I’m not even sure how to title this post | Where my head’s at.

There’s good and bad in my life right now. And as I’m busy getting my shit in order, I’m not writing. The thoughts are just roaming around in my head, aimlessly.

A brief update for those who care:

The Party & The Comedian

  • The party on Friday night was great fun. I hadn’t heard from the Comedian and figured he wouldn’t show up. But he did. Out of the blue. It was a nice time with him, and weird to be with someone who other guests (and their children) immediately recognized.
  • The Comedian decided to leave a little early. After he gave me a hug and the kind of kiss that meets delightfully partially on ones lips, my drunken friend the host pushed me out the door after him, insisting – out loud – that he must simply make out with me on her porch. He muttered something to me about his life being up in the air, and walked away.
  • In some ways I’m glad he didn’t try to kiss me, because I had planned to tell him about Tony. But on the other hand, I was irritated that there was obviously something going on with him and he didn’t tell me about it. Nor has he contacted me since.

My Body & My JobΒ 

  • According to my company, the reason they gave me six months to find a new job (instead of just letting me go right away) was they want me to find a role with them. My HR contact’s advice was wait three months and then start looking externally. So I’m a bit more relaxed about the job, at least for the moment.
  • It’s amazing what stress does to the body and the metabolism. In a few short weeks, some of my clothes don’t fit. This is completely unacceptable.
  • I successfully managed to limit my sugar, carbs, and alcohol content since last Wednesday, and also gotΒ my ass in the gym (twice!!).
  • I’ve made good use of my current no-meeting schedule. It will not last for long. I’ve dealt with stuff around the house, and hung out with Liam. Finished the taxes in the two countries I need to submit taxes for. Got sporting and arts tickets. Got my teeth cleaned. Started to fill in my April and May calendar with bookings with friends.

The Painter

  • On the weekend I went to visit a famous painter who lives in my city. I’ve been to one of his parties before and I was visiting him with a friend, who works for him.
  • The painter is over seventy and gay and recently single. His friends are arts patrons, famous writers, and the elite. We talked about his art, dating, and he told me he had a man who would be “just perfect for me”. I was tickled. He was serious.

Tony

  • Not a word. Not one f*cking word since he left, 6 days ago.
  • It’s like he’s not even in my life at all.
  • Since I’ve been filling my time (see above) I’ve also realized it’s okay to not have him in my life. I hate to write that, but it’s true. I won’t go so far to say heΒ consumes my thoughts, but he’s regularly present. I’ve thought about him and how he’s been and how I feel.
  • Bottom line is I feel he isn’t in a place where he’s willing to make an effort for me. He’s in a selfish place. I understand it, but I don’t want to be on the receiving end of it. At least right now, in this moment, I think I need to tell him I’m letting him go. If he decides he wants me, he’ll come back. Or fight for me.

At least that’s how I feel today.

0 thoughts on “I’m not even sure how to title this post | Where my head’s at.

  1. I must admit to being surprised about Tony when he did the cutesy ‘I might surprise you’. Well, NO YOU DIDN’T ARSEHOLE! (I ridiculously made myself laugh with that).

    We really do need that bottle of wine *hugs*.

    Ferns

    • Yeah, I was irritated with that comment as well. He has a bad habit of overpromising and under-delivering. He means well but I would have rather him just say “yeah I will be totally disconnected while I’m gone”.

      And btw I listened to that interview you did – the whole thing – so now i hear your comments in your voice. It’s awesome!

      And yeah, we definitely do. How to make that happen?

  2. Dealing with my own”Tony”. I thought I was a complicated mess… Pfftt… As of last night, advised him the ball is in his court. Guess time will tell if he’s incapable of committing at the moment (or at all) or maybe he’s just not that into me… which he claims is not the case??? Regardless, he has issues. And I’ve been obsessing over him way too much, for way too long. I’ve got as much, if not more going on than he does. My mind is such a cluster fk, I can’t focus long enough to publish a post. It’s obvious by this 3 page long rant (comment) on your post, I need to get back to blogging on my own site… maybe tomorrow… Lol

    • Ah, I can sadly relate to this and I’m so sorry you are going through it. My mind’s been in the same place and it’s been difficult to write. But sometimes it does help, admittedly.

