It’s the little things sometimes

I am working at finding pleasure in small things each day. With no man to keep me occupied, I have space to notice lots of other good things in my life.

My son and I had dinner with one of his school friends and his Mom, and she and I had a great, meaningful conversation. I realized that my dating and being confident and having an amicable relationship with Will are things to be very proud of.

I offered to help her start dating online. She’s 50 and beautiful and smart, with a dancers body. She did not believe me that young men will hit on her. I look forward to proving her wrong.

The warm sun on my face makes me happy.

Cleaning out – finally – my home office, which had become the dumping ground of all sorts of shit. It took hours but there is a real tangible difference. I got rid of a bunch of stuff.

I made some picture hangers to show off my sons art and be able to rotate as he does new stuff. He was delighted to see me showing some of his pieces.

As part of the clean out I found a photo book I made in 2011 for my son, of all the things we’d done throughout the year. I was stunned how many of those things didn’t include Will – his choice. Events, trips, you name it. It made me sad but just reinforced the decision I made.

I’m taking my son and nanny to a sporting event on Thursday. He will be up too late but it will be awesome. And my nanny is thrilled.

I calculated my net worth. I’m very very close to a significant milestone which I would have never imagined possible when I was growing up. I could liquidate everything and move to some tiny island in Greece for the rest of my life. Not gonna happen – I need more security from the tumult of the financial markets. But still. It made me realize I will be fine – in a way I didn’t think of before. Alone. As a woman.

Everyone who I’ve expressed concern about my job to has – unprompted – said I was highly highly employable. I’m starting to feel like I have options. Which is great.

I’ve been to the gym three or four times since I started last week and today sweated like a demon on the treadmill. It felt great.

I want wine badly. But have stuck to my plan. Nothing until Friday.

In a few weeks I’m going to a “big gay dance party”. I can’t wait.

Still no word from Tony. I’m now just curious when he will break the silence. Right before he comes back? After he arrives? Hmmfp.

Just a few things that are helping remind me things are okay and I will be fine. More than fine, I guess. And they are helping me offset Β the one bad thing.

0 thoughts on “It’s the little things sometimes

  1. Alcohol is my biggest weakness…I like to have a couple of glasses of wine or beers at night which I’ve been doing more often lately and I know it’s why I’ve gained a few pounds…It SO hard to be good when no one else is watching…hehe…SO YAY for you for waiting till Friday….I should start doing that…

  2. I see so much of myself in this post. I am really sorry about Tony’s dissapointing behavior. I know u don’t need him, you just wanted him and care for him deeply. You are too awesome for someone who doesn’t recognize your value. You have accomplished so much, but there is more to come

  3. Ann, is it ok for me to tell you that I am happy for you in these little things (which really add up to big things)? Letting go of those parts that either hurt or simply need to be in the past is good and cleaning up the office is a life – metaphor for what you are doing.

    Why don’t you save your kid’s friend’s mother some frustration and introduce us. πŸ˜‰ (ok…bad joke…on all fronts).

  4. I love this post (and you darling) for so many reasons. Your light is shining through here. Please keep doing the things that make you this happy and the rest will fall in place. I’m so glad you found things this week to lighten the load a bit. ☺️

  5. The mom you’re coaching? Reminds me of another woman with whom I spent hours chatting on FB yesterday, showing her that life after marriage exists, can be great, that, yes, sex is an important part of life and she definitely shouldn’t accept what she is getting at the moment. And, like you and me, it’s not just in the bedroom she is frustrated… It felt good to empower a fellow woman!
    I’m happy for you that you can see so many positives in your life. I wish I could say the thing about my net worth, however I’m far from it.
    And I didn’t go to the gym. But I sweated quite a good deal tonight, does it count? πŸ™‚
    Whatever happens with men in your life, you’ll be fine, more than fine. I’m glad you could see it too. Yet I know how you sometimes wish still that there were someone in your life who cared… The right man will come for you Ann, whether it’s a new and improved version of Tony after he figures out that he missed you awfully, or whether it is someone else πŸ™‚

