The light of my life returned to the house yesterday before dinner. He wanted to play on his iPad and all I wanted to do was drink up his delicious almost-seven-awesomeness. We managed a decent balance of both.
I recognize depression and sadness in me. It doesn’t happen very often, but I suppose it’s quite normal for it to occur every once in a while. I didn’t leave the house from my arrival on Saturday afternoon until Liam and I walked to get groceries for yesterday’s dinner. At least I managed to shower. I am profoundly sad. I know it will pass.
I exchanged perhaps 4 text messages with Tony in the last 48 hours. He had his child all weekend. Thursday’s invitation is still out there – I suppose I will hear from him at some point today to tell me if he can go. It’s hard to have a serious relationship conversation with someone when they don’t contact you.
Last night I got to thinking about Faraway Lover and Will. They are both still dating women they started dating right after splitting. It will be two years this summer (which is hard to believe). In Will’s case, they are planning to move in together in a year or two. This will be a full-on blended family, three kids, and a step-mother for my son. Which means selling his house, moving to a new area (ironically they will likely move to the neighborhood I wanted to live when we were first house hunting, and Will said no), and lots of change for Liam.
While I know I could have been on this path with at least two of my exec’s, they weren’t right for me. I also don’t regret the months I spent seeking my mojo and exploring my sexuality. That probably won’t stop in the near term, admittedly.
It is certainly one of the things I will mourn about Tony. I didn’t have to choose between relationship material and crazy exploratory kinky sex. It’s hard enough to find someone compatible on one of those fronts, let alone both. This might be the thing that has kept me really hoping I could get things to work between us.
I don’t regret any of my decisions, and I think I am on the right path. But I must admit it bothers me to have these two men, so significant in my life, seemingly moving ahead effortlessly and happily.