      I don’t inherently like the idea of giving him control over everything…because as he’s said, when he has control, he doesn’t nothing (that’s my paraphrase, lol). But I do think I need to tell him that I’m not getting what I need. I need some effort on his part. The good thing for me is that his complete silence has made me realize I will be okay if it ends between us.

  3. You’re in a multi-transitional-not-too-sure-where-things-are-going-but-I-think-I’m-ok-with-it-all phase. Don’t know what hyphens added to my sentence there, but I went with them anyway! Hope you get some resolution to a few things soon!

    • Hey, they worked!! And yes, lots of transition. The stuff with Liam and his Dad coming back is good for Liam, but a change for both of us. I will embrace having more time to myself but would like someone to spend it with.

      Thank you πŸ™‚

  4. I’m sorry about Tony. As you say, he probably isn’t in a place right now where he can give you the attention you deserve. If/when he is ready and you are still single, then you just may find your way back together. He needs to find answers to his questions, and you deserve more than what he is offering right now.
    And who knows, maybe the painter’s friend is indeed just the guy for you? πŸ˜‰
    As for the rest (the job, the Comedian)… well… you know I get what you feel about the job, I hope you get a clearer idea of where you’re going soon.
    And the Comedian… well, it’s his prerogative to share with you or not. Maybe one day he will πŸ™‚
    (Men have a way of thinking sometimes that they should only share with you if hey are hoping you can help them fix it… women of course have usually a very different approach…)
    XO

    • If I was to bet on things, I don’t think Tony will get his shit sorted out, at least not in the next year. He’s happy with his total batchelor life. He hasn’t even resolved his kids schedule so I doubt he’s in a place to really be “emotionally available” to me. It’s an effort for him to keep his apartment clean. The dude needs to get his shit in order.

      If and when he does, I think we’d be great partners for each other. But I’m not sure he’ll get there, and I can’t keep expecting him to change. I will give him a chance, though…I think it’s fair for him to know what I need and expect if he’s going to stay in my life.

      And yes, I know the Comedian doesn’t have to tell me anything. It’s his modus operandi to do this, I just think it’s BS because we could easily just be friends and instead I think he thinks that the only way for me to be in his life is as a romantic partner. Which isn’t true at all.

  5. Ann, I’m sorry that you are in this place yet you didn’t bring yourself to this point. Your head is where it must be with the situation at hand with Tony.

    I feel for you, my dear. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

    • Thank you. I’m disappointed as well. I’m fascinated to know whether he thinks this is just fine and how he thinks I would respond to zero contact (when he can easily contact me…he’s not left the country).

  6. I’ve been wondering how you’re doing, it’s good to have an update. Not a word for 6 days is completely unacceptable. I highly doubt he is on vacation without a phone or access to email or carrier pigeon or something. He needs to make an effort. This message has taken me about 30 seconds to whip up…Tony has 30 seconds in his day. On the bright side, the painter sounds interesting…I just love interesting people, they are good sorts to keep around. πŸ™‚

    • Thank you Hollie πŸ™‚

      He’s with a smartphone and hasn’t left the country. He could easily text me, no problem. I know he said he was tempted to just shut his phone off but given everything I’m going through, I just can’t help but think the considerate thing would be at least one brief check-in by now. But that’s just me.

      And yes, the painter day was the highlight of my weekend. He’s such a lovely man and his house is spectacular modern architecture. It was so much fun. The party I went to of his a few years ago I will never forget – Will didn’t want to go with me so I took the guy who broke the seal on my hall pass.

  7. It can never be wrong taking some time to organize the mind and thoughts before continuing. Stress is the worse for a body. You never know how it manifests itself.

    Enjoy your days as you are and as they come. Smile at the things that make you happy and hold them close to you.
    Big hugs from the silly bird. And cheers. here is to you, you lovely lady we got your back.

    • Thank you so much. Hugs needed, and accepted.

