My mental boat remains undocked

Shortly after I wrote my last post – as in, about 10 minutes after I wrote it – I called Tony. At $2 a minute. I was so f*cking tired of how I was feeling and going crazy guessing what was going on.

He picked up the phone on the second ring. Without me saying anything other than “hello”, he expressed his frustration at not being able to reach me – that none of his texts went through (duh). He said for sure he would see me the next night, quickly followed by “I have to go…I’m at the game with Mark [his best friend] but will see you for sure”.

And that was that.

I felt better, marginally. While still frustrated he couldn’t be bothered to send me an email, I was comfortable he wasn’t deliberately ignoring me.

Of course, there are still issues. And I’ve been pondering them ever since.

I hoped to see him before he left on his 10-day vacation this morning. But he was unwell one night, then totally swamped trying to get work done before he had to go. I believe him, for the record.

He called me last night before he went to bed. We spoke for about 10 minutes. He sounded exhausted. I told him it bothered me to not hear from him – and his response was that he was going “f*cking crazy” knowing his texts weren’t going through.

It was not the time to give him crap about not emailing me. It was not the time to tell him I needed some space. Each time I’m convinced it’s the right thing, I get convinced it’s not.

Not surprisingly, I have lots more to say on this subject. But not right now. I’m not sure the answer is in more writing. It might be – I will definitely try.

My plan for the next 10 days is to focus on work (finding a job – whee), my son, and trying to kickstart some healthy living. I weighed myself this morning and it was the biggest number I’d seen on the scale in a long time. While I know some of it is the effects of a week of vacation food, I know it is also the stress. So, I’m going to start to eat clean and get my ass to the gym. With few meetings in my daily calendar, I have no excuse.

Tony didn’t text to say he landed safely. I’m pretty sure I won’t hear from him for 10 days. When I said as such on the phone last night, he said he might surprise me. I’m not holding my breath. And I’ve told myself to not send him anything either.

On my way home tonight, I deleted all but a few men from my phone. There were a few there who I hadn’t ever managed to meet up with and I was keeping their numbers in case they decided to text me again. I decided there is no way I want to waste my time on someone who couldn’t be bothered. It will be delightful, should it happen (highly unlikely) to say “I’m sorry, who is this?”

Anyway. I’m at a bit of a loss. I’m in the midst of a few big changes and even thought I’ve been a Change Management consultant in the past, all that gets me is the recognition of where I am on the change curve. It doesn’t make it easier for me as I’m going through it.

 

P.S. I’m sorry for being absent on most of your blogs. I’ve gone rather insular…I’ll come back out, it just may take a little bit of time.

0 thoughts on “My mental boat remains undocked

  1. Yeah… i know. All of this. Everything you’re going through. Yeah… fucking sucks but needs to be dealt with. I think I’m finally myself at a happy place so there is good there. Always. hang in there!

      • Honestly? Well the first step to getting through it is crying. A shitload. Then drinking. A shitload. Then meditation… All joking aside, I started meditating daily 6 weeks ago and it has carried me through all this crap.

        Do you believe in the possibility of getting addicted to a person? Well, I do, and I am currently in the process of de-addicting myself to this one guy. Meditation… it’s been my thing.

        • Today I’m getting my ass in the gym, on the treadmill, which is definitely a form of meditation for me since I have to focus on my breathing to not fall over from exhaustion 🙂

          But yes, I hear you, and believe I need to spend some time getting back to my yoga practice.

          (Oh and for sure you can get addicted…I can think of at least one man who I was willing to put up with due to his – ahem – significant skills. Good luck getting through all of your crap!!)

          • I find that I’m a never ending work in progress. Oh and the beauty of the gym or any form of workout is that there is a lot of truth to the endorphin rush. It’ll start boosting your system with loads of positive energy and vibes.