    • I’d rather have your kind of workout, I must say. But I simply must get back into the skirts that don’t fit anymore, so sex alone won’t cut it. Not that I’m having sex right now, but you know what I mean πŸ™‚

      It’s funny, I almost deleted the paragraph I wrote on my (financial) net worth. We so often don’t talk about money and I’m inherently uncomfortable with anything that might make others feel bad. But it was actually something I was incredibly proud of – especially the thought that I may just well financially be fine in the long run.

      Divorce is such a terrible thing for one’s finances, usually. So to be in a good place now is really important to me. I made the decision when I split to try each year to be less in debt, rather than more. I succeeded at that, of which I’m very proud.

      All that to say, I kept it in. Even though I know it’s not necessarily a common experience.

      As the day approaches that Tony returns, I am quite curious how he will be when he reaches out. But I have a jam packed next few days, so I shouldn’t have tooooo much time to waste on the “what ifs”.

      • I know that you’d rather have my kind of workout. Though I hadn’t had it in 3 weeks, so… πŸ™‚
        I agree about the financial self-worth. I would be very proud… no, let me rephrase this: I WILL be very proud when I am finally financially independent. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t have the opportunity to keep a well-paying job or have a career because of all our frequent moving. I must admit though that I enjoyed being home for my kids too. I just wish I could have worked at least part time, to stay up to date on what was going on in my branch.
        So yes, divorce is a bad thing for people’s finances, and it’s usually worse for women, because it’s often their job that gets cut when the decision is made as to who should stay home with the kids. Unfortunately.
        So I say, you are very right to be proud of what you have, of what you managed by yourself. Enjoy!
        As for me, there is such a thing as earning little enough that you have to dig into your savings every month. It just gets especially infuriating when your ex can afford to give you enough to live comfortably, even if not in luxury, but chooses not to to exert some more power, or control. I’m not sure. Oh, well, one day, things will be fine!
        I completely understand how you feel about Tony’s return. I know how I felt about the Dancer’s return, and he was emailing me almost everyday. I cannot begin to imagine how I would have felt if he hadn’t reached out for so long :-/
        Good for you to keep yourself busy.
        Pff… why do I have a weird feeling about this comment? I feel like I’m killing your buzz, not being supportive enough, you name it!
        You know I am right behind you, cheering you on though? Right? πŸ™‚

  6. I don’t dare calculate my self-worth, at least not in a financial way. It would not help my self-worth, in an emotional way.

    p.s. wiiiinnnnneeeee…

      • I’m going to have some later tonight. Have you ever hooked up with an ex post horrid breakup? Best sex ever. Going in for seconds. I’m bringing a bottle of white that’s currently chilling in the fridge. If I’m going to make a mistake I may as well be drunk(ish).

        • Hope it was great, Marie! I won’t go back to an ex if Tony and i break up, but Jason is still on my speed dial and he’s been not-so-patiently waiting to have sex with me again!

  7. I was smiling enjoying you the smiles with you. And just one against the so many little things that matter. A son matters. Good friendship matters. Spend time ON you and taking time to find YOU matters.
    One thing out of the many. don’t let it ruin everything that is so beautiful.

    Keep smiling beautiful it is your best feature and the world will know it *wink*

  8. I wish I could crawl inside your head and scramble your brain chemistry so that you had more moments like this. Having a man in your life and getting laid on a regular basis seems like a near-obsession for you. (At least, that’s what I gather from your blogging. Admittedly, nobody know what you’re like in real life.) Pure joy and happiness can be had without all that external stimuli. It’s nice having a man and all, but looking outward for someone to give your life meaning and joy is the oldest mistake in the book. I recommend you read this post to yourself over and over and over. That’s what I think, since you asked.