      And yes, for all the stress, I feel pretty good with things. I’m happy to have gotten back into the gym. I know it’s the right thing for my brain and body. I’m focussing on the right things. And it’s awesome to have people supporting me. xo

  8. I understand your feelings, but I wouldn’t count Tony out just yet. There is still time for him to ‘surprise’ you, and you may very well be consuming his head too. Maybe he is punishing himself, you are being hurt in that wake. People are funny like that. I don’t really like mushrooms, but every so often I eat them. On purpose. Blech.

    • There’s a part of me that hasn’t counted him out, but I know people don’t tend to change. I need to tell him that I need more. I get it if he can’t do it – I don’t take it as a sign of how much he likes me. I’ve been in a similar situation after my split, where the priority was clearly my own needs and I wasn’t willing to really do a whole lot for anyone else.

      But while I understand it, I don’t want to be on the receiving end of it.

      He might be thinking of me. It’s just not translating into any action that would be meaningful to me.

  9. Ann, I think your head is in the right place. You are moving along with your life and not waiting. You are tackling all the life changing events (job, ex moving back, etc.) head on. I am so impressed. On top of that, you are smart enough to realize your body needs attention so you can keep on top of the stress. Well done!! I think you are doing all the right things. As for Tony – it is what it is. As Ricky Ricardo would say, “He’s got some ‘splaining to do” when he returns. I wouldn’t worry about formally dumping him, I would suggest that perhaps you propose a non-exclusive relationship. If he doesn’t get that hint to step it up, then you know where you stand. Good luck – you are doing great.

    • Thanks Maggie. I do feel pretty good right now, all things considered. I really appreciate the support.

      And with Tony, I’m not planning on just breaking up with him outright. I will tell him what I need and want and give him an opportunity to respond with words and actions. I’m sure he’s doing his own thinking on his trip and perhaps he will come back and say its over. Or be fully committed. I have no idea.

      But I don’t think I can go back to a non-exclusive relationship with him. Because if I’m available to see him and suddenly he can’t see me and I know he’s with another woman, that will bother me. If he’d just date (nothing physical) and realize how shallow the pool is, then I’d be fine. But knowing he hates condoms and I don’t like to share that way, I think it would be bad for me.

  10. By the way, I meant to add that I love the advice from the other readers. I don’t think I have liked that many comments on a single post. I hope you are feeling the love.

  11. I like that advice – suggesting a non-exclusive relationship, possibly. I’m disappointed that he hasn’t reached out at all and, while you said you understand it, I think it’s wrong. He has been spending time with you all these months, sleeping with you and engaging in a relationship with you, and he goes away and doesn’t even send a “thinking of you” text in 6 days? I know I’d be pissed. (Probably because I’ve been on the receiving end of this behavior myself.) In any case, You are the best judge of what’s best for you, and it sounds as though you are doing just that. Try to calm the internal waves and keep moving forward as you are. I saw this post on Facebook yesterday: “When God shuts a door, quit banging on it! Whatever was behind it wasn’t meant for you. Consider the fact that maybe He closed that door because he knew you were worth so much more.” Not to say that Tony is a door closing – I just had to share because I’ve been struggling lately with work and purpose and this was like a wake up call to pay attention.

    • I responded to Maggie about why a non-exclusive won’t work for me. But I did ponder it.

      To be clear, I understand how someone can be in a selfish place post-split, where ultimately you focus on yourself and make room for others only as its convenient to you. I’ve been in that place.

      I completely DON’T understand how someone who I’ve been dating for almost 4 months and actually does care about me, can’t be bothered to figure out how to send an SMS vs. iMessage the week after his Girlfriend was let go from her job. And then to be on vacation for 6 days and send not one communication just checking in to see how she’s doing.

      I can’t imagine being in that place with any friend, let alone someone I’m in a relationship with.

      • I see your point. I could never have been in a non-exclusive relationship because I’m committed once intimacy happens. But, I do realize that there are people who can do that in a healthy way.I do hope he is contemplating the relationships and where he wants to go from here. And I hope he recognizes (and is ready for) you as someone he wants to go forward and grow with. πŸ™‚

        • Me as well. I see the potential, but it’s only there if he gets his shit sorted. And I know the danger of expecting that someone will change. Right now I don’t know if what I’m experiencing is a result of the stage he’s in, or just what he’s like.