            Men with significant skills and size to back them up are truly very dangerous. 🙂

  2. Anne you need to focus first and foremost on your work; try not to worry about men for the time being. I understand that you wish Tony was supporting you through this transition, and I think it is highlighting that he’s not in quite the place you want him to be. But don’t even bother thinking about that right now. I get that you are a do-er, and you will feel better once you start to get things in motion with looking for a new job. I think it’s been hard for you to be away at a time when you feel like you could be doing things instead. Just the process alone of working on getting a new job will make you feel more grounded. Good luck!

    • Thanks my dear. It’s true… it’s not as much about not getting constant communication as what it represents. I just don’t think he’s in the place he needs to be. He may get there, or he may not. It may just be how he is, or it could be the transition he’s going through. It’s very hard to know.

      But yes, focussing on work and health and child right now is a good thing. And tackling some long standing items on my to-do list is possible when one has no meetings 🙂

  3. Take all the time you need, dear. I thought about you a lot today and had hoped that you would get the answers you were looking for. I know the way your life and work and relationships seem to be in limbo must be exhausting at best. I have every faith that it will all work out beautifully once you get through this short period of ickiness. I wish I lived closer. I think we could hash a lot of this out over some Prosecco! Hugs, Hollie

  4. Not that I want to dismiss what you’re going through. I totally feel for you. I hope he does indeed surprise you!
    But what I know is that in a matter of 10 minutes I read yours and ‘Tis’ posts.
    I think I’ll go back to sleep!
    I’ll come back to you. To writing a thoughtful comment. For now I’ll just roll myself in a ball and forget about it all.
    Love
    XO

    • Right… I’m back. I poured my sadness onto my own page, now I can tackle my comment 🙂
      Maybe one day you can tell him, when you feel better, less anxious, less stressed, less angry yourself, that you would have liked for him to try a different means of communication if this one wasn’t working… That would have avoided both him and you some aggravation…
      I hope he does surprise you over the next 10 days. It is possible. I know the Dancer has. I hope Tony does. It sounds like he’s missed you over your own time away. If he does miss you over *his* time away, I guess it speaks even louder. After all, people go on holiday to disconnect, so it’s easy for someone to forge about their life back home. Thus forget to communicate with whoever stayed behind. If he writes nonetheless… then that would be a good sign!
      As for taking time away… I get it. Take the time you need, your life, you as a person, are more important than your blog or you as a writer.
      Enjoy your son and good luck on the job search.
      XO

      • I hope he surprises me but I’m not expecting him to. And I do think he missed me…I need him to show it, I guess. But I can’t help but think that 10 days of silence will reinforce my solidifying opinion that he’s in a selfish place (which I understand) and unlikely to make an effort past what he would normally do.

        • Well, yes, I understand. If he doesn’t communicate for 10 days, that is probably where he’s at. And since that’s not where you need him to be, not with all the crap that is otherwise going on in your life, you can then take action.
          Unfortunately, as with so many other things in life, only time will tell! :-/

  5. You have nothing to apologize for regarding our blogs. Hell, I’m suppressed that anyone would willingly choose to read my shit, anyway.

    The separation is excruciating for both of you. Tony definitely needs to seek education in the art of communication and how it is so tightly integrated into relationships…but then, he is is a guy (though he definitely marches to his own drum).

    You possess a mind that works and processes tirelessly and you can’t deal with the lack of information and contact without feeling that something is missing.

  6. Oh, we women like to analzye and analyze and overthing everything. I do the same and it drives me mad…Usually it turns out that the guy is not good at communicating via email, or texts, and he just doesn’t think such a communication is necessary. Maybe Tony is the same?

  7. Take the time you need. Known that we are routing for you. And, as my hubbies tell me all the time, you are stronger than you think. Take care…

  8. I was going to “GAAAAAHHHHHH” you again (that’s your shake), I was going to “told you so” but instead I am sending you another hug, since it will do us both better. You are going through a lot. Remember so is Tony. Divorce just isn’t pleasant. Nor is losing a job. Along with your desire to clean up your living, you should add your thoughts to eating better and exercise. I am believing more and more what you put out in the universe, the universe gives back. I am trying to change my thoughts from “face it there isn’t anyone for you cat lady” to “maybe he is just around the corner”. Perhaps you should try “Eeeeeee! Tony likes me!” or maybe just “Tonytonytonytony” and focus on the positive. That will help your overall health too you know. I am sure you know it, but fill your empty time for the next 10 days with Liam. You will be amazed one day that your little boy so quickly became a man.

