spend the day with my son, when as of a few weeks ago, he was still wondering out loud whether his ex was serious about getting back together?

I can deal with the level of communication Tony provides, I can be patient while he gets his post-split world in order, and even accept that he is WAY messier than I am.

But someone who might still get back together with his ex? Meeting my kid, who will like him and bond with him? No. F*cking. Way.

What I probably haven’t mentioned yet was that – at least according to Will – Liam asked him two weeks ago if Will and I were going to get back together again, or if Will was going to marry Colleen, or if I was going to marry Tony. I snorted and thought “I can barely get the guy to text me; marriage is not in the cards”. But it reminded me although he’s met Tony once, and I’ve spoken about him a few times, for my child, it’s significant.

So. There it is. I realized in the car I need to have the conversation with Tony. I need to ask him where his head’s at – can he say with certainty he’s done with his marriage? If the answer is yes, he’s done, then great. I still have some decisions to make, but at least that’s off the table. If he says he doesn’t know, then how the hell can I continue? It’s been almost SIX months. Ridiculous.

0 thoughts on “Having a moment of clarity I'm trying to hold on to.

  1. I hate to be a broken record, but I think it’s a mistake to continue a relationship with Tony until he says he’s done with his wife and has separation and parenting agreements in place. You need to do it for him and you need to do it for you and your son. I know you said in a previous post that he is done with his marriage, but HE needs to say that and take appropriate action. All the other mental gymnastics that you’ve put yourself through are a moot point until this happens. Please know this advice comes from a place of been there, done that (with many mistakes made along the way)!

    • Hollie,

      No need to apologise. He’s been clear he’s done with his wife, but he misses the family unit and seeing his son as much as he used to. I was hoping that once he got the parenting schedule sorted out, things would shift… but that hasn’t happened yet. He wouldn’t be going back to his wife because he’s still in love with her. But ultimately, it doesn’t really matter why.

      I now understand why some guys I dated balked when I said I was only separated – for most people, the divorce part is the real signal you’ve moved on.

  2. Your instincts are speaking loud and clear here, motherly and otherwise. Until Tony can decide what degree of his life will be part of yours, it shouldn’t involve your son’s. I’m speaking as a father who has been in your sitiuation (sans the heels β€” on me, at least), as well as speaking as a son went through what your boy is experiencing. My mom and I are still very close because she listened to her instincts, too.

  3. Making decisions of the heart, and sticking to them without having to go through the decision making process again and again (and again) is soooooooo freakin hard!

    Good luck.

  4. My son has met one man I’ve dated since we split in 2008. He was only around him probably 3 times and we have been broken up (amicably) for over 2 years, but Owen still asks about him. I did let him meet Adam, but not until after we broke up. We actually had lunch with him again a few weeks ago and now Owen is all about asking when we can again. Apparently he has told his son that when we move to Wichita they can get tougher and play, so that should be interesting.
    I think you’ve got to listen to your gut. And leave your participles dangling all over the damn place!

    • I’m impressed, Hollie. Were there other men you thought you could have introduced to your son, but chose not to? It reminds me of Andrew who had the rule that he wouldn’t introduce anyone to his son until they’d been dating six months. It seemed extreme at the time but I understand the rationale better now.

      • Part of it was knowing deep down these men weren’t going to be long term. Some of it was just that I really only saw these men when Owen was at his dad’s. Also, for a long time I dated emotionally stunted men with commitment issues so meeting a kid is a no go haha. There was one I would have let him meet, but he flaked. It was really cool though to see Owen sitting across the table with Adam, my two favorite men just having their own little conversation, so sweet.

  5. Yeah, Ann, I must Echo hollie and Ned on this. Your instincts are far more in tune with reality right now. Your head is getting some confusion from the Mr. Waffle House…erm…Tony…but the gut possess crystal clarity on this one.

    • Hello Miguel, and welcome!!