  12. It’s all about priorities, “crisis” management, problem resolution and stuff like that because the #1 priority is to make sure your shit is together so you can keep things working. Now, Tony… yeah, I get it but cold logic says that he’s not high on the list of things to take care of – he can’t be even though, emotionally, you need him to be by your side as you go through all this crap.

    If it was me, I’d be concerned about this absence… but keeping the wolves from my door trumps a missing “partner” every time and, reluctantly, if they still want me, they’ll know where to find me and if they don’t, okay – that might leave a mark or two but there will be others who may be more committed and dedicated to being with me. And, really, if their situation is so messed up that they don’t have time to communicate with me, then they’d be better off getting their shit together – and if they aren’t, well, they’ve shuffled me downward on their list of priorities, haven’t they?

    It’s a messed up way to look at this situation but until you get your “house” back in order, it is what it has to be.

    • I don’t think it’s messed up at all, actually. You’re right that things like job and kid trump any dudes in my life. Even my health.

      And yes, I know what you mean that if he’s not able to be there for me when I need him, because he’s so focused on his own shit…well then he needs to deal with that before he can be any kind of great partner to me.

      I recognize he may come back from this trip, having had some space and time, and want to end things. I know I need to tell him what I want and need. And take it from there…

      • No, not your health; if you’re unhealthy you can’t do shit for yourself or anyone else so, yeah, your health is important and don’t you ever forget that (don’t make me get my belt, Ann)!

  13. I love reading how you’re using the time to enjoy life a bit. You’re friend is a famous painter. you’re do cultured : )And congrats on the limiting of your food.

  14. And I’m sorry to read about Tony’s MIA-ness. My first instinct was that he’s on vacation so let it be (last year I think I was in communication too much with a lady while we were on separate, consecutive vacations and it was detrimental.)

    However, apples and oranges. He’s your man for quite a while. Also, the desire on your end to be in touch even a while was already established. He doesn’t come off as that dense.

    Hoping the best for you. Being on the mind of a woman like you is a special thing.

  15. How come no one over here says FUCK? Why all the *? Anyway, I’m sorry about everything that’s rough for you right now. If it makes you smile, you should know that Faisal is GOING TO TOWN ON HIS BUTT RIGHT NOW. I’m grossed out and about to swat him to stopitstopitstopit! Ok, cat, that’s it! Phew, ok. Gah, so gross!!

    What was I saying? Oh, yes, so I’m sorry about your rough patch, but you know how I feel about Tony. He’s just a placeholder, Ann. A man who was really into you wouldn’t leave one shred of doubt in his wake. Think about Johnny. There was never any doubt about he felt about you, was there?

    • I say it, I guess I had too many people give me grief (jokingly) for being blocked as porn on their work computers. Figured I should tone down my language lol.

      Yeah, that was a gross thing about cats. Then they lick you. Ugh. I miss my cats. But I like the freedom more, I suppose.

      I’ve thought about Johnny quite a bit these days as I compare communication styles. You are exactly right – there was never a question. He did an amazing job of staying connected, all the time.

      • Oh, you are right, my commentary is not clear and it’s more like a divagation.
        Sometimes a person in the work when knows that I have not a girlfriend says: “I have a perfect woman for you”, sadly those women aren’t compatible with me, even more neither I’m not interested in their type of girl (young mothers that want a guy with a profession to take care of them but at the same time to be a macho to abuse them like the previous guy) nor they are interested in the type of guy that I am (I don’t care about celebrations, parties, social meetings, I prefer to cut bonds before to confront or discuss and a long etcetera of defects that hurt a happy life in a relationship)
        In the end I think when people says me that they know a perfect match for me it’s simply like the “musical chairs” game, the only common characteristic is that we lost the game and we haven’t a partner. We just happen to be single in those moments and nothing more.
        I don’t think that’s your case, you are for sure, for what I see and read, an intelligent lady quite sexy and interesting, the artist perhaps was thinking in somebody truly interesting for you.
        Sorry for the misunderstanding, my bad. Kind regards.

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