    • Near obsession? Hmm. In my head, back in Nov when I went back online, I was okay to be patient with the man in my life thing – but yeah, my libido is something else and I do pursue physical satisfaction, quite deliberately. Although I haven’t had sex for almost three weeks and haven’t imploded πŸ™‚

      *you* know what I’m like in real life!

      And to be honest it’s not that I think I need a man in my life to be happy and give me meaning – it’s been a journey for me to actualize this belief, however. I do think though, that in dating and having dating issues, I haven’t had the space in my brain to REALLY appreciate everything else that’s good. It’s been more of a focus these last couple of weeks. And that feels very good indeed.

  9. It is so nice to read this one Ann! It makes me happy that you realize what you do have. Not that I didn’t think you did, but that you dedicated a post to it. Its along the line of what I meant when I mentioned your “thinking” should be addressed. This was a way more positive vibe, I’m pulling for you to ‘stay the course’.

    • Thanks so much, Julie. This is kinda how I think about it – it’s not that I didn’t know other things were good, I just wasn’t giving those things enough focus. It’s helping me get through the lack of job and boyfriend stress.

  10. Ann, It sounds like you are doing very well in light of what you are dealing with. I hope that Tony gets his shit together and realizes what he needs to do for himself and especially for you. You so stuck in this but you are doing far better than I would be.

    I am sorry that I have been so absent in the past several months.

    • Hello my darling and welcome back. I’ve missed you. Please don’t apologize…you’ve gone through quite a bit these last few months. I hope Will has been passing on my thoughts to you πŸ™‚

      I’m not sure what Tony will be like when he comes back. Depending on the moment I would bet he’ll be like he hasn’t been largely silent for 3 weeks, OR he’ll come back and say he needs to break it off, OR something in the middle.

      Thanks for reaching out my dear <3

  11. I enjoyed this post a lot. Your mentality is clearly in the right place. It’s funny, when you mentioned calculating your net worth, my mind immediately went to non-financial worth. Interesting. I too am back on the treadmill and trying not to drink as much. Best luck for both of us!

    • Hmm. Perhaps we need a support group. I’m a big believer of telling people I’m eating right and exercising, because then the peer pressure thing kicks in and I become less willing to shove a bunch of cookies in my face in front of anyone. It’s honestly why I wrote about it on my blog.

      confession…I had a cookie today. I was stuck in a two hour meeting and was hungry and while I grabbed the fruit off the tray, the best next choice was an oatmeal cookie. The horror!!

      And to be honest, financial worth has no correlation whatsoever to worth as a person…but how often do we forget that?


  12. I am not sure if you mentioned who Tony is away with but I am just wondering since there has been zero contact could his ex be with him? You deserve somebody who is willing to commit 100%. Have fun until you meet that somebody πŸ™‚

    • Thanks for commenting! No, Tony is not with his ex. He’s visiting a relative that lives across the country. Doing a lot of sports related stuff while he’s there.

      But yes, I agree πŸ™‚

  13. Glad to see you’re still moving along, Ann… full speed ahead. It takes a lot to keep you down, right? Unless you want to be down, that is.
    But enough said; my glasses are fogging up!
    Be well, my friend.

  14. So many things that are making you smile, this is good.

    Tony, well, you can deal with him when he gets back. At least you realize that you may want him, but you don’t “need” him. And that’s a huge thing.

    Re the huge gay dance party? You’ll have a ball. An absolute baaaaaaaaaall. One big gay dance party I went to I got lessons on how to give my boyfriend head while we sat in the chairs overlooking the dancefloor for a rest… well, I was resting my feet!! And these guys just plonked next to us and started chatting, I waved my hand and didn’t stop or miss a beat. My bf at the time was mortified, I thought it was cute. They offered me tips on what men like, I tried them out on my bf who decided they couldn’t be that bad if they were helping get him an awesome BJ …

    You’ll have so much fun!! ENJOY πŸ˜€

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