Yes, I know grammatically it’s proper to say “clarity to which I’m trying to hold on” or something like that, but I read recently even though proper, it’s offputting to read it that way. So I may just let go of that as well. Leave participles dangling all over the damn place.
It’s been a lovely warm weekend in my city. On Friday I spent the afternoon and overnight with Tony. He was going to accompany me to court, where I was fighting a parking ticket I got, ironically, the last night Johnny was here and got his tattoo. But Tony managed to convince me it was far better for us to stay at my place so he could use some of my toys on me, and we could have a nap.
So that’s exactly what we did.
I had a headache I couldn’t shake, and was exhausted. We had dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant in the neighborhood, and then after some debate, decided he would drive us to his place because he had weed. We smoked up using the vaporizer (which is really the only way I can do it, now), watched Blackfish, which left me super sad. I was also super stoned. We had some crazy sex which featured a pair of pink soled Betsy Johnson 4″ black satin heels of mine, his waist high bed, and lots of lube.
The next morning he drove me home so I could get Liam and drive the 90 minutes to my brother’s for an overnight party.
I had invited Tony to that party, and also to my outing with Liam the upcoming Monday (with or without his son). He didn’t come to my brothers (he had a meeting with his ex to discuss their son’s schedule) and said he didn’t think Monday would be possible.
On the drive, thinking whilst singing loudly to the crazy mix in my car, I had a moment of pure clarity.
I thought: what the f*ck was I thinking to invite someone to spend the day with my son, when as of a few weeks ago, he was still wondering out loud whether his ex was serious about getting back together?
I can deal with the level of communication Tony provides, I can be patient while he gets his post-split world in order, and even accept that he is WAY messier than I am.
But someone who might still get back together with his ex? Meeting my kid, who will like him and bond with him? No. F*cking. Way.
What I probably haven’t mentioned yet was that – at least according to Will – Liam asked him two weeks ago if Will and I were going to get back together again, or if Will was going to marry Colleen, or if I was going to marry Tony. I snorted and thought “I can barely get the guy to text me; marriage is not in the cards”. But it reminded me although he’s met Tony once, and I’ve spoken about him a few times, for my child, it’s significant.
So. There it is. I realized in the car I need to have the conversation with Tony. I need to ask him where his head’s at – can he say with certainty he’s done with his marriage? If the answer is yes, he’s done, then great. I still have some decisions to make, but at least that’s off the table. If he says he doesn’t know, then how the hell can I continue? It’s been almost SIX months. Ridiculous.