      Yes, I think you are right… definitely need to go with my gut on this one. And to be fair, Tony hasn’t been waffling…he’s just avoided making any decisions whatsoever 😐

  6. Well, I must say that I felt a bit weird when you were talking about spending the day with Tony and your sons… but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, I had too much going on in my life and never quite managed to finish writing that post I said I would write in response to your post about letting go… :-/

    But I agree with your moment of clarity. This is possibly what upset me most about my ex introducing his new girlfriend (and kids) to our kids. What if they split? I hope he didn’t do it lightly and they’ve really been together a long while.

    My children may suspect I haven’t remained celibate this whole time. They are aware that I go out regularly and meet people. But they have never been told or met any of the men in my life. I don’t plan on it changing any time soon.

    I have been together with the Dancer for more than 4 months now, and I have no urges to move things forward faster (if they are ever going to move forward!). It’s one of the things I planned to discuss in my post: I realised I don’t *want* a relationship right now. I want to make sure I don’t go back into old patterns first.

    Which doesn’t mean that there are no feelings and that my head and heart aren’t playing tricks on me from time to time πŸ˜‰

    I think you shouldn’t revert to your old ways of saying: “it’s been that long already”. I know I’m trying very hard not to. I guess this is made easier for me because I have no desire for more children. So I’m not rushing against any biological clock.
    I guess I’m thinking: I might as well enjoy the now and keep it going as long as I enjoy it. If at any point it becomes unpleasant for either of us, then it will always be time to end it…

    My mangled thoughts πŸ™‚
    XO

    • Did I imply there’s something permanent after six months? My time with my ex was 15 years so I’m well aware nothing is permanent.

      Liam is struggling again with the return of his Dad, as it’s an adjustment again. But he has many people in his life that adore him, two parents who co-parent well, etc, etc. What is it that makes your heart break for him?

      • You seem to want to have this ‘talk’ with him, which implies something close to a commitment. I think it’s one of the things that separates our genders. Women looooove to discuss the relationship. Men go with the flow.

        It seems to be a rough spot for Liam with his parents in a state of flux in their relationships. Kids pine for stability. I imagine he’s wrestling with all the uncertainties. He’ll sort it out. Kids are more pliable than we give them credit for. But I feel for the little guy.

        • Of course I feel for the little guy as well πŸ™‚ but feel compelled to mention that he’s had more stability than most children get as a result of divorce. He’s still living part time in the house he grew up in, we have a week-on week-off arrangement which means he knows where he needs to be, when. He’s in the same school. He still sees my parents once a week. His nanny is the same. His parents have never used him as a pawn nor do we talk disparagingly about each other. He has almost exactly the same rules in each house.

          Yes, absolutely, Will leaving for 9 months was hard. No question. And coming back is yet another transition. We are going to arrange for a child psychologist for Liam to talk to, to make sure he’s processing things as can be expected.

          But I do try to focus on all the things that Liam is getting that so many other parents don’t provide, especially in the first couple of years after a divorce. Everything we’ve done in our decision making – including the speed at which we resolved everything, which is pretty much unheard of (one weekend!) – was to do as much as we could for him, given the circumstances.

          When it comes to Tony, I’m guessing you’ve been reading along so I’m wondering…do you think it’s unreasonable for me to expect him to at least be able to say he’s done with his marriage? I know that men like to just take things as it comes, but I feel like I’m hardly pressuring him unreasonably when we’ve had an exclusive relationship for 5 months… no?

  7. You know Ann, I can’t read comments before I voice my own. Mr. Wonderful left us when mine were 7 and 5. I briefly dated one man who also had a girl about my girl’s age. He very kindly taught me that lesson. He didn’t want me to meet his girl, nor did he want to meet mine until we knew how we felt about each other. He had been divorced longer than I and made that mistake already.(needless to say, he never met my kids) When mine were younger, they wanted him to come back. It’s normal. Of course Liam would love it if you and Will could work it out. The two people he loves most in the world available to him all the time? At the same house? oh hell yeah! Maybe I threw myself entirely into my kids at some point, forget relationships.. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with me.

    I thought Tony had already told you with certainty that his marriage was done?

