Shortly after I wrote my last post – as in, about 10 minutes after I wrote it – I called Tony. At $2 a minute. I was so f*cking tired of how I was feeling and going crazy guessing what was going on.
He picked up the phone on the second ring. Without me saying anything other than “hello”, he expressed his frustration at not being able to reach me – that none of his texts went through (duh). He said for sure he would see me the next night, quickly followed by “I have to go…I’m at the game with Mark [his best friend] but will see you for sure”.
And that was that.
I felt better, marginally. While still frustrated he couldn’t be bothered to send me an email, I was comfortable he wasn’t deliberately ignoring me.
Of course, there are still issues. And I’ve been pondering them ever since.
I hoped to see him before he left on his 10-day vacation this morning. But he was unwell one night, then totally swamped trying to get work done before he had to go. I believe him, for the record.
He called me last night before he went to bed. We spoke for about 10 minutes. He sounded exhausted. I told him it bothered me to not hear from him – and his response was that he was going “f*cking crazy” knowing his texts weren’t going through.
It was not the time to give him crap about not emailing me. It was not the time to tell him I needed some space. Each time I’m convinced it’s the right thing, I get convinced it’s not.
Not surprisingly, I have lots more to say on this subject. But not right now. I’m not sure the answer is in more writing. It might be – I will definitely try.
My plan for the next 10 days is to focus on work (finding a job – whee), my son, and trying to kickstart some healthy living. I weighed myself this morning and it was the biggest number I’d seen on the scale in a long time. While I know some of it is the effects of a week of vacation food, I know it is also the stress. So, I’m going to start to eat clean and get my ass to the gym. With few meetings in my daily calendar, I have no excuse.
Tony didn’t text to say he landed safely. I’m pretty sure I won’t hear from him for 10 days. When I said as such on the phone last night, he said he might surprise me. I’m not holding my breath. And I’ve told myself to not send him anything either.
On my way home tonight, I deleted all but a few men from my phone. There were a few there who I hadn’t ever managed to meet up with and I was keeping their numbers in case they decided to text me again. I decided there is no way I want to waste my time on someone who couldn’t be bothered. It will be delightful, should it happen (highly unlikely) to say “I’m sorry, who is this?”
Anyway. I’m at a bit of a loss. I’m in the midst of a few big changes and even thought I’ve been a Change Management consultant in the past, all that gets me is the recognition of where I am on the change curve. It doesn’t make it easier for me as I’m going through it.
P.S. I’m sorry for being absent on most of your blogs. I’ve gone rather insular…I’ll come back out, it just may take a little bit of time.