    • Thanks for the hug… And unless spellcheck did something weird, I’m not worried about clean “living”.., it was clean “eating” (for obvious reasons)

      and yes, I hear you. Loud and clear.

      • haha! You mentioned ‘healthy living’ and ‘clean eating’ I guess I just combined them as the message was more about your thought process and trying to keep you from being dragged down that dark, bumpy path that always makes us feel so shitty.

        I speak from experience. I cannot believe my little boy, the one who sat in my lap and cried when he saw an ant, is graduating from DePaul University, and has basically lived in the heart of downtown Chicago for most of the last 4 years. Ann. Seriously. I really am having a hard time understanding how it happened…..

        • Julie – no worries at all… I know you were trying to help me get to a good place 🙂

          And wow, I’m sure I will be in the same situation as you what will feel like really soon!! It’s amazing how quickly the time passes. I’ve tried since my split to make the most of each day (or at least each week!), especially with my son. But I still mourn the rapid passing of time.

  9. Change is so exciting and yet terrifying all at the same time. I know you will find a job that will be exactly what you’re meant for at this time in life. I hope it’s absolutely fabulous.

    -Just popping in to say hello.

    xoxo

    P.S. Glad to see Tony’s name still ringing clear. He better text you on Vaca! 😉

    • Nice to see you hear my dear. And thank you. It’s funny being able to recognize where I am on the change curve. At times I know things will be fine, and at other times it’s all just a bit overwhelming and I just want to hide in my bed.

      I’m not holding out for his contacting me. It’s 13 days he’s gone (including travel days) and it’s day 3 and other than a couple texts before he left, there’s been nothing.

  10. You have so much on your plate at the moment. People sometimes don’t give enough credit to the emotional stress of job loss. I feel like it over rules everything. It also places additional burden on your relationship because you are looking for something to be stable and firm when the job isn’t. He isn’t a great communicator but so much else is good in the relationship….why not let it ride for a while? Enjoy the small stability (in its own way) the Tony offers while you get the other areas of your life back on track?

    Interesting about the change curve…even when we have the tools it’s hard to use them for ourselves.

    I can understand wanting to get everything in your house in order “right now” but think you need to breath. Let it roll a bit.

    And here’s lots of hugs and prosecco.

    When can I come visit to give them to you in person?!

      • Sometimes it feels like he wants his cake and to eat you too.
        He has to make a decision and I don’t think returning to his wife is the right one for him. But I have a feeling he’ll do it, and then, months down the road, he’ll be back at your doorstep. You don’t want to be “The Other Woman”, Ann.

        • No, I most certainly don’t. I think it’s less likely he’ll get back with his ex and more likely that he’ll just do nothing. At all. Or decide he needs some space – but only once I reach the point of demanding too much from him.

          Unfortunately there are things we have in common that I feel are pretty rare – from a enjoyment of life perspective – so if I/we end it, I will miss that, for sure.

  11. Dear Anne,
    Don’t ever apologize for ‘being absent’ from our blogs. I was just thinking of you today and popped in to say hello. I hope the next few days go quickly and that all is well when Tony returns.
    I’ve gone into hiding a bit myself and didn’t want you to think that I’d skipped town.
    You’re an amazing woman and I just hope awesome things for you! xo

      • Ugh. I’m so sorry!
        I can’t imagine how frustrating that is. I hope you hear from him soon and that there’s a logical explanation. In the meantime, remember how fabulous you are and that no situation (or person) can diminish your value. xo

        • Thanks hon. I am not taking it personally – as in, it’s not affecting my ego so much. I’m just irritated that he can’t get his head out of his ass.

          Honestly I think the explanation is just that he was looking forward to really switching off on this vacation. And it hasn’t occured to him that I might need / really want him to be in touch with me.

What do you think?