I’m going to preface this my saying I know many of you will disagree with what I did – and didn’t – do last night. I know this could be a mistake. It could delay what’s inevitable.
I know all this. You are of course welcome to tell me anyway.
I went for dinner with a male friend and former colleague. I’ve written about him before, but we have been platonic since then. We started with drinks with two other friends – I had three dark and stormy’s, and I got some good career advice and lots of support.
Then he and I went for dinner. When asked, I said I wanted either a good steak or Italian food. He chose a very expensive steak house with a great lounge atmosphere. When I came back from the bathroom after we arrived, he was wrapping up a work call. I sat down and after he hung up the phone, he came over to my chair, leaned down, grasped my chin in his hand, tilted my head up, and gave me a gentle but firm kiss on the lips. He said “I’ve missed you and just felt like doing that”.
We split a bottle of red wine. He expressed displeasure at my later departure to meet Tony (something along the lines of “he’s crashing MY date”). But I explained what was going on and said I had to meet Tony that night.
The dinner made Tony’s expected delay painless…I didn’t even notice he was later than expected. He picked me up and we drove to my house. I was not sober but I was certainly aware of what I was saying and doing. We got caught up with the last few weeks. His trip was difficult; he didn’t get along with his brother.
He wasn’t feeling well. I suggested we move to couch or bed and he chose bed. Not because he was all ready to have sex, but it’s comfy.
We chatted more about his trip and my trip and my job. I said I missed him and he said he missed me too – I expressed surprise at this and told him he’d never once before told me he missed me, or that he needed me. He told me he thought about “our sex” when he was away, and that he’s never before fantasized about someone he was with. It reminded me of a meme I saw on Twitter that said “if you fantasize about the girl you are dating, marry her”. I chose not to share that gem with him.
He discovered my garters. And slowly went from just hanging out, to his very much enjoying the feeling of sliding his hand under the straps, to me on my knees, garters in place, and him f*cking me from behind. It was rough and wonderful.
Afterwards, I don’t remember exactly what verbal opening he gave me, or exactly the order of our discussion, but I said all the things I needed to say. My points included:
- I was really angry that I didn’t hear from him for 24 hours after he arrived.
- I needed to hear back from him in the email I sent him when I was away. And was disappointed he didn’t make the time.
- I was surprised to not hear from him the entire time he was away, especially since he missed me and was thinking about me.
- While I understand the place he’s in (I think), I don’t want to project my past experience on him, but I do need someone who can be there for me when I need them.
- I recognize he and I are in different places but I’m not willing to wait forever to get what I need in a relationship.
- Although I now have every other week free, it’s not that I want to spend every night with him. I need time alone and time with my friends that doesn’t involve him.
- I don’t want to just be a convenience (yes, Will, I used your term). I want him to do things for me even when they aren’t convenient.
- There are things about his personality that I adore, and haven’t found in anyone else. I love spending time with him, I look forward to exploring more with him, and I don’t want to say goodbye to him. But I have needs that I want met.
It wasn’t the monologue it may appear to be. It was a conversation. About the non-response to my vacation email, he said all of his (failed) texts to me were that I shouldn’t waste my time emailing him, things will be fine and I should just enjoy my trip. He didn’t respond my email because he didn’t want me wasting time emailing him when I was away and he knew he would see me just a couple of days later.
He said he felt really bad about not being able to see me before he left on his trip.
He didn’t make excuses for not contacting me while away, but described what his days and nights were like and I knew it was really about him trying to just have time for himself. As I said in my previous post‘s comments, it doesn’t make it better that he didn’t get in touch, but it wasn’t malicious or an attempt to send me a sign.
He told me he didn’t mind being exclusive right away because he knew there was nobody else he wanted to date. He said he “loved everything about” me. He expressed concern that he didn’t want to “hold me back” from any other opportunities (somewhere in the conversation earlier I had mentioned I turned down some offers…not sure how it was relevant to anything but I said it). That’s when I said I didn’t want to be with anyone else.
He reminded me that he does do things just for me that aren’t convenient for him. Coming to my party was “highly inconvenient” and yet he came. It’s true, it was.
One the one hand, he didn’t say “can’t give you want you want and need, sorry” nor did he say he didn’t like me enough to try. Could be just because he’s passive, I know.
As a girlfriend said to me today, this issue was situational (as in, there was a situation that prompted it), it’s not necessarily systemic. And yes, while he doesn’t communicate as much as I would naturally want, he shows his “love” through other love languages. I had told him a while back I needed a bit more communication throughout a day, and he met that need. I didn’t tell him I expected to hear from him when he was away. I had told him I was getting used to the thought of not hearing from him.
On the other hand, I know it’s likely nothing will change, and my not ending it last night probably just delays the inevitable. I’m going to take it a day at a time and see how I feel.