    • Tony had been pretty consistent early on about his marriage being over. But then a couple months ago he told me she had asked that they get back together. Then in my “cactus” conversation he made the comment he didn’t even know if she was actually serious… and that’s what got me thinking that perhaps he was less sure than he had said up front.

      And I agree with you wholeheartedly that it’s normal and expected that Liam will want us to get back together. He was pretty quiet about that desire for a while but it came back full force since Will’s moved back to town.

      • That’s a tough one, lemme tell ya! My girl would cry every time she came home. Heart breaking, not to mention how loved it made me feel. Now that they are older and have seen for themselves the kind of person he really is, they’re happy he never came back.

        Liam will be ok. You and Will seem to have a good relationship, and are willing to work together where he is concerned. My ex wasn’t. He only wanted to take the kids because he knew how that would hurt me. He didn’t care that he didn’t see them for months at a time after he ran away from home. He only wanted his “rights” after I started the divorce and he was told he had to help support his family. THEN he wanted to see them. Jerk. Sorry, didn’t mean to make this about me.

          • and money. My ex used to say that was the only thing we fought about. I wanted to pay our bills and save, he just wanted to live the high life.

            Tony’s ex might be realizing the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I think that happens a lot. Suddenly being alone isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Maybe it was a mistake to dissolve our marriage. Mine only tried to come back after girlfriends dumped him and he needed someplace to stay. He even asked once if he could live in my garage. Sure. On your weekends I’ll just let the kids out the back door and tell em to go stay in the garage for the weekend. See you Sunday. Or later today, when I park my car in there.

          • OMG I know I shouldn’t laugh, but that was rather comical. I could just imagine it. Bizarre.

            And yes, I’m pretty sure that’s part of her motivation. It was her decision to end their marriage and yeah, now she’s saddled with most of the childcare responsibilities etc., and that’s way harder than doing it with two people. She’s seeing him lose weight and do some good things and I’m sure that’s a draw as well. They were best friends before they started dating at 22, so that’s all each of them knows. I have no doubt that it is a very strong bond, even if their relationship was miserable.

          • It’s not only ok that you laughed, it’s good! I laugh at the thought too. Was he planning on taking the kids to the gas station when they had to go potty? I could go on and on about the things he pulled. (or tied to)

            If you mentioned their history before, I had forgotten it. So, she wanted the divorce and they married young? Sounds like she may have had some regrets and misgivings about that decision. There is so much growing and changing still being done through our 20’s! Maybe she felt she settled and there is so much more opportunity for her “out there”. Then reality comes a knocking. As you mentioned, primary care giver has a LOT of responsibility attached to it, and it isn’t easy. That alone would be enough to make one rethink. Add to that the knight in shining armor wasn’t waiting at the top of the hill to swoop down and rescue her, it’s an “oops” moment. I’m only speculating, but I am often not far off when I do…

          • They were together since 22. Not sure when they got married… But yes, they weren’t happy. I think he said his son was a happy mistake.
            And yeah, I do wonder if she tried dating and realized how shallow the pool is!!

      • I would also like to make note that Tony told you about it. He didn’t have to, and if he was entertaining the idea, that would have been the opportune time to call it quits with you, but he didn’t.

        • Yes, you are very right. He’s been very open and honest with me. I don’t think he’s hidden anything or been disrespectful in any way. Which says a lot to me about his character, and also about how much he did like me… as someone who wouldn’t communicate, he took the time to get out of his comfort zone with me. I forget that sometimes, because communication comes easily to me.

          • not “did”. Does. How much he does like you. It takes time to learn to communicate, especially if it doesn’t come naturally, or been practiced effectively up to this point. I really get the sense he wants to learn how to, and with this fresh outlook you’ve adopted you might be the perfect instructor!

  8. Have you been reading my story at all. I swear, I know we are in different places, but Tony sounds so much like ‘my’ Brian. Ugh. Men. That’s a long time for limbo land.
    And yea…keep him away from Liam. If he doesn’t know what he wants, he doesn’t get to play nice with the kid,
    IMO. That’s not fair to Liam. Or you.

What do you think?