Just another maudlin Monday

The light of my life returned to the house yesterday before dinner. He wanted to play on his iPad and all I wanted to do was drink up his delicious almost-seven-awesomeness. We managed a decent balance of both.

I recognize depression and sadness in me. It doesn’t happen very often, but I suppose it’s quite normal for it to occur every once in a while. I didn’t leave the house from my arrival on Saturday afternoon until Liam and I walked to get groceries for yesterday’s dinner. At least I managed to shower. I am profoundly sad. I know it will pass.

I exchanged perhaps 4 text messages with Tony in the last 48 hours. He had his child all weekend. Thursday’s invitation is still out there – I suppose I will hear from him at some point today to tell me if he can go. It’s hard to have a serious relationship conversation with someone when they don’t contact you.

Last night I got to thinking about Faraway Lover and Will. They are both still dating women they started dating right after splitting. It will be two years this summer (which is hard to believe). In Will’s case, they are planning to move in together in a year or two. This will be a full-on blended family, three kids, and a step-mother for my son. Which means selling his house, moving to a new area (ironically they will likely move to the neighborhood I wanted to live when we were first house hunting, and Will said no), and lots of change for Liam.

While I know I could have been on this path with at least two of my exec’s, they weren’t right for me. I also don’t regret the months I spent seeking my mojo and exploring my sexuality. That probably won’t stop in the near term, admittedly.

It is certainly one of the things I will mourn about Tony. I didn’t have to choose between relationship material and crazy exploratory kinky sex. It’s hard enough to find someone compatible on one of those fronts, let alone both. This might be the thing that has kept me really hoping I could get things to work between us.

I don’t regret any of my decisions, and I think I am on the right path. But I must admit it bothers me to have these two men, so significant in my life, seemingly moving ahead effortlessly and happily.

45 thoughts on “Just another maudlin Monday

  1. Almost-seven IS really awesome. πŸ˜€

    Hard as it is, try not to compare your post-divorce/break up progress to that of Will & Faraway Lover. You are on your own path and are still in that self-discovery part of learning your own wants and needs and expectations.

    And I do think Tony is a dope for not realizing what he’s got in you. Like I said last week – you deserve better.

    • TOTAL dope. *giggle*

      I do hope that I will be better in the long run for not rushing into anything and taking my time to figure out what’s right for me. At least, that’s what I tell myself…

      • Yes, that’s what I tell myself too. Yes, my ex is probably i na relationship for the long run, unless she discovers just how shitty he is as a person (I’m saying this because, considering the @#$% he’s putting me through, I don’t think he’s changed much) and leaves him.
        Am I jealous about the fact that I’m far from being in a relationship? Yes, somewhat. But I also realize that all the work I’m doing on myself, exploring and discovering who *me* really is… that will only help in the long run. And my next real long term relationship will be all the better for it. And maybe I’ll be happy.
        Where as, most certainly, my ex will think he is happy, but will happily keep controlling his kids and new partner and won’t grow.
        So yes, my take on all of this is that we’re better off taking our time and looking for someone who is really a good match for us, not just the first guy who is interested in us, and we negate our needs. Because we’ve done that already, and we didn’t like it. Enough so that we quit!
        Hugs Ann. XO
        (and sorry Anisa for hogging your comment πŸ˜‰ ).

  2. I’d already be looking for another companion for Thursday. It’ll take that question mark out of your immediate future, at least. I’m sorry for this struggle you’ve been going through. I have nothing to offer other than in retrospect, there were a handful of misgivings you had about him over the time you’ve been “together,” (not the least of which was the performance issue). I really believe that when you’re first getting to know someone, you may be faced with less-than-perfect characteristics that give you pause – the real question is whether you can overlook them because those “flaws” don’t really bother you. The ones you fixate on – whether by hoping they’ll change or making excuses for why they’re there – those are the red flags.

    P.S. Maybe Jason can go (I hope I have the correct name?) – and you can kill 2 birds with one stone. πŸ˜‰

    • Thanks so much, Tara. I’ve known from our first date that the place he’s in may prove to be an issue…and I now have my answer.

      I like your idea of asking Jason πŸ™‚

  3. Ann,

    I feel what you are going through, my dear. Your depression and sadness have been spilling off of successive blog posts and I am empathizing with you. I do like to see how you are continuing to be self-analytical and taking the time to see your transition and growth. Please don’t fall into the comparison with others’ “progress” and how they are handling their situations. They may never express to you the feelings that they are enduring and, if they did, you might discover that the outward appearances are well-constructed facades, covering the same hurts and lingering pain that you have and are experiencing.

    Since I have been following your blog, I have seen enormous growth in you – discovering what your wants and needs are and recognizing that though several of them resided within your relationship with Tony, there are some glaring unmet needs that are too insurmountable for him to overcome. He is a good man, but, for whatever reason, he cannot change enough to meet all of your needs.

    Before you take a negative tack about being “needy,” it is perfectly normal to allow yourself the time to discover the person who will meet them. You will get through this, Ann.

    If you need to or want to talk, you know how to find me.


  4. I miss almost sevens. Almost 16 just isn’t the same!

    You found so much of what you wanted in Tony…and, equally, lots of what you didn’t. It’s always hard to decide between something and nothing but you are making the right choice…for yourself.

  5. I have multiple “almosts” and there are benefits, lamentations and struggles with each of them. Savannah and I are discovering our almosts have taken us to a point where they have enough independence and autonomy that we can leave them for hours without worrying about returning to a smoldering heap of ashes where our house once stood. πŸ˜‰

  6. You sound like me. I too have a hard time emotionally letting go and think of the what could have beens makes it hard. This too shall pass. You know the old saying about better to have loved and lost. I’d rather have my heart hurt than to feel nothing at all.

  7. Liam! Almost 7 is most delightful! πŸ™‚
    “seemingly moving ahead effortlessly and happily.”
    Key word there…. ‘seemingly’. It is still so surprising to me to “see” the reality when the appearance of the situation I have in my head has been the “truth” for so long. I think it is rare that the reality matches our perception of many situations…

    You got this, You got this and you got so much going for you! (see? there’s my perception)

  8. I think you could also have moved on if this Tony dude would make up his mind and grow some balls. Also possibly develop some sense of communication instead of him waiting for things to happen, which seems like it in this case. Sorry lady Ann, that I do not seem to like this dude too much for the way he treats you, or communicates or lack thereof.

  9. For a long time I’d tell guys to gone on a couple dates with me because they’d be guaranteed to find the love of their lives AFTER they stopped seeing me.

    Are happy birthdays in order for your baby? Here’s to almost being seven. πŸ™‚

    • Hmm. Does that mean I’m about to find the love of my life, or Tony his? Or my ex found his after me? Or all of the above, I suppose πŸ™‚

      It’s a fascinating journey, this life, isn’t it?

      And thank you…yes his birthday is coming up…I told him he can tell people he’s “almost seven”…instead of “six and three quarters” which he’d been using lately πŸ™‚

      • Me finding the love of my life hasn’t happened. But tons of guys who’ve expressed and interest or dated me in some fashion have certainly found theirs. I’m married to my travels

  10. I guess , you wont settle for anything below par , so lets wait for the correct time , and its good to feel all these emotions , atleast you are behaving normal.

  11. I would check that “effortlessly and happily” bit. You know that’s not how it works. It’s like when I see people with a lot of money and think everything must be really great for them. Appearances are not always what they seem.

    • Well, Will met 5 women online and his current girlfriend is one of them. So at least that part feels effortless, in compared to my journey πŸ™‚

      I do think he’s met a wonderful woman.

      But I completely agree with you that you can’t tell if people are happy.

    • I dunno, Marie…Will wasn’t that kind of guy. He’s the “not taking any more friend application” type. So all the stuff I’ve been rediscovering since our split, he doesn’t seem to have interest in. But he may change with a new partner.

      Now, Faraway Lover is another story entirely. He’s a total social party butterfly…but he so missed being married…perhaps I should call him and see how he’s surviving πŸ™‚

  12. This is a beutidul story. I hope ahe just reaches out to Tony. Maybe tony doeant know as much as she thinks he doe as. Maybe hes just confused and doesnt know how to proceed. Regardless im sure it will turn out all sunsets and white oicket fences one might say….hmm

What do you think?